outofthedark Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I have been a lurker here for over a year and feel now I could use some feedback. Good or bad but honest please...without bashing me. I am a bs/xmow/ow so I give myself enough bashing without needing more. Thanks! We were both married to other people. We had no children. It started right away as a PA. I was looking for sex, so was he. It developed into much more as we both discovered that we were also very emotionally needy and we fed each others needs. Physical and emotional. It was very easy to fall in love, we were both married to others that neglected us. We used to joke about writing a book called "neglected spouses or forgotten spouses"... looking back on that it is sad that we were so in a fog that we didn't realize what we were really doing. We were friends, confidants, lovers... we considered ourselves soul mates and as time went on I could no longer bear to stay in my marriage so I left it. A month later he left his. YEA right? Oh boy, nope! Within 4 months of leaving my xH we were officially divorced. (I had already known I was going to divorce this man so this was fairly easy for me. Before my affair began I had already consulted an atty but had decided to wait on the filing) It is now well over a year since he left his wife but there has been no filing for divorce from either of them. They are still legally married though he does not live with her, he lives with me. I remember the first time he and I spent the night together I told him, "Dreams do come true this morning I woke up with you". Now I wake up with him every morning but I am still waking up next to a man that is not married to me but someone else. To make things even more complicated, sigh.... 2 months after he left his wife, I became pregnant. Now don't get all high and mighty on me about birth control, I was not supposed to be able to ever become pregnant...the man has bionic sperm! So now we live as one little happy family but legally he is someone elses. I dont want to bash his spouse but the more time goes on, I get very aggravated with her. I know she is hurt and I know that it is because of me (and him, he gets no free passes from me) but i am finding it hard to feel for her. Every time he brings up the subject she threatens suicide. I used to wonder if this was true till I actually read some of the emails she sent him. It drives me bonkers that he cannot see this is manipulation... it works every time. He backs off. They remain married. He feels guilty and mopes. The guilt he feels for the affair and leaving is horrible, she doesn't need to fuel it. Obviously there is a lot more to my story but I was hoping that this may start it off as to your thoughts, ideas, questions, experiences etc. I also hopes this serves as a warning to others. Be careful what you wish for. It isn't all cut and dry happy ending. Picking up the pieces is so hard and trust is very hard. After all you end up with a proven cheater right? (guess what, they can cheat again too)
tami-chan Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 hmmm....what do you think Untouchable Fire? do you think the BW has self-esteem issues?
NowhereToHide Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I have been a lurker here for over a year and feel now I could use some feedback. Good or bad but honest please...without bashing me. I am a bs/xmow/ow so I give myself enough bashing without needing more. Thanks! We were both married to other people. We had no children. It started right away as a PA. I was looking for sex, so was he. It developed into much more as we both discovered that we were also very emotionally needy and we fed each others needs. Physical and emotional. It was very easy to fall in love, we were both married to others that neglected us. We used to joke about writing a book called "neglected spouses or forgotten spouses"... looking back on that it is sad that we were so in a fog that we didn't realize what we were really doing. We were friends, confidants, lovers... we considered ourselves soul mates and as time went on I could no longer bear to stay in my marriage so I left it. A month later he left his. YEA right? Oh boy, nope! Within 4 months of leaving my xH we were officially divorced. (I had already known I was going to divorce this man so this was fairly easy for me. Before my affair began I had already consulted an atty but had decided to wait on the filing) It is now well over a year since he left his wife but there has been no filing for divorce from either of them. They are still legally married though he does not live with her, he lives with me. I remember the first time he and I spent the night together I told him, "Dreams do come true this morning I woke up with you". Now I wake up with him every morning but I am still waking up next to a man that is not married to me but someone else. To make things even more complicated, sigh.... 2 months after he left his wife, I became pregnant. Now don't get all high and mighty on me about birth control, I was not supposed to be able to ever become pregnant...the man has bionic sperm! So now we live as one little happy family but legally he is someone elses. I dont want to bash his spouse but the more time goes on, I get very aggravated with her. I know she is hurt