JaggedRoad Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 (edited) I'm so tired of having these thoughts about how she should have been more understanding, less hasty, less rash, and et cetera. I'm not really sure how long I've been NC as I have stopped taking count, but it's about 1-2 weeks. I really want to talk to her again and tell her how pissed off I really am and actually have her accept my disappointment. I can't get over how "nice" I was when I received the break-up email. I was being so pathetic and lost so much control of myself. Nice became sad, sad became confused, confused became angry, and angry became suicidal. If there is a time machine, I'd go back to the exact time the email was sent and start NC from that point on. I don't have any desire to prevent the break-up after realizing her behavior pattern. She runs every f'ing time and goes about it in a very immature way. This is the third time she broke up with me, and each break-up was a result of her insecurities. I'm extremely pissed off at myself for condoning her behavior for so long. Do you guys want to know why she broke up with me the second time? It's funny really. It was getting close to her last year in high school, so she thought it might have been best to stop using the internet, and I supported her decision. She got upset at me for supporting her decision because it meant we would have less communication even though I told her I'd call her at least once a week. She proposed the idea of sending each other letters through the old-fashioned mail system so we can see what's going on in each other's lives. I accepted it as usual. The night of her decision came and we had our "last" phone call. She backed out of her decision at the last minute, and I told her that it was okay. The next day, she ignored my messages and this went on for about a month. I called her from time to time when she let me, but she constantly made it clear that she hated me. I just took it and let it be for an entire month. It affected me quite a bit. Tears dripped down my face during class and--seeing as there was no one I could talk to--I wrote a little piece and presented it to my speech class. What comes to mind when you see me? Other than ugly, that’s something I already know. Do I seem like a happy person? Is there anything that would suggest that I was hurting inside? Doesn’t really matter to you does it? I’m more than likely to not have any kind of friendships with any of you and that’s fine. But I want to know myself, do I look like a happy person? If yes, why? If no, why? I’m sorry if you’re all confused about what I’m doing. This was suppose to be a speech, but I’m turning it into some kind of questionnaire. Don’t ask why or what made me do this. If I appear to be a happy person to you or had, then you have been deceived. This façade, this ugly mask with a happy face is just to prevent you from knowing what really lies underneath. Inside, I’m a mess, more than I am outside. Emotionally confused and broken. My heart has been shattered, but mended numerous times. This time however, this time, I don’t think it can be mended at all. It’s like a piece of pottery that has been broken and super-glued. The glue holds the pieces together, but there are visible cracks which become more apparent and broken apart each time the pottery is broken and repaired. Eventually, the pieces will become too many and glue will be of no use. Any attempts to glue the pieces back will be useless. The result will be a deformed piece of **** that has too many cracks and glue marks. The pottery is useless when not a complete whole and will have to be thrown out. That’s what my heart is, that piece of pottery that has been broken back and forth and can no longer be repaired. It was greeted with unanticipated open arms. Nonetheless, the pain continued and it became unbearable. One night, I called her and told her how fed up I was with her behavior. We both cried, and she told me that perhaps we can cross paths in the future. I told her no and we said our goodbyes. A couple days went by and I was trying to take a nap on my bed when I received an email from her. I called her and she made it seem like nothing at all happened. Being the idiot I am, I just went along with it and felt somewhat relieved that she changed her mind. She did apologize to me and told me, "I took you for granted. I thought I could you keep you with me forever as a friend. But when I told you to go away, I realized that I really needed you. I had tears coming down my face the entire time I was at school and at home. Everyone asked me what happened, but I couldn't tell them. There was no one I could talk to and you were the only one. I knew I made a mistake."So it pretty much came down to the fact that I was the only one she could turn to. I think she stayed with me throughout these years because I had a lot going for my future and I had an interesting life. She had to put uni on hold due to residency and financial issues, so I was her window to the outside world. I mingled with professors, attended fancy dinner parties with attorneys, had interesting friends, and worked for a very eccentric lawyer. And let's not forget how romantic I was. Now that she met new people and finally has the opportunity to attend university, she doesn't see me as someone of value. Now, she sees me as a confused and lost undergraduate who's on his second semester leave from school due to disillusionment. In other words, I'm just unnecessary baggage that's only going to hold her back. Awesome =) Don't get me wrong, I'm not a saint or even close to being a outstanding person. I have my flaws and imperfections, but I should have done better. Edited October 31, 2009 by JaggedRoad
Soul Bear Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Nice piece bro. Keep writing, it's good for you
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