Lost in the aftermath. The things I did wrong

[wally]

I think I have managed to lose myself completely. I separated from my W late April of this year after 23 years of marriage to my basically mutual best friend. The reason behind the split was me feeling as though I was not in love, but yet I love her very much. I felt unchallenged, not attracted to her, and just empty most of the time throughout the marriage. On the bright side of things, we raised a really awesome kid and provided a nice place to grow up with lots of love. Neither one of us had that, and it was major important for us to break the cycle.

 

About a month after we split up, I started dating. Well, that’s what I was trying to do anyway. I had met someone on line who was amazing to talk to, but lived far away, and then I met someone about 15 minutes away. I had every intention of being friends first with this person, and about 6 hours later we were having sex. Oops! This was my first sexually experience with another woman in 24+ years.

So, I’m writing this post today, because I think I have lost me. I gave myself absolutely no time to figure out how to live alone, and jumped deep into a relationship that I have no confidence about. Quite honestly, I can’t even breakup and have it stick because she says she feels like she is in love for the first time in her life, and I seem to be hitting a wall of guilt and shame, which I am about to elaborate on. All I know is I don’t feel happy. I’m in love yet, my brain is telling me that this is not the person I should spend the rest of my life with.

Clearly seeing as how, I knew I wasn’t in love in my marriage, there would no possible way that I should be held up seeking what I was longing for right? Seems rational, no? If there was an opposite of W, my newfound girlfriend is it. My wife was as laid back as they come. We never fought, we were together 24/7, and she practically went along with everything I ever wanted to do. Hmm, I miss that a little now! The new GF, is forward, assuming, guesses my words, is in my head, is overbearing, needy as heck, insecure, and she wants sex so often that it seems to easy. On top of that she has a 7 and 10 year old in which I have major philosophical differences about how she is handling them. Lets just say they are ungrateful, disrespectful, and there is no follow through with discipline. Did I mention I really didn’t want to raise anymore kids? Oh, almost forgot, her X is a real ass! He like to yell at her and everyone he comes in contact with. I have this feeling, that because I can’t tolerate screaming matches, that eventually it will come to blows between the two of us.

I feel oppressed!

Now lets just pour some drinks on this mess, and shake it up a little. The time with the new GF has mainly been centered on drinking and smoking. Oh btw, I picked up one of her cigarettes on our second date and haven’t stopped smoking since. YUK! Yeah, I hadn’t smoked for a good 12 years or so. I seriously wasn’t looking for a drinking buddy when I set out on this journey. Actually what I was hoping for was someone that lit me up and helped me reach a higher form of existence. Remember I mentioned that I never fought with my wife, well I have had at least 10 blowout arguments with GF. This is just not like me! She just kept going and going and going OFF. All I can say is that I lived that as a kid, watching my Dad, and Mom, then my Dad and stepmom, go at it. I just don’t care screaming matches! Anyway, I refuse to have anymore of these things happen.

The GUILT: I think I would prefer lighting my foot on fire rather than life with the guilty feelings I have going on. The one that doesn’t seem to ever go away is about my W and how she has to start over. That ties in with my 23 year old son, who is has watched his stable surroundings crumble before his eyes. He does not like GF, because she really doesn’t even try to get to know him. Just sits there quietly. WTF? Sorry. Anyway, there is guilt for being with someone else, having her at my home, that is still W’s home too, guilt for smoking, drinking, the time that I haven’t spent with my son, my family, all the loved ones that are on her side. UGH!

And then the crying. Lets see, I cried maybe 6- 8 times that I can remember in the last24 years prior to the split. In the last 6 months, WOW!, 60 or more. At first I thought it was because I was happy and in love, and the overwhelming sensation of being intimate for the first time in a long time. You know, feeling things I haven’t felt for like ever. Sometimes it would pour out for no apparent reason. I still don’t understand where the flood of emotion is coming from? Maybe all that stuff I said in the previous paragraph?

Anyway, I have this feeling that I need to move on. Like I need to find myself again, and somehow be happy with me. Maybe focus on my business, my home, and just do the simple things in life that keep our little worlds held together. I clearly have to be able to break this relationship off, even though she is deeply in love with me

I would love to hear what everyone has to say. Maybe even take a stab at telling me what I did wrong and what I should do. Oh, and how can I be in love with someone, and know it will never work? So go ahead and pick me apart, relate your own experiences and we can all get a little healthier together.

[Auroracoladybug]

Wow...Wally you need to break up with your GF ASAP! you know that is not healthy for you or her kids. Sounds like there is something terribly wrong in all of this. You need to get out and focus on you and those things that you want most (I think you have proven that intimacy was not what you were missing). You say that you want more time with family that your W was basically your best friend (sound like the proverbial I love you but...). Honestly I think you need her more than ever now if she really is that best friend. You need to figure out what really matters to you and it is NOT this GF. Good luck Wally and keep posting.