and I know that it is because of me (and him, he gets no free passes from me) but i am finding it hard to feel for her. Every time he brings up the subject she threatens suicide. I used to wonder if this was true till I actually read some of the emails she sent him. It drives me bonkers that he cannot see this is manipulation... it works every time. He backs off. They remain married. He feels guilty and mopes. The guilt he feels for the affair and leaving is horrible, she doesn't need to fuel it. Obviously there is a lot more to my story but I was hoping that this may start it off as to your thoughts, ideas, questions, experiences etc. I also hopes this serves as a warning to others. Be careful what you wish for. It isn't all cut and dry happy ending. Picking up the pieces is so hard and trust is very hard. After all you end up with a proven cheater right? (guess what, they can cheat again too) I stopped reading right up until the bolded part. He SHOULD feel guilty. And he left his wife. She is entitled to some difficulty dealing with it. I am a former OW, so I get what you're saying... more than you know. I get that it's frustrating that she isn't able to move on. You want your happy little family -- just the 3 of you, legal and legitimate. But affairs don't end in "happily ever after". Even when you end up with your MM/MW. The way they start ensure tough times ahead. I don't really have any advice except for my opinion that you should never, ever forget or dismiss the pain that his wife was and is in.
jwi71 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I have been a lurker here for over a year and feel now I could use some feedback. Good or bad but honest please...without bashing me. I am a bs/xmow/ow so I give myself enough bashing without needing more. Thanks! We were both married to other people. We had no children. It started right away as a PA. I was looking for sex, so was he. It developed into much more as we both discovered that we were also very emotionally needy and we fed each others needs. Physical and emotional. It was very easy to fall in love, we were both married to others that neglected us. We used to joke about writing a book called "neglected spouses or forgotten spouses"... looking back on that it is sad that we were so in a fog that we didn't realize what we were really doing. We were friends, confidants, lovers... we considered ourselves soul mates and as time went on I could no longer bear to stay in my marriage so I left it. A month later he left his. YEA right? Oh boy, nope! Within 4 months of leaving my xH we were officially divorced. (I had already known I was going to divorce this man so this was fairly easy for me. Before my affair began I had already consulted an atty but had decided to wait on the filing) It is now well over a year since he left his wife but there has been no filing for divorce from either of them. They are still legally married though he does not live with her, he lives with me. I remember the first time he and I spent the night together I told him, "Dreams do come true this morning I woke up with you". Now I wake up with him every morning but I am still waking up next to a man that is not married to me but someone else. To make things even more complicated, sigh.... 2 months after he left his wife, I became pregnant. Now don't get all high and mighty on me about birth control, I was not supposed to be able to ever become pregnant...the man has bionic sperm! So now we live as one little happy family but legally he is someone elses. I dont want to bash his spouse but the more time goes on, I get very aggravated with her. I know she is hurt and I know that it is because of me (and him, he gets no free passes from me) but i am finding it hard to feel for her. Every time he brings up the subject she threatens suicide. I used to wonder if this was true till I actually read some of the emails she sent him. It drives me bonkers that he cannot see this is manipulation... it works every time. He backs off. They remain married. He feels guilty and mopes. The guilt he feels for the affair and leaving is horrible, she doesn't need to fuel it. Obviously there is a lot more to my story but I was hoping that this may start it off as to your thoughts, ideas, questions, experiences etc. I also hopes this serves as a warning to others. Be careful what you wish for. It isn't all cut and dry happy ending. Picking up the pieces is so hard and trust is very hard. After all you end up with a proven cheater right? (guess what, they can cheat again too) A few questions: 1) Baby here yet? (kids are simultaneously awesome and terrible) 2) Who is UNAWARE of the whole truth in your saga (friends, family, clergy, etc)? 3) Have you two sought couples counseling? 4) Does religion play a prominent role in the major players lives (yours, his, his W)? 5) How do you want this to end? An obvious HUGE red flag is his choosing to remain M to his W. Why? What does he say when you rightfully press to have a legitimate relationship ®? Simply put, we all have a "soft spot" for the ex but that "soft spot" does NOT prevent me (and by extension your bf and most others) from moving on. From living normal healthy lives. But your bf...well, he doesn't. I wonder if your bf isn't having regrets FOR leaving. Have you two spoken of that?
