Author Bobita Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 OP, as you have apparently identified what you want, to have the intimacy and love you experienced with your prior BF before he was unfaithful, can you embrace the possibility that such a dynamic can exist and independently of any one person currently in your life? IOW, accept what is in the here and now and also know that your 'ideal' does exist and is valuable? IMO, these two dynamics are interwoven and form an essential part of the one's psychology of relationships. 'Today might suck but, you know, I deserve 'xxx' and I'm not going to let today make me settle for any less' I get, what you are saying...I'm sure that dynamics can be achieved with the right person...but my BIG problem is that I want to achieve it with him, the "jerk" I care for...because he has some very difficult to find traits... the "here and now" is the fact that he doesn't know if he wants to commit. But does that mean that there is absolutely no hope? Should I not be patient with him at all? Last week I was away from the country, and when I was back he was like crazy...calling me, keeping me on the phone for 3-4-5 hours...He told me he can't live without me, more than a week... He could have omost any girl....why waste time with me if he doesn't love me?...because I'm not the easiset person to interact with...
Author Bobita Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 "I went back because I missed him and because it pissed me bad to find out he had shagged that ex." Thats all I was commenting on I'm sure you do have feelings for him, so I wish you all the best. To say I was pissed off was actually an euphemism, I was in *** pain! On the floor, crying for a few days, not going to work, drinking and trying to forget about him, relieving the horrific days after I had found out my ex-bf had cheated on me and did not love me anymore...and on top of it I was beating myself up because it had been my idea to break-up, not realising he could find someone new so fast, and it could hurt me like that...I thought I wouldn't care so much....silly me! If you spent time alone and you lost him, wouldn't that also mean that he has lost you as well? Don't you think he would not want to loose you? In a way, he lost me...because now I don't trust him and I'm not so opened towards him. He did it because he thought "we" were really over, and this is his way of dealing with this kind of pain: trying to deny it, fill the void quickly with something else...Also, at that time he was smoking omost every day... Sometimes the best things are worth waiting and showing a little bit of patience for. From the sounds of things it sounds like you have a heart of gold and are worth waiting for. I know, I know...it hurt me so bad...that he didn't wait for his *** to "dry" a little...Probably back then I was not so important...not more important than his own needs...probably today I'm also not that important...people are selfish, even when they are inlove... I don't think I have a heart of gold, I have made many mistakes and I wish other people would have had patience with me (my ex bf) because people CAN CHANGE but it takes a lot of time and effort ... I did it, but for me it was too late.
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 How much does he use? Daily? Weekly? what.... Last week I was away from the country, and when I was back he was like crazy...calling me, keeping me on the phone for 3-4-5 hours...He told me he can't live without me, more than a week... He could have almost any girl....why waste time with me if he doesn't love me?...because I'm not the easiest person to interact with...Do you see the red flags here? OK, I'm going to leave this one for others and opine now that he is emotionally unstable, likely due to the influence of drugs. He may be a great guy and can indeed have almost any girl, but IMO makes a lousy relationship/marriage prospect. Hopefully, someone can give you reasons to think I'm nuts
Author Bobita Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 "How much does he use? Daily? Weekly? what...." He used to smoke weed, some legal shet and pills but he quit that about 3 months ago, when he decided to put his life in order. He started doing that after his girl left him, kept it on for a few months and then quit. Unfortunately, I met him at the worst time of his life...and at the worst time of mine...which sort of brought us together but also undermined our chances... Also, I realize he doesn't make great marriage material... We are very different: I am a career woman, doing my PhD, and keeping up with the latest progress in my domain (scientifique), very competitive, with a good salary and stable job...he is a sort of free-lancer, sometimes working on a project, sometimes not, for the moment living with the parents, avoiding "boring" jobs, with a degree in Humanities... But yet, we are unavoidably attracted to one another... My main problems are that: I think he actually loves me in his twisted way (which doesn't mean he could make me happy), I think I love him in spite of all the red flags, I hope he might change and desire a "home" with me, I fear loosing him, as I feel that would mean loosing something of real value... Thank you so much for taking the time to think about my problem! Sometimes I just want to turn myself off, in order not to have to make a decision...
