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Ready to cry. This trip is a nightmare. Am I overreacting?


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Posted (edited)

Sorry this is long. I hope some of you have the patience to read through this.

 

My bf and I are in a long distance relationship. He is older than I am, and makes quite a bit of money. I recently graduated (during a recession!!) and am only working part time and have student loans.

 

Issue #1: Finances

 

I recently bought a plane ticket to go visit him (and extended my stay when my friend in his area asked me to pet/house sit the following weekend).

I also bought groceries to make dinners for him, and to have some breakfast and lunch food for myself, since he didn't have any in the house.

While he was at work I spent time sweeping and vacuuming his house, doing his laundry, doing the dishes, and doing other chores (like trash, recyclables, pooper scoopering...).

Over the weekend I made him breakfast, and I ended up doing the dishes every time I cooked for us (breakfast and dinner).

 

So far he's bought me 3 meals (2 lunches and a dinner; I offered to pay half and when he declined, I paid the tips for all of them) and a movie ticket. We spent the day together on Friday and Saturday, but then Saturday night I spent reading a book and going to bed early because he was on his computer all night.

 

I don't tend to keep tabs on things like this, but I find this behavior to be pretty insensitive. If you were going to have a guest over, wouldn't you at the very least make sure you had SOMETHING for them to eat when they're home all day without you? This is petty, but I'm pretty annoyed that he has spent a tiny fraction of what I have spent in order for us to hang out. It's definitely in combination with other issues though. Makes it seem like a bigger deal than it normally would be for me, if that makes sense.

 

Issue #2: Halloween

 

I hate Halloween. I also think I'm too old to dress up in a slutty costume and get wasted in a bar (something I've never enjoyed - the dressing up part I mean). My ideal Halloween is watching horror movies and handing out candy to little kids.

 

Halloween also happens to be the weekend I'm house/pet sitting - meaning that my chief responsibility is to be at m friends' house. Could I go out later (and then drink only a little or not at all and go home super early in the morning)? Sure I could. But not only does that not sound fun to me, I think it's irresponsible.

 

My bf knows all this. He HAS known all this (and on top of that, me being here for Halloween is an unexpected bonus).

 

He keeps talking about all these parties he's invited too; he's all excited about going out for Halloween and getting wasted/dressing up.

 

Finally, yesterday, he said he would rather stay home with me. I was very happy.

 

Tonight, he's back to: I decided to go to this party, I think it'll be more fun than these other parties; we can't just sit around at home on Halloween, blah blah blah.

 

I'm really disappointed by this. Especially since if I don't go find a costume tomorrow and go out with him, I'll be sitting at home alone. :o Oh, and of course, buying a costume will be more $$ I have to spend. Plus buying gas, and I can say with 85% certainty that I'll end up paying for cabs.

 

Issue #3: I'm doing all the work

So tonight I'm at my (best) friend's house/pet sitting. My bf lives 20 mins away without traffic (in other words, if it's not rush hour). I told him last night that tonight if he wants to come over he can, but I'm not leaving the pets alone overnight.

 

But, lo and behold, tonight he wants me to come over, which would entail leaving the animals alone AND borrowing a car, which I could actually do (going so far as to suggest that I "come over at 10pm and leave at 8am, so they're only alone for 10 hours"). He refuses to come over here, citing having to go to work tomorrow and not wanting to leave at 5am to get there on time.

 

His dad works in the same building as him, they don't have to be at work until 9am, and his dad lives literally 2 blocks away from where I am. He could shower here, leave 20 mins earlier than he would leave his OWN house, and get to work on time.

 

Issue #4: Activities

When I booked my plane ticket, I made a point to check out what's going on in the area so that we could do some fun activities together.

 

There was one event going on from the day I arrived until 3 days later that I REALLY wanted to go to, that was so cheap it was practically free. I asked him 4 times if we could go. He kept blowing it off with responses like "I don't care what we do as long as I get to see you."

 

As it turned out, we didn't do what I wanted to do. Instead, on both of his days off, we did what HE wanted to do (something I had no interest in, outside of the fact that I wanted to spend time with him - pretty much a sincere version of what he said in response to my request to do something specific), and he bought several hundred dollars worth of stuff for himself at one of the things we did (that was otherwise free) - my point being, obviously money wasn't an issue for him.

 

I realize that this whole thing makes me sound like a doormat. I guess I am one. :(

 

I'm so disappointed and upset and I don't know what to do.

Edited by Absolutely Curtains
Posted

You're a doormat if you allow others to take advantage of you, and basically what happened here was that being in a relationship, you're giving more of yourself than what you're getting in return. Question is, how long have you guys been dating? I'm starting to think you guys are incompatible. He is more carefree, and lives in the moment, while you're more settled and prefer someone who's more sensitive in terms of nature.

 

Have you talked with him about how you felt? There hasn't been any communication so far from what I have read, so I can understand that it can be a bit of a frustration. Remember that most guys can't read minds, so whatever is bothering you, to them they're probably thinking you're pmsing.

