Els Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 That's what I thought too, so I ignored it Thanks for all the insight and advice! I'm guessing you're also in an LRD. Yeah, I am. All the best.
Tiz Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) and the fact that YOU aren't even willing to CONSIDER staying for her instead It's not fact. It's an assumption made on your part. It's very obvious to me early in the dating process whether a woman is inflexible, and she is a taker instead of a giver. I want to eliminate those women early on. Personally, I do not want a woman that would put her work above me. If I'm not number one in her life, and her work is, that's the wrong woman for me. You call this a double-standard and me a hypocrite, and I would assume selfish, but I want to stress that this is all in the context of more traditional gender roles. Edited October 30, 2009 by Tiz
prettybaby Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 You two sound very incompatible. From reading your post, I'm not even sure why you're together. Sorry to be blunt. But all those topics are actually quite fundamental when it comes to a relationship, and if every single one of them is a source of tension, you kind of have to ask yourself what's the point?
threebyfate Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 When someone fails to appreciate your extra effort, why do it? The next time, before you make a meal, suggest that if you make the meal, he can clean up. If he refuses to do so, then suggest he take you both out for the meal, since you can't afford to pay for it due to the cost of the flight. If you're at his place, be a guest and when he's at work, only clean up what's necessary and leave the rest. For that matter, didn't he take any time off, to be with you? He really sounds insensitive and selfish.
carhill Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Yup, when I travel to visit friends, I'm embarrassed by the fixing of meals, the offers to spend the night and the taking me out for sightseeing and dinners. I have to literally grab the waiter and pay the check without them seeing or beat them to the ticket booth. This is what true friends (and true romantic potentials) are like. They enjoy you and are generous. With this perspective in mind, it's easy to see and evaluate the antithesis, which is what I believe is being shared in the OP. However, the OP is enamored of the sex, and this colors her perception of the rest. I expect that to continue. History has proven it so, IME.
Els Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) It's not fact. It's an assumption made on your part. How is it an assumption? There are only 3 choices: 1) You stay 2) She move 3) LDR You have already eliminated #3, so there are only 1 and 2 left. As you are insisting on #2, it is obvious that you are not even considering #1. It's very obvious to me early in the dating process whether a woman is inflexible, and she is a taker instead of a giver.Talk about taker!! Someone who insists on a gf leaving behind everything she has, regardless on circumstance, when HE decides to move, or it's over... doesn't sound much like a taker to you, eh? And I suppose not wanting to relocate is inflexible, but not wanting to be LDR for a while so one of you doesn't need to sacrifice TOO much to be together, is inflexible? God, I hope you don't ever get a naive girl and coerce her to ditch her college course in the last few months because you weren't willing to wait in an LDR for her to finish. I want to eliminate those women early on. Personally, I do not want a woman that would put her work above me. If I'm not number one in her life, and her work is, that's the wrong woman for me.You've evidently never had to consider moving before, have you? Plenty of other reasons besides work. Family, friends, health, environment, finances, studies, etc. You call this a double-standard and me a hypocrite, and I would assume selfish, but I want to stress that this is all in the context of more traditional gender roles.Incorrect. Traditionally, no woman would move to be with a man unless they are engaged or married, and marriage lasts til death (in most cultures). You're talking about a gf whom you may or may not marry. Big difference. I can tell you, that any woman worth her salt would NOT move to be with someone who is not even CONSIDERING waiting for her in an LDR. You want someone who will give up her life for you, you better be willing to at least wait a few months without physical intimacy. Only doormats will settle for anything less. Edited October 30, 2009 by Elswyth
Author Absolutely Curtains Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 That's what I figured. I see this a lot, both IRL and here on LS. I predict your conflict will continue for some time. Hopefully, it will be satisfying for you. Best wishes Yup, when I travel to visit friends, I'm embarrassed by the fixing of meals, the offers to spend the night and the taking me out for sightseeing and dinners. I have to literally grab the waiter and pay the check without them seeing or beat them to the ticket booth. This is what true friends (and true romantic potentials) are like. They enjoy you and are generous. With this perspective in mind, it's easy to see and evaluate the antithesis, which is what I believe is being shared in the OP. However, the OP is enamored of the sex, and this colors her perception of the rest. I expect that to continue. History has proven it so, IME. I don't know Carhill...I think you've made a very valid point, but I'm pretty mad about this! I can't believe that he's treating me this way. I was telling a friend about this earlier and she thinks it's wrong of me to have held all this in rather than saying something at the time it happened, and she's right. That's part of the reason I'm having a hard time saying something now - retroactive anger and all that. Does anyone else think it's worth saying something and seeing if things change, or do you think he's just a self-absorbed jerk and that's the way he is (in this relationship at least)? I can't decide right now which I'm going to do, although in either scenario these things will come up.
Author Absolutely Curtains Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 it is a big deal. there are lots of things that we have to work on in relationships but being considered shouldnt be one of them. Just an example, I had a bit of a situation with my ex like this. It wasnt about how we spent our time or money anything, but when it came to decisions about our home, he would ask my opinion and then never go with mine if it differed to his. Like merely by him asking meant he was doing his bit, but then totally poo-pooed my responses, made me feel like my opinions just werent valid enough for him to consider. We were decorating and I had to put my parts on SO much just to get a colour I wanted, like for days and days he eventually gave in but just did it like 'of course you can, i dont know why you're making such a fuss'. totally not acknowledging the amount of stress I had to go through in order to get my way. It wasnt that he was being nasty or even did it on purpose, but I felt belittled, and I think thats how you feel sometimes too. That's terrible...and that's pretty much how I feel. Yeah, I am. All the best. You as well.
carhill Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 The bottom line is do you feel the relationship is healthy and satisfying for *you*? Go with that.
