Ex-wife former stripper and other stuff

[Minnie09]

So my husband was married to a stripper. It never bothered me in the beginning of our relationship, we were crazy in love and he treated me like a queen. Initially he told me that his ex-wife was working as a bartender at a high-end gentlemen's club (what a euphemism), but after about 3 months into our relationship he told me that she was actually a "dancer" and that's also how they met. She danced for him naked for money, then they talked and then they met in his hotel room where he stayed during a business trip. He was single at that time, so there is nothing wrong with that in general. She liked him, too and she slept with him because she found him attractive and interesting (which he still is, even though he is eleven years older than me, btw). Anyway, they fell in love and got married. She gave up her job, moved in with him from the big city to the countryside etc. After five years they got divorced, because he screwed up (I am going to explain the reason later).

 

Anyway, as I said, the whole story didn't bother me in the beginning, but now that we have gotten married and the relationship has changed from constant bliss to a normal life, I think about that a lot.

Somehow I resent him for getting married to a hooker and I tell him how I feel about it. Instead of being thankful for having a decent, educated woman by his side, though, he keeps defending her telling me how good of a wife she was, she never slept with anyone for money etc.

I basically knew their love story right from the beginning, but it is only now, after three years, that I feel a little contempt.

This is only because our relationship has changed into something real, with a baby-son and a house and a marriage, and I don't get as much attention as I would want to get. The chase is literally over, and instead of appreciating what he does for the family, I can't get those "he is a loser and I am too good for him" thoughts out of my mind. Why now and how do I get rid of this?

I am so hateful sometimes that I would love to tell his family about her job. They still talk very nicely about her and think she is a saint. He, too, communicates with her on a friendly basis from time to time. She is also remarried and never went back to her old job.

I just don't know why I hate that part of his life so much. I wasn't even there.

I have never met her, either, and I also have no reason to be jealous, as she is not too attractive in my opinion. I don't know.....

That's become such an ordeal all of a sudden. It's none of my business, but I have that desire to constantly pick at him for being such a loser...

Maybe I just hate him for not treating me that special anymore (and YES he did) and somehow want to torture him as a revenge......

But then again-why doesn't he try harder and tell me that I am right?

 

Why did he screw up his marriage wit an ex-stripper who he thought was gorgeous and had turned into an adorable housewife? Because he had an emotional affair going on at that time with a married woman who he had known for a long time. According to him, they are/were just best friends. It never affected our relationship, except for one incident. We went through a rough patch about a year ago. He never talked about his feelings and problems to anyone, including me. I kept asking him who he shared his thoughts with, since I discussed mine with me best friends (of the same sex, btw, because he wouldn't tolerate my opposite sex friends) and he said "nobody, I don't need to", until I found out that he had communicated with his so-called "best friend" about our problems behind my back. Not with me, not with anyone else, no - it had to be her, who had already ruined a previous marriage of his. This was a one-time incident, but I was still deeply hurt (he asked her if she would stay together with someone only because of a baby, really some bad stuff......) and felt utterly humiliated. (At that time they were hardly in touch anyway, but I wouldn't give him that as a credit, it was just that we had moved away, but now we are back in her neighborhood and I am quite worried.....)

I made a big scene, the whole "friendship" ended and - according to him - they don't communicate anymore. I don't know if I should believe that or not. But well....

I hope I was not too confusing, I am just sometimes emotionally so overloaded that I can't think straight. Thanks for reading.

Edited October 30, 2009 by Minnie09

[boldjack]

OP, first things first. Stripper does not = hooker. I have known plenty of both and can assure you of this. Second, you really are being disrespectful to your husband, calling him "loser", and such. If my wife spoke about me that way, she would be out on her ear. If you need reassurance about your marriage , then say so to your H, don't "diss", him, behind his back. Third, your husband needs to be upfront with you about this married woman. If you are uncomfortable with his relationship with her, then you both,need to set the boundaries for contact (if any). Fourth, if you two have gotten past the "chase", stage and are trying to settle in, maybe instead of complaining, you should try to spice up your love-life. Remember, you get more flies with honey than with vinegar.

[GorillaTheater]

Here's what I'm taking away from your post:

 

Neither your marriage nor you have healed from your husband's contact with his "friend" and the things he shared with her that, rightfully I'd say, hurt you very badly. So now you're thinking about launching a torpedo by bringing up his first wife's former livelihood in an effort to hurt him ("the loser").

 

I guess the bottom line is whether you want to continue to try to recover this marriage or not. I can't offer an opinion as to whether you should or not, that's up to you. But if you DO want your marriage to recover, a move like the one you're thinking about, and motivated by revenge, is most definitely not going to get you where you want to go.