 

First learn to communicate with him and talk with him about your stay at his place. Explain to him that since you guys are long distance, it would be great if he had spend more time with you, instead of idling away time at his computer.

 

As for Halloween, try to compromise on that. If he wants to go to a party, tell him that you don't want to waste money on a costume, and if he's willing to pay for one. Otherwise, there's still the idea of going without a costume.

Posted

I'm going to keep this short, Don't let him be controlling.

 

-Sno

Posted

Finances: It sounds like you are a very giving person who is willing to sacrifice for others, but it seems like he's taking you for granted here and isn't really factoring you into certain decisions as much as you are factoring him. It isn't about keeping score, no, but when there is a clear imbalance, it can be a problem.

 

Halloween: I think choosing to housesit on Halloween is risky in itself, especially if you know you have a boyfriend who will want to spend time with you in some way on a holiday/event/etc. If he was okay with the notion beforehand though, that's another story. I think in this case you guys have different opinions on what is considered "a fun Halloween night" -- it is clear you chose to housesit with the intention of your boyfriend staying home with you, but I am not sure what his opinion was when you made the initial decision. Need more info, there.

 

Doing all the work: Just to get this straight, if your boyfriend came to see you, he'd only have to leave early enough to drive his normal distance plus two blocks plus 20 minutes? Why would he say he'd have to leave at 5? Have you, uh, told him the math, here? lol

 

Activities: Again, lack of compromise on his part.

 

 

 

He simply does not care how hard it is for you to pay what you're paying because he has it easy -- he's got money. He doesn't care about your preferences because he has it easy -- he knows he can force his preference onto you, and you'll bend. He doesn't care about visiting your place because he has it easy -- he'll argue that he has to drive further and try to make you feel guilty over an extra 20 minutes and coerce you into inconveniencing yourself instead.

 

I used to have a girlfriend like this, and it taught me a lot about self-respect and confidence. You absolutely do not have to put up with self-serving people who demand that you basically mold yourself to their every whim. It looks as if he's not empathizing with you much because he knows he can do what he wants and have you conform to it, giving him little incentive to change.

 

At some point, you just absolutely have to put your foot down. If finances are especially hard, don't overextend yourself -- try to get him to help you with the costs. If he makes an excuse, bring up all the finances you've covered (which were a far more significant fraction of your income) and how they exceed what he's put in by far. If he tries to make you feel guilty over this or says "I can't see you unless you pay then because I have to blahblahblah," then you know where his priorities lie.

 

When it comes to preferences, if he keeps on disregarding your wishes to do what he wants without compromise, I would bring this up as well. Hell, even at this point, there's a lot to bring up with him. You seem like a very conscientious person, but don't let others take advantage of that. You've got a lot to offer, and you need to ensure that the person you are with understands this and is willing to work WITH you instead of putting YOU to work.

Posted

My question is why is he not paying for most of the stuff (in the least all the meals since you bought the plane ticket), since he makes more money than you? I'm sorry but when I was in a LDR and my bf both had student loans and part time jobs we at least split everything down the middle financially. He paid for everything or close to everything while I was there and I paid for the plane ticket or vice versa. Sounds to me like you're letting yourself get walked all over and that's never a good look.

Posted

i think you should stop wasting your time and find someone who wants to watch horror movies and pass out candy on Halloween to the little trick or treaters. that sounds like more fun than dressing up like a ho and getting wasted at a bar.

 

just my two cents.

Posted

Hell that's what I'm probably going to be doing this Halloween, lol. It's nice, though.

Posted

It sounds like he just doesn't care and it is almost as if he is ignoring you. How long have you been in a relationship with him? IDK what you guys agreed upon what would be happening but you aren't even being treated like a normal guest. Who has someone fly over and not do stuff what THE GUEST wants to do?

Posted (edited)
Sorry this is long. I hope some of you have the patience to read through this.

 

My bf and I are in a long distance relationship. He is older than I am, and makes quite a bit of money. I recently graduated (during a recession!!) and am only working part time and have student loans.

 

Issue #1: Finances

 

I recently bought a plane ticket to go visit him (and extended my stay when my friend in his area asked me to pet/house sit the following weekend).

I also bought groceries to make dinners for him, and to have some breakfast and lunch food for myself, since he didn't have any in the house.

While he was at work I spent time sweeping and vacuuming his house, doing his laundry, doing the dishes, and doing other chores (like trash, recyclables, pooper scoopering...).

Over the weekend I made him breakfast, and I ended up doing the dishes every time I cooked for us (breakfast and dinner).

 

So far he's bought me 3 meals (2 lunches and a dinner; I offered to pay half and when he declined, I paid the tips for all of them) and a movie ticket. We spent the day together on Friday and Saturday, but then Saturday night I spent reading a book and going to bed early because he was on his computer all night.

