Messy living arangements

[twinklecat]

Does anyone have any advice with this situation. Basically my ex broke up with me on Sunday, I posted about it so not going to post about it further, just makes me upset and angry and every other emotion going through me right now, but I digress.

 

I'm living under the same roof as the ex, stuck here till February due to others living here also in this house share and someone else has already moved out (same day the ex dropped the bombshell) plus theres a small child living here, man it's a nightmare, so I can't just leave without screwing others in the process.

 

He's now in the spare room which is next door to my room, well which used to be our room. I've done the whole get your stuff out of my room, ended relationship on facebook and also deleted all photos of him off there too (got in a bit of rage last night and just deleted them all!!!) But it's the fact I see him all the time, and he's also getting extremely "friendly" with one of the other housemates who happens to be female which hurts like a knife through the heart, having to see this.

 

I've been trying not to start conversation with him, and even ignoring him, but then it just makes the atmosphere awful and I don't want things to turn into an arguement. I would love the possibility of nc right now but in between the mess of this house share and working together, it's just not possible. Should I continue to ignore him while in the house? I just don't know anymore Had such a good day yesterday and felt so good, now back to feeling like useless crap again.

[Lamak]

Sounds like you need a change of scenery, but since you can't move you have to learn to cope with these feelings. No small talk with the ex, but if it's something necessary go for it. Seeing him interact with the other roommate should show you that he isn't worth your time. Journaling/Expressing your feelings (not to him directly) will help seeing him be easier to stand. Also, try to get out and do more so you're not stuck at the house.

[LostInLA]

Dang that really sucks, sorry to hear that!

 

I was in a similar situation, having to live with my ex from March - August and during that time he started to date a new girl in May. What a jerk (haha I've been saying that a lot lately).

 

Luckily he moved out early in July and helped pay rent for August. (He's been very cordial about finances.)

 

Right now 3 - 4 months sounds like a long time when your heart is broken, but it's not really...the time will fly.

 

Not sure what kind of guy he is but seems like it would be courteous of him to either move but still pay his rent or let you move and pay your portion.

 

Heartache is hard enough...least he could do is make the situation easier for you!

[twinklecat]

Thanks for the support, it's really appreciated, these forums really have got me through this week.

 

A bit of an update to the situation.

It seems my ex has moved on already, a long time before. This female housemate, they are together all the time chatting, watching TV, sitting at their computers...TOGETHER.

 

Tonight I have had to endure them watching youtube, listening to **** like "I will always love you". He was so adamant when he ended things nothing was going on between him and her. If nothing is going on and i'm just heightened with my emeotions at the moment, it's just beyond evil. Who would do things like that??!! She knows fine well how long we have been together, she was one of my best friends till we moved into our house, known her for years, it's just so insensitive, both of them are! Any decent person, whilst living in this situation would back off, at least until we can move out of here. I am so angry and upset right now, and I had such a good day too!

 

I've also had some work friends voice their opinions about their "friendship" while I was not there, especially over the last few months. While they said it wasn't like they were allover eachother it looked pretty "strange" considering he was supposed to be with me. Wish they had said something before now!!!

 

I'm looking at the possibility of moving my pc in my bedroom, however the internet seems to be allergic

[LostInLA]

It's amazing how selfish and rude people can be when they are caught up in "feelings."

 

I don't know about you, but I'm a big believer in karma and what goes around comes around. Just try to find some comfort in that.

 

If you really can't move out, just do your best to stick to yourself and try to ignore them. Maybe stay at a friends for a few nights a week too?

 

Good luck, you can do this.

[twinklecat]

Thanks LostInLA I am keeping comfort in the fact of Karma, this will bite him and her on the ass!

 

I ended up coming home ill from work yesterday as I was about to break down, because I'd heard some things from some friends at work, people asking if him and her were together.

 

So before I left I told him I needed to talk. I got myself home via taxi (cost an arm and a leg as I live so far away from work) I decided to stay in my room and let him come to me, did not want to pressure him, and he came to talk. I kept it civil and said that for the sake of having to work together just wanted a few things clarified, as it feels like I'm having the **** taken out of me.

 

He says theres nothing going on they are just friends, which I do believe, whether or not something is going to end up happening between them I guess that's a different story!

So then he goes on to complain how I'd been ignoring him and going off and being "self assertive" and doing things on my own (what does he expect??!) explained that I have always been that person, he helped quite a bit in contributing to me being so dependant on him, which he agreed with. He then also said he still wants to be friends, which I guess is fine for now but when I move out of here I am going to have to cut him out of life, bar having a profressional working relationship with him.

