Failed at NC

[lovekillsslowly]

I've been trying to do NC.

 

My affair with MM lasted for 10 months. I'm also married.

 

The affair ended 11 months ago and we have tried to remain friends for the past 11 months by still talking on the phone to each other and still

e-mailing jokes to each other.

 

I won't go into all the details but let's just say that it was working really well for him but not for me. So 10 days ago we began NC. I changed my cell number....deleted my e-mail account...and the only way he could contact me was to call the company I work for.

 

Well I had a weak moment yesterday morning and broke down and called him on my way to work. The phone call only lasted 3 minutes but afterwards I felt pathetic, ashamed, weak, stupid and like a complete and utter failure.

 

I couldn't even make it 9 days without contacting him. I'm sure his ego was flying high!!! And mine was just crushed all over again.

 

Don't get me wrong he was very nice to me on the phone...he was glad I called...yadda, yadda, yadda. But I really let myself down by making that call and I felt literally sick to my stomach afterwards for being so weak.

 

I was talking to my sister about it and she made me feel much better by saying "don't look at it as you only made it 9 days. Look at it as "Wow I made it 9 days! I've never gone that long before!"

 

That type of positive thinking got me to take it one step farther.

 

I am now looking at it as I'm traveling down a long road to better and brighter things....and on the 9th day of the road trip I hit a bump in the road, my car broke down and I had a slight detour...but once I took care of the repairs needed on the car I was able to continue down the road.

 

I feel like what was really bringing me down yesterday after calling him was the constant, nagging thought that kept replaying through my head over and over saying "Just great...I made it 9 days and now I have to start all over again. Now I have to go back to square one."

 

When the fact is "No, I don't." I can continue on with day 10 and not have another detour.

 

I am hoping maybe this different way of looking at things when one fails at NC will help some of you to continue down your road of NC without feeling like such a helpless, pathetic failure when you hit a bump in the road.

 

Peace and support to all of you!

[NowhereToHide]

LoveKills.... yes, I have a very familiar story to yours.

 

My xAP have never gone more than a week without an email. I went to a lot of trouble to delete my "secret" email account, I unfriended him on Facebook... he still emailed me on my old account.

 

I am feeling better. His emails still bother me (very "friend" like yours), but not as horrible as they used to.

 

He just emailed me yesterday. I was reeling for about 2 hours and then I was fine.

 

Keep going on your journey. You have a great mindset about it. I, too, hope to follow in your footsteps.

[lovekillsslowly]

Thanks for replying NowhereToHide and for the words of encouragement. I really appreciate it!

 

Do you have a post that I can go to and read the similarities between my situation and yours?

 

It always helps to know that somebody else has experienced everything that you have and has survived and moved on with their life.

[NowhereToHide]

Thanks for replying NowhereToHide and for the words of encouragement. I really appreciate it!

 

Do you have a post that I can go to and read the similarities between my situation and yours?

 

It always helps to know that somebody else has experienced everything that you have and has survived and moved on with their life.

 

 

If you click on my name, you can read my past posts....

 

My A wasn't as long as yours -- 3 months -- but I'm married and my xAP is married. It was a whirlwind of emotions. I believed I was in love with him... I probably was, but I now know he isn't the man he pretended to be (so I was really in love with the fantasy of him).

 

We have been trying the "friend" thing since May. It has been filled with misunderstandings, hurt, anger, disappointments.. you name it. He always said he was happy being friends, but was very sensitive to much of what I said. And I was never okay with the friend thing.... it was too hard.

 

I told him very early on that I would never leave my family for him. I think now there came a time when this really sank in for him and he felt he needed to go back to his family. It broke my heart and I had a really difficult time with letting him go.

 

It DOES get better. I do believe what everyone says... that going NC really is the best way to get over the hurt and all of the feelings. I just haven't been able to accomplish it which I regret -- I think I've definitely gone the harder route maintaining limited contact. If you can learn anything from my story, stick to NC. You will get over this much faster.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[jj33]

I must second Nowhere' s post. Limited contact sucks sucks sucks.

 

Being able to sever ties is the best way to get over someone. It takes time but the turmoil does fade and you feel better.

 

the idea that you can be friends immediately after something has ended is fantasy and a way of holding on. take if from one who has been there.

[Heather1]

don't beat yourself up, you're making an effort. I lasted a week one time, then 2 the next, then10 days another, then 12. This isn't overnight. It's been now over a month and I'd add up the hours every day & stayed BUSY, BUSY, BUSY. I was actually out of town for most of it. On my first attempt I was stuck in bed with a bad back. It gets easier and you build on how you made it through. I knew I was going to be gone, and that made the beginning part a lot easier...didn't even think about it really. I wouldn't plan NC when you have nothing on your schedule.

