Jolene Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Hey everybody!!! Happy Holloween. Why does my boyfriend of 6 months overreact to things that are not that big of a deal and then gives me the silent treatment for a day or two? He left me high and dry last night after a tiff we had after supper, and I haven't heard from him since. We've never had a REAL fight, over a serious issue. I wonder what he would do about something serious in our relationship? Seems easily hurt? Or is it control??? Any feedback would be insightful. I am scratching my head here. Not sure why he does this or what it means in the longrun....I have an 11 year old child, so when a man walks out on me he walks out on my son too. On Halloween. Is this emotional blackmail or abuse or is it just normal coping with anger??? Cooling off.
PandorasBox Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Silent treatments are destructive forces in abusive relationships. Silence is a silent form of anger that says you do not exist. Abusers use this as a form of punishment. Its basically a control tactic. They use a silent treatment to punish you, whether you deserve it or not. They shut down and shut you out and leave you wondering what you did wrong and whats going on. If you notice this type of thing happening, that should be a redflag for you.
Ronni_W Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Happy Halloween to you! Why does my boyfriend of 6 months overreact to things that are not that big of a deal and then gives me the silent treatment for a day or two? Yes, it does sound as if he is using silence as a means to "punish" you for what he perceives to be your "wrongdoing" or "misdeed". The bolded bit. It really is only accurate to say that those things are not that big of a deal TO YOU. Even if he is the only person on the entire planet who is bothered...it still, obviously, is a big deal TO HIM. And it doesn't matter if it's a big deal to him because of childhood trauma, immaturity, control issues, or whatever. If you wanted to, you could open a conversation around, "It's fine for you to get pissed off at whatever pisses you off...but it's NOT fine to make me responsible for your feelings/reactions...and it is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE to me for you to use silence to try to "punish" me or to "train" me. Now. Do you want to work together on us developing more effective communication, conflict resolution and anger/stress management skills?" You can bet your last dollar that he does not have the skills to deal with a "serious issue" any better than he can deal with the smaller ones -- if he did, he'd be showing evidence of that, by now. For your son, the other side is: Do you want your son to learn how to treat women from this particular guy?
Author Jolene Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 well, Halloween came and went. I had a great time with my son. My boyfriend still has not called. He missed out on our special time. I don't understand, we were all looking forward to it and all it took to blow everything up was a gesture on my part to excuse myself from a heated situation and stay in my room for awhile. I figure this guy is emotionally irresponsible to try to assist in "parenting" my child and then skip out on both of us over Halloween for something that could have been resolved by communicating. I sent him an email, he has not responded. He has a lot of belongings here, so should I get ready to compile them and tell him he's gone way too far???? First it's ruining Halloween, then it will be Christmas and birthdays. I don't understand why, but I think you guys are right.....the punishing behaviour is not generated by love or respect. If there was respect and love, we'd be able to work this out. When someone treats you like you don't exist for more than 24 hours, is it the point of no return in the relationship? I don't like being treated this way.
freestyle Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Here's a thread with some insight that mat help you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t202407/ The silent treatment is crappy and abusive, and it can kill relationships. Yet, based on your OP, I'm inclined to play devil's advocate to a certain extent.The same thing that Ronni W pointed out, actually. You said "your bf overreacts to things that are no big deal..." That is an example of you invalidating his feelings. Phrases like: 1. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. 2.I don't see why you're so upset......... 3.You're overreacting. 4.Get over it. Statements like that send a message to a person that you find their feelings to be insignificant, or based on faulty reasoning. (invalid) Statements like that are dismissive.Trivializing. Marginalizing. Statements like that imply that a person doesn't have "a right" to feel what they feel. It's kinda like saying, "yeah, well what do you know, anyways.." Statements like that can leave a person feeling unheard. Misunderstood.Rejected. Invisible...................................................and when people are repeatedly invalidated, they begin to "close themselves off". They no longer feel safe expressing their feelings. which is how the silent treatment is making you feel. Invisible.Misunderstood.Unheard.And it sucks................ I hope you don't view this as me attacking you, that's not my intention at all. I'm trying to play the objective, neutral, third party observer, and I only have the info from your OP to go by. What I'm seeing is that there is a need for better communication on both sides.................. Even if you don't understand, or agree with whatever your bf was feeling, it's not fair to tell him, "it's no big deal". He has every right to feel what he feels, just as you have every right to feel what you feel. My advice to you is to read up on the silent treatment, and invalidation. They are both "love-busters". They are both forms of emotional abuse. In your most recent post, you said you shut yourself in your room to excuse yourself from a heated situation. You were also giving him the silent treatment, in a way. I don't see anything wrong with walking away to cool off for a while, but did you make that clear to him when you did it? Did you let him know you were just taking a time out, and you would return to the discussion later? If you didn't make that clear, and instead just shut the door on him, he was probably left wondering, "WTF? Now what???". Did you leave him in the dark that evening? Do you see how this may be a tit-for -tat situation? (nobody wins) I wish you the best in whatever you decide....................
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Was the 'heated situation' you excused yourself from regarding 'him assisting in the parenting of your child'? If so, congratulations, you had a 'serious issue' IMO, this is a great time to learn the concept of acceptance as well as working on communication skills. If I had had the benefit of MC at the six-month mark of dating, our M likely would've turned out vastly different. Words to the wise. None of us, not even yourself, is perfect. Lastly, during this quiet period, reflect upon the balance of your relationship and let him contact you. At that point, I would ask to meet face to face and communicate. If he doesn't contact you, that's your answer. Permanent silence
Author Jolene Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 I see what you are saying totally. I would never trivialize this man as I just love him all up. But I know that this was a small tiff we had at the dinner table because he was raising his voice and berating my son (called him "ass") because my son did not clear the table exactly the way my bf wanted him to. I interjected. Then it got heated, so I left the room thinking it was the best thing to do. Now, a normal man would have given it twenty minutes or so and come upstairs and talked about it. Based on what I am seeing from his behaviour, he will NOT fight for this relationship now or ever. He is content to punish me and leave me in the lurch, and that includes my son. You would think he could have called by now. He went fishing this morning and put the pictures on his facebook. If anybody is being trivialized, it is me. I told him that what is important to him is important to me but that he has some work to do in the over-reacting department because it is true. This punishment definitely outweighs the crime, if any crime has been committed at all. So, I still want to know if this is salvageable or do I just get his things in a pile and put them in the garage. He'll pick them up eventually. And if he hasn't called by now, don't you think this is over anyway???? Two days of silent treatment equals enough anguish to make me call it quits for fear he will not just break my heart but I also have a son who is involved. Thanks for your link....I will enjoy that
freestyle Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Hey here's another link:http://www.eqi.org/invalid.htm#The Invalidating Couple None of us here can tell you whether or not your R is salvagable or not.... That's entirely up to you................... I'm not a parent, but I personally view calling your son an ass to be a pretty bad red flag. Not cool at all. That was completely uncalled for. Please let us know how thing turn out..............
carhill Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I'm not a parent, but I personally view calling your son an ass to be a pretty bad red flag. Not cool at all. That was completely uncalled for.Agreed. OP, just so I'm clear on the verbiage, did he literally call your son an ass or did he say something like 'stop acting like an ass'? The verbiage and tone would color my flag differently, though I'd still be in the red range. This of course assumes that you and he agreed prior that he could 'co-parent' your 11 yo son. That's also critical. OP, you said you sent him a subsequent e-mail. What did it contain?
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