Trialbyfire Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Here are a few generic problems and solutions. Feel free to add your own. Issue: He/she doesn't want to get married but I do. Solution: Walk on by. Issue: He/she doesn't want children but I do. Solution: Walk on by. Issue: He/she is/isn't religious and I am/aren't. We don't respect each others' beliefs. Solution: Walk on by. Issue: He/she believes in career, putting in a lot of extra hours. I believe that we both should relax and enjoy life. We fight a lot about this. Solution: Walk on by.
Author Trialbyfire Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 This is a list of basic no-brainers where yes, the solution is just as no-brainer. That's the nature of this thread. For certain there are more complex issues, that couples can work together on.
Author Trialbyfire Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 And a couple more: Issue: He/she is abusive to me. Solution: Walk on by. Issue: He/she walks all over me and we've talked about it and he/she still does it. He/she is very selfish. Solution: Walk on by.
Ariadne Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 From the words of the guru Paramahamsa Nithyananda: ----- Q. Beloved Swamiji, you tell us to 'give our all' in love. But what if the love is not appreciated or returned? If you are truly in love, you will 'give your all' naturally. Love is an unconditional outpouring. In love you don't stop to ask yourself whether the other person deserves your all. In fact, there is no question at all of the other person's worth. Love is a gift. If you were to measure the other person's worth and give an equal and exact measure of love in return, that would simply be a bargain. It would be Business, nor Love. In true love, this question of 'Should I give my all?' would not be raised at all! Now the issue of the love being appreciated. Tell me, what is your reason for loving? Is love a performance for which you need to be applauded? It is enough that you love. What is the need to look for any further reward? To ask for a returning of love is to seek some kind of control over your beloved. You refuse the other person the freedom not to love you in return. This is a kind of possessiveness, where you cage the other in the prison of your expectations. And as I keep repeating, love can never, never blossom in captivity. Listen carefully: there are two kinds of love -- love as a Quantity, and love as a Quality. When love is seen as a quantity, it results in the kind of selfish little exchanges that most people make all their lives. You hold out a tightly wrapped parcel of love to your man or woman, and expect them to promptly return an equal-sized parcel to you. If your partner should choose to give her parcel to someone else, or even to just open it and spread the love around, you feel cheated and angry. You are both bound to each other by a pact of reciprocation. You have to be Made for Each Other. Sooner or later this kind of arrangement leaves you cramped and frustrated, and in anger you withdraw your parcel and go off to find someone else to exchange it with. Or else your partner does that. Sounds familiar? For Love to become your quality, you must be willing to surrender yourself completely. Only in an egoless state can this love arise. This is not easy, but you can make a beginning. You will discover that simply through love and gratitude, you being to let go of the ego, just a little. And as you let go, more and more love enters into that space. Try practising this in your relationships. There's no need to make a fuss about loving; don't become serious in your love -- just be totally sincere.
Isolde Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Agree with all of them except the one about career vs. work life balance. At different stages of life, people might view that dilemma differently, for example, many people work a ton to get established in the career and then relax a bit. I don't think an absolute workaholic would be compatible with someone that does the absolute minimum required of them in life, but I do think this can and is worked out in a lot of instances.
pandagirl Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Agree with all of them except the one about career vs. work life balance. At different stages of life, people might view that dilemma differently, for example, many people work a ton to get established in the career and then relax a bit. I don't think an absolute workaholic would be compatible with someone that does the absolute minimum required of them in life, but I do think this can and is worked out in a lot of instances. I see this incompatibility as one person being more ambitious than the other. Some people are very driven and goal-oriented, and some have no desire to do anything much with their life. For instance, I am definitely NOT a workaholic -- I wholeheartedly believe in enjoying life -- but my career and sense of what I do for a living is VERY important to me. If I were with someone who was apathetic about this sort of thing, it would be an issue for me.
threebyfate Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Isolde and pandagirl, both of you might have missed the part about "We fight a lot about this". In that particular situation, one party wants the other to change and neither is willing to budge. Not a relationship worth saving.
