redant Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I may be overreacting, but my bf is not emailing me much or at all. Which is ok, but I feel needy and I'm thinking what if I lose him like the others, what if he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Pathetic? Yea ok. But what do I do to make myself feel better. We recently had a convo about having kids, he doesn't now, I would like to in the near future. We didn't break up, but maybe this is causing him to think? Alot of times guys run if it gets serious. So I'm wondering if he wants to do the same. How can I not get those abandonment feelings? HELP!
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 We recently had a convo about having kids, he doesn't now, I would like to in the near future. We didn't break up, but maybe this is causing him to think? Unless you're proposing extramarital children, from his perspective you've brought up both marriage and rugrats in the same discussion. Have you had a marriage discussion before...like a SERIOUS marriage discussion? Also, most likely you are overreacting...but if he really is a little scared atm, the best thing you can do is give him space, and the worst thing you can do is bring this up again soon. Edit: This sentence is mildly creepy "I'm thinking what if I lose him like the others"
Author redant Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Why do you say it's creepy? UGH!
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Why do you say it's creepy? UGH! Relax it was just a joke. What about my other questions, have you discussed marriage before?
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 IMO, thats a little quick to discuss marrige and kids. A year is a good time to discuss the future, and make sure you both agree you have one, but as a guy - I dont see myself ready to marry someone after a year. Espsecially if hes in his 20's or early 30's. You have to understand that for men, things like marrige and especially kids is like the 'final chapter' of your life. Thats it, once you go down that road, your social life comes to a screeeching hault. Why do you say it's creepy? UGH! I think youre a little insecure, and are looking for people to make a commitment to you right away. But what you dont understand is that it doesnt matter, people can change their mind or lie. So, its best to enjoy what you have and work on making yourself happy. If someone doesnt want to be a part of that, their loss.
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 IMO, thats a little quick to discuss marrige and kids. A year is a good time to discuss the future, and make sure you both agree you have one, but as a guy - I dont see myself ready to marry someone after a year. Espsecially if hes in his 20's or early 30's. This is definitely true, and I suspect based on the way she phrased things and the way he seems to have reacted - that it was an out of the blue, super intense babies + marriage discussion.
Author redant Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks I just need to hear some wise words. Makes sense! Yea I've discussed it all. We live together. But I see what you mean that it's the last chapter of life. We are in our late 30's yet he feels or thinks he's young it seems. I like this: "So, its best to enjoy what you have and work on making yourself happy. If someone doesnt want to be a part of that, their loss. "
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks I just need to hear some wise words. Makes sense! Yea I've discussed it all. We live together. But I see what you mean that it's the last chapter of life. We are in our late 30's yet he feels or thinks he's young it seems. I like this: "So, its best to enjoy what you have and work on making yourself happy. If someone doesnt want to be a part of that, their loss. " BCCA is wise. You're in your late 30s? Yeah I'm fairly surprised that he reacted in this way after finding that out...
Author redant Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Right I was just letting him know my thoughts on the subject. We are adults and if I want kids I will have to have one on the near future. Not his fault/responsibility, but he is my bf now. He broke up with his last gf over the same thing. I can always find someone else.
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Right I was just letting him know my thoughts on the subject. We are adults and if I want kids I will have to have one on the near future. Not his fault/responsibility, but he is my bf now. He broke up with his last gf over the same thing. I can always find someone else. If he's in his late 30s and he left his last relationship over children, and is now acting skittish towards yours when you bring up the idea of children - I'd say it is safe to assume this man does not want children.
Author redant Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 ok But my question is would a guy need/want to distance himself or to think? I assume so. If he doesn't want children why wouldn't he just say it?
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 ok But my question is would a guy need/want to distance himself or to think? I assume so. Yeah, I don't know. I think it depends on the guy. Give him some space and see what happens, but I wouldn't be too optimistic about him wanting children. At that point you'll have to ask yourself what is more important to you, children or what you've got with this man. As far as why he doesn't just say it, is he normally a direct person, emotionally accessible? He may just not be able to verbalize his fears, and the whole idea scares him, so he just edges away.
Author redant Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Yea amir that is what I decided to do. There will be a point. Thanks.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 ok But my question is would a guy need/want to distance himself or to think? I assume so. Well, assuming he's doing it to think and not detach, it could be normal. Problem is, you dont know which it is. If he doesn't want children why wouldn't he just say it? I find there is always more info in what people DONT say that in what they do. If hes in his late 30's, left his last gf over wanting kids, and isnt exactly excited about the idea when you bring it up...he probably doesnt want kids. Actions always speak louder than words.
AriaIncognito Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 The question that begs to be asked: You know you want children. You knew he broke up with his previous over children because he didn't want them and she did. Why is it that you decided to remain in a relationship with someone that didn't have the same end goal as you? Did you think you would change him???
Author redant Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 He seems to do everything by how he feels at the moment. He has said that he does not rule out having children in the future, but right now he doesn't have the "feeling" he wants to. I am in a rela with him because I found him attractive and kind. I remain because we are happy most of the time.
Author redant Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Things feel or seem so good between us it's hard for me to understand why he doesnt want the same things I do. He has said he wants to spend share more time with just me befor thinking about a child.
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Things feel or seem so good between us it's hard for me to understand why he doesnt want the same things I do. He has said he wants to spend share more time with just me befor thinking about a child. I think thats fair for him to say, just as long as you're clear that you won't wait forever. Don't put a timer on it but let him know he'll need to decide at some point.
Author redant Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks guys! For now I need to get my Halloween accessories!! Have a Happy Halloween.
Pink Cupcakes Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Have you thought about going off the pill? Or if you use condoms, this won't work. He is old enough to have kids. Some guys just need a little push.
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 have you thought about going off the pill? Or if you use condoms, this won't work. He is old enough to have kids. Some guys just need a little push. what the ****
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Have you thought about going off the pill? Or if you use condoms, this won't work. He is old enough to have kids. Some guys just need a little push. This seriously makes me want to go home and give myself a vasectomy. What state do you live in so I can make sure to avoid accidentally coming near anyone you've ever possibly infected with your crazy.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Have you thought about going off the pill? Or if you use condoms, this won't work. He is old enough to have kids. Some guys just need a little push. Wow This is why so many kids grow up with only one parent. Do you really think he'll just stay around forever and raise a kid he didnt want because its 'too late now'? That is terrible, and it wont work like that. He either wants to have kids with you or he doesnt, pretty simple. You cant force anyone into something they dont want, and expect anything less than horrible results.
Recommended Posts