'I love you but I am not in love with you'

[Printer]

Hi everyone. I wish I had found this site some months ago. Let me tell you my story. I have been married to my wife for 17 years, been together 24 years. I'm 43 and she is 38, we have a beautiful 13 year old son. Like most marriages we had a few disagreements and rows, but nothing serious. I met my wife when she was only 14 turning 15. She was very mature for her age and I, like a true gent, waited for her coming of age. She had come from a broken home and a couple of years before, lost her mum to cancer( age 30 ). She was living with her gran and older sister. We got on like really well, then she was told she had to have a preventative cancer operation, as it was hereditary. For her to have such a big operation at a young age was awful. I ended up being the father figure to her as her dad had started a new life.

After the operation we got married and moved into our first house. We were so happy and started trying for a baby. This proved to be very difficult due to after effects of her operation. Finally the day came in 1996 and our son was born.

Fast forwarding to January of this year I heard the dreaded words ' I love you but I am not in love with you'. I was gutted and moved to my mums to give the space she wanted. Well as per usual I failed to give her the space, I became needy and begged and cryed. All the common mistakes.

This went on for a number of months, then we were told our son will have to have the same operation early next year. I thought that in some kind of odd way, this might bring us closer. But no, she just said we will be both there for him and he will cope. I moved back home in August after she had an accident at work and was unable to walk for three weeks. I stayed in the spare bedroom and we seemed to be getting on well. Our son was enjoying his family being together. But it clearly was not right and I kept talking about our relationship. In September, my wife switched jobs and became attracted to a customer. They dated, unknown to me. I went made when I found out. My son regrettably heard the row. She left the following day and moved to a friends house. She is about to move into her own flat soon. I miss her so much and so does my son, who is living with me. She told friends that she would never leave without her son, but that's what she's done.

I'm still in a total state of shock that she has gone. We still speak and appear to be on good terms. She tells me that the person she met is only a friend, not sure about that one. She tells me the reasons for ending our relationship was because she felt controlled and belittled by me. I never seen it coming because I cared for her so much and did'nt realizise this was affecting her. I wish she had told me and not her close friends. Lots of her friends and co-workers are either divorced or seperated and I think they are giving strength and advice. I have written a lovely letter admitting to my mistakes and how she must have felt. I have not criticised her at all and have taken responsibility for my actions. Should I send her this letter and hope that she might at some point forgive me?

I love this girl so much, me and my son desperately want our family to be reunited.

 

What should I do? 24 years is a long long time

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes I would send the letter, but just don't expect it to make everything all right. Do you know what caused you to be controlling and belittling towards her?

It might be worth going to Relate-on your own, as I am guessing she wouldn't want to go right now, you really need to work out why you acted that way towards her. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if there was any hope of second chances she would need to see that you have changed for the better, and even then there are no guarantees she would take you back.

 

Hi everyone. I wish I had found this site some months ago. Let me tell you my story. I have been married to my wife for 17 years, been together 24 years. I'm 43 and she is 38, we have a beautiful 13 year old son. Like most marriages we had a few disagreements and rows, but nothing serious. I met my wife when she was only 14 turning 15. She was very mature for her age and I, like a true gent, waited for her coming of age. She had come from a broken home and a couple of years before, lost her mum to cancer( age 30 ). She was living with her gran and older sister. We got on like really well, then she was told she had to have a preventative cancer operation, as it was hereditary. For her to have such a big operation at a young age was awful. I ended up being the father figure to her as her dad had started a new life.

After the operation we got married and moved into our first house. We were so happy and started trying for a baby. This proved to be very difficult due to after effects of her operation. Finally the day came in 1996 and our son was born.

Fast forwarding to January of this year I heard the dreaded words ' I love you but I am not in love with you'. I was gutted and moved to my mums to give the space she wanted. Well as per usual I failed to give her the space, I became needy and begged and cryed. All the common mistakes.