pandagirl Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Isolde and pandagirl, both of you might have missed the part about "We fight a lot about this". In that particular situation, one party wants the other to change and neither is willing to budge. Not a relationship worth saving. Yes, that's is a fundamental issue that will not go away. I get it! Question: my friend is a doctor, her boyfriend is a teacher. It really bothers her that he isn't more ambitious. So are you saying this is a dealbreaker?
threebyfate Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Yes, that's is a fundamental issue that will not go away. I get it! Question: my friend is a doctor, her boyfriend is a teacher. It really bothers her that he isn't more ambitious. So are you saying this is a dealbreaker?There's a difference. In the original premise, not enough time is being spent with one of the people in question, hence the fighting. In your scenario, it's about attempting to reshape the core person, since ambition is core. If it's an ongoing battle of control in your scenario, then yes, this is a dealbreaker. Trying to change someone from that deep a level only works, if that person themselves, is determined to change. Otherwise, it's an exercise in futility.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Yes, that's is a fundamental issue that will not go away. I get it! Question: my friend is a doctor, her boyfriend is a teacher. It really bothers her that he isn't more ambitious. So are you saying this is a dealbreaker? By ambitious you mean she is frustrated that he doesn't make more money? Yes, that is a dealbreaker.
pandagirl Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 By ambitious you mean she is frustrated that he doesn't make more money? Yes, that is a dealbreaker. No, it isn't a matter of money. He just doesn't have the natural inclination to push himself any further in his career. Personally, I think that is fine as long as he is happy, but she doesn't get it because she is super ambitious.
Phateless Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Issue: refuses to communicate about the way you communicate Solution: ???
threebyfate Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 No, it isn't a matter of money. He just doesn't have the natural inclination to push himself any further in his career. Personally, I think that is fine as long as he is happy, but she doesn't get it because she is super ambitious.panda, this is something I'll never understand. If she doesn't respect his career decisions, why is she with him? There are tons of men out there who are very driven. Why pick one who isn't? I suspect she doesn't understand what drives her and her own needs. When you're with someone who's as driven as you, there are some serious compromises you both have to be willing to make. This means that your time together is reduced and both of you have to sometimes put your needs on the backburner, while things are hectic with the other person. If one is more driven than the other, the one who's not, tends to take a back seat, with their own needs. This is probably what's already happened with their relationship and she's not aware of it.
threebyfate Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Issue: refuses to communicate about the way you communicate Solution: ???Now that one, isn't a no-brainer. Okay, try this. You try to communicate with her the way she communicates with you. This might be enlightening for her...
Isolde Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 For instance, I am definitely NOT a workaholic -- I wholeheartedly believe in enjoying life -- but my career and sense of what I do for a living is VERY important to me. If I were with someone who was apathetic about this sort of thing, it would be an issue for me. I'm the same way. I just meant that typically you don't have the black and white scenarios of extreme workaholics/couch potatoes but rather, couples that are in somewhat different places in their lives. There's also a huge difference between being lazy, and being content with a low salary/prestige level.
threebyfate Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Issue: He enjoys tractor pull and getting tanked every weekend with the boys. I love classical music and romantic evenings with fine dining. We're forever fighting about what to do on weekends. Solution: Walk on by.
BCCA Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 There's also a huge difference between being lazy, and being content with a low salary/prestige level. In America, wealth - and the acquisition thereof, is valued more than anything else. People tend to associate income/job with how hard you tried in life, thats why people take the opinions of lawyers and business consultants more seriously than that of fast food workers and delivery drivers. Truth is, most of where we end up in life is based solely on opportunities presented to us, and our current circumstances. A person who has a family who is wealthy enough to support them during college are more apt to find a good school, and work very little so as to focus on studies. Those from poor families that can barely afford to have them at home will be more likely to join the military, and do what it takes to put the entire burden of paying for school on themselves. This means wealthier kids are more likely to go to good schools and do post graduate studies, while those from less forntuate families will look for cheaper schools, and other programs, and will almost always need to work immediately following completion. And lets just be honest, wealth is attractive, and telling someone youre content where you are - if they dont consider your current situation ideal, usually leads to disagreements (this is especially true if the guy is the one content and working at BestBuy).
