The dog or me... what is going on here? anyone?

[oneheart]

In advance if you get to the bottom of this thread, thanks for taking the time to read it. Really, I feel so low about this and am totally blind as to what the hell is going on - is it me? him? both of us?

 

My partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. We had known each other a bit before we got together. We got together when I needed to move out of the house I was staying in and at the time we were both happy to move in together.

 

I knew he had a dog and didn’t think anything of it. When I moved into his house there were loads of cards around from his ex-girlfriend, one’s she had made. One of them was picture of her and the dog. I asked him to move these and said they upset me – it took him nearly a year. Anyway. Even though they went out together 10 years ago and only for 3 months, they slept together many times over the 10 years. The only time they didn’t was when he was seeing someone else.

 

I had spoken to a few of his friends/employees and they all said that she is nuts. He also said it didn’t work out because she is hard work. One of his friends said to me that she was in love with him and would marry him tomorrow. When I asked him this he agreed that she probably would. Ouch.

 

So as you can imagine, I didn’t feel that comfortable with her in the picture. How is she in the picture? Well, my partner will only let the dog stay there if we go away. He is not prepared for the dog to go anywhere else but there as he says that because the dog is old and they know him that is the best place for him. However, I am not happy with this. It took me a while to get the full story about their relationship because he dodged questions and with held information for some time that led me not to trust him about her. Besides – I do not see why the dog can’t go to a professional dog carer. He is actually a very fit dog for his age and occasionally he will go wandering for 2-3 days at a time. He still comes back alive – how can he be at a greater risk with someone else?

 

I admit I do have trust and security issues in this relationship but I believe they stem from feeling like the dog is coming first. To me I feel he is choosing the dog over me and his ex. I made it clear I found it hard and he agreed that the dog wouldn’t go there anymore. Eventually this all blew up again and we were on the verge of splitting up and I thought – fine the dog can go there, I’ll take the risk in loosing him because she can have him! This initially made him happy. I realised that maybe I had been worrying about nothing. We made an agreement that I would be there when we drop the dog off. He introduced me to her, held my hand in front of her and it was fine, we shook hands, all fine. The second time on the way to meeting her I told him how I hated this. We arrived, he hadn’t told her I was coming. But no big deal right – she should expect me to be there? Anyway – he got out the car followed by me. She started to get out of her car and as soon as she saw me she got back in. I walked over to say hello again and she completely ignored me. I was literally 6 feet away from her, ready with a smile, ready to say hello. I was completely ignored standing right next to her for 5 minutes. He also ignored me all the time too this time. Why did she do this? As far as I am concerned it hurt her to see him with me. She couldn't face me. He could have handl;ed this much better I feel and I wouldn't even be worrying maybe?

 

To me there are still issues here. Unresolved ones. My partner says I have nothing to worry about as he is not interested in her. Obviously she is still interested in him and I think she sees the dog as her connection with him. This is something that I was concerned about and I felt I saw my worst fears happening before my eyes. I have tried to live with this, tried to let the dog go there but I am just not happy with it. My partner is not very emotional and ahs only told me that he loves me twice in 2 years. He said he wants to be with me and work this out but the dog must go there. I have said I have tried and I am not happy and don’t want to continue being unhappy. He is angry with me for giving him an ultimatum – which may be right but I feel I am doing the right thing in saying – this makes me unhappy, are you going to do anything about it? Because I don’t want to remain unhappy. He has suggested that I sort the dog out with her, all contact through me and he will tell her why. Or he will tell her that nothing is ever going to happen between them (I have requested this to be followed up with an email or text so I can see proof of this) and I can sort the dog out with her mum. She lives with her mum (even though she is in her early 40’s). Her mum too finds her hard work apparently. So basically – she can know nothing is going to happen, no contact between them anymore and I am dealing with the dog via her mum only. No other contact allowed. This is crazy right?

 

He has said he will only say the dog is not going there and contact with her with if I cut complete contact with one of my (only two) best friends who is male. He is just a friend and nothing even vaguely romantic has ever happened between us and never will. I only see him maybe 5 times a year. An eye for an eye my partner says, to make it fair. To me that’s just immature and we will both end up resentful everyone looses.

