Sephorelle Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 My boyfriend and I had recently broken up due to his partying habbits, and temper while on cocaine that he uses with his friends when he parties. He likes to go out several times a week, but the major issue is that he does cocaine, and I do not. I refuse to be around him while he's on it, he turns into a very angry person has hallucinated and just acts completlely strange. He knows he does it too much, and says he needs to grow up, but I don't know how bad he's wanting to change. We have broken up before and he had promised not to put me in the position of being around blow again, but a week later he brought it out, I was upset about it being so soon, he got mad at me we broke up. He asked for me back, and apologized for treating me the way he did, he has a very short temper. Should I just let him know if I am there and the drug comes out, I will leave, and if he knows ahead of time that it will be there I just won't go out at all? What kind of ground rules should I lay down before we get serious again? I know this sounds bad, but I do love him alot and despite these partying issues we have a loving relationship.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Him doing coke + you not liking/using coke = incompatibility. I dont usually advocate ultimatums, and Im not saying this will work, but youre expecting him to just stop, when hes made it perfectly clear he doesnt want to. I mean, he couldnt even go a WEEK without doing it in front of you. And from my experience with people doing drugs, if you force them to 'quit', they just hde it or become resentful. HE has to want to stop using it. Id tell him you cant deal with his drug use, and walk.
xXMarlboro_ManXx Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Tell him it has to be you or the drugs. Don't just tell him that you can't be with him when he is using, he should have to stop using all together. If you want to let him know that you are serious then tell him you will home drug test him in a couple of weeks.
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 My boyfriend and I had recently broken up due to his partying habbits, and temper while on cocaine that he uses with his friends when he parties. He likes to go out several times a week, but the major issue is that he does cocaine, and I do not. I refuse to be around him while he's on it, he turns into a very angry person has hallucinated and just acts completlely strange. He knows he does it too much, and says he needs to grow up, but I don't know how bad he's wanting to change. We have broken up before and he had promised not to put me in the position of being around blow again, but a week later he brought it out, I was upset about it being so soon, he got mad at me we broke up. He asked for me back, and apologized for treating me the way he did, he has a very short temper. Should I just let him know if I am there and the drug comes out, I will leave, and if he knows ahead of time that it will be there I just won't go out at all? What kind of ground rules should I lay down before we get serious again? I know this sounds bad, but I do love him alot and despite these partying issues we have a loving relationship. Sounds like he might need some time to grow up. There is a time and a place for everything and it's called college. Seriously coke is the sort of drug you don't want to dabble in for extended amounts of time, you just have to cut things off here and see if he grows out of it. If he does, there could be possibilities in the future - but most likely, he's not the sort of guy you want him to be. Sorry to say but, dump him.
Author Sephorelle Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 I am definately not making him quit and I know he has to want to..and if we wants to that bad..shouldn't I just make an effort to distance my self while he insists on doing it?
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Tell him it has to be you or the drugs. Don't just tell him that you can't be with him when he is using, he should have to stop using all together. If you want to let him know that you are serious then tell him you will home drug test him in a couple of weeks. That sort of zero tolerance approach will never end happily. A combination of ultimatums and soccer-mom type drug testing is probably the worst approach I can think of.
Kamille Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Tell him it has to be you or the drugs. Don't just tell him that you can't be with him when he is using, he should have to stop using all together. If you want to let him know that you are serious then tell him you will home drug test him in a couple of weeks. Ultimatums don't work unless the person issuing them means what they say. It doesn't sound like Sephorelle wants to leave her bf even in spite of the drug habit - so this wouldn't work. Seph, I used to have issues with my ex-bf's drinking habits. I empathize with what you must be going through and how hard it is to handle. At the time I started attending Al-Anon meetings. These are groups based on the principles of Alcoholics anonymous but for family, friends and partners of people with addiction problems. I'm not religious, but it really helped me find support.
Bullydog1982 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Him doing coke + you not liking/using coke = incompatibility. BCCA, I just wanted to say your directness in your response is freakin awesome I think I'd modify it somewhat though. Him doing coke = incompatibility. Time for NC!
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 That sort of zero tolerance approach will never end happily. A combination of ultimatums and soccer-mom type drug testing is probably the worst approach I can think of. I agree, but expectning/hoping he'll stop is asking for dissapointment, and it sounds like his use is at the core of her issues with him.
threebyfate Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Coke is highly, highly addictive. Also, this isn't about you. This is between him and his addiction. Don't use the ultimatum route because you'll always lose and once again, this isn't about you. You can either accept a user without enabling them or you can walk away. Addicts can stop chemical abuse but they're addicts for life.
