binkie Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I hope you have time for my long, long story. Until recently, I was one of the "lucky" women who never had problems with men. I have sort of a reputation (not proud of it) of being a player. Now that has changed. I've been friends with this man for seven years (we're 27) and we were always really close and open with each other. We had sex in 2003, but nothing ever came of it because I didn't want a relationship then (I was moving several states away). We kept in touch ever since and never had problems talking on the phone for an hour, etc., even talking about other relationships. Two months ago, I saw him for the first time in awhile (due to geography). We are now living relatively close to each other (two hours by train) and I was excited to see my old friend. He was a little tipsy and was immediately all over me, trying to kiss me and asking me where we went wrong that we hadn't ended up getting married. Throughout the night, I started to realize how much I enjoyed his company & how attractive he is. He asked me if I would ever consider being his girlfriend and I didn't know what to say, so I just smiled. After that night, we talked nonstop for three days. I followed his lead as far as communication (only called/texted when he called/texted me) and then something strange happened. He started texting only once or twice a day. This drove me wild with frustration. I went to see him two weeks after that first night and we had another great time. He asked if I was in love with him, and also if I was going to "stomp on his heart." I said I would never do that to him, but denied being in love with him. I said "let's just have fun and see where it takes us." But the truth is, by that point I was madly in love with him. We hung out again another two weeks later, and after that visit he was calling me several times a day, and told me he thought about me all the time. I told him I thought about him all the time too and he responded "are you just being sarcastic?" For two weeks, the communication was great, but he was on a long business trip, away from home, which looking back now is probably why... he was just lonely. When he returned home, the calls stopped and it was just texting. After five days with only texts and no phone calls, I texted him "do you still like me?" He wrote back "yes of course, goofball, I've been hanging out with my family. I do like you and miss you. Stop it." But my gut was telling me something was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it. Every other time a guy has shown interest like this, he has called me nonstop. I saw him two days after that text conversation, and he was 40 minutes late picking me up from the train station. I was so angry but I kept calm and didn't yell. I just gave him a strong look and said "you know you did wrong, let's just move on from this." We had a great time, but I was so confused about how he felt about me, I ended up getting too tipsy and saying weird things like "I might hook up with other people during the next few months." Seriously, I was being nuts. He told me about some girl who was coming to visit him, and that he didn't want her to visit him. They have hooked up in the past, but he assured me he wasn't interested in her. He said he hadn't invited her and she was just crazy, and he planned to be out of town when she was visiting. But I know better than to believe that a girl would just, out of the blue, travel across the country for a man. The next day he dropped me off at the train station two hours before my train, and paid for the difference on a ticket so I could get an earlier train. I couldn't help feeling he wanted to get rid of me. He asked when he could see me again and, since I was hurt, I said it probably wasn't a good idea to see each other for awhile. He looked so upset and said "you're freaking me out. Why? Because I was late last night?" Eventually my heart won out and I took back what I said and promised to come visit him again in November. The next day, I decided to start ignoring his texts because I was so frustrated that he had stopped calling. He texted me three times on two different days before I finally texted back. I told him I had been thinking about "us" a lot and was really confused. The next day I wrote him this e-mail, and haven't heard from him AT ALL since (it was two days ago): "Are you around November 20 or 21? Pick one. Not if that other girl is still going to visit you though. I don't want to put my muffin where another girl just had hers. You've been a slackerassmofo since getting back from your trip, but I still want only you. I'm not telling you what to do, so don't go and 'freak out.' Do what you want to do, babe." Did I totally blow this relationship? I am devastated. This isn't just a random hook-up, he has been my friend for a long time. I am so lovesick and heartbroken. I really appreciate any help/insight with this. I have vowed not to contact him for 30 days.
boogieboy Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 You didnt blow the relationship....you never had it. No one has a girl visiting them that he doesnt want, your instinct was right, he's a liar, so you got played.
Author binkie Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 You didnt blow the relationship....you never had it. No one has a girl visiting them that he doesnt want, your instinct was right, he's a liar, so you got played. That's what I thought... ugh how frustrating. He even went so far as to say "I told my dad about how this crazy girl is trying to visit me and he said it's my own fault." Then he swore he would be out of town for work that week and he wasn't going to see her. What a jerk!!!
