lostlove1 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I don't even know where to begin..........my heart and mind are battling each other daily.......and it is making me crazy.........let me start from the beginning....and a warning here.....it is long, but its hard to condense years into a few paragraphs.... About 6 years ago my then best friend tried to hook me up with a friend of hers, there was really no interest at the time. As the friendship grew and developed, I started to fall in love; but I didn't realize this, or I should say I didn't want to admit it, I was stubborn and in denial and very afraid of getting hurt. But most of all, I had never felt such strong feelings for another person before, the constant year of butterflies and the energy I felt just being next to him. There was such a sense of peace. Unfortunatley, he never came out and expressed his feelings for me....and of course I didn't admit any feelings to him...... At the same time my then best friend was also having me talk and console another member of this mans family. Come to find out he also had an interest in me. I was not interested. As time went on, my then best friend was going back and forth telling me horrible things about the man she initially set me up with. Of course I believed her, she was my best friend...right???? Well, come to find out she was the most evil person I had ever met. To make a very long 6 year story shorter......she was at the same time encouraging me to be with the mans family member, telling me that he was more for me and loved me, etc. etc. etc. As time went on, we ended up in a serious relationship, had a baby, and got married. After the baby, I noticed that we really had nothing in common...sadly....but staying together as family is important to me. It wouldn't be as bad but there are times when I feel, I should say, I know that my husband is emotionally abusive to me. I try to communicate this with him over and over, he changes things for a week or so and then goes back to his old ways. I do love him....I don't feel like I am in love with him anymore because of the emotional damage he has done to my heart....but I keep hoping in time, he will get it right, and I will heal. Seems like all should be okay?? Well, things were okay until about a year ago. I had asked my husband if I could contact the man from my past, since he was related to him and clear the air on a few things that were really bothering me, and so I wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable at family gatherings, etc. I make the call, and we spoke for quite awhile....what I wasn't expecting is that he confessed all his feelings to me...he told me how much he loved me and that he fell in love with me and is still in love with me, and that it would never change. The reason he had never admitted any of these feelings to me before is because he too was being told horrible negative things about me by my then best friend. We had both bought into everything she had said, and trusting her as a best friend had no reason to doubt her. He too was afraid of the strong feelings he had, and afraid of getting hurt. So we both were guilty of letting another person control our lives...... All of a sudden things made sense. I broke down after we got off the phone. I realized then and there how much I really loved him. I had been having dreams for over 5 years about this man and now they all made sense. I have been so sick to my stomach and nervous, realize this has been almost a year. I feel guilty that I love him. He is still in my dreams, and I think about him everyday....it never ever goes away. I feel like such a bad person because I am not in love with my husband.....I feel guilty because we have a child and I feel like I need to stay in this relationship for my child. I am hoping that I will get some good advice to help me sort things out. When I write all this out I feel really stupid.....
seibert253 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Is the other guy married? Does your husband know about your conversation and how you feel? OK. If the other guy is married, you need to let it go, because if you don't you will end up destroying two families. If he's not married, well then you need to make a choice: 1. Stay married and work on fixing your relationship, (yes it can be done, your husband can change, he just needs the incentive to do so, I'll discuss this in a bit) 2. D your husband and pursue the other guy. Now about your husband; As I said, he needs an incentive to change. I guarentee you that if you tell him about your conversation with the other guy, and how you have feelings for him, and the fact that you still love your H but are falling out of love with him, it will be an eye opening experience for your H to say the least. This will be the 2X4 upside his head that should wake him up. Your marriage is salvagable, but will require commitment from BOTH of you. If you and he are not commited to change for the better, then you are wasting your time. Peace and God Bless
Author lostlove1 Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 No the other man isn't married. I take a lot of pride in being honest.....but unfortunately my husband is not an understanding person. I would love to be able to sit down with him and tell him the whole story and all of my feelings...... My husband has a short fuse, and would just react and he would say a lot of cruel things and walk out. That is why I have this all bottled up inside, thats why its tearing me apart, and that is why I'm afraid. I know that if I tell him, he will be gone and life will change. Maybe this should be one of my clues.....I am with a partner that I can't communicate with.
seibert253 Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Your life already has changed, and it will never be the same again, so what's different here? Look, no matter how your husband reacts, even if he is a jerk, you owe him that little bit of respect to be honest with him. Let him throw his temper tantrum. Trust me, you will have a great weight lifted from your sholders when you tell him. Otherwise you will continue to carry this guilt and doubt. Read alot of BS's threads, especially those whose wives confessed to an A, (not admitting it after being caught, big differnece). You'll see alot of these guys in retrospect identified their faults, and worked on changing these. Who knows you maybe able to eventually put your husband into that catagory. But, eventually you will have to choose, one or the other. The way things are now is not fair and disrespectful to both. One deserves your full love and attention. Plus staying in this situation is unfair and disrespectful to yourself. I think everyone involved deserves better than what's currently going on.
