Better Dayz...moving on from break up

[Angel1111]

later though, i thought why did it make it a point to call and tell me this. there was nothing i could do...especially after the fact.

 

He did it to get your attention - which is exactly what happened. I'm not beating you up, just letting you know what he was doing, and why he was doing it - and he got pay-off. He was wanting you to play 'mommy' again and kiss his little cut finger. Couldn't eat his turkey dinner - awww, poor little baby. What a child. Not because he felt that way but because he needed to tell you about it. One day, you'll be at the point where if he says something like that again, you'll say, "Well, you're alive to tell me about it, you must be ok." I think the story he told you was totally fabricated anyway.

 

Maybe the laws vary a great deal in different states, but where I live, it's not easy to get a restraining order - especially if a person is just bugging you. You'll need to look into it first. I don't think your ex is that bad - he's just being a pest. And unfortunately, you made things worse by responding to his distress call. You need to ignore him completely. It's over between the two of you and that's the way you need to treat him. I'm glad that you didn't sleep with him and I'm sure that could've easily gone either way. You did great.

 

I'm learning my own lesson this week. Even though I broke up with xMM several months ago, we have stayed in contact. He's the president of my company so this is a tough balance. But all the emails - around 3 or 4 a day - that say 'sweetie' and 'honey' and all that stuff has just managed to suck me right back in - in the emotional sense. So when he wrote to me and told me about all the things he was going to be doing with his family for Thanksgiving, it really hit me hard. And because it hurt me, I realized that I was once again emotionally involved with him. It really made me angry and I simply told him that I couldn't chat with him. That was the day before Thanksgiving. I haven't heard a thing out of him, so I think he knows what's going on.

 

At this point, I'm so sick of this whole thing between us that i don't even care if we talk about it or not. If he calls me while I'm at the office tomorrow, I guess I'll talk to him and let him know that we need to cool it; but if he doesn't call me, I don't really care. There does come a time when you get so tired of it all that you don't even care if it's talked about or not. That's my fun lesson for today.

Edited November 30, 2009 by Angel1111

[muse08]

There does come a time when you get so tired of it all that you don't even care if it's talked about or not. That's my fun lesson for today.

 

Wow, I understand what you mean by not caring at a certain point. Do you really not care or are you just tired of the uncertainty? Why did you end things with him? Was this your ex husband or boyfriend? Your decision to back away from the situation emotionally is truly a wise decision as you are . I'm working on removing myself emotionally, but I'm realizing it's truly a process. Is your ex involved with anyone? Sounds like he still wants to have that connection with you by giving you the whole run down of his holiday agenda unless you asked. You know that I know where you're coming from. LOL, the situation sounds so similar to mine that I almost took your story as a hint to tell me what to do.

 

I actually have ignored him (7 day intervals). For some reason I give in btwn 6-8 days...Right now though, I feel pushed to my limit. How can a "sane" person constantly contact the person who broke up with them, only to set them up or intentionally disappoint them. Where does that energy come from (is what i've been saying to myself). When I've told him that we didn't need to see each other anymore, he replied saying "that's nonsense". He starts off nice then there's the trap. The cycle of 'abuse' that several people here have mentioned. Just remembered another moment that made me think he's really insecure and/or controlling. When we went on one of our mini vacations, he got upset because I sat facing a man in a booth next to ours. I had not idea of why by ex was still standing there looking at me. He wanted me to sit in another seat where I would not see the other guy. So I laughed b/c it was funny. He thought I was smiling at the stranger. He's thought I was flirting with a guy b/c I beeped my horn by mistake when parking...(i know this is insane, but it's true and i've never told anyone until now). I have never in my life dealt with a person like this so I'm feeling pushed to my limit for real. I've even grown tired of writing about it, but I need to vent so I come here and vent anyway.

 

ANGEL, let me know how things go. That's a tough one due to the nature of the situation. Be strong. I know you are. I'll try to do the same. What has helped me though is to come back to my threads and read how this situation has unfolded, the senseless things he's done, and why I decided to leave him in the first place. BTW, I agree that his recent story was probably fabricated...

