Will he really leave?

[QueenEmi]

This is odd, and my first post. I have read many stories and was hoping you could help. I think my story sounds a lot like other stories.

 

I have been seeing a married man for over a year.

I know that this is wrong, and I wanted to break this off many times. I thought it was just sex, but it's not.

I fell in love with him.

When I tried to break it off for the last time, he told me he loves me, can not live without me, and wants to be with me.

He is leaving his wife (he said not for me) because he is miserable.

He has to sell his house or buy her out and he doesn't have the money to buy her out. He doesn't think it will sell since the economy is so bad.

 

He has asked me to be patient, and I have, but I worry.

I worry about so many things. Will he really ever leave? Is this a ploy to keep me and his wife?

 

I'm really confused and need some advice. Luckily I don't see him every day but we talk every day.

[hopesndreams]

Yes, it is possible, highly unlikely, but...it has been known to happen. My H left me for a MOW. Course, I did help him do it. Told him, who is it going to be? Me or her? He couldn't choose, so I made the choice for him.

 

Have you thought about letting his W know?

[jennie-jennie]

Queen, there is no way of knowing. You will just have to decide if you are willing to stay with him regardless of the result. If the pros outweigh the cons. If the journey is worthwhile by itself regardless of the destination.

[doe111]

Welcome QueenEmi, this forum is the best you will get love and support and the truth here and sometimes that sucks LOL

 

ok i might not be the person to reply to this one but here go"s

 

 

If i heard "thank you baby for being so patient" I heard it a thousand times.

 

I was told the economy is bad and I cant afford to pay rent until the house is sold I was also told that W does not want to move just hang in there, I was told "i love my wife but I am not in love with her" I was told to "look for schools in my state baby for your child" I was told "it will be soon baby just hang in there"

 

well I did all of those things and this was a person I have loved my entire life and he was my first love and we met up on line 2 years ago tonight and until Mid August of this year we were going to be together, then out of nowhere he sent an email and shut me down completley "sorry love I am not really 100 percent committed" yada yada yada and on and on and then zero, i have not heard one word from this man that told me over and over to "be Patient"

 

sorry to sound so down about it but i have done a ton of research since my split from MM and I am appauled and I only wished I had read half of it first (ok not that it would have made one bit of a differance because I loved being in that relationship i too loved the way he made me feel deep inside)

 

as i said i am sorry if i am coming across a bit harsh in my words love but I really do not want you or anyone else to feel this pain that I feel every day when i get up, I am starting to think it might never go away so please Queenemi please gaurd your heart close

 

we are all here for you

 

Doe111

[bentnotbroken]

Same ole crap. Can't leave for financial reasons. I believe is your life is so miserable that your are willing to stoop to the level of cheating, it should be bad enough for you to walk away and find happiness. He is full of crap and if you wait around waiting for that crap to come to fruition, then whatever he dishes you are willing to believe.

[fooled once]

This is odd, and my first post. I have read many stories and was hoping you could help. I think my story sounds a lot like other stories.

 

I have been seeing a married man for over a year.

I know that this is wrong, and I wanted to break this off many times. I thought it was just sex, but it's not.

I fell in love with him.

When I tried to break it off for the last time, he told me he loves me, can not live without me, and wants to be with me.

He is leaving his wife (he said not for me) because he is miserable.

He has to sell his house or buy her out and he doesn't have the money to buy her out. He doesn't think it will sell since the economy is so bad.

 

He has asked me to be patient, and I have, but I worry.

I worry about so many things. Will he really ever leave? Is this a ploy to keep me and his wife?

 

I'm really confused and need some advice. Luckily I don't see him every day but we talk every day.

 

Why should he leave his wife? He has everything he wants - her and you.

 

If he was miserable, he would have left already.

 

Houses ARE selling in this economy, not for the prices they were 4 years ago, but they are selling.

 

He wants you to be patient mean he wants to keep having an affair with you. He is giving you excuses as to why he is staying with his wife.

 

If you really want to see where his heart is - give him an ultimateum - her or you. See what he says. And a timeline. Because he can just continue this whole "I can't afford to buy her out and the house won't sell line" for several years.

 

IF he truly wants a divorce, he will tell his wife NOW that he wants a divorce, move out, file for divorce.

[Confused4Now]

I was a MM and I left..however your man had to been thinking or planning on leaving before he met you. I for many years was thinking of leaving my W until I met my MW. She was the one that really got the ball rollin....however my MW never left her marriage like I did.

 

So there is a lot of things that go into the mind of a man....family, kids, home and finances. So I have to admit I was cake eating just like she was for 2 years....till I realized guilt and love made me move forward. I knew when I started this journey I would be all alone and that was fine with me. Affairs are very painful to everyone involved. I'm so more at peace that i didn't have to lie to my EX now.

