Kppage82 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 1st post here, thanks for taking the time to listen and give your responses. I'll try to be as brief as possible. I'm going through a ton of sadness and grief. I met my 1st love in '92 at my then job. We were friends for a few years, I at the time had never had any kind of relationship with anyone, and was not aware that I was a "lesbian". Her and I were instant friends at work from the start. I always thought she was straight, as she had many guys after her and looked very much like a straight woman. It wasn't till maybe about 2yrs later that our friendship took a turn and we started hanging out together outside of work more often. after a month or two, we were both getting heavily intoxicated in my car and one thing led to another and we were making out and having sex. This went on for a few months. However at that point in time we never address the issue of "are we gay?" I did ask her if shed been "intimate" with other females ever and she said "No" she did mention that as a kid she'd stare at other "pretty girls" in her classes and in cheerleading. however I did have a feeling that she might have maybe kissed other girls in the past...Never the less things were going great between us for a total of 4-6mos. At that time I was still very young (20yrs old) and concerned about what people thought of me so I told a few white lies, nothing too heavy, just didn't want to tell her my folks were not keen in letting me go out with friends or that we lived in a bad area of town or that my parents were immigrants from a different country, petty stuff like that. She then flipped out and cut off almost all "sexual" intimacy between us. However emotionally it was all there and that went on for (get this) 4/5yrs. During that time there were some very sexually charged moments, however no sex or full on making out. I got frustrated and I guess would create things to make her jealous (ie obviously looking at other girls in front of her or making comments about other women) After she ended this relationship all together, we still lived together for 3yrs. At the time of the official break up, we have a very serious and open heart to heart. She told me it would be EXTREMELY difficult for her to deal with the fact that I would be with other women and that I would be possibly bringing these other women to our apt we would continue to share. She told me, I was the ONLY woman she'd ever been & be with. I told her Id almost die if I saw/heard her with ANYONE else other than me but, that we should continue to live together as roommates. I at that point, was not ready to cut all ties with her, so by living as roommates, I felt I still had her in my life.....3rs of living as roommates, we had a very teary heart to heart of her telling me she was moving back into her parents house and that she'd terminated our apt lease....without going through all of the details of my pain, I was completely heartbroken/ill for days on end. After we've moved out, we still kept in touch through phone calls and a handfuls of me asking her out to dinners. I was out on the town one night, when randomly I bumped into her and some other woman she was with along with some guy friend of hers. I didn't know what to think, I was gobsmaked. I had to talk to her. I went into the same bar they'd gone into. I composed myself, went up to her and made small talk. To this day I've no idea what I said but, I do know it was civil. I exited the bar but, lingered outside chain smoking. Her guy friend came out and started small talk with me. In that chat with this fella, he point blank asked me "Is (we'll call her Marie) Marie gay? because ever since I introduced her to (the woman she was with that night) the pair of them have been inseparable". In so many words I said I didn't think she was but, that he should ask her. I did also mention to him that I was gay. a few weeks after that encounter, I rang Marie up a few times and to no avail, she never picked up her phone nor returned my calls. I'm assuming this guy and Marie must have had a chat about what Id said to him outside the club. A year or so passed and still no returned calls nothing. I didn't know what to think, "was she dating that woman Id seen her with?", "was she mad at me for somewhat insinuating that she might be gay to her male friend?" I didn't and still don't know. Around that same time, a friend of mine, called me up inquiring about a resume faxed to his company, from a Marie X who worked at the same company I had mentioned to him Id worked at in the past. He faxed me this persons resume and as it transpired it was Marie who unknowingly faxed her resume to his company looking for a job. Time passed and no type of communication between Marie and I. I called her number about 3yrs ago, got a disconnected message and her parents home was sold, the real-estate market was about to crash in about of year or so. They'd moved. I had no way to communicate with her. I was crushed. I thought about her often. Fast forward to the present. I came across Maries resume that Id never discarded. Something made me call the number where she'd faxed the resume to my friend from. I thought it was a work number or something, and didn't even know if she would work there or if someone knew her. But, I was going to take a chance. I was nervous, palms sweating, lump in my throat. I didn't know what I was going to say to her if she answered or came to the phone. A man answered, I asked "May I speak with Marie X?" He replied someone what confused "This is her IN-LAWS number" Completely blitz, I gathered enough mustard and said "that's ok I'll call her cell" and hung up....I was chinned, gobsmaked, dumbfounded. The love of my life was married...which triggered the question, "to whom is she married to, a man or a woman???" I did some free Sherlock Holmes internet detective work and discovered she married some guy and is living in a different state close to her parents new home....I knew for a few years people/her parents probably speculated about her possibly being gay even though she'd always had boyfriends. for all the years her and I were together, people assumed we were together, although we were not "out" nor did we ever tell anyone we were together. I however, have always "looked" gay, which I reckon fueled the rumors....I'm absolutely heartbroken because I guess somewhere in the back of mind I hoped that ONE day she'd come back to me or we'd end up together and now its not happening....Is it wrong of me to think that she might of married this guy, of course she cares for him and probably does love him but, also to maybe cover/end any rumors of her maybe being a lesbian? She's 50 and this is her 1st time being married. No kids either. I would really like to hear some advice on ways of how I can put this 1st love behind me.
Recommended Posts