 

Have you worked through the issues that caused the "rough patch" in the first place?

[quankanne]

your husband's ex-wife has absolutely NOTHING to do with your relationship with him, and it's a pretty crappy thing to try to make it so. You are capable of being a better person than that, I'm pretty sure of it ... I've been in your shoes (as far as being upset with my husband and "finding" things in his past to use as ammo), and I can guarantee, you don't build a solid or happy marriage by looking for crap to use against him that isn't even related to what's going on.

 

GT seems to have ID'd the problem, and my advice is to focus on that (if it truly is what's bugging you). The knowledge about your husband's first wife needs to be dumped into a deep sea, and you should avoid fishing in that sea in hopes of retrieving it. You're not doing yourself or your marriage any favors when you do that (again, been there, done that).

 

a suggestion: Pick up a copy of "The five languages of love" and read it. It's a fascinating look at the different styles people have of expressing love, and it could very well be that your guy feels that by holding down a good job and supporting your little family is the "best" way to express his love, he doesn't see that for you, it's time spent with you that shows it best. I know this is something that my husband and I have to deal with, and after reading this book, I don't get so easily offended when he doesn't "get" that I need wifey time on a consistent basis

 

right now, you have the power to turn this thing around by focusing on the true problem, rather than looking for unrelated (and therefore, unimportant to your relations) bombs to lob at him because YOU are hurting. The question is, are you willing to put aside the BS and focus on what needs to be focused on? From what you've said, his relationship with Wife 1 never bothered you before, so I'm guessing your hurt pride is now turning that information into an assault weapon that you can "shield" yourself with. Please don't do that, because it only makes it harder to recover the trust when the damage is done.

 

best of luck to you, I know you can figure this out in a way that leaves BOTH of you happy,

q

[Minnie09]

Third, your husband needs to be upfront with you about this married woman. If you are uncomfortable with his relationship with her, then you both,need to set the boundaries for contact (if any).

 

According to him, there is no contact. But that's what he said one year ago, too, so how can I believe him now? I don't know who he calls when he's at work. I don't know who he is with when he's on a business trip (happened before, when he was married to his previous wife, that the "best friend" went with him and they went out drinking.....he told me all this before we got serious, he probably regrets it now), and so on.

He knows that it would ruin our marriage, if he did it again, because it would have to be behind my back. And we currently don't talk about it, either. I also don't want to, because I don't want to give him the impression that I feel threatened plus I would only get on his nerves. We've already discussed that subject to the extreme, and the idea to discontinue the friendship was his, not mine. However, I am worried that he might resent me for having to sacrifice this friendship and that not seeing her even increases his desire to spend time with her.

[boldjack]

OP, the worst thing you can do, is not communicate. You have to let go of his ex-wifes' former career, and he needs to be absolutely up-front about his "friend". Both of you need to stop disrespecting each other. This stuff can only be accomplished by talking to each other, so work on your communication , FIRST.

[Minnie09]

Here's what I'm taking away from your post:

 

Neither your marriage nor you have healed from your husband's contact with his "friend" and the things he shared with her that, rightfully I'd say, hurt you very badly. So now you're thinking about launching a torpedo by bringing up his first wife's former livelihood in an effort to hurt him ("the loser").

 

I guess the bottom line is whether you want to continue to try to recover this marriage or not. I can't offer an opinion as to whether you should or not, that's up to you. But if you DO want your marriage to recover, a move like the one you're thinking about, and motivated by revenge, is most definitely not going to get you where you want to go.

 

Have you worked through the issues that caused the "rough patch" in the first place?

 

That is pretty accurate. I just can't be mature enough to take the high road.

On the other hand, though, I am thinking that it is extremely unfair that the "hurt" party is always the one who has to "move on". Husband screws up, wife has to deal with it. If she can't, she's a single mother and it's not even her fault. Are you kidding me?

 

The issues that we had back then were pretty much his issues. He wasn't very happy with anything. That included job, being far away from family etc. He projected all his problems onto me somehow. That's what he said. He just didn't notice then. Now he feels better about himself, and thus about us, because WE made the changes HE needed to make for himself. Maybe I also expect more thankfulness for that.

[Minnie09]

@ quankanne

 

Your case interests me.

Can you tell me more about it?

[Minnie09]

OP, the worst thing you can do, is not communicate. You have to let go of his ex-wifes' former career, and he needs to be absolutely up-front about his "friend". Both of you need to stop disrespecting each other. This stuff can only be accomplished by talking to each other, so work on your communication , FIRST.

