What if I never see my ex again

[Fluffsticle]

I just wanted to air my thoughts....

 

I've come out of a long term relationship a year and a half ago. The relationship seemed to consume itself and we lost who we were and that made us unhappy in the end.

 

I have since moved on, and so has he.

 

But I don't love my new partner in the same way that I loved my ex. I miss that type of love, and I want to feel that with someone more than anything again.

 

Do you ever worry that something could happen your ex and you could possibly never see them again? I live in a different part of the country to my ex and we never see eachother and we have no contact. Sometimes my heart still bleeds to see him, to talk to him, to just see that look in his eyes when he looks at me.

 

Is this normal after a break up? I'm not sure if I still have feelings for him. I sometimes dream about him, and it makes me happy, and I still think of him every day.

It's bearable being away from him, knowing that someday I may bump into him again, but thinking that he could perhaps die and I would never see him again, nor would I ever know that he has gone breaks my heart all over again.

 

I have learned to live with the breakup, and I am a strong Person, but everyone has their down days.

 

Does anyone ever feel like this?

How will I stop feeling this? This is what drives me to be weak and want to email him (which I haven't done).

 

Thanks, any words???

[Ms. Joolie]

Hi, Fluffsticle! First off, your screen name makes me smile... it's fun. haha. I read your comment in rocky33's thread and was so interested in reading more about what you were going through. So I found your original thread. Thank you for sharing, I definitely learned something from it.

 

I don't have an answer for you in this thread, but I feel your suffering. I am at the same place that you are at now.

 

The man I love is there... he's there. And I am *here*. I feel like we should be together. Yet, in the relationship, it just never worked out. After more than 3 years of on and off dating it just never worked out. You may guess the story behind that from rocky33's thread.

 

And I'm sorry that I don't have anything helpful to say! I hope you get some good input on this thread.

 

But what SHOULD we do? Shouldn't the guy take initiative if he's really interested? Or have we pushed him away so much that now WE should take the initiative? I don't know the answer. All I know is that it's going to take SOMEONE to TAKE THE ACTION needed to RESOLVE this!

 

In my case, my ex still contacts me with chit chat... don't know what he wants. He could just be checking in on me. He could just send a BS email because it's been hard letting go. I don't know.

 

But SOMETHING needs to be done... right? It just seems we can't let this love go unless SOMEONE takes some sort of risk.

[GrayClouds]

I just wanted to air my thoughts....

 

I've come out of a long term relationship a year and a half ago. The relationship seemed to consume itself and we lost who we were and that made us unhappy in the end.

 

I have since moved on, and so has he.

 

But I don't love my new partner in the same way that I loved my ex. I miss that type of love, and I want to feel that with someone more than anything again.

 

Do you ever worry that something could happen your ex and you could possibly never see them again? I live in a different part of the country to my ex and we never see eachother and we have no contact. Sometimes my heart still bleeds to see him, to talk to him, to just see that look in his eyes when he looks at me.

 

Is this normal after a break up? I'm not sure if I still have feelings for him. I sometimes dream about him, and it makes me happy, and I still think of him every day.

It's bearable being away from him, knowing that someday I may bump into him again, but thinking that he could perhaps die and I would never see him again, nor would I ever know that he has gone breaks my heart all over again.

 

I have learned to live with the breakup, and I am a strong Person, but everyone has their down days.

 

Does anyone ever feel like this?

How will I stop feeling this? This is what drives me to be weak and want to email him (which I haven't done).

 

Thanks, any words???

 

 

The person you knew is gone. He was the guy you were in a relationship, now the relationship is over and you both have changed. Break up do that. You will always have your memories of him but while you learned to live with the break this post reflects that you have not completely heeled from it. It will take more time but at some point it you will get to the point that it wont really matter if you were to see him again.

[Ms. Joolie]

At the same time, I think we are being silly. Why can't we let this go? What are we holding on to???

 

It's silly. Like we should just move on and let the past alone.

[GrayClouds]

The person you knew is gone. He was the guy you were in a relationship, now the relationship is over and you both have changed. Break up do that. You will always have your memories of him but while you learned to live with the break this post reflects that you have not completely healed from it. It will take more time but at some point it you will get to the point that it wont really matter if you were to see him again.

 

 

And Jollie...

 

In my case, my ex still contacts me with chit chat... don't know what he wants. He could just be checking in on me. He could just send a BS email because it's been hard letting go. I don't know.