Author outofthedark Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 To answer your last question, yes he does regret leaving her. Though now it has been so long that he knows he cannot go back. It is so confusing for me, and yes it hurts terribly because i know I am still settling and at times I still have that "dispensable" feeling. We have talked about it openly and he says he regrets the choices he made because he has caused so much pain to her. He doesn't want to hurt her anymore and divorcing would hurt her as she still wants the legal benefits of being married. (ie insurance, bills paid etc) Her take on this is that people separate and remain married for years for the benefits and she feels she deserves this cuz he screwed her over. (he agrees that he screwed her over). I do push the issue at times (usually right after leaving my shrinks office) but nothing ever comes of it other than me venting, crying... him making an empty effort and we are right back where we started. He tells me that he loves me, wants to be with me, cannot imagine living without me... I fall right back into the understanding, patient girlfriend role. I do also feel a sense of guilt for this woman hurting but not at the cost of my own well being... I used to feel that way but have gotten past it. I know that my presence in the marriage as the ow (which she did not know about then) influenced him and his behavior toward her and for that I will always feel a degree of shame and guilt. But I am now trying to get past that. Regarding your other questions... I think that everyone involved knows the truth now. The whole sticky ugly mess is very out in the open with all involved in our lives. (colleagues excluded, thank goodness but I am sure they have suspicions) We have talked about counseling for us but he doesnt follow through, he tried IC but failed to keep up with it instead numbing himself with substances. We both believe in Karma (yes mine is kicking my a**) but do not attend religious services or speak with clergy. I think the church would fall if I went for confession.. its been 2 years.
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 He isn't "yours" so to speak, and they are still married. He created this mess with your help and now he has to choose one way or another. If he cannot make that choice, then you dump him, tell him he can come see you when he's divorced. If you don't decide for yourself, you WILL stay as the OW/girlfriend role, all the meanwhile he'll be at home making things right again with his wife. Her WHOLE world was turned upside, all that she knew and loved, and trusted turned out to be a big fat lie. He more than likely is playing her, telling her what she wants to hear, btw, that's called gaslighting..
fooled once Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I have been a lurker here for over a year and feel now I could use some feedback. Good or bad but honest please...without bashing me. I am a bs/xmow/ow so I give myself enough bashing without needing more. Thanks! We were both married to other people. We had no children. It started right away as a PA. I was looking for sex, so was he. It developed into much more as we both discovered that we were also very emotionally needy and we fed each others needs. Physical and emotional. It was very easy to fall in love, we were both married to others that neglected us. We used to joke about writing a book called "neglected spouses or forgotten spouses"... looking back on that it is sad that we were so in a fog that we didn't realize what we were really doing. We were friends, confidants, lovers... we considered ourselves soul mates and as time went on I could no longer bear to stay in my marriage so I left it. A month later he left his. YEA right? Oh boy, nope! Within 4 months of leaving my xH we were officially divorced. (I had already known I was going to divorce this man so this was fairly easy for me. Before my affair began I had already consulted an atty but had decided to wait on the filing) It is now well over a year since he left his wife but there has been no filing for divorce from either of them. They are still legally married though he does not live with her, he lives with me. I remember the first time he and I spent the night together I told him, "Dreams do come true this morning I woke up with you". Now I wake up with him every morning but I am still waking up next to a man that is not married to me but someone else. To make things even more complicated, sigh.... 2 months after he left his wife, I became pregnant. Now don't get all high and mighty on me about birth control, I was not supposed to be able to ever become pregnant...the man has bionic sperm! So now we live as one little happy family but legally he is someone elses. I dont want to bash his spouse but the more time goes on, I get very aggravated with her. I