BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 My guess is that things are not so great between him and the gf, so he wouldn't mind having you as a backup. Wow, this poor guy just cant win. What did he do that makes you think that? Generally, people that do that offer subtle 'hints' that things arent great at home, and they wouldnt mind a distraction. This guy did none of this. He was very clear and straightforward. We all say we want honesty, and when we get it, we complain about that, too. Its no wonder people lie all the time, youre screwed either way.
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Wow, this poor guy just cant win. This guy did none of this. He was very clear and straightforward. This. I think he handled it in the best way possible.
Hop_prophet Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 The problem is that the relationship is NOT friendly. He should know this especially since a girl directly asked him out. His offer to hang out as friends is not honest, its BS and not sincere. Any time they hang out she is likely thinking about hooking up and taking action to do so. If she asked to hang out as friends then I would have no problem with it. If this goes on during a dating period as mentioned before then I have no problem with it, however if he is in a committed serious relationship then it is sketchy. Yes I would refuse flatly if someone asked me out (on a date) and I was not single. I would expect my gf to do the same, not give him her phone number (unless it was phony).
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Yes I would refuse flatly if someone asked me out (on a date) and I was not single. I would expect my gf to do the same, not give him her phone number (unless it was phony). I mean saying you'd do it is one thing but saying it's the only reasonable thing to do is different. I don't fault someone for just being nice when another person clearly worked up a lot of nerve and asked them on a date. He hasn't DONE anything, he was just nice to the girl.
Hop_prophet Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I mean saying you'd do it is one thing but saying it's the only reasonable thing to do is different. I don't fault someone for just being nice when another person clearly worked up a lot of nerve and asked them on a date. He hasn't DONE anything, he was just nice to the girl. Maybe you think that is his intention. I don't think that is the case. The OP was pretty certain he was interested. If I'm wrong and he was doing it purely to be nice, then its not a big deal. I think he should be more worried about showing respect to his partner than being nice to someone he just met. Its only gonna have the opposite effect anyway. It might make her think she has a chance.
Johnny M Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Dude really? What if some girl asked you out, even if you were in a relationship - would you just say NO? Like no screw you I'm totally taken and we can't talk. Personally I'd be nice to her, but I just know I wouldn't go on any dates with her. I'd probably make up some kind of an excuse as to why I can't go - and later find a way to make it known that I'm taken. Going out with a girl on a one-on-one date is just bait....what if you get seen by someone who knows your GF? I'm sure you'd have a fun time explaining that the other girl is just a "friend" and that you only went out with her because you didn't want to hurt her feelings.
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I'd probably make up some kind of an excuse as to why I can't go - and later find a way to make it known that I'm taken. Going out with a girl on a one-on-one date is just bait....what if you get seen by someone who knows your GF? I'm sure you'd have a fun time explaining that the other girl is just a "friend" and that you only went out with her because you didn't want to hurt her feelings. But he didn't go on a one on one date with her...he gave her his # and was nice about it, saying oh yeah we should hang out. I can't even count the number of people I've said "oh yeah TOTALLY we should definitely do something..." and then never really spoken to again. He gave her his #, he didn't give her a dinner date.
Johnny M Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 But he didn't go on a one on one date with her...he gave her his # and was nice about it, saying oh yeah we should hang out. I can't even count the number of people I've said "oh yeah TOTALLY we should definitely do something..." and then never really spoken to again. He gave her his #, he didn't give her a dinner date. Yeah, I guess you are right...I kind of assumed that he actually wanted to hang out with her. But it's true, he could just be blowing her off nicely.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Yeah, I guess you are right...I kind of assumed that he actually wanted to hang out with her. But it's true, he could just be blowing her off nicely. See, thats the thing. I can see if he was truly leading her on, but we all think there is mutual interest until we ask. If she didnt think he was interested, she wouldnt have said anything. He could really just be a friendly guy. The OP was pretty certain he was interested. Ive gotten the number of tons of women who I thought were interested who turned out to not be at all. Its part of dating. You WANT them to be interested, so you interpret what they do to back up your hopes. He could just be friendly. It might make her think she has a chance. Ok, he said he has a gf. If that makes her think she has a chance, than she either A) would knowingly go out with a cheater, or B) shes ignoring what hes telling her. Look, I know how it is when you like someone, and your mind races of how great you would be together. But this guy isnt on the market, so thats that. Done, over, finished. He didnt do anything wrong, he was honest. Its up to her to decide what she wants to do. It really isnt his job to make sure she knows there is no chance, the fact he has a gf should make that obvious.