Author binkie Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 You didnt blow the relationship....you never had it. No one has a girl visiting them that he doesnt want, your instinct was right, he's a liar, so you got played. Was the e-mail I wrote to him crazy? I honestly didn't think it was. I was giving him a chance to be honest with me -- out of respect for our seven year friendship! Why didn't he just let me end things at the train station when I tried? His ego, you think?
torranceshipman Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I'd interpret this a completely different way - he's always been completely upfront aout his feelings but you've constantly hidden the way you felt, and made yourself sound like you have casual feelings for him, like you're going to hook up with others, how it isn't a good idea to see eachother, etc...he was hurt by your behavior many times, and it sounds like he just got sick of your apparent flakiness. He gave you enough chances! So he is doing the healthy thing for him and moving on. Even your recent email sounds totally harsh - ordering him to choose a day to see you, calling him a mofo, making things sound cold...it is yet more clarification for him that you are not a good bet for a loving R. You do all this yet you also expect him to be single and waiting for you all the time? If you want to save this R I'd suggest it is salvageable, possibly, but lay it out on the line in an email or a call and say TRUTHFULLY how you've been too scared to be honest with him, that you're in love with him, want to be committed, and are sorry for the repeated harshness (walls being put up so you don't get hurt, etc). Put that out there-don't try to be cool-be honest - and then see what happens. Good luck!
Author binkie Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 I'd interpret this a completely different way - he's always been completely upfront aout his feelings but you've constantly hidden the way you felt, and made yourself sound like you have casual feelings for him, like you're going to hook up with others, how it isn't a good idea to see eachother, etc...he was hurt by your behavior many times, and it sounds like he just got sick of your apparent flakiness. He gave you enough chances! So he is doing the healthy thing for him and moving on. Even your recent email sounds totally harsh - ordering him to choose a day to see you, calling him a mofo, making things sound cold...it is yet more clarification for him that you are not a good bet for a loving R. You do all this yet you also expect him to be single and waiting for you all the time? If you want to save this R I'd suggest it is salvageable, possibly, but lay it out on the line in an email or a call and say TRUTHFULLY how you've been too scared to be honest with him, that you're in love with him, want to be committed, and are sorry for the repeated harshness (walls being put up so you don't get hurt, etc). Put that out there-don't try to be cool-be honest - and then see what happens. Good luck! I have thought about this possibility, but my "gut" is telling me boogie's response is correct. I told him that I care about him, and did text him many times that I miss him. I also told him during our last meeting that he was my baby. If he really liked me, he would have called, not just texted -- and that's what really started to hurt me and make me go a little crazy. I am really scared of getting hurt. But I guess I have already been really hurt by this. I cannot stop crying!
torranceshipman Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Those are nice things, but why should HE call, not text, when your methods of saying you missed him was in TEXTS?? The nice things you said came along with stuff that made him feel insecure, too...so it all needs to be way more consistent and on the level now for him to feel secure in believing it and taking a chance on you. It might be hard for him to take your nice words at face value because of the mixed messages he's been getting.
boogieboy Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Was the e-mail I wrote to him crazy? I honestly didn't think it was. I was giving him a chance to be honest with me -- out of respect for our seven year friendship! Why didn't he just let me end things at the train station when I tried? His ego, you think? Dont lie to yourself, Once you guys slept together it isnt a friendship anymore, so theres nothing to have respect for. Actually it was never a friendship since there was a lingering tension. The email was crazy. Hes not going to be honest when he wants to see 2 girls at once. He doesnt know if you will bail on him. Women generally dont stick around when you tell them that they arent the only one. Thats also why he didnt let you end things at the train station, he wants to be able to hit it again, and not close the door. If you want to continue to be an FWB for a chance to have a reltionship, you can try it, but with all the flakiness between you two, Its pretty much a miss.