Barby Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Staying in the relationship for the sake of your child isn't always the best thing to do. If your relationship is stormy with your H and he is emotionally abusive...what kind of example is that setting for your child? Maybe you should let your husband know you're no longer happy...you're feeling the desire to leave the relationship...take a break...then see how you feel. I would however at least let it be known that you're in contact with this family member of his so it's not some big secret that comes out and causes drama for you and his family. It sucks having more than one person in your heart at a time but seriously it's more unfair to your child to be in a stressful atmosphere. Consider your options carefully, re-get to know this other man and see if he is all you've always dreamed of him being (his lifestyle, views, ect) before making any serious choices.
bloggervenus Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I think the decision to stay with your husband or not should be completely independent of this other guy. You have not lived with this guy and you do not know what kind of life you are going to have with him, even if you start spending time with him now and trying to get to know him. We all know that living together and being married is a whole different ball game. My advice is to not mix up the two issues. The decision you need to make is not between two guys. It is whether you are or can be happy in this marriage with your husband, or you need to leave him. The other guy and whether he is the right person for you or not is a whole different story and you shouldn’t complicate your life by mixing the two. Something was going on in your life, you were unhappy and dissatisfied with something, and that is why you decided to call this OM. Let’s be frank here. Your excuse was that you wanted to clear some things up, but why now? Why suddenly deciding to do this? It seems to me that you were not being fulfilled in your marriage and you decided to seek the approval, love, and affection somewhere else. It is very natural for marriages to go through phases like this, especially the few years after a child is born. Both parents are tired and stressed and always focused on the child. They forget to work on their marriage. Romance and intimacy goes out the window. Resentment starts to build up, and so on. I say, put the other guy completely aside for now. Don’t use him as an escape. Focus on your marriage. Focus on YOUR life. What do you want? What are your desires? Ultimately, happiness comes from within. Start working on yourself. Do you give yourself enough value? Do you treat yourself well? Do you have enough self-esteem? This is a growth opportunity for you. Read some books. Take a personal development class. Take care of yourself. Drink plenty of water. Take vitamins. Get busy with a hobby. Be kind to yourself. Start a journal and write about your thoughts and desires. Then, we you are ready, sit down and talk to your husband. If it helps find a MC who can help you communicate with him. I am not suggesting you do this for your husband or because marriage or sacred or any of that. I am suggesting that you do this for yourself. If you don’t, you leave this marriage and will end up repeating the same experience with someone else. What is your lesson here? Only you can tell.
TenaciousWoman Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Get this book "When good people have affairs"... I think it could really help you see and clarify what you need, what you really want in your life, and what would be best for you, your children, your future, it deals with all of the issues you are facing. http://www.amazon.com/When-Good-People-Have-Affairs/dp/0312563442/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257352626&sr=8-1
boldjack Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 OP, what you are doing NOW is far worse than divorce. You are not showing your H any respect at all, at least have the decency to tell him the truth. If he walks, or stays, at least you won't be guilty of deceiving him. Your child is very young and will adapt to the situation. After you come clean, and he has had his confrontation, give him enough time , then discus the child rearing arrangements.
Author lostlove1 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Posted November 4, 2009 I know that it is disrespectful....and its killing me.......I have really been trying to focus on just him and keeping our marriage together..... I seriously feel that if he didn't keep up with the rollercoaster ride of emotional abuse then I would not even let my mind or heart stray....becasue before it had ever happened I was never even questioning my feelings. I know we need a marriage counselor and I think I will make some calls today. Thank you for all of your thoughts and advice.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 And this is why men should not get married, at all!!!! Women cannot make up their minds. You married a man you possibly never loved because you still had this other man in your head... Why didnt you marry him!!! Why do this to your husband and your family all in the name of your love. Is your emotions that off kilter you cant remain in one place emotionally. You dont know which way is up because you never made a decision!!! You never gave your husband and your marriage a real chance! You need to make a choice. it isnt fair to your husband, you or your family. If you cant get your head right!
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