LonelyTiger Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I can't believe I'm posting on this forum. I can't believe any of this is happening. It’s unreal!!! I’m sorry this is so long but it’s as short as I can make it: I've known my husband since we were children and we've loved each other for 35 years. I was the love of his life and he was mine. We were childhood sweethearts. We went our separate ways as teenagers, and he got married to somebody else, which lasted about 7 years. Then we got together as adults 15 years ago and married 10 years ago. I’m 44, he’s 45. We had our ups and downs the same as all couples but he always worshipped the ground I walked on. Things started getting really tough a few years ago and I did everything I could think of to keep us together. Eventually we agreed on some time apart and he took a job overseas in Summer 2008 on a 2 year contract. (He worked abroad at the very beginning of our relationship too). I felt like my whole world had ended being separated from him after so long together. We'd never spent more than a few days apart before that. We continued to work at it and I thought things were really beginning to improve. He contacted me every day and sent me texts telling me that he loved me, that 'losing me would be the worst thing in the world' and that we would work it out and live happily ever after! He came home for two holidays and we had a really good time together. At Easter he held me like he never wanted to let me go. We booked a holiday for this Summer and a big romantic holiday for Summer 2010. Then he decided to take a ‘promotion’ which meant he would be extending his contract for another year. He told me about it before hand but didn’t tell me when the interview came up or that he’d got the job. That’s when things took a downward turn. He came back in June this year and I barely recognised him! He announced that he no longer wanted to be committed to our marriage. But he still wanted to hang out with me over the Summer and still go on the holiday with me!!! He was with me for about 8 weeks! I got ill while we were away and he turned back into my loving husband very briefly before disappearing off to the other side of the world at the end of August and I’ve barely heard from him since. He has apparently totally checked out. I get the odd casually friendly email once in a blue moon and that’s about it - despite the fact that he’s left me running the house and a joint business. He’s not even sending over the money that he originally promised when he knows I don’t have enough to pay the bills. The man I married, the man I have loved all my life, would NEVER have done this to me. It’s like an alien has taken over his body!!! I have no real evidence, but I am 99% sure there must be somebody else. It’s the only thing that fits. I did ask him but he denied it of course. He is planning to come home for a week at Christmas, leaving just before New Year, and I don't understand why! If he doesn't want me in his life the rest of the year, why does he want to come here at Christmas. If his girlfriend (?) isn't available then why doesn't he go to his parents. He doesn't communicate with me so I can't even ask him until he gets here. The whole thing is just totally screwing with my head. I have hit a major low recently and I just can’t get myself out of it. One minute I’m so angry I want to kill him and the next I’m so depressed I want to kill myself. I seem to have an endless supply of tears. I have lots of good friends who are trying to support me, and my parents ring me daily to check up on me, but nobody seems to really understand what I’m going through. I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel as though I’m drowning and I desperately need help! Otherwise I think I’m going to go under and never come back up. It’s like a never ending nightmare – can somebody please tell me when this pain is going to stop!
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I can't believe I'm posting on this forum. I can't believe any of this is happening. It’s unreal!!! I’m sorry this is so long but it’s as short as I can make it: I've known my husband since we were children and we've loved each other for 35 years. I was the love of his life and he was mine. We were childhood sweethearts. We went our separate ways as teenagers, and he got married to somebody else, which lasted about 7 years. Then we got together as adults 15 years ago and married 10 years ago. I’m 44, he’s 45. We had our ups and downs the same as all couples but he always worshipped the ground I walked on. Things started getting really tough a few years ago and I did everything I could think of to keep us together. Eventually we agreed on some time apart and he took a job overseas in Summer 2008 on a 2 year contract. (He worked abroad at the very beginning of our relationship too). I felt like my whole world had ended being separated from him after so long together. We'd never spent more than a few days apart before that. We continued to work at it and I thought things were really beginning to improve. He contacted me every day and sent me texts telling me that he loved me, that 'losing me would be the worst thing in the world' and that we would work it out and live happily ever after! He came home for two holidays and we had a really good time together. At Easter he held me like he never wanted to let me go. We booked a holiday for this Summer and a big romantic holiday for Summer 2010. Then he decided to take a ‘promotion’ which meant he would be extending his contract for another year. He told me about it before hand but didn’t tell me when the interview came up or that he’d got the job. That’s when things took a downward turn. He came back in June this year and I barely recognised him! He announced that he no longer wanted to be committed to our marriage. But he still wanted to hang out with me over the Summer and still go on the holiday with me!!! He was with me for about 8 weeks! I got ill while we were away and he turned back into my loving husband very briefly before disappearing off to the other side of the world at the end of August and I’ve barely heard from him since. He has apparently totally checked out. I get the odd casually friendly email once in a blue moon and that’s about it - despite the fact that he’s left me running the house and a joint business. He’s not even sending over the money that he originally promised when he knows I don’t have enough to pay the bills. The man I married, the man I have loved all my life, would NEVER have done this to me. It’s like an alien has taken over his body!!! I have no real evidence, but I am 99% sure there must be