Heather1 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 You keep saying he's working on his marriage & building a friendship with you. Just re-read your posts...this is impossible with you in the picture!! Why can't you really be respectful of his wife for now & remove yourself from the situation?? I'm not judging, but if you ever want a relationship with this man, it's not now. It's just muddying the waters for all of you. Why don't you figure out what your future is with this situation. It's going to go back & forth forever & he'll be in limbo with both of you. You also keep saying you're stronger than the rest of us, and more moral, and able to maintain a friendship for his wife's best interest??? helping them with the marriage possibly?? Be honest with yourself, if you want to stay in contact right now, you want to stay in the A. Which is fine, whatever you want to do. Here's what I think....the Dday wasn't severe enough for you two to quit. You got caught, and you kind of got away with minimal consequences. If he really wanted to work on his marriage, the two of them would make sure you were out of the picture.
whatisgoingon Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I'm just curious. Hasnt it been said many times on this board that people still continue the affair even after the 1st d-day. many people talk of multiple d-days. like it takes several attempts to successfully end an affair. Anyone found this is the case? (not meaning my own situation. since d-day its been done) Absolutely the case, my MM and I have been in A for a yr and half, she found out we stopped for a month, then he called and me being weak and in love with him could not stay away. She has since learned that it only did stop for a brief time, confronted H again and this time we did NC for about 2 weeks, I initiated NC this time and it only took a week for him to show up at my house. They have recently split up and now it seems as though he does not want either of us, needs to find himself which I am fine with as long as he leaves me alone in the process, but the times he has stayed away from me seem to get shorter and shorter, I only hope I am strong enough this time to slam the door.
MizzBlue72 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Ok - I don't think that you can be friends with the MM after the A is over. well, in my situation I know I could not be. I have thought about a post someone wrote on here about 'what is a true friend' (sorry, can't find it) but it's something like this: 1. Can you call them and talk to them about anything? 2. Are they there for you at 2am when you need to talk? 3. When you want to pal around and just do things, are they there?? 4. Would you have befriended them prior to the affair? Some of the things listed I could talk to MM about, but I know that if I needed a friend at 2am I could not call him, since his wife would hear. He also lives in another state, so I probably would not have met him outside of the A. If I had met him, and he was single, we definitely could have been just friends - he is just the kind of person I click with. So - good luck on this. Not sure if this helps or not.
Author someonesangel Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 You keep saying he's working on his marriage & building a friendship with you. Just re-read your posts...this is impossible with you in the picture!! Why can't you really be respectful of his wife for now & remove yourself from the situation?? I'm not judging, but if you ever want a relationship with this man, it's not now. It's just muddying the waters for all of you. Why don't you figure out what your future is with this situation. It's going to go back & forth forever & he'll be in limbo with both of you. You also keep saying you're stronger than the rest of us, and more moral, and able to maintain a friendship for his wife's best interest??? helping them with the marriage possibly?? Be honest with yourself, if you want to stay in contact right now, you want to stay in the A. Which is fine, whatever you want to do. Here's what I think....the Dday wasn't severe enough for you two to quit. You got caught, and you kind of got away with minimal consequences. If he really wanted to work on his marriage, the two of them would make sure you were out of the picture. Heather, I have no problem with your opinion but please do not put woulds in my mouth I do not think I am more moral ( where did you ever get that!) nor do I say I am stronger than the rest. Please do not suggest things that I truly do not believe.
Heather1 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 you miss-read that. I meant you have the self control to remain friends, which is a little superior. Listen, I won't post on this anymore because your really justify & are defensive. I urge you to look at the big picture in this & see that a friendship is purgatory for all of you (except him-it's an open window). I've tried, it's awful.
Spark1111 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I can only speak to my own experience. At one point, she re-initiated contact with a friendly "how are you?" phone call to him. She wanted to remain friends. He told her not to call him ever again. Why? It would hurt me too much. I think that's understandable, no?
Author someonesangel Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 I can only speak to my own experience. At one point, she re-initiated contact with a friendly "how are you?" phone call to him. She wanted to remain friends. He told her not to call him ever again. Why? It would hurt me too much. I think that's understandable, no? Yes, and if he said that I would understand, we went NC by request initially. Not saying we are right, but we agreed to have LC - both of us. And this decision was only made on Thursday, we discuss what we could/couldn't do and we promised to be honest if either was finding it difficult..... it's very new, we had a 5 hour plus sit down and some physical contact that I am very much still working through.
jwi71 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Ok someone...if this isnt an A anymore, knock on his front door and have tea and crumpets with him and his W. You can't? You won't? That reason is WHY its still an A. Maybe not for YOU, but it IS for him (and certainly his W). The ONLY person you "help" is YOU (and I doubt its helpful for you). You are ACTIVELY HURTING his reconciliation. Sorry, that's no friend. Its selfish and frightened. Want to be his friend...turn your back and walk away, double bolt that door so sto speak.
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 It's still an emotional affair. JW is right, as are many others. I know you don't want to hear it, but the only way to go is NC. If you truly want what is best for HIM, you'll let him go so reconnect with his wife. I mentioned this before in my other reply to you, but he CANNOT even attempt to work things out with her as long as you and him are still in contact, even LC.
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