Limbo21 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Can anyone help me with my next course of action? Counseling here in the UK isn't quite as easy to come by as it is in other places (stiff upper lip and all that). I don't want a normal counselor though, I want a relationship expert. I guess I've gotta go down the GP route if I want it free but I don't think the one he's referred me to in the past much good. I've been trying to understand why this breakup is so much harder than the others an the only reasons I can come up with is co-dependancy and infatuation. I don't know if that's the case, I'm just trying to make sense of this loss I'm feeling. I'm also finding it harder as the realisation that she has left me & isn't come back is dawning on me What are the list ... The range of emotions we have to go through before come out of the otherside Hope someone can advise me.... Ta
Brightmoon Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Hi Limbo. I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time.. I live in UK too know how hard it is to get counselling.... good counselling. I wish I could help more but I found this by searching the "stages of grief" on Google. Until someone else comes along and gives you some proper insight.. I hope it helps to see the stages.. and that there is an end to feeling so low.. Reading what you have said.. I wonder if you are at stage 4.... and therefore on the cusp of the up turn. I wish you all the best. Big hug for you Limbo. *hug* [FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=4]Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":[/sIZE] [/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]7 Stages of Grief... [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]1. SHOCK & DENIAL-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks. [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]2. PAIN & GUILT-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. [/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT] [/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase. [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]3. ANGER & BARGAINING-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. [/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT] [/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back") [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS]During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]7 Stages of Grief... [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]5. THE UPWARD TURN-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her. [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. [/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]7 stages of grief...[/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS]You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. [/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT]
Brightmoon Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Oops!! I am sorry for the way the article copied:confused:... Hope you can still make some of it out ..
GrayClouds Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 (edited) Might be a bit easier: Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief": Stages of Grief... 1. SHOCK & DENIAL-You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks. 2. PAIN & GUILT-As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase. 3. ANGER & BARGAINING-]Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back") 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 5. THE UPWARD TURN- As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her. 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. Edited November 1, 2009 by GrayClouds
mickleb Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Hi Limbo. I think it's great you are seeking counselling to help you through this. Good on you. I would suggest contacting your nearest Relate centre for a recommendation. As far as I'm aware, they have specialised counsellors who charge a reasonable fee and those who pay are not subject to being 'chosen' via application. I think I've got that right - but they will certainly be able to give you the details you need. In the meantime, the book From Heartbreak To Connection is a great starting place for self-analysis. It is a 'workbook', so involves a lot of exercises. I'm sure you could refer to the work you had done on these in couselling sessions, and this might speed up the process quite a lot. Some people find it 'as good as a counsellor', so I have to recommend it! You can find details about it at www.abandonment.net . It also goes through the grieving process very thoroughly - the website gives an introduction. Although I recommend it a LOT on here, I have no financial interest in doing so, btw (chance would be a fine thing!) I have just been helped a lot by the book, personally and know I'm not the only one. Having done 6 years of therapy and trained as a cousellor - I now work in a related field - in my professional opinion, it's the best book on the market when overcoming the trauma of a separation. Hope this helps and good luck. x
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