HeavenOrHell Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 (edited) My ex left me 3 months ago, after 18 years, he felt neglected as I became obsessed with caring for injured wild animals, he said he didn't feel loved and needed enough anymore, that the passion had almost gone, that he didnt feel important and that he felt he was on the edge of my life, not part of it, that he had felt that way for a couple of years, and it wore away his feelings for me bit by bit. He loved me still but not in love. He said he was terrified of losing me altogether after we split up. We were an incredibly close and special couple, we clicked from the start and are on the same wavelength. He left me twice 10 years ago, as we were in a rut, (before I started the animal care) he moved out for 3 or 4 months and then for a few weeks, after the 2nd time we became close again and I have never regretted taking him back, since then he often said "God why did I ever leave you, it makes me cringe to think of it now, I can't live without you." He even said that 2 or 3 months before saying to me (earlier this year) that he wasn't sure how he felt about me anymore. Before we split this time I said if you leave will it be final this time, he said yes as he cant muck me about anymore, and I said do you feel differently this time and he said yes, which I took to mean last time he left was still in love but thought he wasnt, but this time he isn't. This spring he went to Relate for therapy, after the 2nd session he came home and seemed brighter (he started becoming distant to me in April, no more hugs etc, we were a very affectionate, tactile couple) and he said to me don't worry and put his arms around me, so I felt hopeful. Then the following week was when he started withdrawing affection. He'd hinted at problems 2 years earlier as I was so involved in caring for animals (a job I did at home) and we went to relate twice and I actually said I couldnt compromise I cant believe I said that now, and I didn't actually start to change things and make more time for him until it was too late, and when he said in April he wasn't sure what he wanted I finally took him seriously and said I would do all I could to show him what he meant to me and he said he was worried it was too late, I said but does it help and he said yes it does. But it felt like a pressure to try and make it work, even though I genuinely meant it. Anyway, he did leave and it wasn't easy for him, took him many months to come to that decision. Well he said the cracks started to show 2 years ago or more, he had bad insomnia for a year as he was worried about us. I took him for granted. A few days before he made the final decision I said would you say you don't want to sleep with me anymore or that you dont fancy me anymore (this was July, we last slept together April and it was passionate and loving as ever) and he said "I wouldnt say that"". I said OMG you're going to end up wiht someone else and he said I dont want to end up with anyone else, ugh, it would be weird, I want to end up with you." I was his first and only partner. We were passionate when we slept together but the problem was I would often reject him as I was tired or stressed over the animals, for 7 months a year I would have no days/hours off at all except to sleep, I would work 6.30 am to 10pm. Had no lie ins, which he said he missed. I had no money, no holidays cos of the animals. He loves animals but he became resentful as they took me away from him (my doing, not the animals of course). He gave up sleeping in my bed as I was often too tired and would say lets sleep apart especially as I had insomnia the last couple of years, and then after a while I wanted to sleep in the same bed again more but he had insomnia then and wanted to sleep alone, we had always had a room each, we both wanted that, and it made it extra nice on the few days a week we would sleep in the same bed until the insomnia got in the way, I said we cant get closer again if we dont sleep in the same bed anymore, he said I think we can, he said that the week before we split. So I was getting mixed messages. When he left twice 10 years ago he fancied a friend of mine, but nothing happened with them, he said he left as he thought he wasn't in love with me anymore, but in hindsight he said he had been but it made it easier for him to leave if he told himself he wasn't in love with me anymore, and he fancied her cos he thought he didn't love me. He did become friends with her and her other friends-I introduced them, but they fell out and my friendship faded with her and her cliquey group too, I got back in touch with her earlier this year and then she got back in touch with him and funnily enough 3 weeks after she was back in the scene was when he said he wasn't sure how he felt about me. He has said to me he doesnt fancy her these days but I dont know what to think, he told her he used to fancy her but that he wanted to lay it to rest, I'm not sure why he felt he had to tell her that. What has made things worse for me is that her relationship with her gf is on the rocks and she wants to be with a man, I told her my fears that I felt inferior to her and that was worried her and him would end up together, I hoped that cos she was a mate she would say no it wouldnt happen, but she said that she couldn't say that it would never happen! After that she stopped seeing me and her whole clique only bother with my ex, so I feel horribly left out and upset, he knows I feel like that as years ago he felt left out by the same clique. Anyway, I have been horribly depressed since he left, he thought I would be over him 2 weeks, he actually said that just before we split. We only had one argument over all this, 2 years ago, we were still affectionate and loving until April, until he withdrew. In the end we