JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 (edited) Short story first, then long version. Short version is that I am the reason that my relationship with the most amazing girl I have ever met has ended. I have trust issues in a relationship, and I let it get the better of me and turn into an issue that caused my relationship with this girl to end. I'm having a very tough time dealing with this fact, and a neutral ears might help me sort things out. Basically, over the last 8 months, this girl and myself have done everything together. I'm not talking about we dragged each other to things, but we both were genuinely interested in all the same things. We played video games together, went to concerts, attended conventions, and just loved doing all these things together. However, we argued a lot. Our views on what the relationship should be were different, and b/c they were different I let my trust issues makes things worse (and often times I would start the arguements). Two weeks ago, I decided I needed to get professional help with this issue, so I scheduled a counseling appointment (it's Monday, and thank the gods as I feel I really need it now). I told her this, and she was very happy I took that step. She then had a follow up question, "If we stopped dating, would we still be friends?" I told her the truth, that I'm not sure if I could be friends with her if we stopped dating, especially if I still cared for her as more than a friend. Arguements ensued, and I didn't give her the space she asked for. Now, on Halloween (the week we were supposed to go on vacation together), she has broke up with me. She said we argued too much, and we did, and it wasn't changing. I don't know what to think now. I had take the first step to trying to change what was wrong, but I didn't get the time to make it happen. I'm so hurt, she won't even talk with me now. She broke up with me over a text, and won't even talk with me on the phone. I realize it's over, but she won't even discuss it with me, so I can have closure. I'm so tore up right now. I told her I loved her, and all I got back was that she never said she loved me, or that she would. I'm so confused at what is going on. /end rant Thank you. Oh, I guess the worst part is that we both started martial arts classes together too several months ago. I don't want to quit them, b/c I enjoy them a lot. But I know she enjoys them a lot too and won't quit them. We are giving everything we have of the other's back Monday night, but the last thing she texted me was that we were only giving stuff back to each other, we wouldn't be talking. I don't know what to do about this either. Edited November 1, 2009 by JolliX
Author JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Thoughts from anyone? I'll take anything. Sympathy, harsh criticism, constructive views. I'd just like some sort of reply.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 When people don't give you closure, you find it on your own. Which means NC. " No Contact". Do what you have to do to heal, be it crying, throwing things, getting angry, but also know that if you give yourself time, you can learn to move on. The way that she treated you isn't fair, but then now you know you can't be friends with her either. That's fine, there are still a billion people for you to get to know. One less isn't a cause for alarm.
Author JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 What should I do about the whole martial arts class thing? I really don't want to quit b/c it's one of the few things I really enjoy, and get to meet new people at. However, I'm afraid I'll keep getting set back in regards to moving on if I see her there.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 What should I do about the whole martial arts class thing? I really don't want to quit b/c it's one of the few things I really enjoy, and get to meet new people at. However, I'm afraid I'll keep getting set back in regards to moving on if I see her there. Can you switch to a different class schedule? Some people can deal seeing their ex, but most would prefer to avoid as much as possible. See if you can change your schedule.
Author JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Unfortunately since I'm a beginner, it's that one class I have to go to. Worse comes to worse, I can always let my instructor know that I might miss a few weeks as I work on moving on.
littlebittle Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I'm sorry to hear that. Even if you have good times together, and you still have strong feelings for her, arguing constantly isn't healthy. Don't be so hard on yourself about the trust issues. It's important that you can acknowledge that you have a problem, and that you want to work on it. The fact that you're going to counseling is great, and maybe in time you and your ex will be able to resolve things. I know it feels terrible, but nc is the best way to go. It sounds like she really needs space. And even though it hurts, you need space too, because you need to work stuff out for yourself. You won't be successful in a healthy relationship if your head isn't in the right place, you know? Stick to the martial arts class if you really love doing it, and if your reasons for wanting to go have nothing to do with her. If you see her there, be polite, but keep your distance. Personally, I would stop going for awhile, because I think NC is the best bet after a breakup like this. Follow your instincts. Taking care of yourself and looking out for your own best interest is your priority at this point.
Author JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Thank you guys for the replies, they are helping me a lot. Saddly, the only person I had to bounce feelings like this off of was my ex, so needless to say, having this forum to post stuff is great.
Author JolliX Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Ok, clearing my head a little more here, so some more feedback would be great. The last arguement that me and my ex had was about why we were dating each other. She had already distanced herself some for a couple weeks, and with her having asked "could we be friends if we broke up", I went ahead and asked, if she was just dating me to keep from losing a friend. Her reply was that she didn't know, but that she would think about it because it's not fair to me if that is why she is in the relationship. When she broke up with me, like I said, it was through a text message. She said that we argue too much, and that we are no longer dating. However, she never touched upon the subject on why she was still with me. I feel like that's one of the parts I really need to work on closure. However, she has moved from, "we need to stay friends because you keep important people in your life" to "I will not reply to you tryin to contact me". What the hell is going on? Why would she not be able to answer me this simple question, why would she just go back on her wanting to be friends (granted, I'm not sure we can be friends, because I'm not sure I could do that)? Thank you.
Schat Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 My ex broke up with me through a very short email. And he wouldn't respond to my email, text or phone calls. So I also felt like I couldn't have closure and was completely confused. He got his things from my place about 5 days later and to my surprise, actually spoke to me. Although, even after that meeting, I still have so many questions and it still doesn't make sense to me. I want him back very badly, and I am going to try the NC strategy. So I haven't said a word to him since he got his things (week and a half ago) and I dont plan on saying anything for at least another couple of weeks. Maybe try backing off for a month or so (completely NC) and give her some space and time to think things through and give her a chance to miss you.
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