Khabarak Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Here is my situation: I met this girl several months ago between classes. She was always very friendly toward me, would wave enthusiastically at me from a distance, would start a conversation with me, etc. We talked a little at school, I added her as a friend on Facebook. She had a boyfriend, so nothing really ever happened. We only exchanged the occasional message on Facebook (maybe 3-4 times in 4-5 months), always initiated by me. We're in college. Class schedules have changed, so we never see each other in person anymore, but I happened to run into her when I was shopping the other day. She recognized me, said hello, and started talking -- very friendly toward me as usual. She doesn't have a boyfriend anymore. Unfortunately, my mom was with me so things were a bit awkward that day. She worked at one of the stores there, and I needed to go back anyway so I sent her a message on Facebook essentially saying, "I hope I'll see you again." Her reply was a little encouraging, but not as encouraging as her actions in person. The following all happened on Facebook: She told me she wouldn't be working again until next week. I asked her what she would think if I waited to go back until she was working again, and she said I could if I wanted to, but she mentioned that we probably wouldn't be able to talk much there since she would be at work and also expressed a concern that if they were really busy she might not be able to talk at all and would then feel bad. At this point she had to leave... After some consideration I sent her a message that basically acknowledged that her workplace isn't really the ideal place to talk and that I would hate to make her feel bad if she didn't have time to talk to me after I waited. Then I suggested that rather than me waiting to meet her at work that we just meet at the student union on campus sometime in the next week as it would be a much better place to talk anyway. I apologized that the invitation was coming through Facebook, noting that, aside from meeting her at work, it was my only option. I've been told by a number of people on here that Facebook isn't a dating site and that it spells doom when it comes to dating. I don't feel like I was treating it that way (at least not this time). Keep in mind that I've known this girl for several months, and most of our interactions have been in the real world.... Do you think suggesting that we meet in the student union through Facebook was a bad idea? I eagerly await your input! Thanks in advance.
Tiz Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 (edited) Yes, bad idea, but you're not totally finished. First, apologizing for contacting through Facebook was a bad idea. Your apology without really knowing this girl that well shows weakness on your part. This chick is giving you buying signals, and you're twiddling your thumbs over-thinking everything as most guys do. Who cares if she has a boyfriend? I would have gotten the number when she was initially flirting with me and taken it from there. You know then if she doesn't give it up you won't be wasting time and energy thinking like you have been about this. Always get the number early on. If she starts jaw flapping when you ask. Next! Most college girls are ding-dongs anyway, so you're facing a challenge already. Meet her at the union, have a cup of coffee for 45 minutes or so, and keep it funny. Based on what you think, get the phone number (or not), wait a week, and call her for a bigger date. Initiate no contact at all after you have coffee with her (no texts, emails, Facebook, voicemails). And, don't take her out on Friday or Saturday. Sunday after noon is fine or a weekday is fine. Let me know how this goes. I'd like to keep up with this. Edited October 29, 2009 by Tiz
Author Khabarak Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Well, it wasn't much of an apology really. I'm not to worried about that. It was like one sentence that basically says I'd rather have done this in person. Of course, that is what I meant, how it is interpreted depends on her I guess. I understand what you're saying about the signals... I was going to ask her for her phone number until I found out she had a boyfriend. I guess I could've pursued things a little more regardless, but even when I seeing her at school it wasn't a frequent thing. It was usually like one day a week (at best) for a few minutes (5 - 15) before class and often times someone else was talking to me/her further cutting down the time. Of course, I understand it doesn't take that long to ask for a phone number. Also, I didn't mean to give the impression that I've been lurking and waiting for her relationship to break apart. I didn't expect anything ever to come of it... she was sort of just an extraneous friend on my Facebook page until I ran into her at the store. In other words, I only thought about it a little bit initially, and then some now. I'm not usually in town on Friday or Saturday anyway, so no big deal there... Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it and I'll keep you posted.
