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dating after the death of loved ones


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Posted (edited)

I'll try to keep it brief. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years last October (2008). In the beginning of April this year, we decided to try to work things out with the help of a relationship counselor. We were making some progress but I was still skeptical. During the last week of May, my brother (who is 29) was in a water skiing accident. My boyfriend was not being supportive, but looking back it's difficult to say the right thing at a time like that. My brother died two weeks later, in June. I ended things with my boyfriend, it was simply too much. He did not come to the funeral. I had a trip planned to Asia, and my parents said I should still go. I went, and when I got home in July I had a final conversation with my boyfriend. I told him I had given up on us, that I was feeling so lost. He sounded pretty devastated. Four days later, my boyfriend also died in a motorcycle accident. He died instantly.

 

Now... I feel like I'm starting over. I've been through grief counseling, it's been 4/3 months since my brother/boyfriend died... I am 27 and not getting any younger. So I decided to get back into dating. Or at least try. I'm ready to keep trying, I haven't given up on life or anything. But, I just don't know what to say on a first date. I'm That Girl with all the baggage now. I don't want to be that girl, but it's hard to gloss over the events of the summer. Any advice? Or words of encouragement would do.

Edited by purpleplanet
Posted

How terrible for you.

My advice would be to not even think of dating now. 3 months is a very short time to get over someone, even more so if they have died. Added to that your brother's death...

I broke up with an abusive man 3 months ago and am only just now coming to terms with it and I know that I am not ready yet to date again till it's all out of my system. And I have much less time than you.....I'm 39.

Let yourself heal first.

In the past I have tried getting over someone by finding someone else, but it doesn't work.

But if you do meet someone great, then take it slowly, and know that if he cannot handle your so called "baggage" (it's not really baggage but life experience), then he is not the one for you.

I have jumped into a new relationship just to get over the past one and it never works, trust me!

Posted (edited)

I'm sorry for all that's happened.

 

First of all, I'm so glad that you still feel energy in you. Everyone processes grief differently, but giving yourself several more months to heal (not that you'll be "over it" or anything, just that you'll probably be in a different mental space by then) would probably simplify things to an extent. And 27 is far from old, so please don't even consider that as a factor. It's you that matters and how you feel that will make a new relationship work when the time comes-- NOT your age.

 

I haven't been through your scenario but within my family history, some people would respond quite differently to deaths, than others. And that is accepted as a normal thing. So, I can't emphasize enough that ultimately, only you will know what's right for you.

Edited by Isolde
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