somebody else. It’s the only thing that fits. I did ask him but he denied it of course. He is planning to come home for a week at Christmas, leaving just before New Year, and I don't understand why! If he doesn't want me in his life the rest of the year, why does he want to come here at Christmas. If his girlfriend (?) isn't available then why doesn't he go to his parents. He doesn't communicate with me so I can't even ask him until he gets here. The whole thing is just totally screwing with my head. I have hit a major low recently and I just can’t get myself out of it. One minute I’m so angry I want to kill him and the next I’m so depressed I want to kill myself. I seem to have an endless supply of tears. I have lots of good friends who are trying to support me, and my parents ring me daily to check up on me, but nobody seems to really understand what I’m going through. I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel as though I’m drowning and I desperately need help! Otherwise I think I’m going to go under and never come back up. It’s like a never ending nightmare – can somebody please tell me when this pain is going to stop! LT - First I want to say I am SO sorry you are going thru this. I am going thru a horrible breakup (divorce) now and I've felt pain that I never imagined possible so I can definitley sympathize. It sure sounds like there is someone else. You don't know it now but coming to LS.org is one of the best things you could have done. I've been helped thru my mess tremendously by wonderful caring folks like you and I that have been or are going thru heartbreak. You will get excellent advice. The world feels horrible right now but it is truly a wonderful place so please NEVER think those horrible thoughts again like you mentioned in your next to last paragraph. Keep leaning on your support system, talk about things, let the H know YOU want to work things out - then you need to focus on yourself. YOU can not control him or the situation. You can only control Lonely Tiger. Be strong. Know that you are a wonderful person and the world is brighter because of you. I will read the other posts that are sure to come for you. Hang in there... PEACE!
Beebie Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Lonely Tiger I'm really sorry to read what's happening to you. I only joined this board a month ago and I'm really glad I did. I've got some great advice from people who are going through EXACTLY the same thing. I'm sorry to say this but, from what you say, I would bet my last penny there is someone else. It's very hard to believe that someone you've known for so long, and been married to, could just change and become virtually an "alien" to you. Usually, when a partner is "playing away from home", it goes on for quite some time before they drop the bombshell of wanting out of the marriage. They have time to plan and work it all out in their heads and then Whack! - they drop it on you like a ton of bricks. Your H's silence now, apart from the odd casual email, is probably his guilt kicking in. Is there any way you could find some evidence? I had to snoop on my H's computer where I found my evidence. It's an awful thing to do, I know, but nobody on my H's side would have told me anything. Of course, your H could be going through a mid-life crisis. Sometimes, people going through MLC just lose themselves. They think and do things they would never have previously considered. In your case, if this is all it is, then there could possibly be a way back for you. The key is getting to the bottom of what's really going on and that is hard, especially if they won't communicate. Keep posting LT. You'll find all the help and support you need on here. We are all hurting and you'll have friends here who totally understand what you're going through.
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Lonely Tiger I'm really sorry to read what's happening to you. I only joined this board a month ago and I'm really glad I did. I've got some great advice from people who are going through EXACTLY the same thing. I'm sorry to say this but, from what you say, I would bet my last penny there is someone else. It's very hard to believe that someone you've known for so long, and been married to, could just change and become virtually an "alien" to you. Usually, when a partner is "playing away from home", it goes on for quite some time before they drop the bombshell of wanting out of the marriage. They have time to plan and work it all out in their heads and then Whack! - they drop it on you like a ton of bricks. Your H's silence now, apart from the odd casual email, is probably his guilt kicking in. Is there any way you could find some evidence? I had to snoop on my H's computer where I found my evidence. It's an awful thing to do, I know, but nobody on my H's side would have told me anything. Of course, your H could be going through a mid-life crisis. Sometimes, people going through MLC just lose themselves. They think and do things they would never have previously considered. In your case, if this is all it is, then there could possibly be a way back for you. The key is getting to the bottom of what's really going on and that is hard, especially if they won't communicate. Keep posting LT. You'll find all the help and support you need on here. We are all hurting and you'll have friends here who totally understand what you're going through. LT - My 47 yr old STBXW (soon to be ex-wife) went thru a HUGE mid-life crisis (MLC) and left a good M for an 18 yr old BF. She wanted nothing to do with trying to work it out. She like forgot about 16 yrs. of mostly great times. It's like she thinks we were together for 16 mins.!!!! If you want to read my thread about MLC it is the one called "My STBXW and HER Midlife Crisis". Good Luck LT!!
scatterd Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I feel like time away has hurt.Maybe someone has come in his life but he has to still have feelings for you.Try to think about your self and children,He could still come around but dont count on it keep your self in mind do things that make you feel good.That is alot of years you have so much invested into your family.I hope things will get better for you this is a hurt like no other.Nothing can replace your time together. I wish I had all the right words to help you.Stay busy It will get better.My prayers are with you. :bunny:
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 LT - How are hanging in there? I am just posting so this mostly so it goes back up to the top ot the list of threads and gets visibility. LS folks, please post some great advice and words and encouragement for LT. She could use this NOW.