Author Sephorelle Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 I have no intent on issueing an ultimatem, I realise this is unfair, and I know even though he acknowledges that he does it too much, doesnt mean he will stop. I love him very much I just cant stand the way he looks or acts while on this drugs and what it does to him. Could the relationship work in your opinions if I just let him do his thing once a week, and for me out of sight out of mind if I am not there, if that makes any sense?
threebyfate Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Coke addiction grows over time, not only in quantity to get high but also in how often you want to be high. This can break people, in that if they can't afford their drug habit, they will look around at others to get the money for it, even resorting to theft, when they hit that point.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I have no intent on issueing an ultimatem, I realise this is unfair, and I know even though he acknowledges that he does it too much, doesnt mean he will stop. I love him very much I just cant stand the way he looks or acts while on this drugs and what it does to him. Could the relationship work in your opinions if I just let him do his thing once a week, and for me out of sight out of mind if I am not there, if that makes any sense? Coke isnt the kind of thing you can do once a week. As stated, its very addictive, and usually personal use increases with tolerance. Point being, as long as he is using it, his use will only increase. Using drugs like this is walking a slippery slope. Ive known people to go from being a decent, normal person, to being a total addict and having their family shun them in a matter of months. Im not saying it always happens, but as with anything, once you start down that path, its harder to go back than it is to keep going down it.
Author Sephorelle Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 You are right, when we first started dating, even though he had been doing it for years, it was less frequent. Possibly because it was new, and he was on his best behavior, but now it is infact out of hand. The hard part is all of his friends do it, including his brother and sister. His sis is 22, he is 26 and his brother is 28. Their parents have no idea.
threebyfate Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Coke abuse is rampant in the industry I'm in. I've watched intelligent, charismatic, attractive, top of the world, 7 figure producers, crash and burn enough times on this crap. Horrible stuff.
Author Sephorelle Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 It must be hard for him to want to quick when everyone he knows besides me does it.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 It must be hard for him to want to quick when everyone he knows besides me does it. Quitting would also mean not hanging out with those who use it. That might be very difficult if his social circle and relatives are also into it, because everytime he is around them...you never know.
Kamille Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Could the relationship work in your opinions if I just let him do his thing once a week, and for me out of sight out of mind if I am not there, if that makes any sense? I feel that these bargains you're proposing are your ways to try to control a situation that is actually out of your control. The thing I found scariest about my ex-bf's drinking was that it made me feel like acohol was controlling him and, by ricochet, me. Like you, I tried to gain control by "compromising". I was never able to find a compromise that made me forget about the issue. The best solution I found was to accept that I had no control over his addiction but that it didn't mean he didn't deserve love. If you plan to stay with this man, get all the information and support you need so that you can be in this relationship without enabling him or without trying to control his addiction. You need to focus on you, your well-being and your balance.
Johnny M Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Shouldn't have started dating a cokehead in the first place.
amirpc Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Shouldn't have started dating a cokehead in the first place. This statement is unfair.
BCCA Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 This statement is unfair. I agree. The heart has reasons that reason cannot understand. You cant help who you fall for, but you can controll what you do when you do.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 I don't know how bad he's wanting to change. If he truly wanted to for himself - he would have, by now. That's not a decision you can love someone into making. They have to make it on their own. Under their own strength. For him/herself. If you don't like him on coke, then I'd say it's time to walk away. Let him come find you when he's completely clean and can prove it.
Johnny M Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 This statement is unfair. Unfair??? What is so unfair about refusing to date pathetic lowlifes like her drug addict BF?
amirpc Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Unfair??? What is so unfair about refusing to date pathetic lowlifes like her drug addict BF? You have no idea of the circumstances surrounding their relationship, and I highly doubt at any point she made a conscious decision to start dating someone with a drug problem. My guess is you just have a DARE perspective on drug usage, and are being intentionally insensitive and unhelpful. Just a thought.
boogieboy Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 I am definately not making him quit and I know he has to want to..and if we wants to that bad..shouldn't I just make an effort to distance my self while he insists on doing it? You could try that, but he will use more, and you will see him less. Youre essentially walking out on him slowly this way anyway. You think you can help or control this situation, but you cannot. Theres nothing you can do unless he WANTS to kick the habit and abandon all his friends and family. You can avoid leaving this relationship all you want, but eventually, since he doesnt want to quit, you will leave, or he will blow out his nose, whichever comes first.
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