 

So anyways, this morning I made sure he had left for work before I got up, I have been out with other housemate to get groceries and whatnot, and I'm also going out tonight with friends from work. He's just come home "ill" however he is still picking her up from work later tonight, as befofre he went to his room he asked me to wake him up before I leave to go out. I'm leaving hours before he needs to pick her up, and we have another housemate here who is in tonight so I don't know why he has asked me, unless he's just being nosey?

Edited November 3, 2009 by twinklecat

[CarrieT]

The same thing happened to me with my most recent Ex, but I didn't have to put up with months of it; six weeks was bad enough. But I *so* feel for you!

 

For me, my Ex and I hadn't had sex for the last 18 months of our relationship and when we broke up, he started bringing chicks home to f**k within earshot of me.

 

What is happening to you (and what happened to me) is a form of passive aggressive behavior. I think it is important for you to set your boundaries that you live there too. Don't schedule your life around him! Come and go as you please and want.

 

It is a bit new-agey, but the best thing that I did for me when I was in the apartment with my Ex was envision myself inside a giant white bubble which couldn't be burst or hurt. Emanate strong, positive energy outwards. Believe in Karma and look at the big, big picture of your life -- it is only a few months in what will be YEARS of a fabulous existence. And it will ultimately make you a better, stronger person for enduring what you have to go through.

 

I feel for you. I really do.

[twinklecat]

Thank you CarrieT. Had quite a busy 24 hours! Went out last night which was really good fun. Made sure not to drink too much and met some new people from work. Should hopefully be a regular thing.

 

I stayed the night at a friends (in their guest room, no funny business, last thing I need atm lol!) and didn't get in until 5pm-ish and saw a new car in the drive-way. The ex was in and was very interested in my night and where I had stayed, told him just with friends. He then says the car in the driveway was his, and showed me it. We then had a talk about things, he poured his heart out on how unhappy he has been since we moved into this house. He has been relied on by everyone in this house to do everything. Lifts to and from work, shopping, cooking, you name it.

 

He says he just wants some time on his own to do what he wants to do when he wants. How he still wants me in his life. I said to him I didn't think I'd be able to do that, and he seemed upset. He says we can use this time and when we move out to sort ourselves out, and possibly looking at working things out. He says he does not want to be with me or anyone else at the moment, but will see what happens in the future.

 

So uh I dunno, bit confused. I think he's been going through a terrible time, all this stuff with the house, his children which he does not see, his age, kinda like a mid-life crisis.

[mickleb]

What a w*nker.

 

PLEASE try not be sucked in by this, my dear. Does he have a right to do this to you? PLEASE do not feel sorry for him.

 

Tell him to learn better life-management skills. Running is for losers. Running and then rubbing someone's nose in it? Running and then rubbing someone's nose in it and THEN telling them you're stressed and maybe it can work out again????

 

Don't get me started!

 

You're worth way more, and you know it.

 

(I'm, mentally, kicking him in the pods, on your behalf.)

 

x

[twinklecat]

I'm so annoyed at myself right now, why do I fall for his BS? We just had a mini row before he left to pick housemates up over the stuff he said to me earlier tonight, he just does not make any sense!!!!!!!

 

I am worth a 1000 times better, I just feel very betrayed. Two days before he ended things he spent just about all night talking to my stepmother about how he was going to tell everyone to back off so we can work on "us" I asked him why he had done the complete opposite, and he says he thought about it alot while driving back from our trip to see family, which would equate to about 12 hours. 12 hours???? 5 year relationship takes 12 hours to think about ending?

 

I need to get him out my life asap! Thank you for all the help and support, I need to get back to me and sorting myself out, screw him and all his problems!!!!

[mickleb]

Phew. That's better.

 

You're sounding more sensible, now.

 

I can tell you that my common sense went out of the window for a bit after my break-up but it's now (almost all of the time ) back in the driving seat.

 

When your heart isn't ripping you into a billion pieces, you know you can't allow him to pull this sh*t. That is good!

 

Incredibly difficult as it must be to do, in your situation, you MUST somehow, try to keep your rational brain making the decisions. EVEN if you, ONE DAY, choose to accept his grovelling self back (and I mean GROVELLING, in tears, I am the biggest idiot in the world, what do you want me to do, tell me-I'll do anything [and then actually does it] self), you will need to have completely assessed the situation rationally first.

 

We're with yer, gal. Stay STRONG. You won't regret it. x

[twinklecat]

So today I have been feeling feeling really quite down. He's been out all day today with the female housemate and her baby, he seems to be obsessed with her child, doing things for her a dad would do. He came back and just had to announce to me he bought a new TV and a DvD recorder (in the past 2 days that's quite a few big purchases, as he bought a new car yesterday) He keeps trying to get my attention, sometimes I'll respond, but just being brief with him, other times I'll go "ah, yeah, okay" kinda thing.