split up as I said I couldnt cope with being in limbo anymore. We meet up once a week and he brings his washing here every week too, although I did once say could you bring it when I'm out (ie need space) and he said ok, but next day he said could he bring it even if I'm in, so I gave in, another time I said I need space and he texted next day and said could he bring his washing over. Another time I said I wasnt sure whether I could see him anymore as it's too painful and I feel hurt and he emailed and said he respects whatever decision I make, and as soon as I emailed again to say lets meet up again he texted me straight way and said when? He looks at me so fondly, a couple of time he has called me by pet name (a word which means lover), he clearly cares deeply for me. We were crap at communicating when we had problems, the sad thing is it was only the night before he left that he came up to me and said he suddenly felt really anxious about going, we finally talked and cried about it all and I said how sorry I was and everything, he wanted to hear how I felt. And I felt and feel so sad about how I neglected him and all I want to do is reach out and hug him and show him what he means to me, but hugs are out of bounds now Maybe he could never let me back in his heart, as I hurt him too much, he had an abusive childhood which probably doesnt help, he probably needs a bit extra love etc. I was too independent in some ways, my life was too busy to include him. I felt that some couples could rebuild after talking about it finally and seeing where we went wrong, and I feel hurt that why couldn't we. I didn't say that though, I didn't want to put any pressure back on. It's so nice when we meet up, we usually eat together and watch some of our fave comedies together. He said I'll always be the person he can be himself with and the person he doesn't have to bull**** with. He said if any future partners don't like us being friends that he wouldn't be with them for long. Which I doubt but nice of him to say so. We both have low self esteem because of our childhoods. I also have anxiety and social phobia which he found hard at times, but he said he was hard to live with at times too cos of his depression/grumpiness. His is a little better now thanks to therapy mostly (hopefully I had some input too). He had a lot of help on the NHS and I had very little. And I can't help thinking that he doesnt need me so much now as he's a bit stronger and also has his good friends now who are loving towards him (mostly females as he relates better to females), so why would he need me when he has them. A couple of weeks ago I said I felt so unwanted and he said "you're so not unwanted, if I could I'd like to see you every day and be on the phone to you all the time". (But I guess he doesn't as he doesn't think that is best for me). He knows I have been finding things hard, I think he is surprised as he thought I would be over him in 2 weeks. I said you seem to be getting on ok and he said he is just about managing to cook and just about holding his part time job down. He knows I am so dreading seeing him with someone else, I feel I just can't bear it. I love seeing him but I am still in love with him. I have been so torn about whether to go NC or not, last week I sent a text saying need some space, my feelings for you are so deep and I cant let go and move on, you are still the centre of my life and it's not right as we're no longer partners." He texted and said 'ok' and I got an email next day saying he understands if I need to put a bit of distance between us but he will be thinking of me and will be happy to hear from me anytime, he said he was away for a couple of days and that he wanted me to know that in case I wanted to reply and if my message needed a reply and he didn't answer same day it's cos he's away. I want him to know I miss him but without appearing desperate, and without saying "I want us to try again,"I know him seeing what he meant to me wont bring him back, and like he said before he left it matters how he feels too, ie my feelings for him wont make him change his mind. But could him seeing that I do care for him still, 3 months on, could it help him to see what we could still have, ie that he was wrong in thinking I didnt care? What I really want to know is can those in love feelings be buried deep down when someone feels hurt? Can they come back once gone? Can feeling hurt make you close your heart off? Could that be temporary? Or should I give up any hope? It's not like we're a couple or had become incompatible as such, for example our basic beliefs in things which mean a lot to us hadn't changed, we are still compatible. He said I will always be special to him, that we know each other inside out. Now and again I've sent a text saying "I cant stop crying, are you out there in the world somewhere? and he replied to it saying "no matter where I am, a bit of you is always with me". I am finding all this very hard to come to terms with, my friends agree when I say I cant see other of us finding anyone else we click with so well, maybe I'm wrong, but it's what I feel. I feel hurt that he walked away, he doesn't blame me for what happened, he said maybe he could have made more of a fuss or fought harder to save us. But I know that it's mostly down to me. Well now I feel unloved and unneeded (although he says he does need me) and whereas at first I would have taken him back instantly, now I would be hesitant as I have been through so much pain since July. Part of me longs to hug him, the other part wants to push him away so he can never hurt me again. Some of my friends think he just needs time out from the relationship, space to think properly. Some have said I haven't given him time to really miss me as I'm so available to him. I feel like we're on level ground