Alpha Female Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Yes: Ive been having an affair with a MM. For about 4 months now. Things lately have gotten really intense and MM started talking about making plans to seriously leave his W so we could be together. The plan was for him to move in with me. But at the same time that he decided to leave her he also has become more distant with me. He tells me that she has grown incredibly suspicious of him lately and has caught him in lies about his whereabouts. He says she is now checking his cell phone. Over the past few weeks he has reached out to me a few times and told me not to call or text as she would be around. Like being put on lock down. We see each other for shorter durations as he always needs to rush home to her, so she wont become even more suspicious. He tells me he is doing this to protect me from her finding out about us. I think hes just selfishly trying to protect himself. After putting up with this for weeks, with his move out date two weeks from now, he tells me continually to be patient, that just a bit longer until he can take care of a business situation that will happen soon (I am involved in it, so this is actually a legitimate concern and event), and then we wil be together. I however, have lost patience. I feel like he is feeding me lines and isnt so much worried about the business deal completing before he leaves her, but that he is stringing me along while pacifying her and her suspicions. So yesterday I told him we should hold off on the plan of living together and that I will still help him with the business deal but Im not sure about continuing to stay involved. He asked two separate times yesterday to see me so we could talk, and I told him no. There was a time when he would spend hours with me and rearrange everything so we could be together. He would reply to my texts freely. Now its like all he cares about is her not finding out, so we dont see each other often, and he replies to texts many many hours later, if at all. Am I right in feeling hes jerking me along? Or, is it possible that he really is trying to get out unscathed, complete the business deal, and then leave without her finding out about me? This hurts. 4PM today and I havent heard from him at all. I feel like hes given up trying.
torranceshipman Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 You sounds very sensible! Yes, he is jerking you around. He loved the early days of romance and physical intimacy, and made up the 'leave the W and move in with you' lie to keep stringing you along...then he lost interest after he'd won his prize (of having a fun time with you) and now he's making all manner of lame excuses to avoid you. What a liar, and well done to you, for seeing through it! I'd drop this guy on his ass professionaly AND personally if I were you..!
Author Alpha Female Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 Thank you Torrance! He gives me the lines about how tortured he is when we're apart. How he's not sleeping not eating. Even how he calls out my name in his sleep! ha ha I kind of felt all along in the back of my mind that he wouldn't actually leave her. I think I was pushing him to make a decision to see how he'd react. I think you could be very right. He enjoyed the beginning, but now its too messy. He tells me constantly how he loves me, how he is only happy when we're together. Oh, you know the lines. I thought about dropping him on the business thing. Part of me feels like he used me for how I could help him and now that its almost complete, its time to let me go. But do you think there is even the remotest chance hes telling the truth? That he is trying to keep her pacified until he walks out? Just seems like he had no problem foresaking us in the process. Like I was supposed to hang onto his dream of leaving on my own while he spent no time with me.
2sunny Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 he's absent and delayed in his actions because he is trying to work on his home life without you knowing. you are not the priority. if his wife became suspicious, he realized that he had a lot to lose and became willing to spend his time and energy making her less suspicious - hoping that you'd go along with his plan. you have, you backed off, you wait for the response for hours, you wait to see IF he will have a few spare minutes to "see" you... meanwhile - he is with her making sure that things are fine and dandy with the wife at home. does this sound like a man who plans to leave her? i think the answer is no. are you willing to admit that his actions tell you more than his words; that his home life is the priority and you should disappear from his life - no matter what sweet words he wants to throw your way every so often to keep you hanging around..?
Author Alpha Female Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 he's absent and delayed in his actions because he is trying to work on his home life without you knowing. you are not the priority. if his wife became suspicious, he realized that he had a lot to lose and became willing to spend his time and energy making her less suspicious - hoping that you'd go along with his plan. you have, you backed off, you wait for the response for hours, you wait to see IF he will have a few spare minutes to "see" you... meanwhile - he is with her making sure that things are fine and dandy with the wife at home. does this sound like a man who plans to leave her? i think the answer is no. are you willing to admit that his actions tell you more than his words; that his home life is the priority and you should disappear from his life - no matter what sweet words he wants to throw your way every so often to keep you hanging around..? Wow. This is almost verbatim what I wanted to tell him. That he made her feelings a priority over mine. That he made his marriage a priority over our relationship. That there is a huge disconnect between what he says and what he does. So what do I do now? Just ignore him? Or text him and ask him when he plans on paying me some money he owes me?
