buzzie2 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I finally had the nerve to ask this guy out that I have been crushing on. I thought for sure he was interested and I thought he was single. Well I asked him out but he told me that he already had a gf. But then he still gave me his number and said we should go out as friends! I didn't call him because I didn't think it would be appropriate. What do you guys think of him giving out his number? If I were his gf I would be ticked!
whattodoooo Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 i think that him doing that should be a big warning sign to you because he has a gf and hes giving his number out to other girls and hanging with them. if he broke up with his gf and started dating you, most likely he would still give his number out to other girls
gypsy_nicky Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 could be 2 things: 1) not happy with gf 2) but since he said 'we should go out as friends' its most likely he was feeling really bad about turning you down because asking someone out takes nerves and he is only probably very flattered that you did.
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I don't really think this is a big deal for him to do that. I've gotten numbers of girls who have boyfriends, and many times they don't even tell you they have a bf. I wouldn't get upset if my gf did this, I have to trust her until she proves to be untrustworthy - at which point it's over. Most likely he's just a nice guy, fairly flattered, doesn't have any real plans to cheat on his gf or anything like that - but didn't want to just say no and not give you anything.
Hop_prophet Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Yeah I would be pissed if my gf did this too. It is inappropriate IMO. This kind of behavior serves no purpose and is potentially very destructive. You obviously had no intention of being friends and him giving out his number to someone who is attracted to him is only going to cause future problems. Yeah its possible that he was just being nice, but still why?? Suppose you take him up on it? I'm sure his gf would be thrilled. If he even told her at all which I highly doubt. Very suspicious and you have good cause to avoid him.
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Yeah I would be pissed if my gf did this too. It is inappropriate IMO. This kind of behavior serves no purpose and is potentially very destructive. You obviously had no intention of being friends and him giving out his number to someone who is attracted to him is only going to cause future problems. Yeah its possible that he was just being nice, but still why?? Suppose you take him up on it? I'm sure his gf would be thrilled. If he even told her at all which I highly doubt. Very suspicious and you have good cause to avoid him. I really don't think it's quite such a big deal, not every interaction between a man in a relationship and a single woman has to be the first steps towards cheating. To be clear I'm saying what HE did isn't such a big deal. I think it would be a mistake for you to take him up on it though, that's just silly.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I dont see anything wrong with what he did. He clearly stated he had a gf, and only gave you his number to go out as friends. Women do this all the time, like one poster said, half the time you find out about the bf later. Calling him would be a waste, as hes taken and youre not looking for a friend, but I dont think hes a bad guy or looking to cheat. If he was trying to cheat, Im thinking he would have left out the gf part...
Hop_prophet Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I really don't think it's quite such a big deal, not every interaction between a man in a relationship and a single woman has to be the first steps towards cheating. Of course not, but SHE asked him out. It is pretty clear that there is an attraction and giving out a number under a false pretense of being 'friends' is disengenious when it is perfectly clear this is not what she wants. Would you do this if you were in a serious relationship? All you are doing is inviting the possiblity of cheating, or stringing someone along in case things go south in the relationship.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Of course not, but SHE asked him out. It is pretty clear that there is an attraction and giving out a number under a false pretense of being 'friends' is disengenious when it is perfectly clear this is not what she wants. Would you do this if you were in a serious relationship? All you are doing is inviting the possiblity of cheating, or stringing someone along in case things go south in the relationship. This is so unfair. Millions of women do this EVERY DAY! As a guy, we are constantly given numbers by women who are taken and otherwise uninterested, who have no intention of going out with us, and hide behind 'not wanting to be mean'. Here is a guy who sees that this girl digs him, but was honest enough to tell her straight up he had a gf (not, kinda seeing someone, going to dump them, or the usual cheating BS) but gives her his number so she doesnt feel completely shut down, and hes the bad guy. I dont see what hes done wrong here, its just unfortunate that hes taken and shes into him. People that cheat and are otherwise douchebags usually dont tell you they are already taken, and usually just lead you along without talking about where anything is going. This guy told you BEFORE he gave you his # he was taken, meaning if you chose to call, know its only going to be platonic. I mean, men go through this all the time, and are told to deal with it. At least he told you the deal straight up, and at least hes a decent guy.