know she is hurt and I know that it is because of me (and him, he gets no free passes from me) but i am finding it hard to feel for her. Every time he brings up the subject she threatens suicide. I used to wonder if this was true till I actually read some of the emails she sent him. It drives me bonkers that he cannot see this is manipulation... it works every time. He backs off. They remain married. He feels guilty and mopes. The guilt he feels for the affair and leaving is horrible, she doesn't need to fuel it. Obviously there is a lot more to my story but I was hoping that this may start it off as to your thoughts, ideas, questions, experiences etc. I also hopes this serves as a warning to others. Be careful what you wish for. It isn't all cut and dry happy ending. Picking up the pieces is so hard and trust is very hard. After all you end up with a proven cheater right? (guess what, they can cheat again too) IMHO - you guys screwed up by him moving in with you prior to the divorce. And now, because you allow that treatment of you, it continues. He has chosen to not hurt his wife; he has chosen to hurt you. And he will continue to hurt you because threat or not, he makes NO MOVES to divorcing her. So basically, you are having a family with a married man; a man who is legally married to someone else. Should he fall ill, she gets to make the decisions for him. Should he die, she gets his life insurance and all his worldy posessions because she is still married to him. She will be the grieving widow -- not you as you are his mistress, not his wife. And your child --- not sure if you have had the child or not -- but the child will grow up with daddy being married to another woman. What a mess you have yourself in I would ask him to move out and tell him he cannot move back in until he is divorced. You two fight over his wife, you two have allowed her to be apart of your life because he takes NO ACTION. Call her manipulative or whatever --- but she could turn it around and say you manipulated the situation by 'accidently' getting pregnant to hang onto him. Not true; but the fact is you are/were pregnant by her husband. Let him figure out his life. Tell him to come back to you divorced. See if that kicks him into action.
boldjack Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 First thing , You should have used protection. No "ifs", "ands", or "buts". You weren't using your head. the world is full of kids that shouldn't have happened. You BF sounds like a total whimp, he needs to man-up and get his D or you throw him out. It's that simple. You should be worrying about yourself and your kid, and making plans to deal with being a single parent, because you can't depend on him for anything.
Author outofthedark Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Re Boldjack and pregnancy protection.... as I said I was told it was impossible for me to ever become pregnant. It was a non issue with us. This was a HUGE shock and it took 2 different doctors and and ultrasound before I even believed it myself. I thought I was seriously ill, not pregnant! I want to say I appreciate all the feedback I am getting here, until now I feel like I have only gotten biased opinions and that of my shrink. Thank you to all that have responded. It gives me much more to think about. I feel I should add this, although I didn't think necessary in the beginning of my thread. Maybe gain more insight from others??? Yes baby has arrived and is wonderful. 3 weeks prior to birth I found out that my boyfriend had been online having "chat-sex" for months with several different people. He even went as far as to meet one and had several conversations via phone with these women. This was all while I was pregnant and he was telling me he loved me and looked forward to our future as a family. It came as quite a shock to me and I wanted to leave him immediately. I landed in the hospital for 3 days following my discovery. He was there the entire time and when I was discharged I was so weak, due to deliver, an emotional wreck... honestly I didnt have the strength to make any sort of move. He also begged me not to cut him out, to take the birth of his child away from him. So I didn't. Here I remain ....yes what a lovely mess I have gotten myself into~!
bentnotbroken Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 This explains your post on the other topic about leaving the ow alone. Sound have expected that's why you felt the way you did. What ever her reasons are, he isn't guilty or give a damn about her emotional state. He can divorce any time HE wants, it's clear he doesn't. Get used to living with a big p*s*y with no back bone or balls.
boldjack Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I'm with BNB, this guy is a total cu*t. You need to drop him like a hot rock, see a lawyer and get some child-support from this loser.