 

I don't tend to keep tabs on things like this, but I find this behavior to be pretty insensitive. If you were going to have a guest over, wouldn't you at the very least make sure you had SOMETHING for them to eat when they're home all day without you? This is petty, but I'm pretty annoyed that he has spent a tiny fraction of what I have spent in order for us to hang out. It's definitely in combination with other issues though. Makes it seem like a bigger deal than it normally would be for me, if that makes sense.

 

I wouldn't fuss over the lack of groceries and the lack of meals that he's bought you, to be honest. Also, your mention of the things you've done for him (vacuuming, doing the dishes, etc) - it kinda worries me that you're listing every one of them here in detail! If you're going to begrudge them, honestly, just don't do it. If you're going to do them, do them without expecting something in return.

 

It DOES bother me that he has not even offered to offset the cost of your plane ticket, though. How much did the ticket cost? Or did he offer and you refused?

 

Issue #2: Halloween

 

I hate Halloween. I also think I'm too old to dress up in a slutty costume and get wasted in a bar (something I've never enjoyed - the dressing up part I mean). My ideal Halloween is watching horror movies and handing out candy to little kids.

 

Halloween also happens to be the weekend I'm house/pet sitting - meaning that my chief responsibility is to be at m friends' house. Could I go out later (and then drink only a little or not at all and go home super early in the morning)? Sure I could. But not only does that not sound fun to me, I think it's irresponsible.

 

My bf knows all this. He HAS known all this (and on top of that, me being here for Halloween is an unexpected bonus).

 

He keeps talking about all these parties he's invited too; he's all excited about going out for Halloween and getting wasted/dressing up.

 

Finally, yesterday, he said he would rather stay home with me. I was very happy.

 

Tonight, he's back to: I decided to go to this party, I think it'll be more fun than these other parties; we can't just sit around at home on Halloween, blah blah blah.

 

I'm really disappointed by this. Especially since if I don't go find a costume tomorrow and go out with him, I'll be sitting at home alone. :o Oh, and of course, buying a costume will be more $$ I have to spend. Plus buying gas, and I can say with 85% certainty that I'll end up paying for cabs.

How come you're 85% certain that you'll end up paying for cabs? Other than that, it just sounds like a conflict of interest to me. Frankly, if he wants to go to ONE party that badly, just tack on a zombie mask or something and go with him. As long as he also agrees to watch an horror movie with you and go hand candy out to kids.

 

Issue #3: I'm doing all the work

So tonight I'm at my (best) friend's house/pet sitting. My bf lives 20 mins away without traffic (in other words, if it's not rush hour). I told him last night that tonight if he wants to come over he can, but I'm not leaving the pets alone overnight.

 

But, lo and behold, tonight he wants me to come over, which would entail leaving the animals alone AND borrowing a car, which I could actually do (going so far as to suggest that I "come over at 10pm and leave at 8am, so they're only alone for 10 hours"). He refuses to come over here, citing having to go to work tomorrow and not wanting to leave at 5am to get there on time.

 

His dad works in the same building as him, they don't have to be at work until 9am, and his dad lives literally 2 blocks away from where I am. He could shower here, leave 20 mins earlier than he would leave his OWN house, and get to work on time.

Did you mention the last paragraph to him and see what he says about it? There could be reasons that you've not thought up. Maybe he has a whole lot of stuff at home that he needs to bring to work, so he'd need to go home first, or something.

 

Honestly, though, you shouldn't expect him to bend his back around the house/pet sitting that YOU agreed to do. Also, if I was your best friend, I would honestly not ask you to stay at my house all day to take care of my animals when I know you're here to see your bf. Besides - goodness, what animals are they, that they can't be fed and then left alone for 10 hours????? I know us Asians are kinda insensitive with regards to animals, but I've never met anyone who couldn't bear to have their dog/cat/fish/guinea pigs/parrots/etc left alone for 10 hours.

 

I would have said 'Sure, I'll come over but I don't have transport so it'd be nice if you come pick me up'. If he refuses THAT, then that would be insensitive of him.

 

Issue #4: Activities

When I booked my plane ticket, I made a point to check out what's going on in the area so that we could do some fun activities together.

 

There was one event going on from the day I arrived until 3 days later that I REALLY wanted to go to, that was so cheap it was practically free. I asked him 4 times if we could go. He kept blowing it off with responses like "I don't care what we do as long as I get to see you."

How is that a blow-off???? Sounds to me like, 'Sure, I don't mind as long as I get to see you'. Why didn't you just go ahead and make arrangements for it? Or did he finally disagree to go on that day itself, and you didn't mention it here?

 

I realize that this whole thing makes me sound like a doormat. I guess I am one. :(

 

I'm so disappointed and upset and I don't know what to do.

No, I don't think you're being a doormat. I think you're creating a lot of issues that aren't necessary, and doing a lot of things that aren't necessary. This is purely based on your words, of course, as I don't know what really happened. Please feel free to clarify.