 

I know. But seriously, talking it through and through again, even though he did make a decision on that (i.e. not to see/communicate with her anymore), gives the person more importance than she deserves. Don't you think?

I agree with what you say about communication and being upfront within a marriage, but bringing this subject up again is tricky and I don't know what it would lead to. For him, it's done. It's been discussed. A decision has been made. I have no evidence that anything is still going on. He either tells the truth, or they are both very smart hiding it. Her husband, btw, has always had a problem with them being "friends". If he knew what I know, OMG, that wouldn't be good.

[boundaryproblem]

I'm not sure how old your baby is, but having a child can take so much from us that we have nothing left for ourselves.

 

When my son was young, my mom told me all this. And I ignored her. It took me having blood pressure problems at the age of 35 to make me realize that I cannot help my family if I do not take some time to care for myself.

 

And it isn't selfish - it is necessary.

 

Go for manicure, go for workout in gym, buy cute new outfit, buy some costume jewellery etc. Hire a babysitter and just go have a cup of coffee in a bookstore. Allow yourself to be happy with you.

 

If I were you, those other women would be Nothing to me. Don't give them a second thought. You'll be too busy looking in the mirror at your wonderful new outfit and planning something fun and enjoyable for yourself.

[Sam Spade]

Cudos for recognizing the negative feelings and trying to reconcile them, but other than that your attitude is pretty bad.

perhaps you feel threatened by the ex-wife's striper mojo and mad skilz?

[Minnie09]

Okay, here goes:

 

I found a text message from the "friend" the other night. He was outside working on the car, when the message arrived. I usually don't snoop, not because I'm so morally impeccable, but because I am too afraid he might somehow "notice". You never know, if a phone is not yours, you might change settings without even noticing, etc. He gets easily angry at times, so I avoid all risks. So phone made a sound, incoming msg, it was from a number he hadn't saved in his contacts (on purpose?), did some research, found out it was hers.... According to him, they don't communicate. He chose not to, without me pressuring him. Apparently, it has all been a lie. His long-standing EA that has survived multiple girl-friends/marriages (pls read above), is still on.

 

I am not too surprised. Had a gut feeling. He has always avoided the subject. Has been treating me poorly, and it has gotten worse over time. Now I know why. She's still around. I don't know how to proceed from here. His phone is none of my business. So I can't tell him that I know about his lying. I need some more evidence. This is killing me.

 

I think I want out. Oh, the message said something like "It will all work out in the end. It always does." or something like that. This tells me there have been more discussions before. About what, though? I don't know about anything that needs to be worked out. He has never told me about anything like that, problems at work, or whatever. No idea, really.....

There were no more messages, neither in the inbox nor in the sent folder. I'm assuming they usually communicate through company phones. She may have sent it to the wrong (his private) cell phone number by mistake.

 

I actually just wanted to vent, I guess. I know what I have to do.

My dilemma is my child. He loves his Daddy so much, and he IS a great father.

 

Thank you, guys.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I'm sorry but it sounds like your H is a serial cheater = LOSER! Contact this MW's H if possible...its pretty sad that this is still going on and he probably has no idea...and then when you get things sorted out...LEAVE! runnnnn far away from this situation, don't throw up a bunch of excuses either, your sanity is on the line.

[Minnie09]

Thanks for sharing your opinion, BEJ! I like reading your posts, because they always make sense.

Serial cheater? Maybe. I would think "attention wh*re" would be even more correct. Because that's what he (and she, too) gets out of that EA.

His keeping in touch with many of his exes also shows me that attention is all he wants. It's not the sex at all, it's the feeling of being appreciated and LIKED by many women, and most of all by that particular one.

Why keep it secret, though? Why deny it? I'm not jealous if my partner is upfront with me. But I think he would just be afraid that I might claim the same rights as he does, and as a consequence, form bonds with other guys which may lead to me leaving him. That's what he is afraid of. He probably has low self-esteem.

 

So, the conclusion is: Guys with low self-esteem look for appreciation outside the M, but keep the W on the short leash. Makes sense.

 

It really sucks, btw, if you KNOW something (text MSG) and can't throw it right in his face. That would make my day, week, life!

[BlueeyedJonesy]

So, the conclusion is: Guys with low self-esteem look for appreciation outside the M, but keep the W on the short leash. Makes sense.

 

So TRUE! my lil sis is in the same spot right now!

[Minnie09]

So 20 minutes ago he called from work to tell me he was coming home earlier today. Asked me if I wanted to have a late lunch at his (of course) favorite place. He never comes home earlier than 6.00 pm on Fridays and told me (jokingly) to send my "BF" home, so we wouldn't get "busted".