now, we both feel/felt unloved and unneeded. I wish we could build up from it. I feel hurt because I feel I'm not worth being with anymore. The irony is he felt neglected etc but it now seems in reality it was actually me who needed and loved him more than he did me. I feel totally empty and lost, how do I accept he's not coming back? My life has fallen apart, I can't get on with anything much at the moment as I have lost the love of my life, he sees now he WAS the most important thing in my life. I cant imagine either of us being as close with anyone else, so it's a bit weird if one of us has a partner and yet we share more with each other still, can you be closer to a friend that your partner?! I would not be ready to be with anyone else for a long time, to be honest I know I am going to have deep feelings for my ex for a long time, I feel I am somehow going to have to force myself to deny those feelings, even though they are the most natural feelings in the world to me, I have to let go of the one thing I want most in the world. To think of being with someone else just repulses me, it feels wrong, and I know that no-one will come close to what I feel for him. How does anyone know for sure that there's no going back? I mean even divorced couples sometimes get back together. It feels like torture, I/we finally got to the bottom of all the problems and talked about it but I'm not given a 2nd chance, he can see I made changes, but then he cant help it if he doesn't feel the same. Sorry this is so long! Any thoughts much appreciated Edited November 1, 2009 by HeavenOrHell
westrock Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Here's your issue: he felt neglected as I became obsessed with caring for injured wild animals, he said he didn't feel loved and needed enough anymore, that the passion had almost gone, that he didnt feel important and that he felt he was on the edge of my life, not part of it, the problem was I would often reject him as I was tired or stressed over the animals, for 7 months a year I would have no days/hours off at all except to sleep, I would work 6.30 am to 10pm. I was too independent in some ways, my life was too busy to include him. It's nice that you want to care for injured animals, but at what cost? It destroyed your relationship. You are probably keeping yourself so busy with the animals as a way of avoiding dealing with the problems in your relationship. If there is any chance of reconciliaton, you will need to scale back on your involvment with the animals. Your relationship has to be your first priority, not the animals. What changes have you made since he left? I have been so torn about whether to go NC or not, last week I sent a text saying need some space, my feelings for you are so deep and I cant let go and move on, you are still the centre of my life and it's not right as we're no longer partners." Do you want to reconcile? If so, NC is not the way to go here. You've neglected him all these years, so the only thing NC will do is make him feel even more neglected. You need to do the opposite. Next time he comes over to do laundry, make sure you are there, and sit down and have a long discussion with him and explain to him exactly what you are going to do to make things different -- and it has to start with you reducing your hours with the animals and spending more quality time with him. Communication is the key if you are hoping to reconcile.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Many thanks for your reply, sorry my message was SO long When he hinted a couple of years ago that he was finding the time and energy on the animal care a problem, I started to make changes, BUT at first I said I couldn't compromise I am so ashamed of that now and he knows that. I made some changes, but not enough, I did not take him seriously enough, assumed we'd be ok. When it got to spring this year and he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore and said it was because of the neglect, I finally took him totally seriously, I stopped taking animals in and devoted my time to him/us, but he said it was too late. Since he left I've still not taking any new animals in as I feel too depressed and I never want to make the mistake of becoming obsessed with animal care again, I wish I had kept it all in balance an d never let it get out of hand, apparently it is common with people who care for animals to lose their partners as you become SO passionate about your work that it leaves little left over for anyone else, I neglected my friends too. He has made it clear since he left in July that he wants to remain friends and that he still needs me, he looks at me in such a fond way still. We have been meeting up most weeks and enjoying our time together. BUT I can't handle the lack of hugs etc now and I feel I want to run away in case he starts seeing someone else soon, I don't want to be there to see that. I want to reconcile, at first I would have taken him back instantly, but now I feel scared and hurt, but I wish we could talk more about things and see if there was away back bit by bit, I would not want to rush things or live together again for a long time. I havent said I want him back as I don't want to put pressure on, but I have made it clear that if I go NC is is because I care and not because I don't, the text I sent last week about needing space made it clear that it was cos I still have feelings for him and that he is the centre of my life still and that it's not right as we're not partners anymore, I said I need to let go therefore. He knows I dread him meeting someone else, I have got across to him how much this has affected me and how much I love/d him, and after we split I sent a very loving letter to him which touched him. He can see that I am not slipping back into old ways with the animals again, I