dfb Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Quick background on me. Live in Hawaii for one year, in military which include three deployments a total of 32 months, one two year old daughter, married since May '05. My wife and I have always had are little spats which usually never lasted more then a few hours. Lately all we do is fight. I know if it wasnt for our daughter we would be divorced. I have been home (not deployed) about 16 months, longest ever with my wife but i still travel often usually between 1-3 weeks at a time. I am just so tired of all the fighting. We went to couples counceling about 8 months ago. Everything was great for about 3 or 4 months, then everything went down hill fast. Our relationship has been in the gutter and we can't seem to get it out. There hasn't been a day that we havent fought about something lately. Sometimes it only last an hour or so then were good, but its something ever day. We want to stay together for our daughter who means the world to me. We don't fight in front of her and when she is around everything is moslty pleasent between the wife and I. After she goes to bed the wife goes straight for the computer, I watch t.v. then mess around on my computer or whatever, we hardly spend anytime together because we usually end up fighting. I do have anger issues and I am known to break things (I replace them with in a week) and I have started to see a dr. He thinks I am depressed I think he's full of ****. I don't really enjoy hawaii, which may be part of it, and I don't really hang out with people. Where does a straight male go to meet other straight males just to make friends. I know this is really vague and if anything needs to be filled in I am happy to answer any questions. I think I am on here mostly to vent and take in any good advice. I am not really sure if I love my wife anymore, theres a good chance I don't. I can hear her laugh right now and it just irks me. Maybe we just need to go out and have a good time together and reconnect with each other. I am scared that if we get a divorce the military will move me somewhere and I won't get to see my daughter for long periods of time, but when is it enough.
dgiirl Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Why did you two get married? How was the relationship when you guys started? Why are you fighting? If your daily arguments are over stupid things, then what is the underlying reason you guys are fighting?
imagine Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 A marriage needs a minimum of 15 hours quality time together. You need to meet each others Emotional Needs. Go to Marriage builders site and download a copy the EN's list. You will find it in the articles area. As a husband and father, you might want to learn how to manage controlling your anger. This part is definitely NOT the army, they teach you to bayonet them if they annoy you!
Gunny376 Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 First your bring the same attitude you have at work home with you. I use to have a friend in the Corps that would hang his 'cover' (Marine term for hat/cap) on a nail in his garage just outside the back door. When I asked him about it, he told me ~ "When I come home I leave all of "that" and my problems and issues back at the base. There? I'm in charge. Here 'we're' (as in me and her) are in charge. Like most people? You need to learn how to be married ~ which most aren't. Your destined to repeated failure in marriage until you do learn. Not just you but the DW as well. That means giving up a lot of preconceived ideas about what marriage is. That means tailoring yourself to be the perfect mate for her ~ and her for you. That means giving up on your 'pride' in being right. That means choosing between being 'right' and being happy. Your single best chance in marriage is in your first marriage and the one you had children with. You've got to 'date your mate' What it took to get her? Is what it takes to keep her. You've become so wrapped up in your military career your neglecting your marriage and her. No s*** your arguing over small and petty things? I of all people understand. This is why the Marine Corps tried to come out and regulate that Marines couldn't marry unless they were of the rank of Corporal or above several years back. (The FeminNazi's had a fit!) She needs to understand and educate herself that its not "just a job" and that its mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically taxing and demanding. Every second, every minute, every hour of every day. Even when your off duty. At 28-29 I use to lay in bed at night with chest pains, and woke up one morning with a knot half the size of a golf ball on my forehead? WTF? Stress. Why do I think your in the Marines?