Author binkie Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Dont lie to yourself, Once you guys slept together it isnt a friendship anymore, so theres nothing to have respect for. Actually it was never a friendship since there was a lingering tension. The email was crazy. Hes not going to be honest when he wants to see 2 girls at once. He doesnt know if you will bail on him. Women generally dont stick around when you tell them that they arent the only one. Thats also why he didnt let you end things at the train station, he wants to be able to hit it again, and not close the door. If you want to continue to be an FWB for a chance to have a reltionship, you can try it, but with all the flakiness between you two, Its pretty much a miss. I realize now that the e-mail was crazy. It was an attempt for me to get him to say "She isn't visiting, and I only want you, too." Love makes people do crazy things right? I am seriously considering putting my dignity/self respect on the line and just accepting a purely sexual relationship. Ugh. Boogie, I appreciate your harsh honestly. I need a swift kick in the butt right now.
boogieboy Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I realize now that the e-mail was crazy. It was an attempt for me to get him to say "She isn't visiting, and I only want you, too." Love makes people do crazy things right? I am seriously considering putting my dignity/self respect on the line and just accepting a purely sexual relationship. Ugh. Boogie, I appreciate your harsh honestly. I need a swift kick in the butt right now. Not many people can take this kind of talk without getting defensive, I applaud you. You really do need to sever your attachment to this guy (if it is a FWB) and go find a guy who wants you alone. I understand it sucks to have to start over when you have no prospects to start with, but you have to do it. So you can either go along with the FWB, or stop talking to him entirely. This is not a real friendship to carry on with, and for your sanity you need to move on and not hang onto him in any way.
Fallen1 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Hiya.... Maybe listen to your gut. I always try to. If your want to really sort it out, take control of the situation. It would appear that the communication has got a bit garbled on both sides, due to various issues. Maybe call or email him. Explain how you feel in a straightforward honest way, no drama. Ask him how he feels and give him a time limit to respond. Being direct is respectful to both of you, gives you a clear voice as to your feelings and the situation from your point of view, and gives him an opening. If you get a response then you know how he feels. If you get no response then you can get your head around it and move on. Good luck...
Author binkie Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 Hiya.... Maybe listen to your gut. I always try to. If your want to really sort it out, take control of the situation. It would appear that the communication has got a bit garbled on both sides, due to various issues. Maybe call or email him. Explain how you feel in a straightforward honest way, no drama. Ask him how he feels and give him a time limit to respond. Being direct is respectful to both of you, gives you a clear voice as to your feelings and the situation from your point of view, and gives him an opening. If you get a response then you know how he feels. If you get no response then you can get your head around it and move on. Good luck... So yesterday evening he texts me out of the blue, with no mention of my crazy e-mail. He isn't really a "tough guy" -- I think he might be kind of sensitive. He grew up with three sisters and all that kind of stuff. I think he might honestly believe that I am sleeping around. A little more background is that we were on a "summer abroad" program together during college, and he saw firsthand the callous way I treated men. But I was freakin' 20 years old then!! Who isn't a bit insensitive at that age? I have decided I'm just going to take it slow with him, and take things at his pace. I don't want to make any emotional declarations of how I love him, because I think that would freak him out.
blurbie Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Tell him you love him, but give him a few weeks to miss you. Put space between you & him by not answering his texts, and things like that. I am a woman though, so I might be giving you the wrong advice. You should take advice from a man on this one.
drillman Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 its obvious that hes trying to have his cake and eat it too. but, if you really want this man, then give him a direction on how to win you instead of pushing him away. you are right to be angry, but you could appeal to his heart, tell him that you really want him, and let him know what you need. ibet the other girl is trying to do just that and thats why you havent heard anything. be more of a draw than she is, and he'll be yours....maybe completely if he has it in him to be monogamous.
Author binkie Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Can I just ask... WHAT IF the whole part about the other girl coming to visit wasn't in my story? If that part never happened, doesn't it seem like he was into me? Or am I just being delusional now?
boogieboy Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Can I just ask... WHAT IF the whole part about the other girl coming to visit wasn't in my story? If that part never happened, doesn't it seem like he was into me? Or am I just being delusional now? Youre grasping for anything right now. That part IS in the story, and you dont want to try to omit it, because its the most important part. Even then, there is the week of no communication, and him practically pushing you onto the train. Then theres the lie of him having a woman over that he "doesnt want to hang with". Guys dont do that.
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