2sunny Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 tell him to bring the money over today or you tell his wife immediately (and follow through). when he brings it, tell him never to contact you again. then you can start living again... until you do this - he will take up your energy that you need every day to be happy. move on, his marriage is his top priority... i'm willing to bet you'll only get the money if he believes you will tell her... so make it a firm command when you deliver the message to him.
Author Alpha Female Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 tell him to bring the money over today or you tell his wife immediately (and follow through). when he brings it, tell him never to contact you again. then you can start living again... until you do this - he will take up your energy that you need every day to be happy. move on, his marriage is his top priority... i'm willing to bet you'll only get the money if he believes you will tell her... so make it a firm command when you deliver the message to him. You must be living my life! He just texted back and asked if he could bring me the money. I told him yes. Will report back. Im sure hes going to give me more lies.
2sunny Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 You must be living my life! He just texted back and asked if he could bring me the money. I told him yes. Will report back. Im sure hes going to give me more lies. after he gives you the cash (yes, CASH) tell him no more contact. no explanation - no listening to more of his lies! after he processes the new situation - expect him to try to reel you back in, don't do it! be strong! i am proud of your strength and courage!
MizzBlue72 Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Well, it does sound like he is feeding you lines. I think a lot of us OW are in the same boat - or at least feel that way. We have no clue what they are really doing or saying at home. You are smart not having him live with you. I think you need to keep your own place even IF he is leaving his wife. It seems funny that he would WANT to leave his wife, without telling her about you, but he plans on moving in with you. OK - how will he explain that one?? I wonder too about this - MM I am seeing is making sure wife does not know because he does not want to hurt her. I understand to a point, and he says he is leaving - to be patient. Patience is really hard to come by these days though.
Author Alpha Female Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 OK, I did it. He came over, brought me the cash. Then we got into it. And I said everything that's been on my mind for weeks. That since he decided to be with me, he's been entirely absent. About how he shifted from making me and our relationship a priority, to making his W and their marriage a priority. How he had numerous forks in the road lately, one taking him to us, and one back home, and he always took the one back home. I told him how a relationship is like a living thing, and if you neglect it, it dies. And that's what happened to us. He killed us. He countered with saying that he was trying to keep her pacified in the short-term so that he could make a clean break, and how he thought we were still on target to be together in a week. He said that he felt once we were living together, everything would be fine. I told him that he may never be honest with me, but maybe he can be honest with himself, and acknowledge that he really never wanted to leave his W, as if he did, he would have by now, or, he wouldn't have let us suffer at the end. He still maintained that all he wanted was me, and a life with me, and was ready to do that. I told him that if he really wanted us to be together, he would have done everything in his power to make that happen. He would have marched down to the court house to file divorce papers without me prodding him, and he would have pursued this business deal harder rather than have me remind him over and over to contact the guy. He really couldn't argue it. So, that's that. I feel oddly relieved, though I know by tomorrow I am going to be very sad and missing him. But for now, I feel like I did the right thing as I stood up for myself. Sunny - he could try and reel me in, and probably could only if I saw that he filed for divorce on his own and cinched up this business deal on his own. If he did these things, then I would think he heard me today and would see these things as ways to bring us back together. If he doesnt, then I have my answer.
2sunny Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 you actually sped up the process of finding the truth in his situation by pressuring him to move in. he realized that you had too many demands for the situation that he intended to create and backed off because he couldn't deliver on your requests. he figured he could have you - and keep you happy and QUIET with no demands - until you changed the rules... that is when he backed off. good work!
Author Alpha Female Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 Well, it does sound like he is feeding you lines. I think a lot of us OW are in the same boat - or at least feel that way. We have no clue what they are really doing or saying at home. You are smart not having him live with you. I think you need to keep your own place even IF he is leaving his wife. It seems funny that he would WANT to leave his wife, without telling her about you, but he plans on moving in with you. OK - how will he explain that one?? I wonder too about this - MM I am seeing is making sure wife does not know because he does not want to hurt her. I understand to a point, and he says he is leaving - to be patient. Patience is really hard to come by these days though. Well my MM had an affair before me that lasted about a year. EA with one incident of PA. She worked with him. Someone at work suspected them of having an affair (she's also married) and called my MM's wife. She then went and confronted the woman at their work! He talked his way out of it, and the MOW denied it. I told my MM that if his W ever confronted me, I could not say how it would end, though I know it wouldnt be pleasant. I told him I lived in a very nice community and would not tolerate her disrupting my life. So, I think he felt it best to never let her know about me for a few reasons - one, to lessen her hurt, and two - to keep me from going ape shyt on her if she came to my home. I think he was thinking once he moved in with me, no one would know where he was, as he didnt plan on telling anyone. Yes - he kept telling me to be patient. Whatever! I told him that while he was putting his energy towards making sure she wasnt suspicious, that while I was supposed to be patient while he was ignoring me, it all fell apart. I did tell him that it ended exactly as he wanted it to. He just doesnt realize this yet.
