desertsun09 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I've been dating my bf for 4 months now (we've been friends for a year before that) and he had already planned on going to travel for 6 months around the beginning of the year before we had even started dating. Now he's asked me to go with him. The thing is that it wouldn't exactly put me in a great financial spot and would create some logistical complications, such as having to move outta my flat, cancel phone lines, storage issues for all my stuff. My fixed-term contract job ends in a few months anyway, although there may be the chance I could stay if I worked on it. I wouldn't have a place to live or job when I came back and that is my greatest fear in this current economy. I'm full of fear right now, but my heart is telling me to go as we really have a good thing going here. We care a great deal about each other and have a very fun, passionate, caring relationship. I haven't felt this way in a long time. We are both in our 30s so its not like we're kids. I feel like this could be the guy I will spend my life with. I fear that if I don't go with him, the distance will break us apart and won't be able to survive it. The bottom line is that long distance does NOT work and you can't really date someone when they are outta the continent for 6 months. It feels like the right thing to do. It would be a chance of a lifetime to see all of these cool countries and really do something fun and kinda crazy. We would have each other in case something went wrong on the road and i would feel totally safe with him. Should I go for it and take the risk, or play it safe and risk losing him by staying here? Advice?
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I would politely decline and offer to visit him while he is traveling. Personally, I would never make such a request of a spouse or girlfriend unless we were cohabiting and I knew for certain such a journey wouldn't impact her negatively, like if we were both retired, as an example. If the relationship you have is genuine, you won't lose him.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 The thing is that it wouldn't exactly put me in a great financial spot and would create some logistical complications, such as having to move outta my flat, cancel phone lines, storage issues for all my stuff. My fixed-term contract job ends in a few months anyway, although there may be the chance I could stay if I worked on it. I wouldn't have a place to live or job when I came back and that is my greatest fear in this current economy. It sounds like a bad idea to me. In your place, best case scenario, I would do as carhill suggested and visit him on the trip. Don't drop your life and throw your finances into upheaval for him and his plans. Live your OWN life for your own happiness, peace of mind, and success. I wouldn't respect a man who gambled his financial well-being and plans just to tag along with me on a trip like that. If he is really worth the time and effort, he will find ways to make it easy for you to participate in some way with him on his travels. And if he's really into you, the absence during travel will only make his heart grow fonder for you, and it won't ruin the relationship.
openbook08 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 ill give you my initial gut reaction - not a good idea i echo carhill & ruby slippers opinions. its all good !
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Also, being gone for six months is more than a simple trip, so he can pop over for a few days to visit you, too. Plane flights are cheap. Distance wouldn't stop me.
dreamergrl Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 If he is the one, the relationship will survive. If he is not the one, you're screwed when you come back.
bbf Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I say do it for adventure, only if you really want to go and see the world. It sounds like right now is as good an opportunity as you'll ever have. Don't go because you are afraid to lose the guy.
mushmush Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 (edited) I've been traveling around the world for 12 months and it was the experience of a life time. Something I wish everyone could do once in their life as it is such an eye opener. He is most likely asking so you can share this experience together.. Finacially I came back in a bit of debt but I would not trade the experiences or the memories I have for anything. This is a huge opportunity to step outside your comfort zone and really live a little. Life is to short not to live to the fullest and have the odd adventure.. IF you decide to go on this trip, do it for the right reasons though. Because you want to share this adventure with him, not because you fear you will loose him if you dont go. I say live a little, you will have a blast! Edited November 1, 2009 by mushmush
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 OP, is he going to support you during this trip? Essentially, he's asking you to move in with him, except in an itinerant fashion. Have you crunched the numbers on this? Boring, but part of the reality of relationships
drillman Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Are the places hes traveling to place YOU want to go? Is he footing the bill? i would go if i had a plan B incase things dont work out and the destinations are desirable.
Author desertsun09 Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Thanks everyone for your replies. You've given me lots to think about. Just wanted to add a couple of things though, maybe this will shed some light on why i think i should go. I currently live in UK (I'm American) and have only been here for a little over a year. I don't know too many people here, and have been living a sort of "half-life" (until we started dating).....I go out and meet people and have my hobbies and everything, but at the end of the day, I have been terribly lonely over here (far from home, no family here, no significant other). I stress out about money because its so expensive over here and I basically live paycheck to paycheck. I was very lonely until we started dating. Being with him has completely changed my life. I'm actually happy for the first time in 4 years. I smile and have a spring in my step. We are very ingrained in each other's lives now and in all honesty, he is the reason i didn't pack my bags and head back to the US earlier this year. I look at it this way, he definitely wants me to go. He is not the type that would think i am following him across the world or anything like that or being clingy, etc. He just wants to share the experience with me. We have a healthy relationship he genuinely wants me to go so we can be together. As far as money, I have enough money for flights and basic living, but he said he would pay for accommodation and if i ran out of money, we will pool our money together and make it work. The countries are places that i've been dying to see myself. I am a natural risk taker in general (for ex: currently living in a different country). I may not be able to keep my job past the end of the fixed term contract anyway, which expires this Feb. I have basically figured out that it will cost me less to live in Southeast Asia for 6 months, than living in my tiny studio London flat right now! haha The problem is that i would have to give up my flat (which i may have had to give up anyway because my job contract is ending) and would be in a tough spot upon returning to the UK, with no job, no savings, etc. Friends offered to let me stay with them upon returning until i find a job. He lives/cares for his mother who is strict muslim, so i can't move in with him when we get back. I just don't see the point of staying here for those 6 months while he's gone. It's not like i'm saving any money here in London, so I just don't see the point to be honest.....and like i mentioned, I would probably move back to US if it weren't for him because it's a wayyy tougher life over here than in the US. Anyway, do you guys have a change of heart? Do you still think I shouldn't go? Thanks! xx
Ruby Slippers Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Hon, you sound young. In fact, you remind me of myself 10 years or so ago. I've lived in Europe. I've taken huge leaps for love. I've been where you are. I think the danger here is that you are seeing this man as some kind of savior. You say your life was lonely and unhappy till he swooped in. The presence of a man should not interfere with you developing your OWN healthy social life, support system, and fulfillment, but a lot of people fall into the trap of revolving their world around their SO when they are younger. Why did YOU move to the UK? What are YOUR goals? How does this 6-month trip out of nowhere figure in to YOUR plans for yourself? What would you be doing to better your life if this man had never entered the picture? What would you do if you did not go on this trip? It's very easy to get swept up in the romance of this, but you need to TAKE SOME TIME and think this through rationally.
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