Schat Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I have been reading online about "how to get your ex back" and just about everything says to use the NC strategy and it has a good chance of working. After reading on this site for the past week or so, it doesn't seem like it is successful. I am planning on NC for about a month total (since the breakup) and then call him up. This is of course if he doesn't contact me first, which I seriously doubt he would do sooner than me. I guess I have gotten discouraged after reading this forum whereas before, reading online aside from this site, I had a lot of hope. I also wonder, why hasn't he uttered a word to me and doesn't he miss me and wonder if I am okay? We had a very good relationship and this totally blindsided me. I think that he got freaked out and ran away (I was his first girlfriend, yet we are in our late 20's).
JaggedRoad Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Going NC is not used to get back an ex; it's a way for you to heal.
littlebittle Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 i know most people will respond to your post by saying that you shouldn't want him back and you won't heal this way. and they're basically right. generally, most relationships end for a good reason. but everyone is different, and no one knows the dynamic of your relationship except for you and your partner. follow your instincts, but just be aware that you could get hurt again. one thing that i think you should take into consideration about this forum is that it's a place for people who have been hurt. you probably won't see too many success stories on here. for the most part, people who have success stories don't feel the need to talk about them in online breakup message boards. so people here may be a little bit biased, and even a little bit bitter, for good reason. as far as nc goes, it definitely can work for getting someone back. but people are so unpredictable, and there's no way of knowing what your ex will want from you a month from now. sometimes nc pushes people further apart, sometimes it brings them closer. it just depends on the people and the situation. do what you need to do, but don't expect anything from him. you have to look out for yourself.
Author Schat Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 I know it's used to heal, but also as a strategy to get them back. Because if you keep bugging them it pushes them away even further and they can't even have a chance to miss you. And also, he isn't going to be attracted to a needy girl. I've been hoping that if I just leave him alone for awhile, he will realize what an idiot he was and want to be with me again, maybe. He said he doesn't want me to think I'm not going to see him again. And he also said he doesn't know what the future will hold, but didn't want to get my hopes up. I just wish he would have had a discussion with me about how he was feeling rather than blindsiding me and just calling it quits without working anything out.
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 OP, if he comes back, you'll have your answer as to his perspective. For now, accept that running away is his path. Part of NC is acceptance, that of the reality of the current relationship dynamic and also of your responsibility thereto. Healthy NC isn't about the other person at all. They are out of your control and on a path of their own. Your actions during NC have no effect on them whatsoever, as long as you remain NC. Tell me, if he were to call you today, what do you want?
littlebittle Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 i know, that sucks. i've been blindsided by exes in the past, and then i just had to sit with my emotions when there was so much i wanted to say. like, you want to plead your case. but if someone has already decided to break up with you, 9 times out of 10, pleading your case and talking will only go in circles. and then things can get ugly. nc is the best way for you to go. if you take a break from talking, and things have ended on a high note, that tends to be more conducive to some kind of positive outcome in the future. it's the best way to get him back, if there is a way. and if it doesn't work out, it's also the best way for you to heal.
Limbo21 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I think littlebittle has said it beautifully. I got my ex back by NC/LC and I posted my results (under a different name way back in June) but we have since spilt again and this time I'm doing hard NC. My attitude was always 'but mine's different' but the reality is it's rare to get back have a healthy relationship. Like I say though I think Littlebrittle has summed it up well
Author Schat Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 If he was to call me, I'd hope that he will have missed me and was rethinking things and want to see me... The next time I talk to him I am not planning on pleading my case, etc (unless he brings things up) because I don't want to push him away. I want to come off that it is okay and no hard feelings. When he broke up with me (through email), I was pleasant with him (rather than acting crazy and b****y in response). When he came to get his things and I saw him in person, I was nice to him and didn't act crazy then either. I was pretty calm and cooperative. I told him how I felt about him, etc. He didn't say so much and didn't show too much emotion... This guy is in his late 20s, never had a girlfriend before...we dated and things got serious and we fell in love. We dated 6 months. We are a very good match for each other; very compatable. We didn't fight or bicker much. When we did have somewhat of a fight, he would run away and not speak to me for at least a day. We got along so easily and had a lot of fun together and always wanted to be with each other. I was very good to him and he knew it. He was good to me too, except the fact that he'd run away when we had a fight (which was hardly ever). I suspect he felt too pushed (he was more cautious bc he has no experience...) and maybe that he wasn't good enough for me. Also, he is inherently a loner, yet he wanted to be with me a lot...and I think he is/was conflicted with that. He had said he was going to move in with me very soon before he left me. This is why I think giving him some space and time might help. Because I know he was crazy about me, it was obvious. That's why I was so baffled when he left me...makes no sense!
