DiDi123 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Hi All, I just found this email I wrote (to myself- but meant for him) over the course of one day at different times throughout the day on July 28th- 18 days after we met. Dear XXX, This isn't fair for either of us. We both deserve more and I truly believe we could be happy, comfortable and fantastic together. But you have to make the leap. Trust yourself and your instincts. You have good instincts- and you are smart. You have used those skills your entire life and done some wonderful things. What we have is a false sense of security. If you respect and care for me then do the right thing by me. I am suffering emotionally and my heart breaks every night I go to sleep without you and know that you are sleeping under the same roof as her. I don't want parts of you- bits and pieces- I want and deserve the entire package. You expect me to give 100% - why can't you do the same in return? I have too much self-respect to allow myself to become trapped in a relationshop that may end up going nowhere. Make a move or back-off. You are breaking my heart. I cannot fully express myself or feel good about myself while this situation is so out of control emotionally for me. Please help me. I know its complicated but you are smart and wonderful and deserve more. So, I want to share some things with you. I really like and care about you. I love that we share so many common interest. I loe whenever I think about you I get butterflies in my stomach. I love when I think of you I smile to myself. I love when you hold me and kiss me how gently you are with me. I lvoe how you are always so attentive to my needs- always asking if I need anything, and how you are always thinking about the smallest things that truly matter to me. I do want desparately to share more of myself with you but I am holding back. I am definately scared. I'm worried, I'm anxious. Will you really leave your marriage and wife after 33 years? I can't have you meet my family under false pretenses. i would be cheating myself and not being respectful to myself or my family. I deserve to be with someone that can truly share themselves with me. I love spending time with you- no matter what it is- and I love how you make me feel. But until you tuly decide what you want and who you want in your life I am not sure what else I can do at this point. You can't date me while you are married to your wife. You need to take a step- even if its a small if you want me. I need you to do that. I care about you and will support you as best I can. This was written (of course) before we had sex the first time, lol. But its interesting how when we were only "dating" that this was how I was feeling and now look where I am..... So I knew then this was the wrong way to go about being with him and what it would lead to in terms of how I would feel and I made the choice to be with him. I guess the big question for me is how do I deal with this now?
White Flower Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 But its interesting how when we were only "dating" that this was how I was feeling and now look where I am..... So I knew then this was the wrong way to go about being with him and what it would lead to in terms of how I would feel and I made the choice to be with him. I guess the big question for me is how do I deal with this now? I don't know your whole story so I'll go back and read your posts. I remember going through the same feelings in the beginning of my A. I still do, actually and have called off the A quite a few times. I know what I want, but am not at a place to make any demands right now and most of the time I feel comfortable being in an A. If you cannot be comfortable being in an A long-term I suggest standing your ground and ending it otherwise you'll find yourself quite comfortable with things as they are. Once you develop a pattern, it is hard to undevelop it.
NowhereToHide Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I remember distinctly a point very early on in my A... I now look back on it as a true moment of clarity. My xAP was expressing some pretty heavy devotion, and I responded by email telling him that, while I felt the same, I would never leave my family for him. This was probably only 2-3 weeks in, and a few weeks before we had sex. I look back on that moment now with such regret... I want to go back to that woman in that moment and shake her. Because it was THAT moment when I knew what it was that I was risking. I was looking down the path of the two roads ahead of me -- the affair and my marriage -- and I had to make a choice. I stupidly chose the affair. And while I never changed my story that I would never leave, I still risked everything that was important to me for someone who turned out to not be so great in the end. I think we all have those times that we will look back on and think, "THAT was when I could have changed course".
Author DiDi123 Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Yes- that's what I can't believe. I knew and was so strong in my thought process 18 days after I met him- yet, I look back and am trying to figure out how my view changed and prompted me to think that this was ok somehow. Did I just start believing everything he said more? I just am not sure how I got from that point to where I am now. How could I have let myself get into this situation? I know better. Yet still I made the choice......
White Flower Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I remember distinctly a point very early on in my A... I now look back on it as a true moment of clarity. My xAP was expressing some pretty heavy devotion, and I responded by email telling him that, while I felt the same, I would never leave my family for him. This was probably only 2-3 weeks in, and a few weeks before we had sex. I look back on that moment now with such regret... I want to go back to that woman in that moment and shake her. Because it was THAT moment when I knew what it was that I was risking. I was looking down the path of the two roads ahead of me -- the affair and my marriage -- and I had to make a choice. I stupidly chose the affair. And while I never changed my story that I would never leave, I still risked everything that was important to me for someone who turned out to not be so great in the end. I think we all have those times that we will look back on and think, "THAT was when I could have changed course".Are you regretful for ending your M? While I did end mine, I don't regret it. For me, ending the M was not a bridge to be with MM. I knew the M had to come to an end anyway; it just took knowing that I could have something better, even if not long term, to push me into deciding. I wake up everyday and smile that I'm not in that prison anymore even though the single life and raising kids on my own is hard. I'll never regret the D.
fooled once Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Are you regretful for ending your M? While I did end mine, I don't regret it. For me, ending the M was not a bridge to be with MM. I knew the M had to come to an end anyway; it just took knowing that I could have something better, even if not long term, to push me into deciding. I wake up everyday and smile that I'm not in that prison anymore even though the single life and raising kids on my own is hard. I'll never regret the D. WF, Nowheretohide didn't leave her marriage. She had an affair, it ended and she is working on her marriage. Her H doesn't know of the affair.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 we had some of those moments. early on, where it could/should have ended. but looking back, even knowing how it ended parts of me are glad it didnt. i would have missed out on years of an amazing relationship. yes it was wrong, yes he never loved me, yes i destroyed my marriage. but the good times were better than anything ive ever had before or will have again. i should have gotten out while i could, but i didnt. but then again i never would have known what i was missing out on.
MizzBlue72 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 That is a letter that I think all the OW have at least thought about at one time or another in their A's. I know that I have written something like that at LEAST 4 times to MM. I just never had the guts to stay NC, even when it was killing me....
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