 

My MW is in the process finally of getting her papers together to file....next month it will be a total of 4 years since we met each other. So you have to decide whether or not you want to invest that much time into the whole thing. Looking back at it all.....I would have gone NC the day I walked out of my marriage. Good luck....I feel for you.

[outofthedark]

My MM did leave his wife, we did end up together. But if you have read any of my posts, you will see it is not so cut and dry if he is already having problems walking out the door. When my guy left, he left everything...everything! If they want to be gone, they will go. He left with 1 garbage bag full of clothes, 5k, and took the old beater car. He left her with all the savings, the house, the brand new car and everything in the house. 14 months later he is still paying all her expenses as if he was still there. My point is that if he wants to walk he will, but if he is doubting it.. dont push an ultimatum unless you are willing to follow through with it. He may leave initially but regret it, resent you and go back.

Many posters here say, make him choose, make him choose...I have been there and making him choose is not so easy. Also forcing his hand while he still is with her may backfire on you. You should never tell a man to leave his wife, he has got to do that on his own. You shouldn't even suggest it!!! I never asked, suggested or played into my MM leaving his wife and I still live with his regrets for him doing it the way he did. (he was delusional, thought they could remain friends)

Every situation is different, all I can tell you is I feel for you, I have been there and I know how confusing, lonely and sad it is to "wait and wonder". Some guys do really leave their wives, some dont. Each one is different.

[MrsOhNo]

Time will tell. How much time are you willing to give him?

[Spoiled]

Wow, I keep reading over and over how these MM are telling the OW to give him time and wait for him and the time drags and drags. I am so glad my xMM and I(xMOW) never made those statements to each other. We both understood each side, therefore, were apologizing after d-day for our total confused minds. Neither of us wanted to end the A but neither of us ever expected the other to hold on forever. I just think it's very selfish of someone to ask you to wait. I wish my xMM would have said that to me, it would have been much easier for me to let him go.

[D-Lish]

Yes, it is possible, highly unlikely, but...it has been known to happen. My H left me for a MOW. Course, I did help him do it. Told him, who is it going to be? Me or her? He couldn't choose, so I made the choice for him.

 

Have you thought about letting his W know?

 

Holy Crap Hopes- that is a huge pint you are going at in your avie!!

 

I agree- it's always possible, but often it's unlikely.

 

My H left because he had no choice~ His mistress called me to tell me she was pregnant and I ended things with him. He begged to stay, he didn't want to end things. I believe to this day that if my ex's OW hadn't have called me to alert me that I would still be with him. My ex would have juggled me, his mistress and his/her child if he had not been caught.

 

Same ole crap. Can't leave for financial reasons. I believe is your life is so miserable that your are willing to stoop to the level of cheating, it should be bad enough for you to walk away and find happiness. He is full of crap and if you wait around waiting for that crap to come to fruition, then whatever he dishes you are willing to believe.

 

I often wonder what my ex said to the mistress prior to her getting pregnant and me kicking him out. Was I evil, un-supportive, vindictive, did I have a powerful family that could potentially squish him? Our convo was brief. She stole my H's cell- found my cell#, and called me to tell me that they had been sleeping together and she was 6 months pregnant.

I loved him like crazy but there was no looking back for me- a baby? On top of an infidelity?

 

Sometimes it's just a roll in the hay for these guys, sometimes it's more meaningful. Sometimes circumstance dictates a drastic change.

 

The bottom line is that when I left my ex for cheating- he married his expecting OW- they currently have 3 children. He still professes his love to me, often and regularly and it's been 8 years. I am quite sure he has new OW. I say new to mean plural.

 

I am going with Bent, and advise you that he is full of crap.

 

He's not good enough for you.

[tami-chan]

My xOM/MM did leave his wife. Of course like confused4now said, he has been wanting to leave before he met me. He asked me to marry him and divorced his wife despite the fact I told him I was not ready to make that commitment to him or ever will be-and that's because I was not THE reason why he was leaving. So I think if a MM's marriage is truly unbearable he will leave whether there's an OW involved or not-that's of course assuming he is not a doormat.

[OWoman]

He has asked me to be patient, and I have, but I worry.

I worry about so many things. Will he really ever leave? Is this a ploy to keep me and his wife?

 

I'm really confused and need some advice. Luckily I don't see him every day but we talk every day.

 

QE, on the face of it, this may be many things.

 

1) He may be in planning mode - he intends to leave, but needs to get his ducks in a row in order to do so, because he wants to manage the exit.

 

2) He may be in stalling mode - he isn't yet ready to make a hard decision, but figures that with a little more time he'll know what he wants and how to get it - and then he'll act on it, tell everyone and it will all fall into place.

 

3) He may be in playing mode - he has things just fine as it is, but knows you want more, so is doing what it takes to keep you hanging on.