 

Anyway, what I would have done in your situation is:

 

1) If the money was an issue, I would have asked him if he's willing to contribute to the plane ticket. There's nothing wrong with that, since the visit is something that benefits BOTH of you.

 

2) I would not have spent all that time cleaning and cooking for him.

 

3) I would not have agreed to house/pet-sit, except perhaps to pop in once in a while to feed the pets. I suppose this is a difference in culture, maybe - NOONE here has the gall to ask a friend to sit in her house all weekend during a visit to her bf, to babysit pets.

 

4) I would have made the arrangements to go to that event I wanted and asked him if he'd liked to come along.

 

I'm not saying that he's perfectly in the right either - he seems a tad oblivious and insensitive, IMO. But I really do think you're creating a whole lot of issues that didn't need to happen in the first place.

Edited by Elswyth
Posted

I have never seen a sustained long distance relationship. I just don't think that the attraction can be maintained by the man. There are too many distractions for both involved in the relationship as well.

 

I make it a rule to date within 35 drivable miles. I don't even enter into the relationship if this isn't possible.

 

If I was seriously dating a girl and I had to relocate I would want her to move with me. Otherwise, it's a deal breaker. The fact that a girl is willing to move for me is a strong indicator that she is worthy of spending a lifetime with.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thanks for all the responses! Vertex, your response was especially helpful. Someone asked how long we've been dating: about 3 months long distance; 7 months regular relationship before that; casually dated for 3 months before that.

 

As far as the thing with work/his dad: his building is right off the highway, so if he drove and there WAS rush hour traffic, I'm generously estimating that it would take him 40-50 minutes to get to work if he drove (based on several factors). It would take about the same time (maybe faster) if he took the train, which is also an option. When he goes to work from his own house it takes him 30-45 minutes, depending on traffic.

 

I think it's fairly clear that he's a somewhat self-absorbed person (becoming more so to me at least), and when he says he'd have to leave at 5am to get to work on time, he's just exaggerating and being dramatic. His father does not leave for work at 5am, I can assure you. :rolleyes:

 

I wouldn't fuss over the lack of groceries and the lack of meals that he's bought you, to be honest. Also, your mention of the things you've done for him (vacuuming, doing the dishes, etc) - it kinda worries me that you're listing every one of them here in detail! If you're going to begrudge them, honestly, just don't do it. If you're going to do them, do them without expecting something in return.

 

It DOES bother me that he has not even offered to offset the cost of your plane ticket, though. How much did the ticket cost? Or did he offer and you refused?

It's not that I expected him to go shopping specifically for foods I like and stock up on them or anything. I just expected him to have SOMETHING in the house to eat, which I think is a basic expectation when you have a guest. My only reason for pointing out that, in addition to the favors I've done him is to point out the imbalance that I perceive to be going on, as Vertex pointed out. I don't mind doing any of those things, or I wouldn't have done them; however I expect a certain level of consideration back. Don't you in your relationships?

 

The plane ticket cost several hundred dollars, and he didn't offer to help pay for it.

 

How come you're 85% certain that you'll end up paying for cabs? Other than that, it just sounds like a conflict of interest to me. Frankly, if he wants to go to ONE party that badly, just tack on a zombie mask or something and go with him. As long as he also agrees to watch an horror movie with you and go hand candy out to kids.

I'm more like 100% certain I would end up paying for cabs lol. That is based on previous experience, where he somehow NEVER has any cash (they don't take credit here) when we go out. I was just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that possibly he would start taking my finances into consideration when I gave him an estimate of a 15% chance of paying for them rather than me.

 

Did you mention the last paragraph to him and see what he says about it? There could be reasons that you've not thought up. Maybe he has a whole lot of stuff at home that he needs to bring to work, so he'd need to go home first, or something.

We've been dating long enough (when I lived here and we weren't long distance as a matter of fact), and I've spent enough time, and enough weekday mornings watching him get ready for work, and sometimes even dropping him off at work, to know that he doesn't need to bring anything to work. Maybe a snack or a book, which he could certainly bring over here to take to work in the morning. He doesn't even have to get dressed up for work...it's not even business casual.

 

He's also very aware of where his father lives, where his father works, and when his father leaves for work in the morning. When he was blowing smoke up my ass about coming over here before deciding he's lazy and would rather have me go there he mentioned his dad &etc. I don't need to tell him.

 

Honestly, though, you shouldn't expect him to bend his back around the house/pet sitting that YOU agreed to do. Also, if I was your best friend, I would honestly not ask you to stay at my house all day to take care of my animals when I know you're here to see your bf. Besides - goodness, what animals are they, that they can't be fed and then left alone for 10 hours????? I know us Asians are kinda insensitive with regards to animals, but I've never met anyone who couldn't bear to have their dog/cat/fish/guinea pigs/parrots/etc left alone for 10 hours.