know I would not do that as I have learnt from it the hard way, and I also made myself ill from overworking so that is another reason I would not do all that again. I SO want to see him still, but it makes me want him as a partner still And at the moment it doesn't seem there is much hope of that happening, so it's like being continuously crushed. If I sat him down now and said about the animals etc I feel he would think "oh no, she wants me back and I'm going to disappoint her," so it doesn't feel right at the moment, maybe it never will. I suppose I hope that NC would help move me on a bit )if there's no hope for us) and maybe it would give him proper time to think about things and maybe miss me, I am doubtful though I don't know if his in love feelings are dead forever or not. Here's your issue: It's nice that you want to care for injured animals, but at what cost? It destroyed your relationship. You are probably keeping yourself so busy with the animals as a way of avoiding dealing with the problems in your relationship. If there is any chance of reconciliaton, you will need to scale back on your involvment with the animals. Your relationship has to be your first priority, not the animals. What changes have you made since he left? Do you want to reconcile? If so, NC is not the way to go here. You've neglected him all these years, so the only thing NC will do is make him feel even more neglected. You need to do the opposite. Next time he comes over to do laundry, make sure you are there, and sit down and have a long discussion with him and explain to him exactly what you are going to do to make things different -- and it has to start with you reducing your hours with the animals and spending more quality time with him. Communication is the key if you are hoping to reconcile.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Wow, I'm so embarrassed that I read all this at work! Well, it's a light work load today. hehe. That's the trouble with having a computer based job.... I can't do computer work for hours straight! Ok enough of that.... Hi, HoH - What I understand from your situation is that your ex-partner was in and out a lot from what you had. Was he in love with you or not? Could you take him seriously or not? It just sounds like you had doubts about his love for you, and he had doubts about your love for him.... THAT sounds like the grounds of all the insecurity that led to the break up. Perhaps his abusive childhood requires that extra love, that solid proof, proof he felt he wasn't getting because of all the animal care you were giving instead. It does sound that way, it sounds as if he needs a lot of attention, or care, or proof. He needs to KNOW, to really feel, that he isn't being abused again. You mention that you feel that you are not worth being with anymore. How long does THAT thought go back? And why? What's behind that thought is what you should consider. So, yes, it seems you were giving too much time to the animals. And, yes, he sounds wishy-washy in his love for you, in his commitment to YOU. And there seems to be the problems. But you knew that. The thing is that now you see your situation or the problems more clearly, now that you are completely out of that circumstance. I hope you do see it all in a new light, I hope you see what happened more clearly, see what went wrong. It could me these problems mentioned, it could be others, it could be all of them.... But what you see now is a clearer picture, I hope. And with this new perspective on things, it will be easier to understand, easier to find solutions, easier to correct or to find what will bring happiness back into (or into) your life. That's the important thing, to begin to do what needs to get done. Discuss, resolve, repair, correct, move on... forgive, forget.... Whatever is the solution for YOU. Please forgive any reckless thoughts, but I did want to share what I understood from your post.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 Hi, thanks so much for reading and replying! I wouldn't say he was in and out A LOT as such, left me twice in 18 years and then left me for good (I assume) in July, but we were solid and both very much in love, he said he was in love with me even when he left me those 2 times 8 or 9 years ago but at the time he thought he wasn't, we were in a rut at the time (not caused by me as it was before I started to get really busy). I just feel stunned still as even this year before he said there were problems he was saying he couldn't believe he'd ever left me and that we'd never split up again and that he couldn't live without me, so I felt very secure. I never doubted his love for me, but he must have doubted my love for him for at least the last 2 years, although were still very close and loving. We were an exceptionally close and loving couple, I always thought of us as special, he did too. It's just weird cos now he's gone we are still close, so it's like our relationship always was but without any touching now! He said I'll always be the person he can be himself with, and in the unlikely event of him meeting someone else (his words) if they couldn't cope with our friendship then he wouldn't be with them for long. He said yesterday it will take him a long time before he even knows if he wants to be with someone new. Yes the doubts about my love for him is what led him to leave, it took him a long time to come to that decision, and a year of insomnia. He became resentful of the animals as it seemed like I loved them more than him I think his childhood does come into and he said he does want to feel loved and needed, it's very important to him, it is to me too. And now I just want to have the chance to show him again what he means to me and give him all the love I used to give him, but it's too late now We both have low self esteem, all