threebyfate Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 In America, wealth - and the acquisition thereof, is valued more than anything else. People tend to associate income/job with how hard you tried in life, thats why people take the opinions of lawyers and business consultants more seriously than that of fast food workers and delivery drivers. Truth is, most of where we end up in life is based solely on opportunities presented to us, and our current circumstances. A person who has a family who is wealthy enough to support them during college are more apt to find a good school, and work very little so as to focus on studies. Those from poor families that can barely afford to have them at home will be more likely to join the military, and do what it takes to put the entire burden of paying for school on themselves. This means wealthier kids are more likely to go to good schools and do post graduate studies, while those from less forntuate families will look for cheaper schools, and other programs, and will almost always need to work immediately following completion. And lets just be honest, wealth is attractive, and telling someone youre content where you are - if they dont consider your current situation ideal, usually leads to disagreements (this is especially true if the guy is the one content and working at BestBuy). I'm neither arguing for or against this analytic. Where I stand is why be with someone you're not content to be with? It's not as if it's something small, like he doesn't rinse the dishes before he puts them into dishwasher. Career or not, is a substantial part of people's lives.
BCCA Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 I'm neither arguing for or against this analytic. Where I stand is why be with someone you're not content to be with? It's not as if it's something small, like he doesn't rinse the dishes before he puts them into dishwasher. Career or not, is a substantial part of people's lives. There is a difference between being content with who they are and how they treat you, and being content with their income. Those that go by the former are fine, but society pushes some to the latter. A lot of people say jobs/income dont matter, but sadly they do, and my only point is that the fact someone has more than someone else doesnt mean they worked harder for it, or are a better person.
CLC2008 Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Off topic - but why does your avatar have a groom carrying a shotgun TBF? But back to the original post, from a "generic" standpoint, these are good and some of them should DEF be a b&w scenario. But as we all know, life is not this simplistic and relationships, are def not simplistic. Nonetheless, good points and motivational tools.
Rudderless Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Here are a few generic problems and solutions. Feel free to add your own. Issue: He/she doesn't want to get married but I do. Solution: Walk on by. Issue: He/she doesn't want children but I do. Solution: Walk on by. Issue: He/she is/isn't religious and I am/aren't. We don't respect each others' beliefs. Solution: Walk on by. Issue: He/she believes in career, putting in a lot of extra hours. I believe that we both should relax and enjoy life. We fight a lot about this. Solution: Walk on by. I don't think these are situations that arise once you've gone through a couple of serious relationships, they're the sort of standard dilemmas you go through in earlier relationships. At that point in life you can afford not to walk on by for a bit and see where it goes, it's a right of passage. If you stream through life with this mentality at an early age you have some sort of time travel machine from which you can go forward and get hindsight.
aerogurl87 Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Off topic - but why does your avatar have a groom carrying a shotgun TBF? Lol, I've been wondering the same thing.
threebyfate Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 I don't think these are situations that arise once you've gone through a couple of serious relationships, they're the sort of standard dilemmas you go through in earlier relationships. At that point in life you can afford not to walk on by for a bit and see where it goes, it's a right of passage. If you stream through life with this mentality at an early age you have some sort of time travel machine from which you can go forward and get hindsight. I'm uncertain exactly what you're trying to express but if you look at the issues, they're pretty straight forward incompatibilities, for any age or relationship. Feel free to add some of your own. To make a long story short about my avvy, I'm pregnant and getting married this weekend. My fiance has been in a hurry to do this.
aerogurl87 Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 I'm uncertain exactly what you're trying to express but if you look at the issues, they're pretty straight forward incompatibilities, for any age or relationship. Feel free to add some of your own. To make a long story short about my avvy, I'm pregnant and getting married this weekend. My fiance has been in a hurry to do this. CONGRATS THREEBYFATE!!!!!!!!! :bunny: *throws her imaginary confetti in the air and screams loudly* Have a good wedding and a good pregnancy :D:D
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