 

When I see what I've written and read what others have said, I am reminded of how I need to handle this guy. Ignore him.

[Angel1111]

If I were that wise, I wouldn't have gotten involved with a married man in the first place - who happened to be the president of my company. But, you know, whatever. I did. It's over. I'm moving on. Do I really not care? In most ways, yes - I really don't care. I eneded it with him because I didn't like the cheating. It made me feel terrible. He had his chance to be with me and he chose to keep me on the edges of his life. I'm not that important to him and I don't need that in my life. If he and I could just be friends, that would be ok but those conversations always turn into something else so I don't think we're able to do it.

 

The only way I was ever able to stop my nutty ex from calling me constantly was to change my phone number (my 'nutty ex' is not the married guy - he's a different guy). If you're not willing to change your phone number, then be prepared for what he dishes out - and for the fact that he will do this for awhile. And when you think it's all over with, a few months later, he'll contact you again. These guys don't give up because they enjoy the challenge. If I were you, I'd change my phone number and that would end it completely. And when you get a new job, don't ever tell him where you work and don't ever call him from that number because he'll be able to latch onto that, too.

 

I have to go - our regular Monday conference meetings with the president. I'm so thrilled.

[Angel1111]

- deleted by author -

[muse08]

If I were that wise, I wouldn't have gotten involved with a married man in the first place - who happened to be the president of my company. But, you know, whatever. I did. It's over. I'm moving on. Do I really not care? In most ways, yes - I really don't care. I eneded it with him because I didn't like the cheating. It made me feel terrible. He had his chance to be with me and he chose to keep me on the edges of his life. I'm not that important to him and I don't need that in my life. If he and I could just be friends, that would be ok but those conversations always turn into something else so I don't think we're able to do it.

 

The only way I was ever able to stop my nutty ex from calling me constantly was to change my phone number (my 'nutty ex' is not the married guy - he's a different guy). If you're not willing to change your phone number, then be prepared for what he dishes out - and for the fact that he will do this for awhile. And when you think it's all over with, a few months later, he'll contact you again. These guys don't give up because they enjoy the challenge.

 

you're funny...

ok, i understand. but angel nobody's perfect. you've lived and learned and you ARE wiser. of course we don't always do what we KNOW is best b/c we're human, but you are wiser than some. i agree that, the situation isn't a good one to be in. it's good that you see that the emailing needs to stop unless it's strictly business. be a good girl!---(and my nutty Ex just called)---anyway, i've been there, but didn't know until after reconnecting with an ex of mine. he tried to tell me in a casual way (after we'd just been intimate and said he wasn't happy...)b/c he knew it wasn't right and i would not go for it, but i dealt with him for a while after he told me, then eventually stopped. it was hard though (his selfish *ss).

 

will there ever be a time when men and women can be faithful, especially men? i'm getting to the point where i'm trying to prepare myself a prolonged single life. it's crazy aND i probably sound jaded, but i just think i'm being realistic. i've seen so much infidelity in marriages that i figure why put myself through it? what if i'd agreed to marry 'crazio' recent ex? he proposed last april/may. that would be some str8 mess, whatever the case would be...str8 mess! now i think he's doing all this calling b/c as you said, he enjoys the chase and he's trying to stay in my head. when we were together and i was telling him how much he called me, he made the comment "umm hm, yep and i love doing it"...i paused for a minute(:(hmmm)...now the connection has been made.

 

hope you enjoyed the "meeting"!

[muse08]

regarding my ex's calls. i think i'm going to just have to deal with the calls for now. [i just changed my number about a year and a 1/2 b/c of another dude who'd call literally all through the night and stood staring at me walk in a mall when we happened to see each other. i spoke with mall security because i was walking in as he was on his way out of the mall. but he acted so weird: laughing and staring in my eyes and acting lilke he could barely catch his breath and each time i turned around he was still standing in the same place looking at me. even when he saw me speaking to security he kept staring and the mall security even said he was looking creepy. he finally left once security started walking his way]

 

so with this situation, i think i'll just erase the messages before listening or reading. that way i won't feel the need to respond.