[lovekillsslowly]

If you can learn anything from my story, stick to NC. You will get over this much faster.

 

I sure hope you're right. I really need to move on. I have waited 11 months for him to want "us" again....for us to have more than just friendship between us. Nothing has changed. He is perfectly content to just talk on the phone and be friends. I'm not.

 

It's very hard to continue to hold out hope day in and day out that this time he will say what you want to hear and he doesn't.

 

It's time for me to get over him and move on...and hopefully NC will be able to obtain that for me.

 

Thanks for all the advice!

[lovekillsslowly]

Thanks for the encouragement Heather1.

 

I am so grateful for the job I have. It keeps me busy and helps to occupy my time so I am not constantly sitting around feeling the urge to call him.

 

I don't know how people who don't have a job outside of the home get through something like this!

 

Too much time on one's hands causes us to take actions that we later regret!

[MizFit]

You never fail till you quit trying...if you are striving for NC then you will get there. From what everyone says it can take a good many tries...keep the faith and never stop reaching for what you think will help you.

[Heather1]

Think of it this way about you breaking the NC, he's in control. If he breaks it, that's a different story. So if you initiate NC again, wait it out & if he contacts you again, change the terms of your relationship. If he doesn't, then you'll have enough time under your belt to finally move on. It's actually win/win.

[lovekillsslowly]

Thanks for replying jj33!

 

You are so right about the description of LC. The only person it works well for is the one who wanted to end the A but still wanted to be friends and that wasn't me.

 

When you are doing LC and still trying to "be friends" everytime you talk to him on the phone you keep hoping that he will say those words that you want to hear. That he will ask you to give him another chance. That he made a mistake when he ended it. But of course that doesn't happen.

 

And then they make comments that get your hopes up and when you finally get up the courage to ask them about those comments they act like they don't remember saying it or they reinforce to you that all they want is a friendship and it feels like a knife has been stabbed through your heart all over again.

 

The only good thing that came out of LC is that now I know. I know that LC doesn't work for me. It worked really well for him. He got the best of both worlds. He got to go home to his " happy family life" still intact night after night and yet he got to continue to talk to me daily on the phone and keep me hanging on just in case he decided that working on his marriage wasn't the right decision.

 

If I never would of done LC I would always wonder if things would of worked out differently between us if I hadn't just cut all ties. But it didn't. All it did was keep my hopes and dreams going for another 11 months of my life with nothing changing.

 

Oh well....it's onward and upward from here on out!

[lovekillsslowly]

Thanks Heather! That's a great way of looking at things!

 

And isn't it sad that in these type of relationships that in the end it all comes down to the challenge of who gets to be in control.

 

It really sucks to constantly have to be thinking "well if I do this than he will be in control and we can't have that so instead I need to do this so that I can be in control."

 

Ya know when the whole relationship / affair is going good well it's really great. You each think of the others needs first....you compromise....you take turns.....and both of you are really happy.

 

But when it starts to go downhill due to whatever reason, than it all becomes a mind game of who must do what to be in control so that they can get the results that they want for themselves to be happy and to be able to live with. And what the other person needs / wants for themselves to be happy seems to take a backseat when in the beginning it was so important to put their needs / wants ahead of your own.

 

What a screwed up mess!!!!

[lovekillsslowly]

Thank you so much MizFit! Your words of wisdom and encouragement mean a lot to me.

 

It's this type of support that I know will help me to get through all this!

[lkjh]

Have you told your husband? If not, you shouldnt be married, marriage is about your family as a whole not you was an individual. You need to be honest, otherwise you are cheating him out of his life

[ladydesigner]

Have you told your husband? If not, you shouldnt be married, marriage is about your family as a whole not you was an individual. You need to be honest, otherwise you are cheating him out of his life

You do not have to tell your husband. If you feel you must to get over the guilt that is one thing, but I do not believe this to be true for everyone's situation.

 

I never told my husband and never will. I have no guilt and it wouldn't help our marriage if I did tell. BTW I am a BS too so I know what it feels like from the other side as well.

 

Lovekillsslowly your post resonates with me as I was an MOW whose OM ended the affair. It hurts and cuts deeper than anything I have ever felt in my life. Like you my XOM wanted to remain friends with me. Like you he also said things to me that went beyond a frienship that kept me in that "hoping" mode. I did the friendship thing with him for almost a year and half and I still had feelings for him, I knew I couldn't continue down that path. I knew I couldn't continue to be friends. I went NC 2 months ago and it really was the best thing I could have done for myself. He did break NC so prepare yourself for that. It still hurts now and then but nothing like when we were in "friend" mode and I would be waiting days for his email response.