Author Alpha Female Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 you actually sped up the process of finding the truth in his situation by pressuring him to move in. he realized that you had too many demands for the situation that he intended to create and backed off because he couldn't deliver on your requests. he figured he could have you - and keep you happy and QUIET with no demands - until you changed the rules... that is when he backed off. good work! Yes! I told him this, too! I swear - its like you were here. ha ha I told him the affair was nice while I didnt want anything, but that once I wanted more, he really wasnt going to be able to deliver on it, so thats why he was backing off. What was really telling, was when we had the talk today, he never once said he would do anything to keep me. Never begged for a chance, none of it. He just accepted it, argued he still planned on moving in, and that was that. I reminded him of a time when he would have moved the moon and stars to be with me. And now? Now that we were weeks from being together, he was gone. And did he expect me to just keep quiet while he nurtured his marriage, and not our relationship?
jj33 Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 HE thought noone would know where he was? Where do you live on the moon? Or were you going to take the money from the deal and run off to the Brazilian rain forests where noone could find you? hes dreaming. Much as you will miss him, he will miss you too. Either he will come forward with divorce papers or you will be history. Good for you and for getting your money back!
GreenEyedLady Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 You know, I don't think the original post is all that odd or necessarily pointing that he isn't serious. The process of starting separate finances, finding a place to live etc takes awhile unless you don't own anything. Most people don't just walk out with nothing planned unless they don't care about losing everything. Some people want to make it out of the D with good credit and some assets. It takes time to get a house ready to rent out to others or sell. For both to open separate bank accounts, determine debts, and find a place to lease or rent or possibly buy. The first thing a lawyer usually says is do not leave the house or it looks like abandonment. And it can hurt your settlement. It is REALLY BETTER FOR YOU IF THE W DOESN'T FIND OUT ABOUT YOU. It complicates things. She can decide that she doesn't want to go out without a fight and he's in a "fog" etc. She can also turn into a nutcase and tell your parents, your friends, your co-workers etc and become a different kind of bunny boiler. Not good with all the other stress you're under. Now I have to say this, my now-H came to me mid-Jan when they were splitting up. And he had gotten his own account, she had consulted with an attorney, they had started divvying up furniture and decided what to do with the house. He had come to take me on a motorcycle ride and at the end of the day we were sitting in Starbucks and he told me that "she" had said she needed him around to get the house ready and he shouldn't be thinking about any overnight trips anywhere. (She didn't know about me, but she suspected he was with someone else.) I almost blew my top. I swear that fire was blowing out my ears. He could tell I was raging and asked if I wanted to cool it until he had moved out which would have been about 6 more weeks. I took a deep breath and I almost said yes. Then I just thought about how he'd followed through with everything and that I should just wait it out and see what he did. But then I asked him why she was running the show now that they were separating and he didn't care what she said before. Needless to say, he was living with me within two weeks. And we married after the D was final. The divorce itself only took 6 months. But the getting to the separating took 5 months. So you need to know your man. Divorce is a big decision and it takes time. If you think he's jerking your chain, look at his actions. Does he do what he says or is he a flake? From the OP it sounds like he might be trying to play it smart FOR BOTH OF YOU. For the later posts, it sounds weird. What is the deal with the money? It sounds like you're playing a game here. If you love him, I don't see why you'd be doing that. GEL
2sunny Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 GEL- he's been MIA since he said he would move in. he's also asked her not to call and simply responds to her calls, texts (if at all) hours later. he hasn't been present or active in his time with her at all. now, when confronted - he never defended his position or even tried to get her to stay with him - he just meekly retreated when called out on the truth. i think he didn't think she would notice so quickly that he simply wasn't participating. these are not actions of a man interested in moving things forward with her... these are actions of a man working on repairing his marriage. good job alpha! stand firm on the fact that you deserve the best everyday.
fooled once Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 After only 4 months, you were expecting him to give up his life and marriage? And he is a serial cheater? You dodged a HUGE bullet. He likes to play with many women, besides his wife. Knowing he is a serial cheater, how in the world would you expect him to be faithful? In addition, how much of him did you really know after only 4 months? Be glad it is over -- find someone else who can make you a priority, like a single guy I know you will hurt, but be glad you found out now that he really isn't that serious about you.