Phateless Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) But he didn't go on a one on one date with her...he gave her his # and was nice about it, saying oh yeah we should hang out. I can't even count the number of people I've said "oh yeah TOTALLY we should definitely do something..." and then never really spoken to again. He gave her his #, he didn't give her a dinner date. Exactly. Like I said earlier, they can hang out as friends in a big group and maybe one of his guy friends will like her. Everybody wins. Yay. Edited October 30, 2009 by Phateless
Hop_prophet Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Ok but now suppose she takes him up on it and asks him out to dinner or drinks as 'friends' (even though thats obviously not what this is). I don't why people keep insisting that it is. What if he goes? Do you now think it is so innocent? And even if he doesn't want to, he is just going to have to reject her again, but this time more harshly, so what is the point???
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Ok but now suppose she takes him up on it and asks him out to dinner or drinks as 'friends' (even though thats obviously not what this is). I don't why people keep insisting that it is. What if he goes? Do you now think it is so innocent? And even if he doesn't want to, he is just going to have to reject her again, but this time more harshly, so what is the point??? #1 - Don't do this please OP #2 - He'd probably gently decline, and if she continues he'll have to be not so gentle. If he takes her up on it, then he's either scummy, or really nieve. Of course there is an alternate explanation. He's a swinger in an open relationship and plans on trying to wrangle a 3-way.
Phateless Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) Ok but now suppose she takes him up on it and asks him out to dinner or drinks as 'friends' (even though thats obviously not what this is). I don't why people keep insisting that it is. What if he goes? Do you now think it is so innocent? And even if he doesn't want to, he is just going to have to reject her again, but this time more harshly, so what is the point??? You're absolutely right, we don't know that his intentions are innocent any more than you know they aren't. It's really up to Buzzie at this point what to do with this. If he goes on dates with her then YES, he is a scumbag. If she is hoping to steal him from his gf then she is setting herself up for drama, even if she gets the guy. She knows the risk of wasting her own time, and he knows he's putting himself in a tempting situation. I've been on both sides of this. How many guys are constantly complaining about being stuck in the friend zone? This is the same thing. You're right, this guy could be trying to date Buzzie on the side, but he could also just think she's cool and want to introduce her to his friends. I have hooked up several of my guy friends with cute girls that I met while I was taken. Edited October 30, 2009 by Phateless
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Ok but now suppose she takes him up on it and asks him out to dinner or drinks as 'friends' (even though thats obviously not what this is). I don't why people keep insisting that it is. What if he goes? Do you now think it is so innocent? And even if he doesn't want to, he is just going to have to reject her again, but this time more harshly, so what is the point??? Ok, question of the day - why is she going to waste her time with a guy that says he's taken? I sure wouldnt spend a moment of my life on a girl who said she had a bf, but we could hang out as friends, that would be pointless. And maybe hes thinking hanging out means they grab lunch or a cup of coffee. If he agrees to a 'date' like dinner/drinks, sure thats shady. But again, this is something SHE should filter on her own. Guy has gf = not worth my time/effort. How many guys are constantly complaining about being stuck in the friend zone? This is the same thing One thing that bothers me is the fact that some female posters realize the double standard, yet do things to continue it. If the roles were reversed, we'd all be telling the guy not to waste his time. But since a girl asked a guy, and even though he mentioned the gf on his own, hes automatically looking for booty on the side. Trust me, if he knows she likes him, he could have been a TOTAL slime ball already, not mentioned the gf, and led her along until they had sex. He took the high road, and probably figured she wouldnt call him. He has NOT, thus far, done anything wrong.
Phateless Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Ok, question of the day - why is she going to waste her time with a guy that says he's taken? I sure wouldnt spend a moment of my life on a girl who said she had a bf, but we could hang out as friends, that would be pointless. And maybe hes thinking hanging out means they grab lunch or a cup of coffee. If he agrees to a 'date' like dinner/drinks, sure thats shady. But again, this is something SHE should filter on her own. Guy has gf = not worth my time/effort. One thing that bothers me is the fact that some female posters realize the double standard, yet do things to continue it. If the roles were reversed, we'd all be telling the guy not to waste his time. But since a girl asked a guy, and even though he mentioned the gf on his own, hes automatically looking for booty on the side. Trust me, if he knows she likes him, he could have been a TOTAL slime ball already, not mentioned the gf, and led her along until they had sex. He took the high road, and probably figured she wouldnt call him. He has NOT, thus far, done anything wrong. Completely agree, with one caveat. If she's awesome enough that I want her number, I will decide that I'm ok with being friends and see her that way, or I'll DQ her and move on with my life.
Author buzzie2 Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Thankyou everyone for your responses. Well I agree with one member that I wouldn't be able to just hang out as friends with this guy considering the feelings that I have for him. It would just be too painful plus I would be tempted to be more than just his friend. I have decided to move on. The worst part of this whole thing was that it was someone that works at my company and a lot of people found out. He just ignores me at work now since I never called him. I would also like to say that in all the conversations I had with him before I asked him out he never once mentioned having a gf and he DID seem interested. Also a coworker knew I liked him and told him a while back I was interested. He told her at the time that he WAS single. Anyways thankyou everyone!