I don't expect him to bend over backwards. I expect him to contribute something to this trip/our relationship. I'm the one bending over backwards while he doesn't do a single thing.

 

My trip here to see my bf was initially for a long weekend. My friend asking me to stay to housesit actually meant that I got to extend my trip (which I mentioned in the OP). So I watch her animals for a long weekend (Thursday night through Sunday), and I get to see my bf for an additional WEEK and a few days, over my initial long weekend and not including the time I'm house/pet sitting. My friend also paid for me to change my return ticket, and is paying me to house/pet sit.

 

Animals need to be taken out to poop, fed, watered, walked, played with, and one of them is on an antibiotic and it needs to be taken twice a day, with food, at the same times every day. Am I sitting home all day with them? Of course not, I'm doing other things during the day as well; however agreeing to watch the house and animals for 3 days and 3 nights does come with responsibilities, I'm sure you could agree.

 

If my bf doesn't want to come here, that's fine, since we got to spend plenty of time together, and we'll get to spend even more time together. My only issue with him not coming here, is that I have responsibilities here, and he is pressuring me to go there instead, when if he wants to see me the easiest thing to do is for him to come here.

 

On top of that, why the hell would I go over there at 10pm after taking the animals out one last time, only to leave first thing in the morning, when if he came here after work we could spend actual time together, doing something besides sleeping next to each other?

 

I would have said 'Sure, I'll come over but I don't have transport so it'd be nice if you come pick me up'. If he refuses THAT, then that would be insensitive of him.

Now see, this I think is ridiculous. Why should he make two 40 minute round trips (totaling 80 mins) when I can make one 40 minute round trip. I do have access to a car while here, however I would then end up paying for gas as well.

 

How is that a blow-off???? Sounds to me like, 'Sure, I don't mind as long as I get to see you'. Why didn't you just go ahead and make arrangements for it? Or did he finally disagree to go on that day itself, and you didn't mention it here?

:lmao: You sound like a sweet, naive girl who falls for sweet words from guys instead of paying attention to actions. Sure, that's a nice thing to say. It's just words though. If he really didn't mind, we'd have gone to the event like I wanted. One of the four times I brought it up, he would've said "Great, sounds fun, we can definitely do that on x day you suggested at y time for the event you wanted to see" rather than a non-answer, non-committal answer, specifically: "I don't care what we do as long as I get to see you."

 

Tickets are bought at the event and not in advance; and no, he never came right out and declined to go on any of the days we could've gone and that I suggested. He would give a non-committal response to my request, and then "somehow" we just never made it there in favor of what he wanted to do.

 

No, I don't think you're being a doormat. I think you're creating a lot of issues that aren't necessary, and doing a lot of things that aren't necessary. This is purely based on your words, of course, as I don't know what really happened. Please feel free to clarify.

 

Anyway, what I would have done in your situation is:

 

1) If the money was an issue, I would have asked him if he's willing to contribute to the plane ticket. There's nothing wrong with that, since the visit is something that benefits BOTH of you.

 

2) I would not have spent all that time cleaning and cooking for him.

 

3) I would not have agreed to house/pet-sit, except perhaps to pop in once in a while to feed the pets. I suppose this is a difference in culture, maybe - NOONE here has the gall to ask a friend to sit in her house all weekend during a visit to her bf, to babysit pets.

 

4) I would have made the arrangements to go to that event I wanted and asked him if he'd liked to come along.

 

I'm not saying that he's perfectly in the right either - he seems a tad oblivious and insensitive, IMO. But I really do think you're creating a whole lot of issues that didn't need to happen in the first place.

Thank you for your input.

Edited by Absolutely Curtains
Posted

He sounds pretty selfish to me-do you think you can put up with kind of treatment long term? Doesn't sound like he values you like he should.

  • Author
Posted

 

Halloween: I think choosing to housesit on Halloween is risky in itself, especially if you know you have a boyfriend who will want to spend time with you in some way on a holiday/event/etc. If he was okay with the notion beforehand though, that's another story. I think in this case you guys have different opinions on what is considered "a fun Halloween night" -- it is clear you chose to housesit with the intention of your boyfriend staying home with you, but I am not sure what his opinion was when you made the initial decision. Need more info, there.

I think you're right. Initially I wasn't even going to be here for Halloween, so when I agreed to house/pet sit I wasn't thinking about Halloween, or what we would do, etc. When I told him that I would be staying, he mentioned some parties he was invited to, and I told him that I probably would be staying in that night. But I do think that at some point I was thinking he'd stay in with me, and he was thinking I'd go out with him.

 

He was also being really flakey about everything - mocking all of the parties as being lame, and saying maybe he just wanted to go bar crawling instead.

 

Also, one of the parties that a mutual friend is having would be one that is between his house and where I'm staying, plus I would know people.

 

Last night he told me he decided he was going to a different party, where I don't know anyone, and that is close to him. One of the parties he was telling me is lame, but two of his friends reeeaaallllly want him to go.