I know he is trying to be/sound funny, but hey, it is NOT!!! Especially because I know what he's been up to.

 

Excuse me? WTF is going on? Is that a distraction strategy? Is he really that brainless? Gawd, did I marry a complete a$$???

I almost feel embarassed for him now.

He must have a personality disorder.

[sally4sara]

So my husband was married to a stripper. It never bothered me in the beginning of our relationship, we were crazy in love and he treated me like a queen. Initially he told me that his ex-wife was working as a bartender at a high-end gentlemen's club (what a euphemism), but after about 3 months into our relationship he told me that she was actually a "dancer" and that's also how they met. She danced for him naked for money, then they talked and then they met in his hotel room where he stayed during a business trip. He was single at that time, so there is nothing wrong with that in general. She liked him, too and she slept with him because she found him attractive and interesting (which he still is, even though he is eleven years older than me, btw). Anyway, they fell in love and got married. She gave up her job, moved in with him from the big city to the countryside etc. After five years they got divorced, because he screwed up (I am going to explain the reason later).

 

Anyway, as I said, the whole story didn't bother me in the beginning, but now that we have gotten married and the relationship has changed from constant bliss to a normal life, I think about that a lot.

Somehow I resent him for getting married to a hooker and I tell him how I feel about it. Instead of being thankful for having a decent, educated woman by his side, though, he keeps defending her telling me how good of a wife she was, she never slept with anyone for money etc.

I basically knew their love story right from the beginning, but it is only now, after three years, that I feel a little contempt.

This is only because our relationship has changed into something real, with a baby-son and a house and a marriage, and I don't get as much attention as I would want to get. The chase is literally over, and instead of appreciating what he does for the family, I can't get those "he is a loser and I am too good for him" thoughts out of my mind. Why now and how do I get rid of this?

I am so hateful sometimes that I would love to tell his family about her job. They still talk very nicely about her and think she is a saint. He, too, communicates with her on a friendly basis from time to time. She is also remarried and never went back to her old job.

I just don't know why I hate that part of his life so much. I wasn't even there.

I have never met her, either, and I also have no reason to be jealous, as she is not too attractive in my opinion. I don't know.....

That's become such an ordeal all of a sudden. It's none of my business, but I have that desire to constantly pick at him for being such a loser...

Maybe I just hate him for not treating me that special anymore (and YES he did) and somehow want to torture him as a revenge......

But then again-why doesn't he try harder and tell me that I am right?

 

That is a large block of text and I read it, but I'm still confused. Help me out - what is it he needs to tell you you are right about?

 

Why did he screw up his marriage wit an ex-stripper who he thought was gorgeous and had turned into an adorable housewife? Because he had an emotional affair going on at that time with a married woman who he had known for a long time. According to him, they are/were just best friends. It never affected our relationship, except for one incident. We went through a rough patch about a year ago. He never talked about his feelings and problems to anyone, including me. I kept asking him who he shared his thoughts with, since I discussed mine with me best friends (of the same sex, btw, because he wouldn't tolerate my opposite sex friends) and he said "nobody, I don't need to", until I found out that he had communicated with his so-called "best friend" about our problems behind my back. Not with me, not with anyone else, no - it had to be her, who had already ruined a previous marriage of his. This was a one-time incident, but I was still deeply hurt (he asked her if she would stay together with someone only because of a baby, really some bad stuff......) and felt utterly humiliated. (At that time they were hardly in touch anyway, but I wouldn't give him that as a credit, it was just that we had moved away, but now we are back in her neighborhood and I am quite worried.....)

I made a big scene, the whole "friendship" ended and - according to him - they don't communicate anymore. I don't know if I should believe that or not. But well....

I hope I was not too confusing, I am just sometimes emotionally so overloaded that I can't think straight. Thanks for reading.

 

So tell him you don't want some friend he was underhanded with getting to know you through what he divulges about your relationship. He is painting a picture of you to this woman without her knowing who you really are and that is unfair. It segregates you, makes it impossible for you two to even become friends should that even be something you'd consider doing. Ask him why or what he thinks might be behind his motives for wanting to keep his friendship with her separate from his real life and the people he claims are important to him. Especially if he can't tolerate you having men as friends. I think this friendship and this woman have too much baggage to really ever be included, but he needs to change how he cultivates these friendships if he wants to keep them.

[You Go Girl]

I'll tell you what. This EA with this married woman--she is getting the truth (albeit from his egotistical point of view with lots of stroking from her).

You the wife, are getting the lies.

Who is getting the short end of the stick?

And YOU are the one he is supposedly devoted to. HUMPH. NOT.

