squeaky Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Sorry this is so long... To give you some background, I'm 27 and I've been single for 5 years. I've been in 4 long term relationships, some less successful than others. Part of the reason why I haven't dated in so long as that I just don't connect very easily with others in relationships, and I'm very guarded. But the other reason is that I was assaulted by a coworker 3 years ago, and since then, I have been sort of afraid of getting close to a man. I started dating someone in April. We met through mutual friends and instantly hit it off. I have never felt such a strong connection with anyone, and the whole thing was exciting and overwhelming and unexpected. We got serious pretty quickly (after only a few weeks, we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend). I liked him SO MUCH but I have to admit things went sort of fast for me, especially after not being close to anyone for so long. Things were going really well until I had a visit with my parents over the summer. Even before meeting my boyfriend, they made some offhand remarks about how I should be careful about getting hurt. They were only looking out for me, but I started to think a lot about what they had said, and I began to feel anxious about being involved in something so serious. I really was falling in love with my ex-boyfriend (for the first time in my life), but I was so afraid of getting hurt that I started to push him away. I wouldn't be mean or anything like that, but I was distant and I wouldn't share my emotions with him. I knew he sensed it, and we had some talks about it, but at the time, I wasn't consciously aware of what I was doing or why. So about 2 months ago he broke up with me, saying he didn't feel attracted to me and there was a distance between us. At first I felt so relieved that he broke up with me. But after just a day or two, I realized how much I liked him, and that I had let my fears take over. He wanted us to remain friends, and he continued to show a lot of affection towards me (although no sex). I finally poured my heart out to him, and told him how much I really liked him. He was really surprised, and he was happy too, but he said that he wasn't ready for such a serious relationship either (he has also had some heartache in his past). We decided to stop talking for awhile, just to get our heads clear. Now we're working on a friendship. It's been going pretty well. I understand my feelings better now, and I know why things went wrong between us. I'm still not ready for something really serious. We hang out and talk and we keep things very platonic. I want to be friends with him no matter what, because we honestly have such a deep connection, and we are always kind and respectful and warm to one another. I know we won't get back together anytime soon, but I still have feelings for him. Ultimately, I know how good we are together and I hope we can figure something out somewhere down the road. I know that for now I have to just focus on my own well-being, but do you think I've pushed him away forever? Thank you for any insight!
MrFun Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Sorry, you're feeling all this. I don't know to be rude, but I think you should work on your issues first.
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Part of the reason why I haven't dated in so long as that I just don't connect very easily with others in relationships, and I'm very guarded. But the other reason is that I was assaulted by a coworker 3 years ago, and since then, I have been sort of afraid of getting close to a man. During this time of friendship, he can support you on your journey to resolve these issues within yourself. Counseling is really helpful if you want a successful relationship with this guy or another man. Good luck and welcome
Author squeaky Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Not rude at all, it's very true. If I had been more ready for something serious, I don't believe this would have happened. I've been through lots of counseling for post traumatic stress disorder from being assaulted, but I always knew dating would be hard. For now we are friends, and he is someone I can talk to. As I said, I can't get back together with him anytime soon, and I know he feels the same. I just hope that door hasn't closed on us forever.
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Tell me about a close friendship you have with a woman. Have you solicited feedback from such a friend about your current circumstance? How do you feel about that feedback, if you've asked. I'm attempting to determine your attachment style. Is your counseling ongoing? FWIW, I've been a 'therapist' in a number of friendships and it gets old, even with a lot of love. IMO, save your work for the counselor and enjoy your friend (this man) as a friend. That will give that door the best chance of remaining open.
Author squeaky Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 I have a lot of close girl friends, and I've talked to my 3 best friends about it a lot. I've felt ok about their feedback. They've all been very supportive of me, and they all feel sad that this has happened. I think a lot of my close friends were really routing for this to work for me. I feel like my friends don't always completely understand where I'm coming from with the assault/5 years of singledom thing, because they haven't had the same experiences. I don't talk to my ex too much about this stuff, although he asks a lot. He's a social worker, so it's sort of in his nature. Aside from that, he was molested as a child, so he's one of the few people I know who can relate to my assault. I'm not currently in therapy, I don't have insurance a this point. I've been in and out of therapy for years (for other reasons), and I'm also a psych major, so I've learned to become fairly self-aware and proactive about the issues I have. As much as this situation has been very painful, I'm glad that it happened. Before I met my ex, I was so far from where I am now. It's a big deal that I was able to get close to someone, and I just have to sort of work from there.
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 If you have three close girlfriends, this tells me you can emotionally attach to people, but that a traumatic experience with a man has polarized attachment to males. Have you had positive non-sexual attachments to men in the past, like role-models, etc.? Also, since you're a psych major, this tells me you're in school at the undergraduate or graduate level. Does your school's psych department have a therapy program or group support program that would fit your needs? Generally, for students, there is no cost. Give me an example of something you do now for your friend that you didn't do while you were a couple.... I'm curious about the path of this transition from romance to platonic friendship, as the two dynamics are very different. One example perhaps would be taking an active interest in his social life away from you. Another might be interest in or sharing a new interest he has developed since breaking up.
Author squeaky Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Yeah, I don't have attachment issues. I have a very close group of friends. I have had positive attachments to men, I still do. My older brother is my best friend in the whole world, and I am also good friends with a bunch of guys. I'm pretty close to my roommate, who is a straight man who I'm not physically attracted to but get along with great as a friend. My closest friends have always been women, and it's true that the assault has really influenced how much I trust men in general. At the same time, this relationship has been the deepest connection to another person I've ever felt - man or woman. As far as the difference between a relationship and a friendship with my ex, it's mostly just that I'm not affectionate with him anymore. We have a lot in common, we have very similar interests, morals, values, viewpoints, etc. Once specific thing that we have in common is just a general love of learning and a curious nature. So whenever either of us takes an interest in something new, the other person is bound to be interested, if only out of curiosity. Examples of this are like, new books that we read, new stuff I learn in school that I tell him about, new stuff that he learns from other friends, etc. We're both always interested in anything new we can learn from one another, and it was the same when we dated. As far as his social life goes, he's had the same group of friends for years. I've become friends with his two best friends (they're both guys), and I've continued to hang out with them since we broke up, and even when my ex and I were doing NC. My ex is fine with that, he likes that we're all friends. I'm honestly a bit burnt out on therapy for now. I do know what my issues are, and it's clear to me that I need to go more slowly with serious relationships right now.
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 OK, good information. I know what you mean about being burnt out on therapy. Have you identified why you feel comfortable with a male roommate (essentially a man living in your space) but have trust issues in an intimate relationship with a man? You say the assault affected how much you trust men in general. Accepted, but how does this relate to the trust you have for your roommate? Lastly, can you identify and/or explain what 'go more slowly with serious relationships' means? Slow generally refers to time, meaning you wish to take more linear time to develop a relationship, but is that all? How do you think it would be different if you were just now calling yourselves 'boyfriend and girlfriend' versus two weeks in? Would you wait longer to have sex? What difference do you think that would make? Know thyself, a wise person once said
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