[Angel1111]

Yeah, there are good men out there but they are few and far between and, as I keep preaching, we have to learn to be more protective of ourselves and not allow just anyone into our lives. I've learned not to assume that someone is the right person for me, or that they're sane, or that they have their act together, or whatever. Like with xMM, I knew him and I assumed that if he was wanting to be with me, he was leaving his marriage. Wrong assumption. He's not a bad guy at all and that's the only reason I have remained friends with him. But from now on, I won't make assumptions about anything. My nutty ex who had an IQ of 170 once told me, "Don't ever make the mistake of thinking that other people think like you." (He occasionally had momentary lapses of sanity). His words were very, very true and he said that as a compliment to me. From now on, I'll sit back and watch and let the real story unfold - before I put my heart on the line.

 

The meeting was ok. About halfway through, xMM made reference to something that seemed like a coded comment that was directed at me. He does that sometimes and then will later tell me that he did it to let me know he was thinking about me. Later today he sent me a message. It was pretty short and he sounded nervous. I haven't answered him and really don't know what to say to him. He's been such a good friend to me that I'm very hesitant to burn that bridge with him. When I was sick a few weeks ago, he kept in touch with me constantly and was really worried about me. I mean I was incredibly sick and it even scared me. I really appreciated his concern more than he'll ever know. I think what I need to do is just stop answering him too quickly, kind of change the frequency of our emails so that they slow down, stop him when he calls me 'sweetie' or some other pet name, and then maintain the friendship on that level. I think I can deal with that. And in the meantime, I'll be moving on. How does that sound to you?

 

Hey, btw, if you want input from others about your situation, start another post and I promise not to put my two cents in. I feel like I'm somehow keeping you from getting perspectives from the others here and they all have great things to say. I don't want to make you feel like I'm the only one here to talk to. I feel like I'm isolating you.

[muse08]

GUYS please chime in!

 

lol. i don't feel you're isolating me...i just feel like nobody else cares to comment on this stuff right now. just wondering why? perhaps because we've been back and forth about specific personal stuff like we're right in the same town. now you're making me feel guilty. i never wanted to exclude anyone! (((chime in y'all)))

 

anyhoo, i believe your solution to your situation sounds about right! if the momentum is too great, you will probably have to be the one to slow it down. respectfully of course. doesn't sound like he knows how to draw the line at this point. i don't believe in burning bridges unless the respect is gone. if things go further and/or any faster someone may get hurt when the other(you) decides to back away all of a sudden. hence, lost of respect as well... causing a reaction that may or may not be expected...

 

you never know how people will react to situations until they happen, ya know. so yeah, that's your best bet. respectfully, ease up on the emails and address the pet names definitely.

 

i'm about to start a new thread! and, i'll see you there!

Edited December 1, 2009 by muse08

[Angel1111]

Good, I'm glad to hear that you don't feel isolated. People care. I think it was just that our posts might've made them feel there was no need to comment.

 

I wrote xMM back and kept it brief. He knows something is up so I think he's testing the waters to see if I'm still talking to him or not. I'll tell ya, there were moments last week when I didn't want to ever talk to him again. And then I realized that I'm just as much at fault for this stuff as he is. He knows how to draw the line, he's just not interested in doing it. The truth is, he's going to do what I let him do. Anyway, I think things will work out and I'll be fine. He's a good man and yes he has always been respectful of me. If I told him to never contact me again, he would do that.

 

You said that your ex was texting you earlier. Did you read it?

[muse08]

good, glad you kept it brief. you know i'm curious to know what would have made you never want to talk to him again, last week???