Author outofthedark Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 I am in no way proud of what I have become a part of, what I have done or the people that have been hurt by my actions. I take full responsibility and oh if I could take it back I would. Every morning I have to look in the mirror knowing exactly what I did, who I am with and the peoples lives that were devastated by my actions. I am on both sides of the coin... I am living it now. I am trying to make the best of a horrible situation that an innocent child was brought into. To make the best decisions for my child now and not put me first. If I could run for the hills without looking back I would.
bentnotbroken Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I am in no way proud of what I have become a part of, what I have done or the people that have been hurt by my actions. I take full responsibility and oh if I could take it back I would. Every morning I have to look in the mirror knowing exactly what I did, who I am with and the peoples lives that were devastated by my actions. I am on both sides of the coin... I am living it now. I am trying to make the best of a horrible situation that an innocent child was brought into. To make the best decisions for my child now and not put me first. If I could run for the hills without looking back I would. Yes, there is an innocent child involved and this isn't the best situation for the child. The stress involved alone is horrible. Now this child can possibly be subjected to a weenie father who has continued to f- over 2 women with no regards or consideration to the emotionally pain that this situation continues to create. Some one has to be the better parent at this point, why not you and get the hell out of this mess?
jwi71 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 You will NOT like this post. But I think you NEED it. It won't be pretty. To answer your last question, yes he does regret leaving her. Why? Because he still loves her...wishes to undo what has been done. Sorry...that's what regret is. The pain and loss of a LOVED one. He hasn't moved on because, well, he hasn't. He still loves her and WISHES he could go back and be married to the woman he loves. Though now it has been so long that he knows he cannot go backOtherwise he would GO BACK. I'm so sorry...but your bf isn't 100% into you. He REGRETS it. I hate to say it...but I think you KNOW it already. . It is so confusing for me, and yes it hurts terribly because i know I am still settling and at times I still have that "dispensable" feeling. Trust your gut. Follow your instincts. They're right. We have talked about it openly and he says he regrets the choices he made because he has caused so much pain to her. He doesn't want to hurt her anymore and divorcing would hurt her as she still wants the legal benefits of being married.Yup. This IS true. Those regrets will haunt him the rest of life. And while YOU allow him in yours, YOU will SUFFER. Always feel second best. Always feel the "option forced upon him" and not out of love. (ie insurance, bills paid etc) Her take on this is that people separate and remain married for years for the benefits and she feels she deserves this cuz he screwed her over. (he agrees that he screwed her over).Bullshyte. Utter nonsense. A divorce is a contract and it can say pretty much whatever the hell you want it to say. You can decree that he pays her insurance, pays alimony, pays whatever.... This is an EXCUSE to NOT get D. And I think it says much about his respect level for YOU. I do push the issue at times (usually right after leaving my shrinks office) but nothing ever comes of it other than me venting, crying... him making an empty effort and we are right back where we started. Backbone. I highly recommend one. Because it will give you the strength to see through his CRAP. Really, BNB is right...this guy is a wuss and so are YOU. Put the big girl panties on, stiffen your new and improved backbone and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. What you want and need MATTERS. He sure as hell won't offer it...so TAKE IT. Or show him the damn door. And we all kow where he goes if you do...so what does that tell you? He tells me that he loves me, wants to be with me, cannot imagine living without me... He just won't make it legitimate because that would hurt his W. That second best feeling you have...its because, in his world, you ARE second best. Look at how he treats his W...and how he treats YOU. When push comes to shove...he CHOOSES HER. Look, this guy isn't worth having. He won't face his problems. He won;t face his W. He won't face you. His method of resolving issues is AVOIDANCE. Not good. Here's what you do. You tell Mr. No-Balls that he files for D within 5 days. Or he packs his bags and moves out. Because he isnt changing. You gotta take that spine, stiffen it, and get what you want, need and deserve.