This went on for a number of months, then we were told our son will have to have the same operation early next year. I thought that in some kind of odd way, this might bring us closer. But no, she just said we will be both there for him and he will cope. I moved back home in August after she had an accident at work and was unable to walk for three weeks. I stayed in the spare bedroom and we seemed to be getting on well. Our son was enjoying his family being together. But it clearly was not right and I kept talking about our relationship. In September, my wife switched jobs and became attracted to a customer. They dated, unknown to me. I went made when I found out. My son regrettably heard the row. She left the following day and moved to a friends house. She is about to move into her own flat soon. I miss her so much and so does my son, who is living with me. She told friends that she would never leave without her son, but that's what she's done.

I'm still in a total state of shock that she has gone. We still speak and appear to be on good terms. She tells me that the person she met is only a friend, not sure about that one. She tells me the reasons for ending our relationship was because she felt controlled and belittled by me. I never seen it coming because I cared for her so much and did'nt realizise this was affecting her. I wish she had told me and not her close friends. Lots of her friends and co-workers are either divorced or seperated and I think they are giving strength and advice. I have written a lovely letter admitting to my mistakes and how she must have felt. I have not criticised her at all and have taken responsibility for my actions. Should I send her this letter and hope that she might at some point forgive me?

I love this girl so much, me and my son desperately want our family to be reunited.

 

What should I do? 24 years is a long long time

[Printer]

Hi Heavenorhell

 

Maybe it was that I generally made most of the decisions within the household. Big decisions like house purchase and car was always joint. I have my own business and tend to run the house business like. I know it clearly was not right, as it left her with very few things to decide. I think she looked up at me as a father figure, put me on the pedastal which enevitably I would fall off. I don't think I controlled her, cared for her for sure. I never stopped her from doing anything, in fact I felt guility that I would go out with the boys and she would be at home looking after our son. I would say to her to go out more regular, but she would say that her friends were always busy with their own lives. I just wished she would have talked to me about things and not bottled them up causing resentment towards me. She has always said to me that she is not a very forgiving person and I am truely experiencing that now. I think she misses her mum and also I forget to mention she lost her sister 3 years ago to cancer. She was only 31 but my wife was not that close to her due to the family being split up when they were little.

[CBIIS1]

It wasn't you. She used you. She handed the lead to you and you took it. She knew what she was doing. Then all of a sudden things weren't going her way so she wanted to change the rules. It was too late because the arragement she had initially agreed to was already in place. Now, that she isn't as needy you're sent to the curb. Don't get sucked into this manipulating, control crap women use to turn themselves into victims. They damn well know what they are doing when they hand responsibilities over to their men. I just got out of a trap like that and found someone new who likes my controlling manipulative ways . Her deceased husband was just like me and she loved him, understood him and knew how to be happy with him and still be independant. Your ex and my ex are lazy throw away wives who take and take and when things get tough its somebody else's fault, never theirs. You are what you are and she knew exactly what she was getting. She wanted to change the rules she was initially happy with, not you. Next time you see her, tell her you still love her, and walk away smiling with another woman. I do, she deserves it, and I'm happy. My ex like your's is angry inside and confused as hell. She likes to see you suffer, just don't. Tell yourself she's an evil witch, undeserving of your love, think about it its true. You were there in her time of need. Love someone else who deserves your love and stop blaming yourself for being you. Don't let anyone else do it either. If you are the type to be "in charge" be clear about it with your next partner. Some women understand it and don't mind. Find the right match and accept yourself for who you are. Your ex was the problem, get rid of her.

Edited November 1, 2009 by CBIIS1

[HeavenOrHell]

I would say send the letter, I sent one to my ex, it didn't bring him back to me, but it helped to say all that I needed to say, but he said he really appreciated it and he said to not blame myself as it takes two to keep a relationship going.

It is very common for couples in long term relationships to take each other for granted, it is so easily done.

Communication is SO important in relationships, and lack of communication seems to be a common problem when it comes to relationship breakdown.

Do you think she would be willing to go to Relate with you?

Does she suffer with depression?