HeavenOrHell Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 My ex came back in the past after I said NC.
Confused728 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 im currently on 4 weeks of no contact trying to heal but i still think about him everday... im using it as healing but hope that he wont let me go that easy. i havent gotten a text from him now in about three weeks... after i started nc he text me three times in first week and half but i didnt answer, he hasnt text since. you think he will try again? at what point should i answer if i wanted to?i really dont wanna be first to text him and im kidna stuborn in that. whats longest anyone here did no contact before ex called or text..
hopesndreams Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I have found that NC can put you in the mind of the person you are NC'ing. But, when they do contact you, if they do, play it super cool and don't jump at whatever it is that they may say. For instance, "I miss you. How have you been?" Ignore it. It's called fishing. They are just curious what you are up to and want to know if you are thinking of them. If they truly have a change of heart and want back into your life, they won't send a text or email or give you a phone call with a bunch of meaningless words, they would instead, knock at your door and want to talk with you face to face.
desertsun09 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 It didn't work for me, but I've known it work for others. I used it as a way to get over the guy I used to be in love with... I was convinced he was the one. Now I can see things so clearly and I'm grateful to NC for giving me the clarity and time and space to get my head on straight. Now I am in love with someone and very happy with someone else. I can see what a dysfunctional relationship that was. I hate to say this, but you have to assume that its not going to work. You will eventually get it. It took me 7 weeks to get over him. My hope for you is that it takes you less time, but still 7 weeks aint that long in the grand scheme of things. Everything started when he sort of half-broke up with me. 2 days later, he removed me as his gf on facebook, de-skyped me, etc. I still get angry about all the crazy stuff he pulled when he broke up with me, so now I use that anger to know that i never wanna be in a situation like that again. You will too eventually. Just please don't give up hope. You will be happy again one day and you have to drop the scheming and wishing that he will change his mind, etc. Use NC as a tool for healing and moving on to something bigger and better. Good luck to you. xx
Confused728 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 how does NC put u in the mind of that person?
Daja Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 My ex recently came back after NC but at this point I'm not sure. The more I don't respond the harder he tries. It's been a month and he hasn't given up. This is after 4 months NC.
Author Schat Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 I have an update. My ex texted me for the first time last night. It was a sexual reference. I ignored it and a few hours later he apologized for that text and said he's been thinking about me. I said the same about him and he said he hopes I'm doing okay. I said I'm ok and asked how he is and he admitted that he's a little lonely. I said I know what he means...and haven't heard since then. What is this about!
kiwi pom Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Its difficult to NC when kids are in the house and the x is still here also - avoidence seems to be the best I can do - at least until we get the domestic arrangements sorted ..........
CaliGuy Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I have been reading online about "how to get your ex back" and just about everything says to use the NC strategy and it has a good chance of working. After reading on this site for the past week or so, it doesn't seem like it is successful. I am planning on NC for about a month total (since the breakup) and then call him up. This is of course if he doesn't contact me first, which I seriously doubt he would do sooner than me. I guess I have gotten discouraged after reading this forum whereas before, reading online aside from this site, I had a lot of hope. I also wonder, why hasn't he uttered a word to me and doesn't he miss me and wonder if I am okay? We had a very good relationship and this totally blindsided me. I think that he got freaked out and ran away (I was his first girlfriend, yet we are in our late 20's). There is no NC strategy for "winning your ex back". That is NOT what NC is all about. NC is for YOU to heal and MOVE ON. Yes, it does sometimes make them miss you but trust me, whether you do NC or not, if they want you back, they will find you. No matter where you are (and even if you change phone numbers, email, etc). Don't look at NC as an attempt to win them back. Look at it as your attempt to win YOURSELF back.