 

I agree to call the H of this woman. Either these two need to get together like Prince Charles and what's her name--finally marry the right one,

 

OR--he needs some serious smacks in the respect, honor, and love your wife first before anyone else.

I think he always treats his wives as second to whatever is stroking his ego.

Looks like he wants ego stroking from someone he *can't have* forever. Maybe if he married her, he'd find another *secret* gf.

 

He's playing games with your soul. Not acceptable.

[Minnie09]

Sally, I can see now how confusing my OP was. Apologies to all of you. It was written while I was in a state of anger and madness. He had started to pull away and be distant again and I had a feeling MOW might be around again, but I had no evidence. My OP was quite hateful, however, based on insecurity and fear more than anything, I would say. Maybe I should have started a new thread this time. On the other hand, it may provide a little outline of H's personality. Thanks for reading it, though.

 

Jthorne, I am not indifferent and I do hurt. Of course I wanted to know whose phone number that text msg had come from. I'd had a gut feeling for a while and I was proven right. We've had one DDay in the past, which is why I don't want to bring the whole thing up again.

That's what I meant by saying that I didn't want to give it, the EA, the OW any importance

anymore. One DDay is enough. I have to act now. You mention communication. We had it, over and over, but the result was a lie.

 

YGG made me laugh, because you know what? It's really like a Charles and Camilla story and I have thought this many times before. Almost laughable.

Yes, I think they belinge together, deserve each other.

I think I am the 3rd woman in his life who had to endure this EA. And they both know exactly what the are doing. He told me yrs ago that what they had was an EA. At that time, I didn't even know the term, and nobody really used that word yet, but he sure did! Wow! Almost looks like he was proud of it...

 

He must have some kind of a personality disorder. Whatever it is, I have to get my stuff sorted out. No more DDays. He knows what he's doing. She knows what she's doing. Maybe I have always been second best. He's maybe only waiting for her to get divorced. And then I am going to be kicked to the curb anyway. So I will try to be the first to kick.

 

Just don't know where to start.....

Lord, give me strength. A lot!

Edited April 10, 2010 by Minnie09

[LucreziaBorgia]

Where to start? By telling MW's husband everything you know so that he won't be in the 'WTF is going on with this friend' bullsh*t that you had to go through.

[You Go Girl]

You'll find the strength--in YOU, because you have standards, and he does not.

And when you do finally go--Tell Prince Charles (call him that by name) he should finally marry Camilla.

You know, if he wanted a friend in her, he could have done so, openly, non-secretive, all along, and you would have had no problem with it.

He gets off on betrayal.

[troggleputty]

I'd like to hear more about the stripper, please.

[jmargel]

I'm sorry but it sounds like your H is a serial cheater = LOSER! Contact this MW's H if possible...its pretty sad that this is still going on and he probably has no idea...and then when you get things sorted out...LEAVE! runnnnn far away from this situation, don't throw up a bunch of excuses either, your sanity is on the line.

 

Huh? Why is he a cheater? Just because he confides in other women doesn't mean he is cheating. What it means is that he feels he can't talk to his wife anymore about what is going on.

 

This friend of his, is there to listen to him and offer advice, not get defensive and point out his disappointments like what he has been getting.

 

I mean to degrade someone's past because they married is a stripper is not just attacking the ex-wife but him as well. My wife used to work at a strip club as a bartender way before I met her and I don't look down at her for that. You don't judge people on their past.

 

With her attitude of him being a 'loser' why wouldn't he confide in someone else? He has every right, married or not. It's the OP's attitude that is driving him towards this.

 

I have quite a few of female friends that my wife knows about. I confide in two of them, doesn't mean I want a relationship with them or sex. When you try to equate that to us just needing someone to talk to then you are demeaning us men as sex-starved pigs. Try treating us men with some class.

[You Go Girl]

No, jmargel. He LIES.

LIAR. LIAR LIAR.

That's what he is.

A marriage with a liar can never get better. How could it? Think about it, it's impossible.

[jmargel]

Though it's not right for him to lie, he probably feels he has no one to talk to. He can't talk to his wife, why would he? If she is this resentful towards him and his ex then of course he's going to look for an outlet somewhere else.

 

Why tell his wife about his female friend when she's already become vindictive of his ex-wife who has done nothing wrong.

 

IMO he has every right to be able to talk to who he wishes, he really hasn't done anything to be unfaithful. It seems like you are judging him because he found another outlet to discuss his issues.

 

Perhaps if they work on the marriage he wouldn't need to use this friend for advice. But with that aside this woman is just a platonic friend as far as the OP knows. So to assume things are more than that is just another negative in this marriage.