Author Alpha Female Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 You know, I don't think the original post is all that odd or necessarily pointing that he isn't serious. No, and in fairness to him, he's not the brightest man out there (though he does have a gentle heart). I don't think he thinks things out quite well enough. Or, perhaps he felt more secure in our love. Not sure. The process of starting separate finances, finding a place to live etc takes awhile unless you don't own anything. Most people don't just walk out with nothing planned unless they don't care about losing everything. Some people want to make it out of the D with good credit and some assets. It takes time to get a house ready to rent out to others or sell. For both to open separate bank accounts, determine debts, and find a place to lease or rent or possibly buy. The first thing a lawyer usually says is do not leave the house or it looks like abandonment. And it can hurt your settlement. They own a house together, and all he wanted was to get some business equipment out of the house first (this was where I felt he was stalling to make the business deal complete and finalize this part), and then his plan was to leave her the house and everything in it, and just take his truck which he owns, and his clothing. They have absolutely no investments. This would leave her with the better end of the deal, as she would end up being sole owner of the home, which has a decent amount of equity, and a very small mortgage (less than 1k per month). She has always earned more than him, so it's not like him leaving was going to cause a financial hardship to her. He just wanted to be out. It is REALLY BETTER FOR YOU IF THE W DOESN'T FIND OUT ABOUT YOU. It complicates things. She can decide that she doesn't want to go out without a fight and he's in a "fog" etc. She can also turn into a nutcase and tell your parents, your friends, your co-workers etc and become a different kind of bunny boiler. Not good with all the other stress you're under. I completely agree, and I do believe that he was trying to protect me, to a degree. She had already confronted his former OW, so who knows what she would do the next time around. I told him if she ever showed up at my house, I really couldn't be held responsible for what would happen, as I am a very private person, and if she went nutty in my neighborhood, I wouldn't react well. I do think he was trying to minimize the fallout all the way around. Now I have to say this, my now-H came to me mid-Jan when they were splitting up. And he had gotten his own account, she had consulted with an attorney, they had started divvying up furniture and decided what to do with the house. He had come to take me on a motorcycle ride and at the end of the day we were sitting in Starbucks and he told me that "she" had said she needed him around to get the house ready and he shouldn't be thinking about any overnight trips anywhere. (She didn't know about me, but she suspected he was with someone else.) I almost blew my top. I swear that fire was blowing out my ears. He could tell I was raging and asked if I wanted to cool it until he had moved out which would have been about 6 more weeks. I took a deep breath and I almost said yes. Then I just thought about how he'd followed through with everything and that I should just wait it out and see what he did. But then I asked him why she was running the show now that they were separating and he didn't care what she said before. Needless to say, he was living with me within two weeks. And we married after the D was final. The divorce itself only took 6 months. But the getting to the separating took 5 months. So you need to know your man. Divorce is a big decision and it takes time. If you think he's jerking your chain, look at his actions. Does he do what he says or is he a flake? Great story! And Im glad it had a happy ending for you. I kind of told my MM the same thing today. That if he really loved me, and really planned on us being together, then he would have worked towards that goal, and he wouldn't have continued hurting me by locking me out the last few weeks. I do believe he loves me intensely. Truly. I can see it in his eyes. But there was a big disconnect between his words and his actions lately, and this is what concerned me. I wouldn't say he flakes, but he definitely procrastinates. I felt like he was no longer making me/us a priority, despite him telling me today that he was still working towards the goal we had. From the OP it sounds like he might be trying to play it smart FOR BOTH OF YOU. For the later posts, it sounds weird. What is the deal with the money? It sounds like you're playing a game here. If you love him, I don't see why you'd be doing that. GEL I didn't really care about the money. It was just a way to engage him, as hes been so distant lately. I figured it would be a way to get a chance to talk, even though he did try twice yesterday to connect with me.
Author Alpha Female Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 GEL- he's been MIA since he said he would move in. he's also asked her not to call and simply responds to her calls, texts (if at all) hours later. he hasn't been present or active in his time with her at all. now, when confronted - he never defended his position or even tried to get her to stay with him - he just meekly retreated when called out on the truth. i think he didn't think she would notice so quickly that he simply wasn't participating. these are not actions of a man interested in moving things forward with her... these are actions of a man working on repairing his marriage. good job alpha! stand firm on the fact that you deserve the best everyday. Well, he hasnt been entirely MIA. Just that I used to see him more often, and for longer times. Yes, hes not very responsive with texting, but I suspect thats because when he goes home, he now shuts his phone off so shes not being suspicious. Meekly retreated is his personality, unfortunately. Hes very gentle, and more passive, and is not the type to fight for things in his life. He sometimes gets that negative self-fulfilling prophecy going, so Im sure having me leave him supports his low self-image and reinforces he doesnt deserve to be happy. I dont know how much hes repairing his marriage, honestly. I do think hes not happy with her, and that the marriage has simply run its course. I do think hes prone to inertia, and is probably relieved on some level that now he doesnt have to do anything painful, besides living with a woman who doesnt make him happy. I do deserve the best! And for months he gave me that. Pity he let it slip away so easily.