 

Had a long chat with my stepmother on the phone earlier, she's really helping. Just discussing how I need to move on, not feel sorry for him etc etc, I think what is hurting the most is he doesn't seem to want me to move on. He keeps giving me different reasons for the break, and he just looks bloody miserable. I'm going to continue with this limited contact thing, it does help me feel better, it hurts but better if you know what I mean?

[twinklecat]

Phew. That's better.

 

You're sounding more sensible, now.

 

I can tell you that my common sense went out of the window for a bit after my break-up but it's now (almost all of the time ) back in the driving seat.

 

When your heart isn't ripping you into a billion pieces, you know you can't allow him to pull this sh*t. That is good!

 

Incredibly difficult as it must be to do, in your situation, you MUST somehow, try to keep your rational brain making the decisions. EVEN if you, ONE DAY, choose to accept his grovelling self back (and I mean GROVELLING, in tears, I am the biggest idiot in the world, what do you want me to do, tell me-I'll do anything [and then actually does it] self), you will need to have completely assessed the situation rationally first.

 

We're with yer, gal. Stay STRONG. You won't regret it. x

 

Hey, seems I was busy typing a reply when you replied! Thanks for the kind words. I am trying to think with my head instead of my heart, and he's digging himself in a huge hole. While i'm out reaching to all of my friends and family, he's doing the opposite wrapping himself in this bubble with this girl and her child. I mean I know a few days ago I said I thought things were going on between them, but looking at it rationally, his attachment is with the child. I just cannot wait to get out of this place, as while I see him every day I'm finding it incredibly difficult to move on.

Edited November 5, 2009 by twinklecat

[mickleb]

You're doing great, considering. x

 

Is he having a bloody mid-life crisis, or something? He's being a big kn*b. Enjoy his misery, if you can. You could try to pretend you're watching a car-crash reality TV show, perhaps??!

 

Also, use this as an opportunity to continue to get out and about and doing things you wouldn't necessarily do by yourself. Go to the cinema, go to a restaurant, go ten-pin bowling, whatever. It can be weird doing these things alone, at first but after a while, it's immensely liberating.

 

Hang in there, lady. xxx

[twinklecat]

Haha, yeah I think he is having some sort of crisis, and it's quite pathetic when I look at it. I've been doing okay, I did go out on Tuesday night and did something I never would normally do, booked my own taxi (he would always do stuff like that for me) got a taxi to a place I did not know, and there were many people there I didn't know, as during all this I have been placed in a new team at work. Also bought a book on my sisters advice, about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. She's a mental health professional, while she says I'm certainly not screwed in the head (unlike the ex likes to believe) I could do with doing this to change the way I think/feel and will help getting through this. Sounds a pretty small, but it's a big thing to me and I'm proud of myself. I need to remember these things to snap me out of when I feel down and sorry for him.

[twinklecat]

So the ex just came upstairs to announce he's ill with a migrane so cannot take me and other housemate to work and said I'll have to get a taxi (which is booked but there's always difficulty in finding the place) Where we live theres no feasible public transport so we are relying on him and some other friends to take us to and from work.

 

This is the second time he's been off sick from work since we broke up. He doesn't look ill, just a bit tired, he did say he had been up all night. I guess this is just hard, under any normal circumstances people wouldn't see this part, but seeing as we live under the same roof and work at the same place we are seeing what eachother are going through.

 

A bit annoyed at myself though, got myself a bit upset at work yesterday, just can't get the things out of my mind that he said the other night. Been talking to a close friend of his and ours and he's really worried about him, and says he needs to get away from this girl with the child. There's nothing going on between them, it's all her constantly getting his attention, even other housemate was trying to talk to the ex the other night and she just buts in to get the exes attention. Thing is she's an absolute user and sees him as a bit of a meal ticket to run around after her and her child. I guess I just have to sit back, get on with my life and hope he realises this.

[mickleb]

Very difficultly (hmmn - don't think that's a word!) for you, you are going to have to do just that - SIT BACK.

 

He may well be pulling sickies / genuinely unwell as a result of the situation but HE IS THE ONE WHO CAUSED IT.

 

It must be horrible for you to be dealing with the heartache whilst not being able to remove yourself from his presence whilst watching him f*ck his life up in realtime. I cannot even imagine. But this is the situation you find yourself in.

 

There is nothing you can do to change it (it seems) other than manage the first part - YOUR HEARTBREAK - as best possible. Do all the things you can to remove yourself from him. You don't have to make yourself virtually homeless but (and I got this cute tip from watching Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events whilst dealing with my own situation!! Cute film - recommend it) MAKE YOURSELF A SANCTUARY. And I quote:

 

Sanctuary... is a word which here means a small, safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea.

