katieher Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We’ve lived together for 1.5 years. In the beginning of our relationship we had a lot of problems that we eventually got over. But I feel these problems were only resolved because I bent every which way and conformed to all of his needs. I changes endless things about myself and had the opposite of a “take me as I am or watch me as I go” attitude. My friends and family said that I became a puppet and have lost my personality and bubbliness since I’ve been with him. I feel it is partially true. I feel as though sometimes I have to pretend to be someone im not around him because he is so judgmental and even in certain situations when I know I’m right, he will demand that he is right. If I argue, it escalates and turns into a huge blow out. So very often I swallow my pride and let him be right, even when he isn’t Him and I are very different. I am an extremely free spirit, a bit irresponsible, spontaneous, think with my heart, live in the moment. He thinks with his mind, is very responsible, somewhat controlling, obsessed with doing things “right”, seems to have a lot of integrity, etc. I conformed to all of his changes and did whatever it took to keep him because I felt as though I needed someone like him in my life, a rock so to speak. But there has always been this dynamic in our relationship that I care way more and he does not value me as much as I do him. Sometimes I feel like if we broke up, I’d be devastated and go into a mind numbing depression and he would be over it in a week and feel like he didn’t lose much. A lot of the time I feel like he thinks he can do better. Anytime we have a big fight where he doesn’t get his way or feels like ive wronged him, he packs his bag, says hes moving out, goes to his moms house and dumps me. It makes me feel so ****ing disposable. I always beg for him to come back and he always does. It’s so much trauma and drama. I guess I feel like we are always on the edge of breaking up. Mind you that has only happened about 5 times and has not happened anytime recently. The thing is, now a days we really don’t ever even fight or argue. I can’t remember the last time we did. it’s gotten to the point where we don’t disagree because I just feel like a rag doll who has to agree or suffer the consequences Actually our last fight, I just remembered. And that brings me to the whole reason for my post. On his birthday about 4 months ago, I took him out and tried to make everything perfect. We had a horrible night despite my best effort and when we got home, out of nowhere he tells me that he doesn’t love me anymore and is leaving me. I cried hysterically for hours until I passed out. In the morning we woke up, I begged him to reconsider, and he did. he agreed to stay. Even though I was totally overcome with joy, something inside me that trusted him with my heart kinda disappeared. I felt like he broke a little piece of it or something. Up until this point (1.5 years at this point), I had never so much as looked at another guy. The next day after this birthday fight, a guy from my work happened to ask for my number. I don’t know what I was thinking and im not making excuses, but I gave it to him. Wow this is getting really long. I’ll cut to the chase. I started texting/talking to this guy from work and the more we talked, the more I realized just how much we had in common. We could talk for hours and I could totally be myself with him. This talking went on for 4 months…….and I was still with my boyfriend the whole time. I never did anything sexual with this guy. Hung out with him a few times, but never touched him. We became so attached to eachother and I’ve never felt like I could relate to a guy so much in my entire life. my mind started playing tricks on me and I was seriously considering leaving my boyfriend for this guy. This guy was everything I’ve ever looked for/hoped for in a person. I cut it off with him a few days ago because feelings were getting too deep and I didn’t want him to get hurt any worse than he probably already has. Not to mention the guilt ive been experiencing since we’ve been talking has been paralyzing. He knew I had a bf the whole time, but I guess was betting on the fact that id leave bf and inevitably end up with him because our connection was so amazing and powerful. Chemistry like ive never experienced. I feel like we are perfect for eachother. I just don’t know what to do. My bf and I are so comfortable together. We live together. We have pets together. We never fight anymore. I kind of know in my heart that unless a lot of big changes happen, my bf and I will break up eventually. But I cant bring myself to end it. For one, I really do love him. But also im AWFUL with letting go.. its impossible for me. I have serious abandonment issues and ended up ****ing up my entire life and spiraling downhill BIG TIME after my last break up, years ago. Part of me feels like if my bf could just try harder to understand me and make me feel more valued that we could stay together forever. We coinside together fine at this point. Its very peaceful and like I said before, I feel like I need someone to keep me in check a little. Also, he is the most stable relationship ive ever had and I feel like I might not be able to ever find that again. This other guy, is more free spirited and accepting like me. A lot of times crazy chemistry (which is what I have with the other guy) means craziness all together. Im so scared that if I leave my boyfriend I will regret it and not be able to get him back. Someone please help me, I feel like im losing my mind!!! What do I do? Edited October 31, 2009 by katieher
drillman Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 hi it sounds like you want to be with someone new who you have common interests with but you dont want to hurt or be hurt by another breakup with the man you've been with for so long, and you have so much built with. Ive been in a few relationships and i know that there isnt any one person who can give you all you need. if you make the leep to the new guy, he might disapoint you in ways you cant even imagine. if you stay with the old bf, you will never know what you are missing in a new love relationship. there is no right anser, except one. you need to learn to depend on yourself, learn to take the emotional hits and move on when you know in your hart that its not right. And its bull**** when they say love heals all wounds. you will always love people you leave behind. but time helps you forget a little. i would guess that the new guy isnt your soul mate either, but youll go crazy if you dont make a leep to find out and its not fair to string the old bf along. im with a nice lady who isnt everything i would like either, and i know i will leave eventually for both our sakes, if i cant be fully invested here. i plan to tell her i just need some space and will gradualy test the waters to see if its the right move. i will be getting my own place. if you try something like what im going to do and make it a gradual move, maybe youll discover you really want the old bf before it dies.
kimflute26 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Oh my ..... Please dump your boyfriend and go with the new guy! Your boyfriend sounds like a piece of trash... he treats you like dirt because you let him. He wanted a rag doll girlfriend and he's getting that with you. You need to value yourself enough to put this in perspective and realize that you WONT die if you leave your bf. Pursue the other guy... sounds like you'd have a way better relationship with him and he probably wont treat you like crap either. Think about it.
Author katieher Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Oh my ..... Please dump your boyfriend and go with the new guy! Your boyfriend sounds like a piece of trash... he treats you like dirt because you let him. He wanted a rag doll girlfriend and he's getting that with you. You need to value yourself enough to put this in perspective and realize that you WONT die if you leave your bf. Pursue the other guy... sounds like you'd have a way better relationship with him and he probably wont treat you like crap either. Think about it. are you sure? i feel very skeptical about leaving my bf for another guy- for so many reasons. i've never cheated on anyone in my life, this is i guess the closest ive ever come. i actually think what ive done would be considered emotional cheating. do you really think a relationship that started while i was with someone else could ever work out? another thing that scares me about this guy is he's 35 and i'm 25. ten year age difference. but i must say, you would never know. it has not effected us at all what so ever. if anything i think his extra 10 years has made him more understanding, sympathetic, empathetic, kind, patient.. etc. im just so scared that it might be a mistake and i know for sure there will be no going back to bf. my boyfriend is SO unforgiving. we have an apartment together... we would have to decide who gets the pets. it really feels like we are married. it would be SUCH a hassle. at this point, i've cut off contact with the other guy. it's been so hard. i can't get him out of my head and i miss him to the point of laying in bed the first few days we stopped talking. im trying to just move on with my life like we never met, because i'm a coward i guess. i wish i had the balls to go after what i think could make me very happy, but i dont think i do. i am just trying to do what is responsible i guess.
Recommended Posts