[imagine]

I told a lady I was courting before I met my wife, that I did not see her as a marriage partner. She scaled things down all by herself.

 

I suspect this woman sees you as a solution to all her problems. I doubt that the SF will continue as well as it does now into a marriage.

 

Repent!

[seibert253]

Wow,

Your GF is falling into the abyss, and she's bringing you right down with her.

You need to get the hell out while you still can, otherwise the crash and burn is iminent.

[dazedandconfused2008]

All i can say is that marriage takes work. A marriage can get stale if there is no commitment to each other to help change that. Did you and your wife get any type of counseling or ic?

 

Personally, I believe the problem here isnt about your marriage or your spouse...but the relationship about yourself. You and your wife became this mesh of one identity over time. You lost your personal identity along the way. This usually happens in long term relationships. Now...you are not together 24/7 and are both lost. The codependency you and your wife have lived with for so long is so strong, and its hard to know where you start and where you end and where she starts and where she ends. Its no wonder you felt so empty for so long in the marriage. Who are YOU really? By the sounds of it..its like your functioning and lost a piece of yourself (well this combined mesh of an identity) and you have. Your lost right now...and really its not a bad thing. This is where you get to find out who you are...and you will never find that through someone else. That is always the big mistake. What do YOU want out of life? What makes YOU feel good about yourself? What kinds of things do YOU like to do or have always wanted to try or have gave up? You can only find these answers ALONE. Your wife needs to find her own answers to these as well.

 

Its soooo hard getting out of that codependency trap. Believe me i know. When me and my ex split up i remember i knew i had a problem when i went grocery shopping alone and couldnt decide for the life of me what kind of cereal to buy. I literally stood there for like 15 mins like an idiot not knowing what to decide. I was so used to letting him make decisions for me. I agreed with everything he said like your wife. No wonder you feel unchallenged. It gets tiring to be with someone that doesnt have an opinion themselves and if they do they dont put up much of a fight to stick to it. You love your wife because she complies with whatever you want. There is no fighting. You share the same values and same childhood. But its unsatisfying because there is no individuality in either of you. Its been lost.

 

That individuality is what makes a marriage more spicy...more....alive. Being an individual will involve arguments and disagreements and at times getting angry...thats all part of being able to be yourself, and being able to express needs and wants...it doesnt need to be a screaming match. It also involves understanding, compromises, and sharing decisions and listening. Two individuals sharing a life together and working together as equals makes a marriage. Not one person.

 

Its ok to have a marriage and be your own person too, and have your own lives, and do your own things, that do not hurt or destroy a family, and most of all the way it makes you feel good about yourself. Its healthy. Follow your gut...if it doesnt feel right then it isnt right for you. Its going against your inner values.

 

Sorry to say but the gf is not going to complete you. You have to complete you. You have to become an individual and so does your wife. Your wife needs to ask herself the same questions in regards to who she is and what she wants out of HER life. So important to not let ourselves go.

 

Honestly...i dont think you did a bad thing in leaving. Your feelings told you something wasnt right and your thinking told you to leave the relationship. It was the right thing to do at that time because your gut told you something is not right here. As for the dating...im guessing you did out of loneliness and trying to fill that empty painful void? Its a natural reaction when we experience change and breaking up. ESPECIALLY harder when the codependency is strong. Starting with someone else....gives people that temporary high...that fresh start feeling...but they do NOT fill that void in the end as you are now seeing. Its all a mask. Your gut is trying to tell you something by these bad feelings because what you are doing does not make you feel good about yourself. Listen to your gut. What is it telling you? Is this you and what YOU want for your life? Only you and you alone can find your answers and what comes from it. Maybe now its time to step up be alone and take care of yourself and find yourself...be the person you can be. Whatever happens from then...take it one day at a time.

 

Even if you and your wife both decide to stay together, You CAN still go on this journey and find yourself while in the marriage. Change is a good thing...very hard...but much needed. Change means stepping out of our comfort zone and having to face our fears...or whats been missing. Maybe your marriage will come out even stronger after this...maybe it wont...but whatever happens...follow your gut and if it makes you feel good about yourself then its gotta be the right path.

Edited October 29, 2009 by dazedandconfused2008

[TwoForgiving]

Everything dazedandconfused wrote is true. And it sounds like you fell into the classical rebound relationship after your marriage fell apart. You quickly got involved with someone who is almost the opposite of your wife and who was giving you attention and sex to make you feel good. But in honest reality you were with your wife for 23 years, so not all of her behavior could have been bad. You've started to realize that you enjoy some of the qualities that your wife had and see them lacking in the new woman. She helped you heal from the end of your marriage with her attention but you're not happy with her. Your gut is already telling you that you're not happy.

 

Break it off with this woman, stay single for a little while, and find yourself. Get to really know what you want in life, what you have to offer, and what you want in a partner and then start dating again.

[Gunny376]

First off your being way, way too hard on yourself.

 

Quit beating yourself up!

 

You've got plenty of people just waiting outside your front door to do the job for you!