mushmush Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 (edited) In a past relation, I thought I could make someone change and kept on fighting for it. All that happened was they dragged me down to their level. Most destructive relationship i've ever been in as I really did think she loved me in her own twisted way.. 2 weeks after we broke up and I had not even moved out of the house she was telling me that she was sleeping with her ex and how big his dick was ffs .. awsome awsome..... granted her motivations were differnt and she was emotionally unbalanced. "I think he actually loves me in his twisted way". Do you actually believe this or are you clutching at straws?? His actions would leave you in no doubt if he actually did love you. I will add that I have a friend who tells a girls he is seeing that "I'm not ready to settle down" or "Does not want a relationship". He is being honest with her by saying this, but should also add with her. He enjoys her company, likes spending time with her but is missing the spark he is after and does not see the relationship being anything more than what it currently is. I'm not saying this is the case with you and your man.. Just giving you some more food for thought. Edited November 1, 2009 by mushmush
Author Bobita Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 "I will add that I have a friend who tells a girls he is seeing that "I'm not ready to settle down" or "Does not want a relationship". He is being honest with her by saying this, but should also add with her. He enjoys her company, likes spending time with her but is missing the spark he is after and does not see the relationship being anything more than what it currently is" Actually, in the beginning he told me he was not ready yet for something meaningful (recently broke up)...now he says he is considering things and trying to see wether we could be more or not...saying he would like to try with me, but at the same time can't make up his mind to "love me", because...it's too consuming, I don't know...because he feels I need his affection too much, which in turn makes him feel too responsible, because he dosen't know where he stands right now, at his age...that he would like a family, but not now (I also don't want one now)... Actually, I would be happy just living our story, without so many questions concerning the future...travelling with him a little, making love, spending time...with no commitments on his part or mine. But, and that is a paradox, he is the one always bringing up the subject ..."the future of us"
Author Bobita Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 One week ago we spoke on the phone...after he told me how he had been doing I started telling him about a job I had not been paid for, and as I was complaining about this he told me that I'm boring. And that we should talk about something more interesting...I was disturbed by his lack of empathy, and I told him that I was upset, so he asked me to end the conversation. i said "ok" and I hung up. The next day he asked, via sms, if I was still upset...I answered "no". And that was the last time I've heard from him.... For one week, no sign whatsoever. So I didn't call him either, because I didn't know what to think and I was afraid of being rejected or considered "boring" again... Should I call him and see what's on his mind? or should I just let it be and move on with my life? I feel so sad and guilty about all this. If only I was more interesting and didn't have this "weak" moments when I seek comfort...because I know that he doesn't like to see my weak parts... But on the other hand I need someone...
sedgwick Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 (edited) The longest period I've been completely alone: two weeks. I'd say that's your problem!! How can you be a good partner to another if you haven't taken time alone to get to know yourself? he told me that I'm boring. And that we should talk about something more interesting. because I know that he doesn't like to see my weak parts... But on the other hand I need someone... You NEED someone? How about needing yourself, and refusing to put up with sh*t like that? Edited November 24, 2009 by sedgwick
jerseyboy Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 This is a huge issue in my life and relationships. Ive only ever said it to two women. And it is always going to be an issue. Its just human. People want to ehar it. Ive thought a lot at times about just lying and saying it. I just cant do it. In some weird way I think somewhere in my subconscious is this thought that I should save it for a future wife lol. Maybe not But there was definitely a different feeling with those I had said it to which wasnt present in all the others. Just difficult to describe. The first girl I said it to I was about 24. I stopped to eat after work. I saw her sitting inside with a guy that was a lot older. She was my age within months, he was close to 60. So I couldnt tell if it was her father or a bf. But I couldnt stop staring at her.And I dont do that. Very very rarely do I see a woman and think I have to get that one.I always foudn that strange because my friends do all the time. So she got up to go to the bathroom, came by me and said I know youve been staring at me all this time lol. She had just finished a work contract, and the boss had taken her out to dinner to celebrate and say good bye. She sat down and we started talking , I had probably got there by 7pm the latest, and we ended up closing the place. I gave her my number, she was always real cautious about letting people know her number or where she lived, and didnt call me for the next three days.To say I was sweating her every one of those days is no exxageration. She finally called me at work day three, we made a date, and I think thats the first time in my life I ever went clothes shopping for a date lol. Even years later she had this way of making me feel. I could sit and watch her get dressed for hours, and she took hours doing it:) When I thought of her she would make my body burn. I could be sitting in my office thinking of her, and it felt like a bright sun was burning my skin, and that my body was running a fever. And that whole always wondering what she was doing, what she was thinking, feeling of happines when she called or texted. Its very rare for me to feel that way about someone