fooled once Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 He loves you and wants to be with you? He loves his ex wife and doesn't want to divorce her. He loves you so much he was online searching for women and MEETING UP with them - and for all you know, he may have had sex with them. I agree with the others - find your self respect and kick this loser to the curb. And you are going to meet his family .... why? You can say that his mother hates his WIFE (not his ex wife, but his WIFE) but what does that have to do with anything? She may very well hate you too. But what does it matter? The fact that you continue to allow this man to treat you like this speaks volumes to your character. If your child is a girl, do you want your daughter involved with someone like him? Someone who has an affair on his wife, moves out and moves in with his mistress, gets his mistress pregnant and while his mistress is pregnant, searches on line for a new mistress? Come on --- enough of this. Break the cycle and stop allowing him to walk all over you. Stop allowing him to use you. Kick him out, tell him to get a divorce and go to the nearest court house and file for custody and child support.
OWoman Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 OOTD, right now you're a single parent - to two kids. Your baby, and your "partner". In your shoes, I'd leave and rather be a single parent to just one. This guy might love you - but he's no partner for you. He's not giving you support, he's creating a drain on your resources and he's undermining your self-confidence. This has nothing to do with his W. If he set proper boundaries, her attempted manipulation would get her nowhere. He is allowing all of this to happen to him, because it's easier for him than the alternative - manning up and making things happen. He may never D her, even if he lives with you - I'm not sure if you're familiar with TogetherForever's story? It took 9 years, and the W filing, for that D to happen. Is that a situation you'd like your kid to grow up in - knowing that Daddy is married to someone else, and doesn't love Mommy enough to divorce her and make her dreams come true? He's choosing that. It isn't happening to him. It's his choice. But you don't have to choose that too. You can choose to live your own life on your own terms, to bring up your kid as best you can - ensuring that a child support order is in place - with room in your life for him only if he becomes the kind of guy you'd like to live with. Right now, he isn't that. But by letting him stay on on his terms, you're telling him that he is, and that you're happy with things as they are. If you're not, make the changes. It's your life, after all - and your kid's.
skywriter Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 As much as people say what he is thinking and feeling , only he knows what he is thinking and feeling. His actions of course , do give a clue. How about a legal seperation, did he get one of those, in which it states you may live as a single person?
HarmonyHope Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Why? Because he still loves her...wishes to undo what has been done. Sorry...that's what regret is. The pain and loss of a LOVED one. He hasn't moved on because, well, he hasn't. He still loves her and WISHES he could go back and be married to the woman he loves. Otherwise he would GO BACK. I'm so sorry...but your bf isn't 100% into you. He REGRETS it. I hate to say it...but I think you KNOW it already. Trust your gut. Follow your instincts. They're right. Now isn't this interesting. If he wants to go back to his W so badly, why doesn't he just do it? It seems like whenever people in this forum talk about an OW, it's "he'd leave if he really wanted to", but now that it's a BS, it's "he'd leave, but he can't"? C'mon. Anyway, I agree with OWoman. This guy needs some serious IC among other things. Protect yourself and your child OOTD, that's all you can do.
fooled once Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 HH - on page one, she said Her take on this is that people separate and remain married for years for the benefits and she feels she deserves this cuz he screwed her over. (he agrees that he screwed her over). And more than likely, the ex wife is enjoying living without him and his cheating. She is benefitting more NOT having him return home. She knows he wants to, and she may just be getting HER revenge on him by not allowing him to return. I am not getting what you are talking about with the OW and BS. The poster is the OW, but as she said later in the thread, she recently found out he has been searching online and meeting up with other women.
jwi71 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Now isn't this interesting. If he wants to go back to his W so badly, why doesn't he just do it? It seems like whenever people in this forum talk about an OW, it's "he'd leave if he really wanted to", but now that it's a BS, it's "he'd leave, but he can't"? C'mon. Anyway, I agree with OWoman. This guy needs some serious IC among other things. Protect yourself and your child OOTD, that's all you can do. HH, The OP tells us why: "Though now it has been so long that he knows he cannot go back" Apparently, or was my take anyway, he CAN'T go back so he stays. I understood it to mean it would require too much work by HIM...and he seems to have this nasty habit of AVOIDING those emotional talks. So, its easier to stay and NOT face the W (assuming she WANTS him back). So he stays. The OP has picked up on this (that second best feeling she has). But since he is an avoider, and now our OP is having issues...he's back to his old habit of avoiding and running away. Looking for another OW to assuage his... oh whatever. At this point it doesn't matter...he is a world class douche bag.