 

Doing all the work: Just to get this straight, if your boyfriend came to see you, he'd only have to leave early enough to drive his normal distance plus two blocks plus 20 minutes? Why would he say he'd have to leave at 5? Have you, uh, told him the math, here? lol

:lmao::rolleyes: He's just being ridiculous because he wants me to go there so he doesn't have to come here.

Posted

 

The plane ticket cost several hundred dollars, and he didn't offer to help pay for it.

 

 

Now, THIS is bad. Far worse than anything you've listed so far, in my opinion.

 

I'm more like 100% certain I would end up paying for cabs lol. That is based on previous experience, where he somehow NEVER has any cash (they don't take credit here) when we go out. I was just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that possibly he would start taking my finances into consideration when I gave him an estimate of a 15% chance of paying for them rather than me.

 

So is this. I would talk to him about this (assuming you want to give the relationship a chance) and see what he does about it.

 

He's also very aware of where his father lives, where his father works, and when his father leaves for work in the morning. When he was blowing smoke up my ass about coming over here before deciding he's lazy and would rather have me go there he mentioned his dad &etc. I don't need to tell him.

 

Then call him on it instead of stewing inside!

 

 

My trip here to see my bf was initially for a long weekend. My friend asking me to stay to housesit actually meant that I got to extend my trip (which I mentioned in the OP). So I watch her animals for a long weekend (Thursday night through Sunday), and I get to see my bf for an additional WEEK and a few days, over my initial long weekend and not including the time I'm house/pet sitting.

 

I don't understand how your friend asking you means you GET to extend the trip? If you could've stayed that long why not stay that long in the first place?

 

My friend also paid for me to change my return ticket, and is paying me to house/pet sit.

 

Animals need to be taken out to poop, fed, watered, walked, played with, and one of them is on an antibiotic and it needs to be taken twice a day, with food, at the same times every day. Am I sitting home all day with them? Of course not, I'm doing other things during the day as well; however agreeing to watch the house and animals for 3 days and 3 nights does come with responsibilities, I'm sure you could agree.

 

This, I did not know. Agreed, if she's paying instead of you doing a favour, it changes things a lot.

 

Now see, this I think is ridiculous. Why should he make two 40 minute round trips (totaling 80 mins) when I can make one 40 minute round trip. I do have access to a car while here, however I would then end up paying for gas as well.

 

You mentioned you would have to borrow a car, as if it's something you'd try to avoid? I mean, it's something I would try to avoid, and I assumed so from the way you mentioned it.

 

:lmao: You sound like a sweet, naive girl who falls for sweet words from guys instead of paying attention to actions. Sure, that's a nice thing to say. It's just words though. If he really didn't mind, we'd have gone to the event like I wanted. One of the four times I brought it up, he would've said "Great, sounds fun, we can definitely do that on x day you suggested at y time for the event you wanted to see" rather than a non-answer, non-committal answer, specifically: "I don't care what we do as long as I get to see you."

 

Tickets are bought at the event and not in advance; and no, he never came right out and declined to go on any of the days we could've gone and that I suggested. He would give a non-committal response to my request, and then "somehow" we just never made it there in favor of what he wanted to do.

 

 

Thank you for your input.

 

Trust me, honey, I am not someone who 'falls for sweet words'. But I'm not someone who purposefully reads behind the lines either. If I doubt something, I test it out, rather than just assuming that my assumption is correct.

 

What is this 'somehow'?? Yes, some guys would take you by the hand on yyy morning and say 'Hey, honey, remember you said you wanted to go to xxx? Well, it's coming up today, let's go!'. With others, you actually have to remind them and say 'Hey honey, the event's today! You said you don't mind going, so let's go?'.

 

Anyway, you seem to have your opinion set on the guy - and I do agree, he certainly doesn't seem like a particularly good catch.

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I think the most sensitive, considerate thing my bf has done so far:

He knew I was going to get groceries (he even asked me to pick up things he needed; I'm not kidding when I say he had NO food in his house). So the following day, while I was at the store and he was at work, he texted me saying that he should've given me his credit card.

 

So he is aware on some level at least about the finance thing. (And no, he never offered to give me cash or anything to help pay for the groceries.)

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I don't understand how your friend asking you means you GET to extend the trip? If you could've stayed that long why not stay that long in the first place?

Because she's paying me more than I would make at my PT job. So I have the flexibility to stay, just not the means. Does that make sense? Not sure if I explained that well. Since I'm making money by staying, I can stay; if she hadn't offered me money to do this, I wouldn't have been able to stay.

 

 

You mentioned you would have to borrow a car, as if it's something you'd try to avoid? I mean, it's something I would try to avoid, and I assumed so from the way you mentioned it.