Hop_prophet Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Ok I'll give you that women do this a lot more than men, but that is because they get asked out all the time and it easier to just accept/give a number to get the guy off their back. A woman is not going to be nearly as persistant or harassing when showing interest. And seriously, how many times have you been asked out by a woman? I'm just saying it is kind of disrepectful (regardless of gender) when you are in a serious relationship to make yourself available to someone who is attracted to you without your partners knowledge. Yes, he was honest about it and may have had good intentions but it is just as likely that he did not. Full blown cheating usually starts off as something minor like this. He should have just left it at I have a gf instead of leading her on.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Ok I'll give you that women do this a lot more than men, but that is because they get asked out all the time and it easier to just accept/give a number to get the guy off their back. Well, to be fair, he could have wanted her off his back as well. It goes both ways. No one wants to be the bearer of bad news, do they? A woman is not going to be nearly as persistant or harassing when showing interest. And seriously, how many times have you been asked out by a woman? Ive been asked out VERY few times by women, BUT the times that they did, they simply would not accept no for an answer. Ive had to change my # because of one girl who I told flat out more than a dozen times I wasnt interested, but she refused to accept it. I'm just saying it is kind of disrepectful (regardless of gender) when you are in a serious relationship to make yourself available to someone who is attracted to you without your partners knowledge I disagree that he made himself available at all. He told her he had a gf, and for all you know, he told his gf what happened. I think were assuming the worst here, when it hasnt looked bad yet. Full blown cheating usually starts off as something minor like this. He should have just left it at I have a gf instead of leading her on. See, if he said he had a gf but it wasnt working out, or he wasnt happy, or he was going to dump her, etc...I would agree. But he didnt, he said he had a gf, and she could have his number to be platonic. Thats not leading her on, he told her its not going anywhere romantic. I get that he didnt full on say 'beat it', but like women always say, its hard to be mean when you know its gonna hurt the other person. I think he was being polite, but really told her to its not going to happen. Kind of hard to misunderstand 'I have a gf'.
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I agree with you on almost all of your points BCCA...but one question... Ive been asked out VERY few times by women, BUT the times that they did, they simply would not accept no for an answer. Ive had to change my # because of one girl who I told flat out more than a dozen times I wasnt interested, but she refused to accept it. You really changed your phone number because a girl was tenacious about continuing to ask you out? Man, changing my number would be an epic decision, it'd take a lot more than that...
Phateless Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Completely agree with BCCA on all counts. The double standards expressed in this thread piss me off. I've been in this guy's situation before and if I think the girl is cool I'll bring her around my friends to see if she hits it off with any of them. I like having friends, and I'm not an animal. If I have a gf I don't cheat. Period.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 You really changed your phone number because a girl was tenacious about continuing to ask you out? Man, changing my number would be an epic decision, it'd take a lot more than that... I made the mistake of giving her my home #, thinking I use my cell more anyway, and it wouldnt be a big deal. She would call all hours of the night from different numbers, and Id jump up thinking it was a buddy in need, or my brother, and low and behold...it was her, at like 3am on a Wed, asking if we could talk, or hang out. She would also call crying saying her life was terrible, blah blah blah, and I barely knew this chick. It was so annoying, and honestly, very few people called my house anyway, so I called Comcast and they changed it for me. It was a hassle, but way better than having to answer her ridiculous calls all the time.
Hop_prophet Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 See, if he said he had a gf but it wasnt working out, or he wasnt happy, or he was going to dump her, etc...I would agree. But he didnt, he said he had a gf, and she could have his number to be platonic. You guys are not getting my point. The relationship cannot be platonic if there is an attraction. Pretending otherwise is pointless. Sure it can be done to spare someones feelings, but that is not the route I would choose. Direct honesty is much better I think. But yes he may have told his gf for all I know in which case I would have less of a problem with it.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 You guys are not getting my point. The relationship cannot be platonic if there is an attraction. Pretending otherwise is pointless. Sure it can be done to spare someones feelings, but that is not the route I would choose. Direct honesty is much better I think. But yes he may have told his gf for all I know in which case I would have less of a problem with it. Ok, this is a serious double standard. You just said women do it all the time, and from his side -all he offered was plantonic friendship. I dont see where he wasnt directly honest, 'I have a gf, but if you want to hang platonically, here is my #' is pretty straight up. And you dont know what he told his gf, so you shouldnt assume the worst. The only thing this guy is doing wrong is he has a gf, making him unavailable. Again, this is something men deal with on a daily basis, and women are far less direct. Its up to HER to decide that this isnt something she wants to pursue, and toss his number.