Els Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Does anyone else think it's worth saying something and seeing if things change, or do you think he's just a self-absorbed jerk and that's the way he is (in this relationship at least)? Never hurts to try. If there really -is- a miraculous improvement, could just hang on a while and see. I kinda doubt it, though.
Author Absolutely Curtains Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Tonight we're going out with a couple of friends for dinner/movie. Our reservation isn't until 8, and the movie is 10 or 1030, so we're going to be out late. When he called to let me know the plan (he confirmed reservations and whatnot) he said he would pick me up. I replied that I would just meet him (me being a doormat?) because I don't think it makes any sense for him to go so far out of his way to pick me up and drop me off (coming all the way here and going almost all the way back home). But he insisted he would pick me up, so I'm not driving late. It's the things like this that are keeping me off balance here, because this is much more typical behavior of him (although he does tend to be on the flakey/forgetful side, and he's definitely not a detail person - that's just the way he is).
carhill Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Accept each action and go with my prior post. Over-analyzing is a sure-fire method to singledom. Take it from an expert
Tiz Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) You've evidently never had to consider moving before, have you? Plenty of other reasons besides work. Family, friends, health, environment, finances, studies, etc. Where's the evidence? Because, I didn't list them for you? I've lived all over the world, and moved from each place for some of the various reasons you listed above. Thanks, I guess for trying to enlighten me on the rationale to change scenery. Incorrect. Traditionally, no woman would move to be with a man unless they are engaged or married, and marriage lasts till death (in most cultures). It's neither correct or incorrect. Context sheds light on the discourse. There is no definite about it. No woman on earth would move huh? Your statement above is nothing more than a broad sweeping generalization. Most all of this is a moot point. I don't have the time to argue each point with you. But, I will say that I feel like my filtering process for women in the initial stages of dating is honed enough to not get seriously involved with a woman who would not move for me should the necessity to relocate arise. Women's actions and reactions in the first stages of dating are very telling to me. I also feel like I know within 6 months or even less if a girl is marriage material or not, but dating for a two year minimum is a reasonable amount of time before proposing for her to show the consistency I'm looking for. However, if the issue of relocation arose for either of us within those two years I would ask her to marry me. My previous posts are hypothetical if I dated girls differently than I do now, or the girl tells me she has to move in those first stages, but I understand you didn't know that. Edited October 30, 2009 by Tiz
Lucky_One Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 I was telling a friend about this earlier and she thinks it's wrong of me to have held all this in rather than saying something at the time it happened, and she's right. That's part of the reason I'm having a hard time saying something now - retroactive anger and all that. Does anyone else think it's worth saying something and seeing if things change, or do you think he's just a self-absorbed jerk and that's the way he is (in this relationship at least)? I am not a fan of throwing out babies with bathwater, at least until I have adequately determined that the baby is a total whining brat. So I would certainly talk to him. The entire issue here is inadequate communcation. You need to tell him what you WANT as well as what you NEED and what you MUST have. And if he doesn't deliver, then you discuss your wants and needs and musts and see if those are things that he is willing and able to meet. But until you talk about this, he isn't a mindreader. When you make plans to visit, say, "The plane ticket price is going to be a problem for me to pay for all of it. Can you pay for half?" When you are getting ready to go to the market, say "I would rather not put all of this on my VISA, and I don't have enough cash as this is a big grocery shop. Can I have some money?" When you want to go to an activity and he wants a different one, then say "Great! Let's do the boat show in the morning, and then we can see the antique mart after lunch; you know how much I want to go look for another piece of my grandmother's silver pattern."
Els Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Where's the evidence? Because, I didn't list them for you? I've lived all over the world, and moved from each place for some of the various reasons you listed above. Thanks, I guess for trying to enlighten me on the rationale to change scenery. The evidence is that you immediately refer to a woman who refuses to drop everything to move with you, as a woman who puts her work above you. I don't think I need to quote that, do I? It's neither correct or incorrect. Context sheds light on the discourse. There is no definite about it. No woman on earth would move huh? Your statement above is nothing more than a broad sweeping generalization. If you were referring to the part of my post that you quoted, it IS correct, and I did NOT say no woman on earth would move. I said no traditional woman would drop everything (especially family obligations) to move without marriage. Can't have the cake and eat it too - if you expect traditional gender roles, there ARE fixed things that usually come with them, with few exceptions. Unless, of course, when you say 'traditional gender roles' you really mean 'traditional gender roles that suit you' . However, if the issue of relocation arose for either of us within those two years I would ask her to marry me. This is good, at least. I'm just saying: I know what I'm talking about, I'll be the one picking up to move with the bf after I've graduated. But he is making no small amount of sacrifice as well, and is more than willing to wait for me in an LDR. If he hadn't been, I sure as hell would not even consider leaving everything behind for him. My issue with your post isn't really the 'she move or you move part', but rather the 'she move or we're done, cause I'm not gonna put myself through an LDR regardless of what she needs to drop to move with me' part.
Author Absolutely Curtains Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 Again, thanks for all the replies. Short update about Halloween - I told him very firmly that I'm not going to leave overnight or for a long period of time. We are now going to watch a horror movie or two, hand out candy, THEN go to a party in the town I'm in and come back here afterward.
Recommended Posts