amittanna1 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Dear all - I am really confused and torn apart and would very much appreciate your advice as this doesn't feel clear to me I'm a 31 year old man who had been dating my girlfriend, "rina" (age 27), for just under 18 months and we split up two weeks ago. Im many ways, I have always felt that Rina and I are perfect for each other.. we share alot of common values, are from a similar background in terms of religion, have very similar interests and really understand and connect with each other. I love her very deeply. We have had some magical moments together and when things have been good between us it has felt so amazing that we could spend the rest of our lives together in total bliss with each other. The problem has been from the outset that Rina can be very emotional and insecure. I remember in the first month we started dating thinking that she was perfect bar a little insecurity, but I hoped the insecurity would fade away as the relationship developed. I remember having a little talk with her after the first month saying that "insecurity feeds insecurity" and that does not support the growth of a relationship. Worst has been that Rina displays her insecurity through fairly aggressive and argumentative remarks which can really frustrate and irritate me. So some examples include: - Getting told off badly for not holding her hand when we walked to the local shops after an intimate physical session. (I had no problem holding her hand but it was the extent of aggression directed at me for not doing so that made me feel really uneasy) - Not putting my arm around her when sitting by the riverside (again i had no problem doing so but didnt like the fact I was demanded to do so in an aggressive way) - Being constantly asked if I miss her or whether I've been thinking about her on the phone while at work. (If I gave a half-hearted response because I my mind was occupied with work issues Rina would not be happy) Being a very chilled out - usually calm - and generally practical guy who is not outwardly overly affectionate I have found these things really difficult to deal with. I'm a fairly mature kind of guy who cant deal with aggressive conversations over small issues. At the begining of the relationship I tried to ignore these emotional outbursts hoping they would go away but as the relationship developed I was politely more vocal about my irritation hoping that Rina would get the message, take it like an adult and simply change her behaviour. Instead these often lead to me receiving long (whingy) lectures about how I should be able to deal with it. It was never a "Sure Amit, thanks for mentioning it, no problem lets move on from it" .... it was more of a "So what if i need a bit of affection.. you should be able to give it to me! " Over the months I felt the communications between me and Rina became strained at times because I suddenly became scared to ensure I was saying and behaving in the way that made her happy, but suppressing my own personality and feelings of irritation. We would often be having a normal conversation that woudl suddenly flare up into a heated argument because I could not hold back anymore my irritation at her demands for constant reassurance and emotional support. During one of our conversations on the phone when we were having one of our arguments. I had had such a hard day that day that i decided I couldnt take anymore and decided to end the conversation and hang-up the phone (politely). I turned off my cell phone and went to sleep hoping things would be better in the morning. When I turned my phone on at 8am, my phone rang instantly! Rina called saying that she had been up all night because she couldn't sleep because we had an argument and tried to call my phone every 10 minutes throughout the night! At some level we have both acknowledged the problem and read a copy of "men are from mars" together - although I feel Rina didn't fully understand the "Men need thier Caves " point. At times we have been having full blown arguments three times a week which has felt like a rollercoaster of argueing / making up / argueing again. We tried to break-up three times before but couldnt at the last minute because we care for each other so much. We've now been split up for two weeks and I really miss her. I feel like we have a really amazing connection but my concern is that we dont work on a practical level. The arguments and stress of the relationship really began to impact my health towards the end and I constantly felt tired and drained. Rina can be very emotional and insecure, and moreover gets very aggressive when she is in these feelings. I am a very chilled out kind of guy who cant deal with all the drama and arguments over what is essentially small issues. I feel I need a few weeks out to reset myself, rid of stress, and get a clear perspective on this relationship. But I am not sure whether I should try and convince Rina to give it another shot?? Sorry for the long message - I would very much appreciate your comments and feedback. please be objective ! thanks warmly for reading this, best Amit
Ronni_W Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 But I am not sure whether I should try and convince Rina to give it another shot?? Hi Amit. Yes, of course, you can do that. But until Rina gets some therapy to resolve her deep insecurities, you guys are just going to keep having the same relationship, aren't you? In my experience, no matter how mature, understanding and forgiving one partner is...another's deep insecurities will, inevitably, sabotage the relationship -- whether through a permanent break-up, or just the deep resentment of the "more functional" partner. For your own growth, if you wanted to, you could self-reflect on what is compelling you to even consider getting back into a relationship where you are treated like that.
Author amittanna1 Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Hi Ronnie - thanks for your reply. I hear you totally... what is compelling me to go back to her is that even though it was Hell, at some level I really care for her. I know that sounds completely irrational. During the relationship I fantasized about splitting up hundreds of times..!
Ronni_W Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) Amit, Caring for her is terrific. But I'm of the opinion that YOU deserve some of your own caring, too. If there is a part that somehow is telling you that it's okay to be treated like crap by the very people you care about...??? That was kinda my point -- you could dig deeper into what that part (of you) is telling you about...well, about how much you care about you. The way you explained the relationship, it sounds as if you would have to be prepared to be treated very poorly...whenever she got it in her head to do so. But of course, it is totally within your own power and authority to choose that for yourself. But if you do...then you'd be forfeiting your rights to complain about the consequences of your own, conscious decision. Yes? That is, to me there is no logic/sense/reason behind bitching about one's own decisions and choices. Edited October 30, 2009 by Ronni_W
Author amittanna1 Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 Thanks mate - I appreciate your point. Yes I think it is proabably 50% her treating me badly (due to her insecuritites) and 50% personality clash (me being extra laid back and her being very intense)... I really need to do some reflecting .. but for some reason have a mental block everytime I try to think about this
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