Yes, I'm allowed to use my friend's car; however I would prefer to not use it to that extent. You read that correctly. But at the same time him picking me up doesn't seem practical to me, for the reason I mentioned, and I know he wouldn't think it practical either, so he wouldn't do it. :laugh: I guess my point is that it's becoming more and more obvious to me that he doesn't want to have to put himself out in any way, or go out of his way; he only wants things to be convenient - for him.

 

 

 

Trust me, honey, I am not someone who 'falls for sweet words'. But I'm not someone who purposefully reads behind the lines either. If I doubt something, I test it out, rather than just assuming that my assumption is correct.

K. :) My opinion on this matter might come from knowing my bf, which I understand no one of this forum does. I'll try to keep this in mind though; I'm too involved in the situation to tell if that is the case, or if you're right and I'm making this an issue when it isn't.

 

What is this 'somehow'?? Yes, some guys would take you by the hand on yyy morning and say 'Hey, honey, remember you said you wanted to go to xxx? Well, it's coming up today, let's go!'. With others, you actually have to remind them and say 'Hey honey, the event's today! You said you don't mind going, so let's go?'.

Well, first, there was the fact that when I brought up this event, I was asking him about specific days and he wouldn't commit. And every time I brought it up his first response was "huh, what's that?".

 

But then, by "somehow" I mean...hm....[it appears to me]....one day I want to go in the afternoon. But first we agree to do something he wants to do. But then he totally drags his feet so that it becomes impossible for us to go to my thing. And then another day we spend the whole day doing what he wants, so that afterward he's "too tired" to do what I want. That kind of thing.

 

Anyway, you seem to have your opinion set on the guy - and I do agree, he certainly doesn't seem like a particularly good catch.

I'm just coming across that way because I'm so angry about all this.

 

I feel like this experience is a parody, or a scene from a romantic comedy. You know how the relationship/people in the relationship seem fine and good and then all of a sudden, at some point in the relationship, the guy (or the girl) starts displaying all these bad behaviors and the girl (guy) dumps him (her) for the nice guy (girl)? I feel like that is my relationship right now. Or a parody of a typical relationship, where people start taking each other for granted, only it happened all at once.

 

I don't know if I'm just finally seeing him and his actions clearly, or what's going on.

 

Anyways, we talked on the phone last night - our friends (a couple) invited us to dinner and a movie tonight (Saw VI, which I have no desire to see except that it's a horror film, and horror films are pretty much the only thing I like about Halloween - he knows this, we've had conversations about this). I was looking forward to this and thought it would be fun. He also agreed to go.

 

But then last night he started complaining about how he doesn't want to see that movie (not trying to back out or anything, just having a bad attitude about our plans). I pretty much told him that since he blew off the event I wanted to go to in favor of the things he wanted to do for four days, and since he wasn't doing what I wanted for Halloween either, he better go to this dinner/movie with a smile on his face, because we were finally doing something I wanted to do and I was looking forward to it. That was the gist of the conversation. Just really irritated me, since it's not as though he were suggesting we do anything else, he was just being a jerk about something he agreed to do before I even said anything about it.

Posted
I have never seen a sustained long distance relationship. I just don't think that the attraction can be maintained by the man. There are too many distractions for both involved in the relationship as well.

 

I make it a rule to date within 35 drivable miles. I don't even enter into the relationship if this isn't possible.

 

If I was seriously dating a girl and I had to relocate I would want her to move with me. Otherwise, it's a deal breaker. The fact that a girl is willing to move for me is a strong indicator that she is worthy of spending a lifetime with.

 

Can't believe I missed this. What a double-standard hypocrite. It's fine if you don't want a LDR. But what's this nonsense about it being a dealbreaker unless the GIRL relocates to be with you?? The fact that she's willing to move for you is strong indicator that she is worthy of spending a lifetime with, indeed - and the fact that YOU aren't even willing to CONSIDER staying for her instead (with no mention about circumstances, just that SHE should need to be the one to sacrifice) is a strong indicator that YOU aren't worthy of spending a lifetime with.

 

Back to the topic, OP... I honestly don't think this guy is worth a LDR with. Honey, LDRs are hard enough, that we should only be in them if we think our partner is truly worth all that heartache and effort and sacrifice. While I don't think your guy is really BAD, I don't think he's worth surviving an LDR for.

Posted

he sounds a bit selfish.

Ok, you could assert yourself more but you feel like you shouldnt have to, that he should think of you and realise that you cant afford stuff, or that you dont want to always be doing the things he wants.

 

if you want things to change, you are going to have to put your foot down more. if you're not prepared to do that, expect him to carry on as he is.

 

BTW he may not actually realise how tight money is for you as he clearly has loads.problem is, you dont want to come across as the kind of woman who expects the guy to pay for everything.

 

Maybe next time when he wants you to go see him just tell him that you cant afford it. dont go out of your way financially to see him.

if he's not bothered and doesnt offer to pay for you, you pretty much have your answer.