 

Our 2 years together have been difficult and I believe that a lot of my insecurities come from a feeling of being undervalued. We have had some great times, in the past two years I have come on tremendously in my life and conquered all sorts as he has financially supported me – this has enabled me to study, overcome anger and fears with professional help. I do all the housework for him, all of it. He has been very well looked after by me. But I feel he really lacks the ability to understand how other people feel (me and his ex and some of his employees).

 

He thinks I am crazy to be leaving over this. But this is more than just about letting his dog stay at his crazy ex’s who still loves him. I just want her out of the picture so we can move on. But no. I believe that he loves me, but I have been so unhappy about this situation.

 

He has agreed to go to relationship counselling. He has been brought up in a male household, this is his first mature live in relationship (he is 39), he runs his own business, is a competitive and successful racing driver and is his own boss in everything. When I asked him what would he like to change or improve about himself he said nothing – if anyone has a problem with what he does it’s their problem. He admitted that this probably a problem he needs to look at.

 

What is stopping me from going is that I do love him, I find him attractive, funny, and supportive (financially), when we make love it is the most intimate I have ever experienced. We share a lot in common and he has my best interests at heart. He is great company – when I see him (tho another thing is that it is not as much as I would like). His work rules his life….. During this argument/break/split whatever the hell is going on here – I confronted him about his previous responses to when I asked him – does he want to have kids with me, marriage? His reply used to be… he wants them, but with the right person and not someone who he argues with all the time. This has now changed to he wants to and will (well – no ring or anything but that is what he wants). But of course right – I’m perfect, doing all the housework, loving him, reassuring him everyday with compliments and occasional presents and notes – he’s got everything he wants apart from I don’t like the dog and I feel that he is like a child trying to get everything his own way. But I also embarrassingly feel like a child the way I am….

 

I checked his emails the other day (we both use the business account that’s why I have access, it’s also his personal account) – he lost his mobile, sent group email saying so, got replies from ex’s – he responded back to 2 of them. In one he called her “Hello Beautiful” which is very out of character for him. He doesn’t call people that! The other he said how it was a shame they never made this trip they were planning and maybe they should be there now. Both these ex’s are married now but he has dated married women in the past…..

 

I am going insane over this. Really. It is all over a dog…. Isn’t it?

Edited October 31, 2009 by oneheart

[ShriekingViolet]

No I don't think its all over just a dog. :/

IF it was just the dog-thing I would probably suggest you drop the matter. Although I can understand why something like that bothers you (it would bother me too) I think we all need to understand that what happened in the past happened and we can't change that. We have to accept that those we love loved others in the past and will share connections with them.

 

I don't know about these two married women. :/

[oneheart]

Thanks for your thoughts - it is good to be reminded that the past is the past - but ultimately it feels this guy is choosing his dog over me, and his dog over our relationship. It seems crazy to me - we lose the dog wins and he is an animal not even knowing what he has gained here! This is so humiliating being put below the dog.

 

I'm packing right now. He text me last night saying he doesn't want anyone but me. I didn't reply - my answer... he does..... the dog.

[ShriekingViolet]

I know you're upset but don't you think this is a little rash?

[oneheart]

My reason for posting on here is to try and get a perspective of what is happening. I have no idea if it is rash. I feel so lost. To some people it will be because...... well? I would be interested to know why you think this is rash, and interested in your advice if you think it is. Some people may be understand where I am coming from. I don't know SV! That's why I am here. Thanks for your input.

[oneheart]

Actually, what has happened since then is that I saw what I was about to lose = my life with him. I didn't want to. He had given up on everything, fighting for me like he has been doing for the past 2 weeks. He'd given up. I became devastated and felt like a child who hadn't got their way. I felt ashamed but kind of not too hard on myself because I know it is human to have these emotions of insecurity. But they are ones that need addressing. I do need more from him. He is going to try. I however have to face my fears.... what if's and low self esteem have almost completely destroyed our relationship. However - I'm not stupid, my needs need to be met to some degree in order for me to feel complete in the relationship. (Or in the words of the 5 Love Languages - my love tank is full). We are going to go to counselling together. I know I have issues, they have followed me all my life. I'm 32 now. I want a family and marriage one day - if I carry on like this I don't think I will ever get there - well, I may get there, but I'll be there and scared again.

 

For those reading this who are in a midway position and you both want to make it work - have a listen to Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages. They have helped me a lot.... (along with Men are from Mars) - and they are available in audio books too which helps to get through them quicker.