LisaUk Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Hi LT When I came here back in June, I was a wreck, I thought it was never going to get any better. (My ex left me after we set the date to marry after 18 years together from highschool). I'm not saying I am over it and there are times I sink right back down into it all again, but the pain does fade, it's not so consuming, not so frequent and not all the time. Right now it probably feels like you will never feel like you again, you will. I too would also hazard a guess he has an OW. You need to dig! And no it's not a terrible thing to do, what he's doing is a terrible thing to do to someone, you having a dig around is finding information that your H should respect you enough to give you anyway and also self protection. It also sounds like he is cake eating. This is often done by women having affairs, stringing along the H until they are secure enough with the OM to leave. They keep the H on the string incase it doesn't work out with the OM. It applies to men and OW also. There is a lady on here called Hopes and Dreams who H is the most guilty man of this I have ever come across on LS. He's left her, they are divorcing, he knows she knows he is living with the OW and yet still he keeps her hanging on, saying he's unhappy with the OW, sending her e-mails and so on. It's torture for the poor women. It sounds like your H met someone and over the time he has/is away he is keeping you around, waiting it out, until he is certain the OW will work out, hence why the less frequent e-mails, visits etc, don't kid yourself it's guilt, men who do this have no guilt IMO. I know this is hard, but you need to get incrediably strong about this, dig around, get your proof and then sock it to him, her or me (just be certain you can live with his choice if he decides to go), but don't allow him to keep you in a never ending limbo, you deserve better than that and you deserve better than a cheating H, no matter what your problems have been in the marriage, there's no excuse for it. Keep posting, the people here are great, I don't know what I would have done without LS to get me through this, just take one hour at a time, don't think too far ahead, it's too much right now, just one hour, then the next. Try to eat and get sleep (difficult I know) and remember you will get through this. Hugs.
Author LonelyTiger Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 Thank you all for your kind words and your support and thank you FeelingLonely for bumping my thread, that's a lovely thing to do. I have had possibly one of the worst days today though I don't know why. I haven't stopped crying for most of it and got back into bed this afternoon to try and sleep through the day. I got a couple of hours which I guess I must have needed. I'm just emotionally exhausted right now. I have no children, which may be a good thing but consequently I have no motivation to get me through the day either. Just two cats who I swear are probably the real reason my husband is coming home at Christmas. He never, ever sends his love to me in emails these days but I'm sometimes asked to give the cats extra cuddles from him!!! I can't get evidence of what's going on in his life because he isn't here anymore. I just 'know' from his behaviour that someone else must be involved. He hid his emails from me during the Summer and his phone was always hidden too, in his trouser pockets I presume. He always used to leave it lying about. I noticed him sending or 'looking for' texts too when he thought I wasn't looking. A MLC is definitely a possibility. He was eyeing up and flirting with another (younger) woman when we were on holiday which is something I have never seen him do openly in front of me in all the time I have known him. That hurt me almost more than anything else because he was showing a total disregard for my feelings. I told him back in August that I wanted to work things out but he more or less said he couldn't be bothered. Now I'm starting to hate him and if the man I have loved all my life is gone, then I certainly don't want to be with the imposter who has taken his place. You don't treat somebody you love with the apparent indifference that he is now showing. He is thinking only of himself and his needs and I don't figure anywhere in that equation. I'm going to try and sleep now and just hope that I will wake feeling better tomorrow. Thank you again for reading my long posts as I know I'm probably ranting quite a lot right now.
torranceshipman Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Maybe it would be best for you to initiate a D (and get your financial ducks in a row, first). This would at least make you feel like you have taken some power back over the situation and will make him face up to reality. This might really help you get your feelings under control and hep you to move on. It might even be worth, for peace of mind, having a PI or someone you know out there find some info about the new person in his life-not trying to be dramatic but if you do have a D, and he is playing around, this will affect a financial settlement in your favor. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this...if it helps, I think that this is a major midlife crisis that he is experiencing, and if you leave him, then at some point in the future he'll probably be back after realising what he messed up...he probably thinks you'll always be there for him, and he takes that for granted, and it'll be a slap in the face that he needs and deserves to see you walk away. I wouldn't let him come and see you at Christmas either...
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