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Can't believe I missed this. What a double-standard hypocrite. It's fine if you don't want a LDR. But what's this nonsense about it being a dealbreaker unless the GIRL relocates to be with you?? The fact that she's willing to move for you is strong indicator that she is worthy of spending a lifetime with, indeed - and the fact that YOU aren't even willing to CONSIDER staying for her instead (with no mention about circumstances, just that SHE should need to be the one to sacrifice) is a strong indicator that YOU aren't worthy of spending a lifetime with.

 

Back to the topic, OP... I honestly don't think this guy is worth a LDR with. Honey, LDRs are hard enough, that we should only be in them if we think our partner is truly worth all that heartache and effort and sacrifice. While I don't think your guy is really BAD, I don't think he's worth surviving an LDR for.

That's what I thought too, so I ignored it :p Thanks for all the insight and advice! I'm guessing you're also in an LRD.

 

he sounds a bit selfish.

Ok, you could assert yourself more but you feel like you shouldnt have to, that he should think of you and realise that you cant afford stuff, or that you dont want to always be doing the things he wants.

 

if you want things to change, you are going to have to put your foot down more. if you're not prepared to do that, expect him to carry on as he is.

 

BTW he may not actually realise how tight money is for you as he clearly has loads.problem is, you dont want to come across as the kind of woman who expects the guy to pay for everything.

 

Maybe next time when he wants you to go see him just tell him that you cant afford it. dont go out of your way financially to see him.

if he's not bothered and doesnt offer to pay for you, you pretty much have your answer.

 

Thanks, this helps put the situation into perspective. I know that I'm also at fault here.

 

Partly, I think I'm a little shocked by his self-absorbed behavior. He once asked me if I think he's self-absorbed. Apparently someone (or someones, and he wouldn't tell me who) said that he was. At the time I definitely thought he occasionally was, but then, who isn't? He can be very sensitive, caring, generous, considerate, etc., and he often does considerate and sweet things for others, goes out of his way, etc....but more and more I'm thinking that he takes close friends and family for granted, and I'm becoming/have become one of those. ALL self-absorbed behavior I've observed from him is in relation to close friends and family.

 

So, in short, you're absolutely correct when you say that I feel like I shouldn't have to assert myself. Thanks for pointing that out, because (believe it or not) it hadn't occurred to me that this was an issue.

Posted

Havig read all the comments I think he sounds like a douche - for some reason, the calling you and saying that he realized he should have given you his credit card to pay for groceries REALLY rankled me. I mean, not only did he not do it..he also pointed out that he didn't do it! Then to make it even worse, didn't rectify it. A nice guy would have turned up that night with treats or nice stuff from the store to make good on the situation, but clearly he isn't prepared to put himself out in anyway for you. This indicates to me that he is always aware that he is being selfish and that his actions are wrong, but that he simply doesn't care.

 

He didn't pay a dime to your 'plane ticket either...that's so wrong. I don't think he deserves a nice girlfriend like you...

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Havig read all the comments I think he sounds like a douche - for some reason, the calling you and saying that he realized he should have given you his credit card to pay for groceries REALLY rankled me. I mean, not only did he not do it..he also pointed out that he didn't do it! Then to make it even worse, didn't rectify it. A nice guy would have turned up that night with treats or nice stuff from the store to make good on the situation, but clearly he isn't prepared to put himself out in anyway for you. This indicates to me that he is always aware that he is being selfish and that his actions are wrong, but that he simply doesn't care.

 

He didn't pay a dime to your 'plane ticket either...that's so wrong. I don't think he deserves a nice girlfriend like you...

:laugh: I wasn't sure if I should take that incident as flakiness or something else (he does stuff like that quite a bit).

 

How's the sex?

Very good and very frequent.

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Very good and very frequent.

*He's not self-absorbed (I don't think) when it comes to sex. He waits until I finish.

Posted

That's what I figured. I see this a lot, both IRL and here on LS. I predict your conflict will continue for some time. Hopefully, it will be satisfying for you. Best wishes :)

Posted

 

So, in short, you're absolutely correct when you say that I feel like I shouldn't have to assert myself. Thanks for pointing that out, because (believe it or not) it hadn't occurred to me that this was an issue.

 

it is a big deal.

there are lots of things that we have to work on in relationships but being considered shouldnt be one of them.

 

Just an example,

I had a bit of a situation with my ex like this. It wasnt about how we spent our time or money anything, but when it came to decisions about our home, he would ask my opinion and then never go with mine if it differed to his.

Like merely by him asking meant he was doing his bit, but then totally poo-pooed my responses, made me feel like my opinions just werent valid enough for him to consider.

 

We were decorating and I had to put my parts on SO much just to get a colour I wanted, like for days and days he eventually gave in but just did it like 'of course you can, i dont know why you're making such a fuss'. totally not acknowledging the amount of stress I had to go through in order to get my way.

It wasnt that he was being nasty or even did it on purpose, but I felt belittled, and I think thats how you feel sometimes too.

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