 

so he's going to try to see how far you'll let him go...for sure, he's filling you out and may not know what to do right now. as crazy as it may seem, that only makes some men pursue you more when they can't firgure out where you're coming from. so you don't think he has the potential of flipping out if you made a drastic decision. be careful...he might get slick and catch you off guard with some really, really sweet message or flowers or anything. then what will you do, lol? though it sounds like he's pretty level headed and will probably be cooperative, you think?

 

i didn't read the texts nor did i listen to the vcmails. should i? my reason for not, is because he could say something really dumb to make me want to respond to defend myself. he can say some really dumb , off the wall stuff and i don't want my mood or day/night to be affected by his str8 NONSENSE...

[Angel1111]

After 5 yrs of on and off stuff between him and I, I know how he reacts. I once broke it off with him and we didn't talk or see one another for about 6 mos. There were a couple of times like that, I think. And then, yeah, when I thought it was safe to go back in the water, I found myself right back at square one with him again. I did that way too many times.

 

What happened last week was really no big deal in the sense that he did anything, we were just chatting back and forth throghout the day thru email and he told me all about his Thanksgiving plans with his family - and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'll never be in his life, that I really don't mean anything to him, blah, blah, blah. I was pissed off for about 3 days and didn't speak to him. I was mad at him and I was mad at myself. And I knew that the only reason any of that hurt me anyway was because we had started talking several times a day and saying 'sweetie' and all that other stuff. I had no intentions of sleeping with him again but it made me realize that we were simply in an emotional affair. But this time around, I snapped back a lot faster. I'm truly done with the whole thing. I've already joined a bunch of fun groups now and I'm going to make some new friends that I can do things with.

 

No, I don't think you should necessarily listen to the vm's or messages your ex sends - I was just wondering if you did or not. I don't know if curiosity would get the better of me or not if I were you. But I think ultimately I would just get sick of his endless nonsense. I think you're on the right track just to ignore. That way, as you said, he won't be able to draw you in again.

[muse08]

Brief update guys. Pretty much the same status. I have not yet answered or listened or read the messages. He still continues to call...amazing. He playey games now he keeps calling, for what?

 

How are things going with the situation now Angel?

[Angel1111]

Someday, your ex will stop calling. Either his fingers will get raw and fall off, or he'll get sick of the non-attention. If you ever peek at his messages, let me know what kind of nonsense he's saying. I'm curious.

 

Things are fine with me. xMM sent me an email the other day and chatted about different things and then, out of the blue, he stated that he would start being just professional with me and that he would behave himself around me. When I asked him why he said that (even though I already knew why), he said because I was distancing him, and that he knew what was bugging me. I told him that he did need to behave himself around me. Then he called me the next day and we chatted for awhile. It was fun and nice as always but I know it's just that - a conversation with someone that I'll never be with. I joined some groups on meetup.com and went to a movie with some people from one of those groups today. There were some nice people there and it was pretty nice. It was my first step to getting out and making new friends.

[muse08]

Someday, your ex will stop calling. Either his fingers will get raw and fall off, or he'll get sick of the non-attention. If you ever peek at his messages, let me know what kind of nonsense he's saying. I'm curious.

 

Things are fine with me. xMM sent me an email the other day and chatted about different things and then, out of the blue, he stated that he would start being just professional with me and that he would behave himself around me. When I asked him why he said that (even though I already knew why), he said because I was distancing him, and that he knew what was bugging me. I told him that he did need to behave himself around me. Then he called me the next day and we chatted for awhile. It was fun and nice as always but I know it's just that - a conversation with someone that I'll never be with. I joined some groups on meetup.com and went to a movie with some people from one of those groups today. There were some nice people there and it was pretty nice. It was my first step to getting out and making new friends.

 

Hey lady! Glad things are fine w/ you. Do you think he's serious about behaving with you or is he just fishing for you to say something or give him more attention. I have a feeling it's partially the latter...How did you feel when he said it. Do you really WANT him to behave??? LOL, be honest.