Author Alpha Female Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 After only 4 months, you were expecting him to give up his life and marriage? And he is a serial cheater? You dodged a HUGE bullet. He likes to play with many women, besides his wife. Knowing he is a serial cheater, how in the world would you expect him to be faithful? In addition, how much of him did you really know after only 4 months? Be glad it is over -- find someone else who can make you a priority, like a single guy I know you will hurt, but be glad you found out now that he really isn't that serious about you. ha ha - well, I think hes been serially cheating because hes been looking for an exit affair that would stick. Im not sure hed ever be strong enough to leave without having something to leave to, and some people are just like that.
Author Alpha Female Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 HE thought noone would know where he was? Where do you live on the moon? Or were you going to take the money from the deal and run off to the Brazilian rain forests where noone could find you? hes dreaming. Much as you will miss him, he will miss you too. Either he will come forward with divorce papers or you will be history. Good for you and for getting your money back! I think he was planning to tell her and family that he moved in with a buddy, and was going to leave it at that. Could you have a nice life in the Brazilian rain forest? Yes, you're right, and thats how I feel. I didnt tell him today that either he files and moves out or we're history for good. I didnt give him any kind of ultimatum like that. So, will be interesting to see if he leaves her because he really wants to 1) be without her or 2) try and be with me. He'll miss me more, honestly. We broke up a few months ago for a week and he was a raging mess. Yes I got the cash!
Author Alpha Female Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 ok the anger is kicking in today. I cant get over how non-communicative he has become in the manner of just a few days. In a way Im surprised he made the time to see me yesterday at all. I know we officially ended it yesterday, well I did at least, but I keep thinking how he did a 180 in a few days. In the past when we would fight and "break up" he would show up at my door or call or text asking to see me so we could talk. This time its like he really doesnt even care and thats what hurts the most. He kept telling me yesterday that he still planned on moving in on the same timeline we had agreed upon. That he felt everything would be fine once he moved in, and that he was keeping his distance so that he could make a "clean break" from his W. Im just really disappointed and hurt. I sent him a text yesterday after he left about a loose end on the business thing - asking what he wanted to do about it as Id prefer to sever all ties with him and want to wrap this up. Never got an answer. Thats what its been like lately. I reach out and I get no response. Annoying and dismissive. ok Ill stop ranting. Just feeling it today I guess.
Author Alpha Female Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 I keep rereading his texts. The ones telling me how much he loves me, how Im the only one he wants, how well be together soon and I need to be patient only a little while longer. I know I should delete them but I cant quite yet. Its the only thing that makes me think this wasnt an entire illusion.
fooled once Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 You heart hurting is enough to remember what he did. Delete the texts, for your sanity. It only hurts more to read the texts. Back in the day of my Affair, way before texting and cell phones, LOL, I had printed out the emails he sent me prior to me ending it - where he declared his love, how he wanted a life with me, just to give him more time. The emails were from August through May.... and this was after we had been together a year He kept telling me "two more weeks", until after the holidays, until after Valentines Day, until after the final 4 play offs, blah blah blah I highlighted it, read it, sat and cried a river of tears for believing him. ((hug)) How are you doing today?
Author Alpha Female Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 You heart hurting is enough to remember what he did. Delete the texts, for your sanity. It only hurts more to read the texts. Back in the day of my Affair, way before texting and cell phones, LOL, I had printed out the emails he sent me prior to me ending it - where he declared his love, how he wanted a life with me, just to give him more time. The emails were from August through May.... and this was after we had been together a year He kept telling me "two more weeks", until after the holidays, until after Valentines Day, until after the final 4 play offs, blah blah blah I highlighted it, read it, sat and cried a river of tears for believing him. ((hug)) How are you doing today? Yes, I know I need to delete them. And probably will by WED. Somehow doing so makes the ending seem so final. I have another thread about our text conversation tonight. It explains more of where Im at. Thanks for checking in. Means a lot when you feel so isolated. Thanks for sharing your story as well.
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