JL911 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Let me just start by clearly agreeing with Cali. No Contact you would be amazed how much different of a person you become when you COMPLETELY cut them off for 2-3months. No facebook or myspace no IM, no texts, no emails, no nothing! You were once a person without a relationship before you ever met this person. And that is the guy or gal you need to become once more. If you surround yourself with all of this torment and anguish over the break up, who is ever going to find you interesting or worth the risk?? No contact allowed me to see the major flaws of my ex. Cant communicate, bottles up months of problems only to explode at any given moment, moody, controlling, sets schedules, immature, spoiled, cannot handle problems well...It would have eventually ended... After going months of NC I got an email wishing me a happy birthday, wondering how things were going, and blah blah blah...Clicked delete and picked up my new lady for our movie date... Is no contact successful at getting them back?, maybe, but maybe in the process you find your individuality once more, see the real major flaws of the person who ended things, and then and only then can find someone even more amazing in the process... Thats my experience...Take it to the bank...I happier now with my current gf than I ever was with my ex...Simply based on maturity and communication skills alone this relationship is far better...
LuckyYou Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I just got out of a 3 year relationship about 1 1/2 month ago and went NC a few weeks ago. At first I thought it would bring him back, but I have realized I don't want him back at all. Its amazing how much clarity I have gotten in these past few weeks. I have started seeing just how bad this relationship was. I realize that it wasn't him I was missing, it was just being in a relationship that I missed. I didn't love him anymore and I guess part of me knew that for a while even when we were together, I was just afraid of change so I stayed with him. But now that I have started to get use to being single I am starting to enjoy it. So now I'm NC for myself. I'm learning that its not so scary being alone! Its actually kind of nice.
AnthonyMalibu Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I just got out of a 3 year relationship about 1 1/2 month ago and went NC a few weeks ago. At first I thought it would bring him back, but I have realized I don't want him back at all. Its amazing how much clarity I have gotten in these past few weeks. I have started seeing just how bad this relationship was. Good for you. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees, like they say. For the OP, the No-Contact approach definitely works. As long as you're willing to break ALL contact, and not just some of it.
LuckyYou Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Good for you. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees, like they say. For the OP, the No-Contact approach definitely works. As long as you're willing to break ALL contact, and not just some of it. thank you I guess what my whole point was, was go NC. Even if at first it to try to win back you ex, you might be surprised at how you feel after a little bit of NC.
paperchase Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 ...Yes, it does sometimes make them miss you but trust me, whether you do NC or not, if they want you back, they will find you... I agree with almost everything you post on NC (afterall, you wrote the book) except this. You can definitely extinguish any chance you have of reconciliation by not doing NC once they tell you it's over with the kind of finality that sends most scorned lovers into a desperate panic. They will not find you if you don't give them a reason to look because your standing there singing Against All Odds or otherwise pleading, pining or acting pathetic.
Author Schat Posted November 3, 2009 Author Posted November 3, 2009 Yes, i definitely want to keep up the NC as much as I can (at least me not being the one initiating). The last thing that was said between us is that he admitted he was lonely and i basically agreed, but then nothing!! How can he leave me with just that?? It's so tempting to call him or text him. And I'm wondering how long its going to take him to contact me again. I also hope he doesn't think I was kind of blowing him off by not saying much and maybe he won't want to contact me again. AGH, driving me crazy
paperchase Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Yes, i definitely want to keep up the NC as much as I can (at least me not being the one initiating). The last thing that was said between us is that he admitted he was lonely and i basically agreed, but then nothing!! How can he leave me with just that?? It's so tempting to call him or text him. And I'm wondering how long its going to take him to contact me again. I also hope he doesn't think I was kind of blowing him off by not saying much and maybe he won't want to contact me again. AGH, driving me crazy You are already hedging by saying "at least me not being the one initiating." Bad move. Just stop communicating completely and do it with the though of never communicating with him again. I know it's hard but you must do it. It will make you stronger and answer all the questions you have about the relationship. He'll either continue to contact you until he's in a desperate frenzy or fade away to black, but either way you'll start the healing process and be better able to cope.
blackjacker Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Going NC is just for the both of you to cool down and really think through things. Think about it, both of you not contacting each other, and the both of you can let matters go just like that? I think not. Since he hasn't been in any relationship before, there's a chance he might not know what to do, which is why he didn't contact you. Some guys have the mentality "since we already broke up, i don't have any rights to speak to her. If she wants to talk to me, she'll contact me" Being with him before, you should have a rough gauge whether would he feel this way. This may be also he has low-self esteem and don't really know what to do with girls. If you really care for him and want to lubricate this whole issue, take the 1st step and contact him. If you don't want to contact him 1st cause of some "pride" issue or "guy must contact 1st", then think it this way. Does all these matters, when you can get back with the guy whom you love and really want to get back with him? This is just my opinion. I hope no offence is taken
Recommended Posts