 

There are risks and down-sides to each of these.

 

The guy in scenario 3 is a player, who will happily tell you anything he thinks you want to hear to get what he wants. You run the risk of believing him because you want what he's promising - even though he has no intetion of delivering. You hang on. Years later you're still posting here, having become a little jaded but having settled for so long that you no longer feel you have the right to demand more, or the expectation that you'd get it elsewhere if you left.

 

The guy in scenario 2 is confused, torn between what he has and what he wants; what he may lose and what he may gain; who he will hurt more by acting one way vs another... He's stuck in analysis paralysis and keeps hoping that things will clarify themselves to him with a little more time, a little more information, a little more patience... And so you give him that. Years on, you're still posting here, seeking the definitive argument to present to him that will convince him to leave, still having those conversations where you set it all out logically for him, to help him to choose, seeing it all so clearly yourself and not understanding why he's just not getting it - meanwhile, there's lots you're not getting. What you want, for a start.

 

The guy in scenario 1 is likely to be a conflict avoider. He wants a managed exit so he can minimise pain and not have to face up to the consequences of his leaving one woman for another - whichever woman it is he leaves. He's hoping that by planning it all down to the final details, everything will go according to plan, and he can walk neatly out of one life and into another. And, because his plans sound convincing, you support him. Thing is, everything seldom works out exactly according to his plan - or anybody's, for that matter. When you plan to that level of detail, you omit the possibilities of people not acting the way you predict, or of chance throwing a spanner in the works. And so, when the plan starts to fall apart, more planning ensues, and because you're being kept in the loop, you know exactly where you stand and what the situation is, and so you're willing to wait for that hiccup to get straightened out, and you're still posting on here, still hopeful, still waiting for it all to work out.

 

While for the guy in scenario 1 things might work out the way he plans, and you might get your result sooner rather than later, chances are that it won't be the smooth sail he's hoping for, and there will be consequences he has to deal with and fall-out he has to face that he hasn't planned on. It might work out - but it might not, or not fully the way you expect or want.

 

You have to decide what you're willing to put up with. Even the scenario 1 guy comes with risks. Are they risks you're happy to take, for a pay-off you think is worth it? That's your call.

 

Some people advocate setting a deadline - either for yourself, or for him - by which time you want to see action. This is only worthwhile if you're actually prepared to stick to it, and not compromise it away whe the inevitable problems creep in as to why it couldn't be met. Otherwise it's just yet another compromise for you.

 

Rather, I'd advise deciding where you would like to be in, say, six months time, and working towards that - for yourself. If he's sorted himself out by then and is able to be part of your picture, good for him - but if not, at least you're closer to your own goals and getting on with your life, not tied down to someone who is willing to be a victim to their own circumstances instead of taking charge of their own life.

[DiDi123]

OWoman,

I felt as though you what you just wrote applies to me too! Gosh you are SO right.

I am sitting here reading that again and again. You should write a book or something.

 

QE, I am really finding that we as OW's have to figure out what exactly we can put up with. Some OW's can hang on forever and others are out of the A within months.

It's finding that time that I am struggling with. I think Owoman's advice is very sound- at least for me- with the 6 month mark in mind.

[White Flower]

That was a very good post OWoman. That post works for just about everyone, by the way.

[QueenEmi]

Thanks for the replies. I am just so confused.

I am hoping that he is in the planning mode and not playing around. He is the type that will pan everything out to the last detail.

 

I would be willing to wait. No,I don't think I am a doormat, and I love him.

 

I know that they have talked divorce but neither has filed.

I still wonder why he hasn't filed already? If he is that miserable, I wish he would just file already.

 

Thanks for the posts. I am still worried, and not sure what to do. I need to decide whether I should stay and wait or if I should move on.

 

I don't think he is selfish. I think he is a guy who found himself in a hard place and has to make a harder decision. At one time he was going to leave me because he could not give me what I wanted. For him to be with me only. Now he says that I am what he wants.

 

It hurts, and the more I read on hear the more confused I become.

[scatterd]

OW you have very good isight on this subject.:bunny:

[candoit]

some times they leave , you just have to watch out for the signs that he is lying .... also dont nag him about leaving her , just have fun with him and make him fall in love with you

[MizzBlue72]

some times they leave , you just have to watch out for the signs that he is lying .... also dont nag him about leaving her , just have fun with him and make him fall in love with you

 

 

Candoit: I don't agree with this post - partially.

It would be easy if you could 'just have fun' in an A, but from my experience, and what I have read on here, I'm not sure that is always possible when feelings are involved.

 

And the 'make him fall in love with you'? I don't think you can make anyone do that.

 

I do agree on the not nagging though...