 

NC=No pain, well sometimes a little pain but hopefully will lead to no pain. You will regain your power back and your integrity. You will feel good about yourself.

 

Guess what my XOM had the last contact and I will not relinquish that power to him again...EVER!!!

 

Take care of yourself (((Hugs))) and go NC you can do it!!!

[NowhereToHide]

You do not have to tell your husband. If you feel you must to get over the guilt that is one thing, but I do not believe this to be true for everyone's situation.

 

I never told my husband and never will. I have no guilt and it wouldn't help our marriage if I did tell. BTW I am a BS too so I know what it feels like from the other side as well.

 

Lovekillsslowly your post resonates with me as I was an MOW whose OM ended the affair. It hurts and cuts deeper than anything I have ever felt in my life. Like you my XOM wanted to remain friends with me. Like you he also said things to me that went beyond a frienship that kept me in that "hoping" mode. I did the friendship thing with him for almost a year and half and I still had feelings for him, I knew I couldn't continue down that path. I knew I couldn't continue to be friends. I went NC 2 months ago and it really was the best thing I could have done for myself. He did break NC so prepare yourself for that. It still hurts now and then but nothing like when we were in "friend" mode and I would be waiting days for his email response.

 

NC=No pain, well sometimes a little pain but hopefully will lead to no pain. You will regain your power back and your integrity. You will feel good about yourself.

 

Guess what my XOM had the last contact and I will not relinquish that power to him again...EVER!!!

 

Take care of yourself (((Hugs))) and go NC you can do it!!!

 

 

Lady, great advice.

 

I am STILL in that "friend" mode with my xAP. I suck at NC, although I can't just say it was me... he's broken it, too.

 

I know I need to try it again. He emailed me last week, I responded. And now it's that "waiting mode" wondering when he will get around to responding. It's no way to live.

 

And I completely agree about you saying that you don't have to tell your H. While I think it helps for some to do that, it's not the same situation for everyone. I haven't told my H and I don't know if I will.

[ladydesigner]

NowhereToHide try and try again. i know how hard NC is. One day enough will be enough and the torture to yourself will be over.

 

I still have my bad days where I want to contact him but it would put me right back where I was hoping and waiting. Playing the game of who starts the email and who ends the email, wondering why he didn't email... the game playing became about as much as I could handle.

 

My XOM's last email to me was that he had nothing but great memories of me and the good times we shared together and that he was really sad we couldn't be friends anymore... as much as it saddened me to read those words... my memories of him now are not as good as I felt like he played me like a fiddle through and through. Lead me on with his beautiful lies. I realize now I was in love with the fantasy of him because I could not for the life of me tell you who the real HIM even was. I never thought he was the manipulative, game playing type of person he turned out to be. Definitely not an honest person.

 

Hang in there NC will get easier to do the stronger you get...you'll see... it's worth it!!!

[Devil Inside]

Lovekils...I like your mindset on this. It is really easy to slip during NC...and then let that spiral into a self loathing and depressed state where we figure that we are worthless. It is VERY DIFFICULT to maintain NC. It just is. Anyone that says it is not is either lying or did not have the same emotions that you did. I know how hard it is. I love my xAP...I always will. Some days I would love nothing more than to hear from her. Most of the time, however, I do not. I even have days where she is not in my head.

 

Tomorrow I will have fourteen weeks of NC. It is so much easier now. As long as I do not give her energy I can remain balanced. NC is about you...and it is about giving yourself the time you need to break the psychological attachment you have created with this person. An attachment that is fed by maintaining a friendship.

 

Good luck with healing. Good luck with your marriage. I hope that you can find the serenity that we all here seek.

[NowhereToHide]

NowhereToHide try and try again. i know how hard NC is. One day enough will be enough and the torture to yourself will be over.

 

I still have my bad days where I want to contact him but it would put me right back where I was hoping and waiting. Playing the game of who starts the email and who ends the email, wondering why he didn't email... the game playing became about as much as I could handle.

 

My XOM's last email to me was that he had nothing but great memories of me and the good times we shared together and that he was really sad we couldn't be friends anymore... as much as it saddened me to read those words... my memories of him now are not as good as I felt like he played me like a fiddle through and through. Lead me on with his beautiful lies. I realize now I was in love with the fantasy of him because I could not for the life of me tell you who the real HIM even was. I never thought he was the manipulative, game playing type of person he turned out to be. Definitely not an honest person.

 

Hang in there NC will get easier to do the stronger you get...you'll see... it's worth it!!!

 

 

Lady, Thank You.

 

You and I seem to have very similar stories. My xAP also turned out to be completely opposite of what I believed him to be. While I loved him, and still do, there is that part of me that knows that I really never knew the real him.

