lark Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 My relationship is a long distance one, but the question doesn't hinge on that, so I'm posting it here. This is about how my boyfriend views what it means to be in a relationship, in my mind ... My boyfriend lives 1000 miles away. We get to see each other about every 5-6 weeks. He's coming in 4 days to stay for a week. I told him today I have a mild stomach flu, hate to be sick but glad it's now and not when he is here. He said, "How do you know you'll be better?" I said, "These things never last more than 48 hours. If I'm still sick in 4 days, I think it'd have to be something pretty serious, and I'm not worried about that. I'm just telling you I have a little stomach bug, glad it's here now and not when you're arriving." So then he says, "Well, if you are seriously ill -- like you wind up in the hospital all dehydrated -- I just won't get on the plane." I said, "Well, that sounds crappy. Why not?" And he said, "You have your mom there and friends to take care of you. It wouldn't be as if you were sick and dying. You're being silly. We can't waste trips like that." *blink* We've been together 18 months. I wouldn't ask him to plan a trip here if I were in the hospital for a minor illness, but if he already had ticket in hand, shouldn't he want to come and see me whatever the case, help me get through a rough couple of days, and then have fun? (This man is 41, by the way, not 21. And he is not putting off some high-powered job to come see me. He's self-employed.) To me, his being there for me when I need someone would be a very worthwhile experience to have together, if we're really in a serious relationship. Yes, my mother lives nearby and she could take care of me. But we're adults, and he's my boyfriend. I do try to be rational, and technically, he's right. We see each other seldom, and it would be best to do so when we're both at our best. But 18 months into this thing ... at our age ... his outlook doesn't feel right to me. What do you think? Is he just being practical, or a jerk? I don't want to let my ego get the best of me, but I don't want to be treated poorly, either.
aerogurl87 Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Wow well like my signature says, actions speak louder than words. He may say he cares, but someone who would put off a trip to go see you because you got hospitalized doesn't sound like someone who genuinely cares. If anything if my SO were to get hospitalized I'd want to come see them even more so I could be there to support them when they were in dire need of my support. Also for the record, when I was with my ex and it was a LDR, I went to see him and we both ended up being sick while I was there for 5 days. The first 2 days I had bad stomach aches and the last 3 days he was sick and could barely talk (then he ended up getting me sick on the last day) but I enjoyed it still. Yeah we weren't at our best, but we were with each other and that's all that mattered. Love isn't always rose filled gardens, sometimes it's illnesses and hardships and you have to be with each other through the good and the bad.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 I would have been insulted for him to have told me I was "being silly." I don't happen to think my feelings are silly and I'd be upset that he was marginalizing them like that. Did you express to him your feelings about this beyond the point where you said "blink" in this post? Or did you just drop it at that point. I think this is a good time to sit down and explain how you operate in relationships (i.e., "I would still come out and see you because I care about you") and the kinds of things you expect from a "loving" partner. Good opportunity for open communication.
bbf Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 I think as a man he just doesn't think in terms of emotional support. Guys generally don't give each other emotional support unless someone is dying or having a breakdown. If I was in the hospital with the flu it wouldn't occur to me to think, "I wish my girlfriend was here to help me through this" Guys think about help in terms of doing. If he can't do anything about it, he thinks there's no point in showing up. I can see how you'd be offended though. I don't think he meant anything by it, or that's it's a bad sign for the future of the relationship. He just doesn't get how important it is to you, so try explaining it to him.
torranceshipman Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 He either doesn't care enough about you to want to inconvenience himself with looking after you while you are sick...or he is incredibly insensitive. You'd have to decide if either, going forward, are compatible with the qualities that you need in a SO.
carhill Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 And he said, "You have your mom there and friends to take care of you. It wouldn't be as if you were sick and dying. You're being silly. We can't waste trips like that." I don't know what you're looking for in a future relationship, but I can tell you assuredly that this man is not marriage material, not at 41. That's cr@p, in my book, both the methodology and the tone. IMO, he needs to think about that, in silence
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