[torranceshipman]

If he really wanted to leave, then he would. He could tell his W it was over, move out and rent somewhere-tomorrow....what's stopping him? Either he is a cake eater or he is too scared to act-neither of which are good for you. You should walk because of either of those two scenarios.

 

If he truly is at the point where he knows his M is over, to the point where he is sleeping with another woman and telling her that he loves her, but still wants to park his ass in his family home, and leave his new 'love' home alone and waiting around for him, then he is a pretty selfish guy. Even if he loves you, his inaction is completely out of order.

 

You need to show him that this is not good enough, and that you are not a doormat. His actions will inform you of what to do next - leave him for good if he doesn't take any action upon losing you, or plan a future with him if he does. Either way, it is a waste for you to put your life on hold forever for this guy-you only have one life and time is really precious.

[fooled once]

Again, WHY are you waiting?

 

WHY? Because he asked you to? Because you don't think you will find anyone else? Because he is such a great catch?

 

I am not diminishing your feelings for him, but I stand by the statement I make over and over --- if these men REALLY REALLY had such unhappy marriages, they would NOT BE MARRIED.

 

It isn't that hard, no matter what anyone says.

 

I divorced my ex and I had a young child. I barely made enough to keep food on the table but I would rather STRUGGLE alone than be married to someone who I don't love, who doesn't make me happy and who I didn't want to be with.

 

I could have stayed married - financially it would have been MUCH easier for me. But I didn't want to be married to him any more. I didn't have someone on the side - I just didn't want to live a lie, I didn't want to live with someone I wasn't in love with or loved anymore.

 

But go ahead and stay -- and wait for him. Wait and wait and wait. He will come up with more and more excuses and more and more ways to stall things.

 

Eventually, you will finally decide that you want a man of your OWN. You will want a man who doesn't go home to a wife each night. You will want someone to make you his #1 priority.

 

He may very well love you/care for you -- but is it enough for you? Is it enough for you to share him with another woman? And for how long? How much longer do you think he needs to figure out if he really wants to be with you? How much longer are you willing to put your life on hold while he and his wife go about their normal, married routine?

[White Flower]

Again, WHY are you waiting?

 

WHY? Because he asked you to? Because you don't think you will find anyone else? Because he is such a great catch?

 

I am not diminishing your feelings for him, but I stand by the statement I make over and over --- if these men REALLY REALLY had such unhappy marriages, they would NOT BE MARRIED.

 

It isn't that hard, no matter what anyone says.

 

I divorced my ex and I had a young child. I barely made enough to keep food on the table but I would rather STRUGGLE alone than be married to someone who I don't love, who doesn't make me happy and who I didn't want to be with.

 

I could have stayed married - financially it would have been MUCH easier for me. But I didn't want to be married to him any more. I didn't have someone on the side - I just didn't want to live a lie, I didn't want to live with someone I wasn't in love with or loved anymore.

 

But go ahead and stay -- and wait for him. Wait and wait and wait. He will come up with more and more excuses and more and more ways to stall things.

 

Eventually, you will finally decide that you want a man of your OWN. You will want a man who doesn't go home to a wife each night. You will want someone to make you his #1 priority.

 

He may very well love you/care for you -- but is it enough for you? Is it enough for you to share him with another woman? And for how long? How much longer do you think he needs to figure out if he really wants to be with you? How much longer are you willing to put your life on hold while he and his wife go about their normal, married routine?

While he will make reasons for staying, it isn't because he is happy in the marriage; it is usually because he feels responsible for his W's future without his help and his dutiful promise.

 

Women tend to live more honestly than men and end the marriage (promise) while men tend to keep the promise even if it means living dishonestly.

[Adunaphel]

I know that they have talked divorce but neither has filed.

What do you know about these conversations between him and his W?

What did they say exactly? How did she react?

Does she know about you?

As far as you know, are they still sleeping together?

 

I guess that in situations such as yours, one just either trusts or does not trust what MM says. But a year is a long time - time to see some proof (possibly, tangible) that he is at least doing something.

[sadintexas]

Some men leave, some don't. I would also be bothered by the fact that he hasn't filed for divorce. Financial aspects get worked out during a divorce most of the time, and a divorce can be granted without the marital estate being settled.

 

In this economy, with the way real estate is, his house would most likely appraise lower, making her portion lower, his expenses lower in buying her out. That's only going to go up from here. Probably better than the salary increase he can expect over the next couple of years. So if he can't afford it now, what's going to change to make it easier for him to afford later?

 

By the way, the rental market is pretty good right now since there have been so many foreclosures and it's hard for a lot of people to qualify for mortgages. So an option would be to lease the house out with a target date, or target appraisal value to sell, and each get their own residences in the meantime.

 

Where there's a will, there's a way. Perhaps ask him some of these questions and see if you're satisfied with his answers. Are they thoughtful and rational answers or those of someone who simply isn't ready to walk away?