Hop_prophet Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 but he could also just think she's cool and want to introduce her to his friends. I have hooked up several of my guy friends with cute girls that I met while I was taken. Yeah this is really the only reason I see for doing it. Youre right though, that is a good reason. She knows the risk of wasting her own time, and he knows he's putting himself in a tempting situation. I've been on both sides of this. How many guys are constantly complaining about being stuck in the friend zone? This is the same thing. Yup its really similar. Really sucks to be in the friend zone doesn't it. Exactly why he should understand what he is doing and not perpetuate this. why is she going to waste her time with a guy that says he's taken? I sure wouldnt spend a moment of my life on a girl who said she had a bf, but we could hang out as friends, that would be pointless. I agree, but plenty of women do it. This is my point - that it is pointless to offer the friendship. One thing that bothers me is the fact that some female posters realize the double standard, yet do things to continue it. If the roles were reversed, we'd all be telling the guy not to waste his time. But since a girl asked a guy, and even though he mentioned the gf on his own, hes automatically looking for booty on the side. Trust me, if he knows she likes him, he could have been a TOTAL slime ball already, not mentioned the gf, and led her along until they had sex. He took the high road, and probably figured she wouldnt call him. Totally agree with this. But I still think he is inviting the possibility for something to go wrong. He hasn't done anything wrong but it could easily lead to that. Its mainly about his intentions which none of us know. This is all hypothetical and I'm really just playing devils advocate.
Phateless Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Thankyou everyone for your responses. Well I agree with one member that I wouldn't be able to just hang out as friends with this guy considering the feelings that I have for him. It would just be too painful plus I would be tempted to be more than just his friend. I have decided to move on. The worst part of this whole thing was that it was someone that works at my company and a lot of people found out. He just ignores me at work now since I never called him. I would also like to say that in all the conversations I had with him before I asked him out he never once mentioned having a gf and he DID seem interested. Also a coworker knew I liked him and told him a while back I was interested. He told her at the time that he WAS single. Anyways thankyou everyone! Glad you took the risk to ask him out, now you know and you can move on. Think about how much time you could have wasted crushing on him if you'd never asked. Work will be fine. You can still be friendly and professional with no issues.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I have decided to move on. The worst part of this whole thing was that it was someone that works at my company and a lot of people found out. He just ignores me at work now since I never called him. I agree with your decision, and dont worry, this will all blow over very soon. He probably feels weird for having to turn you down, and may even feel a little guilty. Really sucks to be in the friend zone doesn't it. Exactly why he should understand what he is doing and not perpetuate this. I agree, but am slowly realizing that youre damned if you do, damned if you dont. There is no easy way to turn someone down, and no easy way to deal with being turned down. But I still think he is inviting the possibility for something to go wrong. I honestly dont think he had any intention of going out with her. I agree, doing so is asking for trouble, and if he was to go out with her, Id question his morals. Im just giving him the benefit of the doubt for being honest. There is always the possibility that he does not have a gf, but is not interested romantically.
Phateless Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Yup its really similar. Really sucks to be in the friend zone doesn't it. Exactly why he should understand what he is doing and not perpetuate this. Being clear and up front is enough not to perpetuate the friend zone tragedy. She can make her own decision. It's when they tell you after 3 dates that they have a bf that you think "well WTF are we doing then?"
dressing up Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Good that there was no ambiguity since he made it clear he has a girlfriend. So many LS'ers agree that the OP asked and the guy came out to say he had a girlfriend. That's all good. But I know of a guy that is in a relationship, asks a girl out and doesn't mention his girlfriend during the "date." Is that still him being friendly, still just wanting friends?
BCCA Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 But I know of a guy that is in a relationship, asks a girl out and doesn't mention his girlfriend during the "date." Is that still him being friendly, still just wanting friends? Sounds shady to me, could be naive. I'd be questioning his motives.
dressing up Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Sounds shady to me, could be naive. I'd be questioning his motives. What do you mean naive?
BCCA Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 What do you mean naive? As in, he didnt think anything of it because he didnt know any better. Foolish, inexperienced, etc... Basically, he wasnt purposefully doing anything, he just didnt think it through. But Id be more willing to bet he is just a douche.
Phateless Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Good that there was no ambiguity since he made it clear he has a girlfriend. So many LS'ers agree that the OP asked and the guy came out to say he had a girlfriend. That's all good. But I know of a guy that is in a relationship, asks a girl out and doesn't mention his girlfriend during the "date." Is that still him being friendly, still just wanting friends? That's shady. Run like hell.
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