 

Just to see the look on your face.

 

We're talking people with Louisville Sluggers here!

 

You did what you had to do.

 

You weren't happy with what you had ~ and now your not happy with what you've got.

 

dazedandconfused2008 got it right when he/she(?) said its your job to find happiness within and of yourself.

 

Your responsible for your happiness in life ~ not someone else.

 

But beware!

 

Its a Mother to find in and of yourself!

 

You've struck out on a road that is lonely and alone!

 

A lone and desert highway!

 

If you persist?

 

You will find yourself?

 

Not to quote some acid addict.

 

But I took some time off, and found out who and what I'm about.

 

What to put in, what to leave out, and what is most important in and with my life.

 

Its not money, fame, nor fortune!

 

Its about one woman loving one man!

[wally]

Update!

First off, Thank you for all your comments!!! You people are very caring, and I very much appreciate it!

 

Ok. I don't exactly feel so good and I hope to hell I did the right thing. I sent my girlfriend a text this morning telling her I was calling off the weekend to have some more time alone. I was just going to have my space and try to make certain that my gut matched what I possibly needed to do. I got a phone call a few seconds later and she started questioning me about what was going on. I told her I needed space and that I wasn't all that happy. She asked me what she was supposed to do all weekend while she sat around and crying, waiting for a phone call, and the hammer to fall. I then said that even though I might have remorse about this decision, I didn't think it was fare to leave her twisting in the wind, and let the breakup thing come out. My words at first were centered around me finding myself, and then I mentioned some of the things that I wasn't comfortable with in the relationship. She begged me not to do this, said I was cold, and not thinking about her. She said she can't believe this is happening when we were building something together, and how is she going to tell her Mom and her kids. She without a doubt wanted to spend possibly the rest of her life with me.

 

The screwed up thing here is that I feel absolutely horrible. I really do love this women. So how can you be in love with someone and have to do these types of things? Yes, she can clearly lay on the guilt. She is happy for the first time in her life, she says, and in love beyond anything she has felt before. These are things she said to me in the hour and half phone call, where I remained silent through almost all of it. And why didn't I do this in person? The answer is, it doesn't work. I've tried before. I know I came off as cold, and uncaring! The truth is, all I do is worry about the pain that comes from doing something like this. Hell, I stayed through 5 times trying to break up. What if I made the wrong choice here?

[FeelingLonely98]

You and your wife became this mesh of one identity over time. You lost your personal identity along the way. This usually happens in long term relationships. Now...you are not together 24/7 and are both lost. The codependency you and your wife have lived with for so long is so strong, and its hard to know where you start and where you end and where she starts and where she ends.

 

But its unsatisfying because there is no individuality in either of you. Its been lost.

 

That individuality is what makes a marriage more spicy...more....alive.

 

Its ok to have a marriage and be your own person too, and have your own lives, and do your own things, that do not hurt or destroy a family, and most of all the way it makes you feel good about yourself.

 

Even if you and your wife both decide to stay together, You CAN still go on this journey and find yourself while in the marriage. Change is a good thing...very hard...but much needed. Change means stepping out of our comfort zone and having to face our fears...or whats been missing. Maybe your marriage will come out even stronger after this...maybe it wont...but whatever happens...follow your gut and if it makes you feel good about yourself then its gotta be the right path.

 

Wow D&C2008 - Nice post. I caught just a few lines of your post above. Do you think it is possible for a relationship stuck in this unhealthy co-dependency / no individuality RUT to be fixed or improved? HOW?

 

Not sure, but maybe my STBXW and I were sort of in this. I am pretty sure I was.

 

Thoughts???

[dazedandconfused2008]

I learned about codependency from this really good book that i found by chance. The book is called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie...and her more recent book....The New Codendency by Melody Beattie. She writes from experience and although she uses alcoholism in her book as the main source of examples....codendency applies to each and everyone of us. The book talks about how and why we become codendent...how to let go and detach...how to learn to take care of ourselves and let ourselves and others live their lives. Her book isnt about leaving relationships...although that sometimes has to happen...but about self care and self love. Sometimes when we are in the process of change...the journey...the people around us either leave to continue their ways...or it makes them want to change too. Bottom line is we CANNOT CONTROL OTHERS ONLY OURSELVES. Its not about "fixing" other people or situations. (Although when we start to take care of and find ourselves first they seem to fix themselves in time). Its just about living our lives and letting people live theirs. If anything...its a good read.

 

What i love about Melody Beattie is that shes not some big doctor but a person with YEARS of life experience and her books are worldwide and used in universities and colleges in psychology and various subjects.

 

If you do decide to check them out let me know what your thoughts are.

[sfveggie]

dump this girlfriend right away. talk about from the frying pan into the fire. no sex is worth this amount of drama and obligation. you are free for the first time in 23 years. BE FREE. stay single. date. only date women CASUALLY. no hard core sex without a friends with benefits agreement.