our lives, but I did used to feel I could be a good partner, we were both very loving towards each other and were happy for a very long time, and we helped each other feel good about ourselves, I mean ALL good relationships do that don't they otherwise why would we bother with relationships! Although obviously you can't look to your partner for all your self esteem. I had no affection in my childhood, so I think that is why I have low self esteem, I have tried numerous times to get help on the NHS but to no avail, although I am seeing them again next week so maybe I will get help this time. Now he's left I am down on myself as I can't help thinking well if he's left me after loving me for so long then maybe I'm not loveable after all I feel very worthless, but it is me doing that to myself and not him, he has been very sensitive and loving about all this. I can totally see what the problems were and I've known that since April and have tried to rectify them before he left but he said he was worried it was too late, and since he left I haven't mentioned wanting to try again, it would be like I havent taken his leaving seriously and we would feel pressured again like we did from April when I was trying to make it work. We both had to get out of the situation, and yes I have seen things clearly and know what we needed to do. I want to retry afresh, it's like we're on level ground now cos I've been thru hell since july and I would be scared about trying again as I feel hurt now. Anyway, he's not giving us the option to retry and rebuild anyway. I feel if I say can we try again it will push him away Thanks again Wow, I'm so embarrassed that I read all this at work! Well, it's a light work load today. hehe. That's the trouble with having a computer based job.... I can't do computer work for hours straight! Ok enough of that.... Hi, HoH - What I understand from your situation is that your ex-partner was in and out a lot from what you had. Was he in love with you or not? Could you take him seriously or not? It just sounds like you had doubts about his love for you, and he had doubts about your love for him.... THAT sounds like the grounds of all the insecurity that led to the break up. Perhaps his abusive childhood requires that extra love, that solid proof, proof he felt he wasn't getting because of all the animal care you were giving instead. It does sound that way, it sounds as if he needs a lot of attention, or care, or proof. He needs to KNOW, to really feel, that he isn't being abused again. You mention that you feel that you are not worth being with anymore. How long does THAT thought go back? And why? What's behind that thought is what you should consider. So, yes, it seems you were giving too much time to the animals. And, yes, he sounds wishy-washy in his love for you, in his commitment to YOU. And there seems to be the problems. But you knew that. The thing is that now you see your situation or the problems more clearly, now that you are completely out of that circumstance. I hope you do see it all in a new light, I hope you see what happened more clearly, see what went wrong. It could me these problems mentioned, it could be others, it could be all of them.... But what you see now is a clearer picture, I hope. And with this new perspective on things, it will be easier to understand, easier to find solutions, easier to correct or to find what will bring happiness back into (or into) your life. That's the important thing, to begin to do what needs to get done. Discuss, resolve, repair, correct, move on... forgive, forget.... Whatever is the solution for YOU. Please forgive any reckless thoughts, but I did want to share what I understood from your post. Wow, I'm so embarrassed that I read all this at work! Well, it's a light work load today. hehe. That's the trouble with having a computer based job.... I can't do computer work for hours straight! Ok enough of that.... Hi, HoH - What I understand from your situation is that your ex-partner was in and out a lot from what you had. Was he in love with you or not? Could you take him seriously or not? It just sounds like you had doubts about his love for you, and he had doubts about your love for him.... THAT sounds like the grounds of all the insecurity that led to the break up. Perhaps his abusive childhood requires that extra love, that solid proof, proof he felt he wasn't getting because of all the animal care you were giving instead. It does sound that way, it sounds as if he needs a lot of attention, or care, or proof. He needs to KNOW, to really feel, that he isn't being abused again. You mention that you feel that you are not worth being with anymore. How long does THAT thought go back? And why? What's behind that thought is what you should consider. So, yes, it seems you were giving too much time to the animals. And, yes, he sounds wishy-washy in his love for you, in his commitment to YOU. And there seems to be the problems. But you knew that. The thing is that now you see your situation or the problems more clearly, now that you are completely out of that circumstance. I hope you do see it all in a new light, I hope you see what happened more clearly, see what went wrong. It could me these problems mentioned, it could be others, it could be all of them.... But what you see now is a clearer picture, I hope. And with this new perspective on things, it will be easier to understand, easier to find solutions, easier to correct or to find what will bring happiness back into (or into) your life. That's the important thing, to begin to do what needs to get done. Discuss, resolve, repair, correct, move on... forgive, forget.... Whatever is the solution for YOU. Please forgive any reckless thoughts, but I did want to share what I understood from your post.
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