 

If your truly interested in having a relationship with this man, simplely ask him what he wants, and be willing to express your intentions. Otherwise your just playing a game of being coy while stringing him along. If your not interested tell him directly that fact and go No Contact so he can and will move on and heal. Anything less then that is selfish.

[Ronni_W]

Sometimes my heart still bleeds to see him, to talk to him, to just see that look in his eyes when he looks at me.

Yeah...I do have someone about whom I still sometimes have those types of thoughts (except for the "bleeding heart" part.) For me it has been years and years and years but, I do recall that I also used to do that thing about running into him somewhere, somehow.

But. If we don't ever see them again, we will carry on just as we are and have been doing. What other choice do we really have?

 

There is a certain 'quality' of my experiences with this guy that I had not felt before and have not, since. But, not feeling all the same things in exactly the "same way" doesn't make my new love relationship "less than".

It took me many years and a lot of internal crap, but one can come to realization that our capacity to love has been enriched: we can more clearly see our love interest for their "core" qualities, and we are actually loving them in a deeper way...which, of course, is not "the same".

 

At least, that's where I am now. And still, sometimes I wouldn't at all mind just seeing and hearing the other guy. That just is the way it is for me, and I've just had to make it okay within myself.

 

On the other side, I also know this: We'll get together and it'll be so great. Then he'll start doing what he does, and I'll start doing what I do...and 'fore we know it, all the same old crap will just be there in full force again.

 

That doesn't happen in my current love relationship. We do have that 'deeper' thing that allows us to work through our crap together and not let our relationship consume itself or either one of us.

 

But. I know where you are, and it sucks. I did quite a few a LOT of therapy sessions around it: cognitive, past life, akashic, chakra cording...you name it, I did it . When you're in the throes of it, it is overwhelming, exhausting and depleting, and...Oh God, how it sucks!

 

I think, just be super-compassionate with yourself. Try, as best you can, to focus on the positives of your new love relationship. I don't like saying, "it will get better over time" -- there's really nothing comforting in hearing that. But. In my case, it got better over time...and with all that therapy, like I mentioned.

 

Hugs. LOTS of hugs. I know where you are.

[Ms. Joolie]

And Jollie...

If your truly interested in having a relationship with this man, simplely ask him what he wants, and be willing to express your intentions. Otherwise your just playing a game of being coy while stringing him along. If your not interested tell him directly that fact and go No Contact so he can and will move on and heal. Anything less then that is selfish.

 

Thanks, GrayClouds. Good point. It's hard telling him "no". I don't want to turn him away. I don't want to give up on us. I know he's out being single, and I know he's out there looking... so it's not like I have him tied up. It's just that he keeps contacting me and I don't know why.

 

It's torture. HE JUST CONTACTED ME NOW, THIS HOUR. Read:

"I'm taking salsa a bit more seriously than my C & W classes a couple years back. Going twice a week (this week 3 times), practicing here and there. I could teach you everything I've learned since I know the details. Have a salsa cd, etc. That would be so safe."

 

See? See how he plays with me? I've told him no contact. We've tried. We've tried! I can't turn him away! I don't know what to do, or HOW to tell him to go away of if I want to tell him that. I've told him NC before! What is my next move... Ugh.

 

I'm so sorry Fluffsticle... don't mean to go off on your thread like this. Should probably rant in my own thread.

[BCCA]

You know, one of the unfortunate side effects of a break up is that you lose a friend at the same time. All of a sudden, this person who was so close to you now seems so far away. Its only natural to wonder about if youll ever see them again.

 

As Im sure you realized, though, even if you did - it would probably be dissapointing. It never turns out as well as you had hoped, and usually just re-opens a can of worms thats better left closed. Unless you have moved on, are content and happy with your current situation, and could care less if you see them or not, its probably best not to, anyway.

[BCCA]

What is my next move... Ugh.

 

You ignore him.

[GrayClouds]

Fluffsticle it is logical to have mixed feeling, but resist giving mix signals like:

 

Thanks, GrayClouds.

It's hard telling him "no". VS I don't want to turn him away.

I don't want to give up on us. VS See? See how he plays with me?

I can't turn him away! VS It's just that he keeps contacting me and I don't know why.

 

It's torture.

 

No it is not, deep down inside you kind of like it. It is natural, we all enjoy being perused but the mature person does it with the intention that they can be caught. For you it's appears to be little more then an ego boost.

 

What is my next move... Ugh.

 

If your being TRUELY honest about what your saying...