Try not to pressure her or come across as desperate, we can't force someone to be in love with us. I haven't come across as desperate to my ex, for a start I have too much pride, plus I don't want to scare him off! I don't want to pressure him, desperation is a big turn off, but showing someone or telling them what they mean to you is ok, just so they are in no doubt.

 

 

Hi Heavenorhell

 

Maybe it was that I generally made most of the decisions within the household. Big decisions like house purchase and car was always joint. I have my own business and tend to run the house business like. I know it clearly was not right, as it left her with very few things to decide. I think she looked up at me as a father figure, put me on the pedastal which enevitably I would fall off. I don't think I controlled her, cared for her for sure. I never stopped her from doing anything, in fact I felt guility that I would go out with the boys and she would be at home looking after our son. I would say to her to go out more regular, but she would say that her friends were always busy with their own lives. I just wished she would have talked to me about things and not bottled them up causing resentment towards me. She has always said to me that she is not a very forgiving person and I am truely experiencing that now. I think she misses her mum and also I forget to mention she lost her sister 3 years ago to cancer. She was only 31 but my wife was not that close to her due to the family being split up when they were little.

[Printer]

I would say send the letter, I sent one to my ex, it didn't bring him back to me, but it helped to say all that I needed to say, but he said he really appreciated it and he said to not blame myself as it takes two to keep a relationship going.

It is very common for couples in long term relationships to take each other for granted, it is so easily done.

Communication is SO important in relationships, and lack of communication seems to be a common problem when it comes to relationship breakdown.

Do you think she would be willing to go to Relate with you?

Does she suffer with depression?

Try not to pressure her or come across as desperate, we can't force someone to be in love with us. I haven't come across as desperate to my ex, for a start I have too much pride, plus I don't want to scare him off! I don't want to pressure him, desperation is a big turn off, but showing someone or telling them what they mean to you is ok, just so they are in no doubt.

 

I agree with you totally regarding communication. That I fear, has been our downfall. We just took each other for granted without realising it. I think her needs kept changing as our son was growing up and they were'nt communicated to me.

We did try Relate very early on, which I think was to soon. I should have waited a while longer but I was panicking. She felt intimidated by the male councellor, as if the finger was being pointed in her direction. We had six sessions but she would not open up. Maybe now is a better time to try, but she feels it is all over and pointless. I know for her to forgive is a massive challenge but i'm sure the healing process could start if she knew how to forgive. Maybe I should sent her the letter and try and avoid any contact for a while.

I think she is suffering from some kind of depression, but how do I tell her this? So much has happened in her life and yet there is more to come, what with our son's forthcoming operation.

We miss her so much.

[CBIIS1]

Let go , move on, you can't fix her, she's way beyond the tipping point. Don't count on her to make you feel better. God has someone else for you, trust him. She was bottling up, not you. She could have initiated debates, she didn't. She just put up and waited for you. Remember, she gave you the lead. She wasn't about to take charge of her happiness. That was your job. Forget her, she's too lazy.

[hopesndreams]

I'm still in a total state of shock that she has gone. We still speak and appear to be on good terms. She tells me that the person she met is only a friend, not sure about that one. She tells me the reasons for ending our relationship was because she felt controlled and belittled by me.

 

Yes, 24 years is a long time, but whether it be for 1, 5, 10, 15, or 24 years, the fact remains that she bailed on your M.

 

Once you hear the dreaded ILYBNILWY, you can pretty much guarantee there is someone else, and as you have figured out that all the begging and pleading will not, will not, ever, budge anyone's mindset once they have spoken those words. The only thing you can do is LC because of the son you both have together.

 

Do write the letter, for you. Do not send it. She already knows how you feel and for her to read such a letter now would only drive her further away.

 

A WS will use many excuses and justifications for their behaviour in order to alleviate their guilt in what they have done. She is cheating on you. Do not take the blame for this, she owns it, 100%. Yes, you both may have taken each other for granted and said and did things you have regretted over the years. But, she was the weak one, and instead of communicating with you about how she was feeling, it was just easier for her to turn to someone else and then not have to face what SHE has done wrong.