 

I'll try to remember to take a peak at his messages just for you. I've been deleting them so fast now that I don't have any to look at even in my "trash" folder. Although, as I was checking voicemail today he'd left a voicemail early this morning...and b4 i deleted it I heard him say "Hey baby, I know you see me calling. You can pick up the phone...". Then I pressed delete w/out listening to the rest.

 

He's actually slowing down though. Less calls and less texts...I won't lie I like the attention to a certain extent, BUT when it gets unhealthy and excessive and after he's done something dumb like faking a robbery or calling me up to see me then call back to say he won't be coming, it let's me know he is still harboring resentment for me breaking up with him and I would never be able to trust him. He's always do something out of spite...I'd have no sanity. On nights like this though, I have thought of acknowledging his message but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm home alone on a Saturday night...come on...

[Angel1111]

Nah, I don't recommend acknowledging him at all. You know how that would turn out. Well, you sound like you're in a good habit with deleting his messages - it might be better to leave it that way. His words will just get inside your head and who needs that?

 

Yes, I definitely think xMM was baiting me to see what I'd say. Really, the whole statement about behaving himself around me was pointless because I hardly ever see him, and nothing has happened between us since I ended it with him last May. So there was really no point in saying that. It was also his subtle way of letting me know that he knew that I was backing off on my conversations with him. Whatever. I know he's not heartbroken over it so it makes no difference. I'm just a good friend to him - and he's a good friend to me, too - and I'm someone who fills in the blank in his marriage. It's just not a job I want anymore.

 

I know you like the attention from your ex but there's too much pain associated with that attention - that's the part you've gotta keep in mind.

[muse08]

yes mam! the pain and/or drama is just senseless. thanks for reminding me.

 

glad you peeped xMM's game. i'm sure he thinks about you even when he's not at work. so funny and yet a sad truth at the same time.

 

that's sad b/c the same thing can happen to you and i whenever we decide to tie the know again or me for the first time. one of my ex's was still married when we were dating. he didn't tell me until after we'd been intimate. then it was hard to stop cold,but eventually i did...

 

do you think it's even possible for men to be faithful???

[Angel1111]

Yes, I think there are men out there who are faithful and want to be in a good marriage. Like I said, you've just got to be careful about who you let into you life. That means watching them for awhile before getting physcially and emotionally involved with them.

 

I'm sure xMM thinks about me but he's not going to leave his marriage, and that's all I really need to know. I think he's an awesome man and he's pretty much everything I ever wanted in a person - he's very intelligent, driven, successful, kind, in control but not controlling, loves kids and family, he's sweet, and funny - to name a few things. And we get along so great. But we'll never be together and I want to be with someone.

[muse08]

Yes, I think there are men out there who are faithful and want to be in a good marriage. Like I said, you've just got to be careful about who you let into you life. That means watching them for awhile before getting physcially and emotionally involved with them.

 

I agree with this. But I'm not even ready for marriage, but I do wonder based on all this craziness in the news and on this site.

 

Most of those guys ready for marriage have several dealbreakers going on.

 

So part of my "moving on" will include, taking more time to observe...

[Angel1111]

Good idea. So what's the latest with your ex? Is he still contacting you? And what about the job situation - how's that going?

[muse08]

Good idea. So what's the latest with your ex? Is he still contacting you? And what about the job situation - how's that going?

 

Yep! He's still calling, lol. About everyday... I still had still been erasing his messages, but I answered his call in my sleep the other morning. He sounded shocked when I picked up the phone(i guess cause i never answer). He was near my place for his job and was going to bring me breakfast:cool:. I saw him out my window once I got up, but said I didn't think it was a good idea and so of course he kept persisting and is still calling.

 

I haven't been mean to him. Just have been saying I didn't think it was a good idea. The thing is, no matter how much he says he loves me, I feel like he misses me and REALLY misses the sex. He always asks me if I need anything and recently offered to help me out due to the job situation.

 

So, I have a parttime gig for now and some possible freelance work. ...I'm emailing you the rest now...