 

Make your room your safe space - put whatever you need to in there that will help you hold onto who you are and what you deserve in life - (you have, probably, at least, begun to do this) and keep yourself protected from this sh*tstorm, in it. Meditate, do yoga, read beautiful books, watch wonderful movies on DVD, snuggle up with a hot water bottle, make yourself laugh out loud in the mirror, eat wonderful food, spray the finest perfume, write insightful diary entries - whatever works for you - and KEEP YOURSELF SAFE.

 

It is absolutely essential that we make a space like this - whoever we are, wherever we live, to the best of our ability - for ourselves, to ensure our survival.

 

Hole up, lady. FORCE him out of your mind for as long as you find possible - one more minute each day! And weather this storm.

 

We're here. x

[twinklecat]

Thank you mickleb. I have remembered I have a friends laptop I can use, which hopefully I can setup in my room, the internet is terrible in there, but it will do just for IM'ing and things like this. Don't want to move entire pc downstairs, as well I do not want to be an entire hermit in my room. And I am making my room my own as best I can, soon as he moved his stuff out, I arranged my stuff where I wanted them to go, again just little things but it makes me feel better:)

[twinklecat]

Okay so he just text me. He said he would to let me and housemate know he was picking us up tonight or taxi needed. He then wants to pass on a message to a mutual friend (which he could have done himself) and then went on about how he needs to go to the docs. I'm sorry but that last part, I feel is completely unnecessary, GRRRR!

[mickleb]

He obviously still feels the need to 'include you' in parts of his life. I think you need to reinforce the boundaries again. Repeat how it's going to be: we have to live together but I am not your girlfriend or you friend, nevetheless I can be civil, this is what I need/am prepared to do, blah, blah. Tell him to text your housemate and she can pass on messages about being picked up (if absolutely necessary).

 

Make it stop!

 

Good luck. x

[twinklecat]

Thanks Micleb - you are absolutely right, thanks with the advice

 

It is all really bizarre. It's like he's still trying to hold onto parts of me, when he was the one that ended it, and I think that's why I am having such a difficult time moving on atm.

 

Things like he still has pics of me, some of them me and him together on his facebook (I know shouldn't check) He kept putting off moving his stuff out my room I had to ask him about 6 or 7 times until he finally did it. He still tries to talk to me making idle chit chat. Is upset that I have changed (from his advice!!) by being more independant. Upset/angry that I ignored him. He doesn't look happy at all. It's just SO damn hard. Then theres the whole "lets move out and have some space and we can see if we can work things out" saying how he wants me in his life, and really does not want to go our seperate ways. I have NEVER had a breakup like this.

 

I am arranging to do stuff, get out the house and see people, but gah it's this horrible empty feeling I have, feel so alone, I'm even sleeping with the TV on at night as I can't stand the silence. I've deleted all my emails from him today, moved pics etc, but I'm just finding it very hard, esp when I can see he is having problems in his life currently.

[mickleb]

I'm tempted to stick my CP hat on again.

 

It comes out a little too often, I think but when people behave like this, it's difficult to not state they have problems committing to decisions, at least!

 

Grr. He's annoying me! (Can't imagine how frustrated you must be!)

 

I'd be tempted to say: excuse me but can you f*ck off, please?!

 

Just ask him to stay RIGHT out of your hair. Say you don't care about his troubles, you've got enough on your plate and you can't wait until you move out - not to consider your (as in the two of you's) future so you can get on with your own life.

 

Jees. He's writing the textbook of how to f up a second chance, even if there was only the tiniest glimmer that one might have been available in the first place.

 

Tell him he's an idiot.

 

Sorry! Hope this helps! x

[twinklecat]

I'm incredibly frustrated! Seems work is my only escape atm, and even then I can't get away from it. Asked male housemate earlier if ex was picking me up from work (he's the only driver) male housemate asked him and he said he would, and ya know what, he's just text me to tell me he's picking me up. This was sorted out hours ago, me purposely not ringing him or going to him directly, and this is what happens.

 

Couple this with female housemate just being a complete B**** - said morning to her this morning (while we under the same roof I will be courteous) and she completely ignored me, and she's just round him ALL the time, having ex at her beck and call, and ya know she gloats!

 

I know this is not a permanent situation, and that makes me feel a bit better, just want January to be here already!!

 

Thanks so much mickleb for the support, it's just nice to have someone to chat and vent to! x

[mickleb]

No probs, sweetie.

 

Make voodoo dolls! x

[twinklecat]

Haha, that a plan indeed! ^^