Tell him succinctly NC, if he cares about you at all he will follow it. If he does not then get a new then get a new phone #, email, block him on facebook, ect. IF he continues, that is not sweet but stalking. If your being TRULY honest about what your saying...

"There can be no Peace, Joy or Contentment in your heart, if the things you say are different to the things you do"

 

Edited October 30, 2009 by GrayClouds

[Ms. Joolie]

Ugh. Yes, I get so conflicted when I hear from him. It's a matter of letting go. Am I really ready to let go? Am I really going to let go? You're right, there is a twisted pleasure in continuing correspondence with him. I know I have to either 1) address it with him in a very direct manner or 2) ignore it.

 

If he emails again, I will address it with him very directly. I can't have this stupid and insignificant email exchange between me tying me down.... makes me feel good, you know? Like there is still hope for us. Yet I don't want to ruin the chance of us getting back together again...

 

What a dork I am, creating this mess myself and keeping it this way. Thank you for the feedback. And I have told him no contact... he didn't listen. That is disrespectful. But I do keep writing back... I'm so weak. Guess I should read all those NC threads on here... maybe THAT'S why I've been avoiding those threads. lol

 

Fluffsticle, it's a matter of addressing it directly with him or honestly letting it go.. honestly letting it go. Perhaps this is our answer.

Edited October 30, 2009 by Ms. Joolie

[BCCA]

Joolie,

 

Its a matter of letting go for him, too. Actions speak louder than words, and if you say NC, but still take his calls...he's going to be confused, and question how serious you were with your request.

[GrayClouds]

Here are the two best:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

[Fluffsticle]

Folks,

 

Thanks for your replies, and Joolie don't worry about the thread. It's great to know I'm not the only Mad one out there!

 

I cut all contact with my ex 6 months ago after he came back declaring that he has made a mistake and he would do anything to win me back again.

 

(I would advise that you do the same. I blocked his mails, and changed my phone number, and I asked him to change his unername on a few forums! (because I couldn't help myself) He did that for me. I asked him to just let me go, even though I knew I was still hanging on a little. I knew what I had to do. I still wonder about him, but it will be best for if you if you cut contact and focus on you.)

 

I realised that neither of us could go back. Maybe it was too soon, the hurt of being with other People was still there. So it ended at that after a few conversations and happy weeks thinking we could be back together.

 

I'm not saying that I would like him back in a relationship. I just wonder will I ever get to see him and warm my hands in his armpits again when they're cold, or do the monkey walk.. or you know to just talk to him again about things.

 

A part of m feels that we will meet someday, and he will fall in love with me again. Because now I believe I am a better person. But i know when I see him that I won't feel anything for him. And I think that's so sad. Because when we broke up I loved him so much. I loved him more than I loved me.

 

On the other hand, thanks for your advice about all relationships being different.

I've just had the most amazing weekend with my current boyfriend. He took me Ice Skating as a surprise, and it was so much fun. He has the grace of a Pig, bless him, and nearly crushed about 5 Children! But I love that about him.

We just laughed and joked all weekend. It was great.

 

Tbh, I know that my boyfriend now is better for me now. He accepts me for who I am on my good days and my bad. And my bad days he understands, cos he has days just like them too. He thinks on his part that it was love at first sight. I know in my heart that he will not let me down, nor will he stop loving me. He would support me to the end. Perhaps he's more of a realist and doesn't expect a relationship to be perfect all of the time.

 

Maybe I am being too hasty judging my new relationship. And I have to stop comparing it to something that just wasn't perfect after all.

 

Tonight I'm throwing the rose tinted glasses in the fire!

[GrayClouds]

 

Tonight I'm throwing the rose tinted glasses in the fire!

 

I would not say throw them away, but be aware when you have your rose tint on.

I just wonder will I ever get to see him and warm my hands in his armpits again when they're cold, or do the monkey walk.. or you know to just talk to him again about things.

It is those seemingly unremarkable little moments that you share with a person that have such surprisingly impact and longevity ofter the relationship is over.

 

Being in those moments and reminding yourself of their significant is something we all can strive for when the next relationship comes along. Not only does it help develop a deeper intimacy, it also can help reinforce the good in the relationship when the harder times comes along. Those "little" moments remembered can give real substance to the bigger question why do I love this person. Often those things remember are more tangible reinforcement then generalities of their nice, kind, funny, good person ect. For the latter items can describe a lot of people while those little specifics is something only you two shared. Which make them so hard to let them go.

Edited November 3, 2009 by GrayClouds