 

I will try NC again. I have to. It is doing me no good to stay in contact with him. It just brings up all of the old feelings and fantasies.

 

I'll be coming to cry to you when it starts to get rough!!!

[lovekillsslowly]

Have you told your husband? If not, you shouldnt be married, marriage is about your family as a whole not you was an individual. You need to be honest, otherwise you are cheating him out of his life

 

No I haven't told my husband and I never will. And obviously I shouldn't be married. That's a no-brainer!

 

I want to thank-you for your advice and support in regards to NC. Oh yeah wait a minute....you didn't give me any....you just chose to tell me what a "marriage" is about and how I am "cheating my husband out of his life."

 

If I wanted your opinion on my marriage and my family then that is what the post would of been about.

 

Go find some other poster to give your not-needed and not-wanted advice too.

[lovekillsslowly]

Thank you for sharing your story with me Lady! I appreciate it. It's nice to hear from posters who were in the same situation that I was in and actually made it through to NC and are having better days.

 

Gosh how I live to have better days because right now they are pretty down and miserable at times. It's nice to read that there is hope.

 

I have never told my husband. I will never tell my husband. And I also feel no guilt at all.

 

Our marriage has been a mess and a joke for several, several years. Way before I ever met MM. And like you, telling my H wouldn't help our marriage at all.

 

I hope you are correct and I will feel good about myself again soon because right now I wish I could just run away from everything and everyone and start a whole new life with a new identity somewhere, someplace where nobody knows me and I know nobody.

[Samantha0905]

Thank you for sharing your story with me Lady! I appreciate it. It's nice to hear from posters who were in the same situation that I was in and actually made it through to NC and are having better days.

 

Gosh how I live to have better days because right now they are pretty down and miserable at times. It's nice to read that there is hope.

 

I have never told my husband. I will never tell my husband. And I also feel no guilt at all.

 

Our marriage has been a mess and a joke for several, several years. Way before I ever met MM. And like you, telling my H wouldn't help our marriage at all.

 

I hope you are correct and I will feel good about myself again soon because right now I wish I could just run away from everything and everyone and start a whole new life with a new identity somewhere, someplace where nobody knows me and I know nobody.

 

I haven't told my husband either. I don't know that I ever will. It's not necessary and I don't think someone else's dogmatic viewpoint on this has anything to do with whether or not it is what is best for your marriage. You sound like you realize this also. My marriage hasn't even been bad in the sense he's been bad to me. We just have communication issues and a lack of intimacy. Anyway, I don't want to tell him because I don't want to hurt him in that way and I don't want the drama to be the focus of our marriage for the next year(s).

 

I'm sorry about the NC thing. It is difficult. My ex-AP called today telling me he is in love with me and how much pain he is in. He's single. I told him it was over and I'm moving back home at the end of the month. It still hurts like Hell because I hate losing him and I hate the thought of him dating -- which, he of course will because he's single. That's as it should be, but I still hate it.

 

Anyway, hang tough. I do think NC is what's best -- especially if you still feel you have strong feelings for him. If (when) you fail, don't beat yourself up. Just keep trying and it will take eventually.

[lovekillsslowly]

Thank you DI for your words of honesty and your wishes of good luck.

 

Wow...14 weeks of NC. How did you ever do it??? I can't even make it 14 days.

 

I'm very depressed today and missing his voice so much. I wish I could just run away from this life I have and start all over someplace new where I know no one and no one knows me.

 

But unfortunately I can't. I made the decision to "play the game" and now that the game is over I have to suffer through the consequences of loneliness and misery.

[lovekillsslowly]

Thanks Samantha0905 for sharing your story with me and your support of my situation. That means a lot to me.

 

My H has never been mean or bad to me. It's his parenting skills that have caused problems in our marriage. A woman can put up with a lot of things in her marriage, including infidelity, but when a man is an a**hole to their children that pretty much ends the "love" feeling.

 

It's terrible to be married and feel like you are a single parent and when he is at home he doesn't want to participate in their school events or sporting events. He just gripes everytime he has to do something for their sake. And eventually the kids just got to the point that they don't even want him to be home when they are. They are happy when he has to go out of town for business trips. That is what I have dealt with for 20 years now.

 

Oh well....soon our youngest child will be grown and gone and then we will see where this farse of a marriage ends up.

 

I sure hope this NC gets easier soon. Today has been very, very difficult.

[DiDi123]

Hi-

I am going to ask a stupid question but what does LC stand for?

 

I am contemplating NC right now and how to do it, so it really helps me to read your story Wonder and how if I do it I need to stick with it - but if I have a "bump in the road" and "fall off my horse" I can pick myself up and get right back on.

 

Thank you for sharing ((hugs))