Author dfb Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 dgiirl, Our relationship was decent when we started out. It was a long distant relationship. When she moved closer it was rough at first, then everything was decent. Most of our fights are over stupid things, except the last one. Last week one of her friends back from deployment stopped over, Ive meet him a couple of times, nice enough guy. We start drinking, my wife and friend are already on shot number 4 when I turn in at 1130 pm. I wake up at four and notice my wife isnt in bed, shes sleeping in a chair on the back porch. I wake her tell her to come to bed she says ok. I wake up at seven when my daughter comes to wake me up for breakfast. Again I notice my wife is still not in bed. Now she's sleeping at a chair at her computer. I start to feed my daughter breakfast, her friend wakes up and leaves. As soon as he leaves my wife gets out of the chair and I notice that shes wearing a pair of under for a top. Well we can guess what goes through my mind. We start to argue about what shes wearing, shes still drunk and turns around to go to the bed room. I reached out to turn her around, ment to grabe her shoulder but missed and grabbed her hair, and I released it right away. I get her camera while she sleeping and look at the pics date/time stamp is 0330 am, and she still wearing her shirt. When she gets back up we start arguing right away. Now she says she came t bed last night and has no recolection of sleeping outside. She goes back to bed. I go on facebook and post the story. That was completly wrong of me and I am an ass for that, but she always tells all her friends whats going on between us and it really annoys me so that why I think I did that. I notice her grandma is on so I delete it. She finally up for the day and we argue some more, she still denys sleeping outside. I do not recall what she was wearing when I seen her out there, wheather is was a shirt or underwear. She still claims that she didnt sleep outside. She says that when she came to bed she must of put the underwear on instead of a night shirt. When she's drunk she goes to sleep in her cloths and she never came to bed. She doesnt even really remember waking up in the computer chair. By now her grandmother say what was on facebook told her parents and they are upset. The wife tells them I am going through a hard time and we had a fight and I lifted her out of bed by her hair and the rest are lies. I see the email and call her out on it. She says since I was more in the wrong it was ok for me to look like the only one that was wrong since she doesnt want her parents to look down on her. We had a long talk that night, I told her she had to write her partents and tell her parents what happened. She emails them and tells them that we all did a shot (which I didnt) and all went to bed around midnight, that her friend slept on the couch and we went to bed. Again I am still the only ass hole but now she mentions to me that when she went to sleep outside she was wearing her shirt. Well **** before she didnt even sleep outside. She still doesnt know why she was wearing a pair of under wear as a top and says im rediculous for thinking she would of done anything. Em I really? Since then we are civil but I cant let it go. She keeps saying that she has never done anything before for me to be suspicous of her for. Well tonight I did think of two things, but that was years ago. My thinking is that there usually is nothing to be suspicous of until something happens. I think the underwear thing is pretty big. Gunny376 That was really some good advice, thanks. I am however army EOD. I think my job does bring in some problems. Mostly I was the one going down on "bombs" in the middle of Iraq for 13 months on my last deployment. I was the man, I called all the shots. Now I work behind a desk and Im not anyone of any real importance. I dont bring home any stress really. Your two remarks about choosing between right and being happy and giving up your pride in being right really hits home. For those that read through this, thanks. If nothing else I know someone is listening.
Gunny376 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 EOD-Army is hard Corps enough for me! Her friend isn't your friend! Hate to tell it to ya! He's scroggin your wife! (He's using and abusing her! She's just " duty -station @zz until he gets back home to to the 'love of his life") You can believe me or your lying eyes! Don't do twenty or thirty years in Leavesnwoth over some lying, cheating, two-timing woman. As soon as he gets back "Stateside? He'lL dump her quicker than you can say ""Don't quit!" I know its hard! But take a FOOL'S advice! Let it go!
h2ofrek Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'll tell you what, if she doesn't recognize that her "friendship" with this guy is disrespectful of your vows and that it may be affecting you, she is probably in an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. (look it up on Yahoo) My ex had 4 and just started a 5th. The 4 while we were married turned into sexual connections and the 5th is heading that way. EA's are more damaging to a marriage than a one night stand because she is forging an emotional bond which should be with you. It does not sound like there is much trust in your house and that may be a major block to her trying to connect on the emotional level. It sucks, I know this as fact, but the trust has to be there. You may need to get away from her and focus on yourself and get right so your daughter will have a healthy male roll model to carry her through her mate choosing when she grows up. I think of my daughter and the lessons she has learned from me and I have a lot of damage control to accomplish in the next few years. I don't want her to end up with a guy like I used to be. My wife deserves better and my daughter does too. I focus on teaching my children about what I did wrong in our relationship and the choices I made which led us to where we are now and I talk to them about other choices I could have made, and let them draw their conclusions about which choices they will have available when their time comes. I do not apologize; I simply tell them this is life and there's no wrong way to live it...just better ways and they should always strive to find a better way if they are not happy with their choices. Change is uncomfortable, but it sounds like what you're going through is downright painful and I hope you can get to a better place, brother; I really do. Take care of YOURSELF and be your daughter's hero. HOO-YAH!!! (That's Navy for HOO-AH) Do great things, Aloha
dgiirl Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I'm a bit confused on your story. A friend of your wife comes over for a visit. You all start drinking. You decide to go to bed and you leave your wife to stay up with her male friend. You wake up at 3am and 7am, and find your wife sleeping in a chair? Where was her friend at this time? From your post, I get the impression you think something happened? What do you think happened? There are parts to your story that are missing, and i don't understand the whole story.
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