Ody Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 (edited) Its very rare for me to feel that way about someone What happened? To OP, I wouldn't call this guy if I were you, just move on. Edited November 24, 2009 by Ody
jerseyboy Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 What happened? Uggh Everything Med school for her a few years later. My company at the time pushing me to spend time overseas. At the time I thought seriously about moving there with her. But I was young and ambitious, and it would have been more than a setback. It would have been starting over with less upside. She offered to wait before starting. But nothing was really going to change in a year or two. I should of tried harder to make it work somehow.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 While we were trying to see if we should get back together I asked him if he loves me. His answer was "No". After getting back together... I'm so lost on why you'd get back together with somebody that just got finished telling you he didn't love you.
Author Bobita Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 I'm so lost on why you'd get back together with somebody that just got finished telling you he didn't love you. Well....I'm inlove with him, this is why. And addicted to the way he makes me feel when we are together. And I've never before met someone that I could listen to speaking for hours and hours, till' I met him... Anyway, I was able to refrain from calling him at all. But not able to not pick up the phone when he called...so I'm still at the same place where I was before: he's not breaking up, but we don't move forward...
threebyfate Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Well....I'm inlove with him, this is why. And addicted to the way he makes me feel when we are together. And I've never before met someone that I could listen to speaking for hours and hours, till' I met him... Anyway, I was able to refrain from calling him at all. But not able to not pick up the phone when he called...so I'm still at the same place where I was before: he's not breaking up, but we don't move forward...We teach people how to treat us. Now that you've taken him back on his terms, where's his motivation to change?
Author Bobita Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 A few more months have passed and we have been getting closer. He has changed (at least apparently), he has been more affectionate towards me, he told me that he loves me, but he was afraid to tell me. He also wants us to move together, but I am not so sure if that's such a good idea. During the last two months the subject of his episodes with the two girls came up a few times, and I realised I am quite bitter towards it. He was mad at me, for bringing it up so many times, with resentment, accusing him of being disloyal, but not trying to be forgiving...He says that I don't want to try to forgive, that I just want to keep remembering, so that I will have something on him....He also says that I try to make him more attached to me by making him feel guilty...and that I managed to obtain exactly the opposite...and that now he is tired of all this. Right now, I don't even know where we stand: a few days ago we had a fight, because I asked him again about his two "affairs"...and he said that he is open to telling me all I want, but the thing that gets on his nerves is that I don't need to know in order to try to forgive, but in order to continue blaming fim for it. And that he doesn't need that. He said that he is tired and maybe we should each go our separate way.... Since our fight, we only exchanged a couple of sms's, because I'm ill and he wanted to know if I'm ok.... I know I love him, but I feel I screwed things up by blaming him over and over. Is there any chance to make things up?
torranceshipman Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Bobita, reading your posts makes me feel awful for you - he is a really manipulative, mean guy who doesnt treat you well at ALL, and he has clearly trounced your self esteem completely. Looking back over this thread he called you boring, said he didnt love you, waited about a day after your split to hook up and have sex with other girls, told you to your face that he said the L word to them, but that he didnt want to say it to you, didnt contact you for a week after that 'you're boring' text...all the other crappy stuff he says to you...I mean, he is treating you like a doormat, has no respect for you, twists things to make you feel like it is 'your' fault, and its just nasty. You shouldnt be with someone like this - he is horrible. One day I hope you end up with a really nice guy who treats you well, and then you'll experience how much happier you'll be as a result, because you're being respected and valued.
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