HarmonyHope Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Fooled once - I'm just thinking out loud that if his W didn't want him back she wouldn't be threatening suicide when he brings up divorce, and she probably would have started filings herself. I think it's obvious she wants him back based on those two things alone. (Likewise it's obvious that he has no real desire to sever the marital connection with his W). What I meant was that it seems like often an OW is told that the MM doesn't love them and if he wanted wanted to be with them he would. But in this case, the MM left and the OW is being told that he doesn't really want to be with her, he really wants his W even though he isn't taking steps to go back there. It's a moot point though really, this guy wants both. At this point it doesn't matter...he is a world class douche bag. Totally and completely agreed.
Author outofthedark Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 "I dont want to hurt her anymore" "I miss her not as a wife but as a friend" "She isnt capable of handling going to court" "I was hoping we could remain friends" "She trusted me that I would always be there for her, now I have to cut everything???" It goes on and on and on......... But I did it! As I said before, I use this (LS) sometimes just to bounce things off others to get an unbiased opinion and force me to vent my frustrations to him..this time I didnt back down! I wouldn't say I have earned back my "big girl britches" quite yet but I made a huge step in one leg at least. After thinking on some things and reading the advice that was given, I stood up and directly said.. I have given you permission to treat me and my feelings second best and to disrespect me. I am taking that back. I no longer give you permission to treat me like crap... I come first or not at all! Oh and by the way, we BOTH need a shrink, not just me! I am angry and becoming resentful. (i think I shocked the hell out of him) So Couples counseling has been scheduled and he has one week to take the next step in getting this divorce started. (14 months he has been gone from her, its about time) Thanks for all your feedback and advice.
learnfrommymistakes Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 OOTD I hear your pain and I am not here to bash you, not my way, but it does sound like he is a player, disrespectful at a minimum, and unworthy of your love. Perhaps he has a sex addiction, he certainly was totally inapropriate to do that while you were pregnant, and to do that at all....and the whole wife business, is just messy. You do have a mess on your hands, but perhaps now, and here, is the time to start thinking about how you can get out..what you need to do for you, nor for him. What you are your child need, and work toward something better. It is easy to focus on how messy his life is, and your life is with him, but give yourself a little room and time to make small steps if you cant make big ones, and start figuring out what you want and need for you, moving forward. He has proven he cant be trusted, and drama will fill your life in the worst way if u stay, so RUN full speed ahead as soon as you can...and God bless LFMM
RedDevil66 Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 he tried IC but failed to keep up with it instead numbing himself with substances. . So he's an addict? This would explain all his dysfunctional actions/behaviors. You should read up on addictions. His on line antics and his lying to you and his wife is classic addiction behavior. You have got yourself into a mess, but you can get yourself out if you really want to.
OWoman Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 After thinking on some things and reading the advice that was given, I stood up and directly said.. I have given you permission to treat me and my feelings second best and to disrespect me. I am taking that back. I no longer give you permission to treat me like crap... I come first or not at all! Oh and by the way, we BOTH need a shrink, not just me! I am angry and becoming resentful. (i think I shocked the hell out of him) So Couples counseling has been scheduled and he has one week to take the next step in getting this divorce started. (14 months he has been gone from her, its about time) Thanks for all your feedback and advice. Congrats, OOTD - taking back your agency and putting yourself first is a big step, and he needs to rise to the challenge you've set him to earn his place as your partner, or to simply become a paycheque to his kid. Good luck with the couples counselling - hopefully he'll take the opportunity to listen, and really hear what you have to say, and to confront his own fears and face up to his responsibilities - to his estranged W, to you, and to his kid - as well as to himself, to be an adult and not to hide behind one woman's skirts after another.
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