Phateless Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) You guys are not getting my point. The relationship cannot be platonic if there is an attraction. Pretending otherwise is pointless. Sure it can be done to spare someones feelings, but that is not the route I would choose. Direct honesty is much better I think. But yes he may have told his gf for all I know in which case I would have less of a problem with it. I disagree. I think mild attraction is perfectly normal in friendships where both people are attractive and close. Sometimes a little bit of attraction can be what makes the friendship so great. That doesn't mean we'll act on it. We're grownups and have the power of choice. Some of my female friends are smoking hot, but that doesn't mean I consider them as more than friends. Even if I were single they would still be just friends. And I agree with BCCA. Hop, that is a serious double standard. BUZZIE - Now as far as what's best for you, I think you are probably better off cutting contact with this dude because you won't get what you want out of the situation. Being around him if you like him and can't have him will be hard. I don't think he's a bad guy, I think he was just trying to be honest. He probably thinks you're cool and likes hanging out with you, but that's it. Are you comfortable with that or will your feelings bother you? I have ended friendships because I liked the girl and she didn't like me back. That was MY CALL to make. So buzzie, what are your thoughts? Edited October 30, 2009 by Phateless
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 She would also call crying saying her life was terrible, blah blah blah, and I barely knew this chick. It was so annoying, and honestly, very few people called my house anyway, so I called Comcast and they changed it for me. It was a hassle, but way better than having to answer her ridiculous calls all the time. Wow I think I'd have resorted to telling her to leave me the hell alone first, but you know, whatever I'm actually being moderately e-stalked by one of my ex gfs now and I find it fairly convenient to just set a filter in gmail, and otherwise ignore her texts. I guess it'd be harder if she wouldn't stop calling.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Wow I think I'd have resorted to telling her to leave me the hell alone first, but you know, whatever Oh trust me, I did. Over and over again. And asked her not to call ever again, and that I didnt want to hear anything she had to say. Nothing worked - except changing the number So buzzie, what are your thoughts? I can tell she wants more than a friendship, but I would be willing to bet she still has his number...
Hop_prophet Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I disagree. I think mild attraction is perfectly normal in friendships where both people are attractive and close. Sometimes a little bit of attraction can be what makes the friendship so great. That doesn't mean we'll act on it. We're grownups and have the power of choice. Some of my female friends are smoking hot, but that doesn't mean I consider them as more than friends. Even if I were single they would still be just friends. And I agree with BCCA. Hop, that is a serious double standard. I know its a double standard. I'm not contesting that and I said I would be pissed if my gf did this. I just understand why women do it more often. I don't agree with it. That friendship thing is pure BS. Go look up the definition of platonic. This is not a platonic situation at ALL and neither is what you stated above. Maybe on his end, but he is still making himself available to her and that is the issue. Giving someone your phone number and suggesting you hang out is making yourself available.
Johnny M Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 My guess is that things are not so great between him and the gf, so he wouldn't mind having you as a backup.
BCCA Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Giving someone your phone number and suggesting you hang out is making yourself available. If the genders were reversed, and a woman did this to a guy, would you still feel that way? Or is it the fact that a guy said he just wants to be friends thats making you leery? I know its a double standard. I'm not contesting that and I said I would be pissed if my gf did this. I just understand why women do it more often. I don't agree with it. I see what youre saying, but my point is that it happens in the dating realm. You cant rely on other people to make your decisions for you, he told her where he was in life, and its her decision to make whether she wants to be friends or not. He said he had a gf, made no complaints about her, and made it clear if they were to hang out it would be platonic. That is NOT making himself available at all, and if a woman did that, men would be expected to 'get a clue'. Just because she wants more doesnt mean he isnt looking at this platonically. And like we have both agreed, people give out their number to people they dont want to date all the time; Ive done it myself.
rod_in_gtown Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 He told you he had a GF, he could have said nothing and given you his number and have you on the side. Just because there's a relationship in between doesn't mean you can't be friendly and hang out as friends. Just because a guy is in a relationship doesn't mean that any women friends become off limits. I hang out with a ton of female friends, and they're just that, friends. Doesn't mean I'm going to cheat on my GF.
amirpc Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 My guess is that things are not so great between him and the gf, so he wouldn't mind having you as a backup. Dude really? What if some girl asked you out, even if you were in a relationship - would you just say NO? Like no screw you I'm totally taken and we can't talk. Personally I'd be nice to her, but I just know I wouldn't go on any dates with her.
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