Tiz Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 (edited) I didn't think you were lurking. All I'm saying is this "boyfriend" could've been on his way out the door or you could be the replacement. I never care what the girl says or what you hear from other people. I always bottom line her actions. If she says she has a boyfriend and she gives you her phone number that says something. Right? It's all about her interest level in you. Edited October 29, 2009 by Tiz
Author Khabarak Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Yeah, I understand. I suppose you're right. She updated her Facebook status earlier, but didn't write me back (she had been writing me back right away). Maybe she just didn't have time, but for now lets pretend she doesn't write me back. If that is the case, would being persistent by catching her at work and inviting her to do the same thing in person be unreasonable? I mean, if I don't get an answer at all this time, is it unfair to ask again?
Tiz Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 First, whatever you do, don't contact her again for awhile. Give it 5-9 days, and see if she writes you a message on Facebook. Are you doing this through message or are you writing on her Wall? Only use the message function for setting up dates. I don't like emails though. If you don't hear from her in 5-9 days try to catch her between classes again. I never ask girls out at work. I just don't think it's the right thing to do. Also, most girls I think are more receptive to your pursuit when not working. If you don't get a Facebook message back from her within a week I'd say you're finished, but if you want to make sure catch her between classes like I said. Ask her if she got your Facebook message. Call her on her lack of a response. Get back to me and tell me what her answer was. Whatever you do get her home phone number. If she gives you a cell number ask for the home or dorm number too. I like to call and get a girl on a home phone that way girls are way less distracted when you call. If you really want to get crazy you can get what's called a spoofcard (http://www.spoofcard.com) which allows you the ability to let anyone with caller ID see the number you want them to. I know it sounds far-fetched, but dating in the big city today is warfare. This has allowed me to eliminate girls early on rather than stringing me along when their interest level was really not that high to begin with. When you get the number be on your way. Don't say, "I'll call you." or "I'll call you and we can go out.". Get the number and say, "It was great seeing you." and be on your way. She knows why you want the number. If she asks why you want it that's a bad sign. Wait the 5-9 days and then call to meet at the union on a weekday. If you get voicemail do not leave a message. I call her home number with different numbers for a couple of days. If she doesn't answer with a few calls a day for two days I write her off. She is a phone screener and gives her number out to everybody. What I'm trying to do here is present challenge to this girl. I want to gauge her interest level based on what I've told you above to find out if she's date-able. Whatever you do, do not let her get away the next time you see her without asking for her home phone number. That is the most important thing.
Author Khabarak Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 I'm using messages... I rarely write on anyones wall to be honest. Some of it was through the instant messaging system Facebook has. Unfortunately I won't be able to catch her between classes, not without setting it up with her (which is king of what I was trying to do). Last semester I saw her occasionally, but I don't see her at all this semester. Honestly, my feelings won't be hurt if she turns me down. The only problem is finding another girl. My major at school only has 3 girls. One of them is married, and the other two are not of interest to me. I'm a senior, and right now I only have major field classes. I only have enough time between classes to get from one to the other, and I live off campus in a relatively small city that doesn't offer much in the way of social hangouts. Not to mention, I'm only 20 and there is a law here (think it is a city law) that bans me from any place which makes more than a certain percentage of its money from alcohol (which happens to be most of the very limited social hangouts). Basically... most of the places that I have to meet girls aren't at all convenient. And to top it all off, I seem to be pretty picky because I'm rarely very interested. I hope she'll respond to my message, but I kind of think she won't. I have to go back to the store sometime soon anyway, so if she happens to be there when I go I'll say something, but I'm afraid that, aside from that, I won't have much of a chance to talk to her in person. As far as the spoofcard thing goes, I probably won't go to that trouble. I actually have a google voice account though and could do the same thing using it. If I do end up getting her phone number, I'll take your advice about what not to say; you have a good point. I haven't been able to figure out her interest because sometimes she seems very interested. Other times, not so much. If she is interested at all, I'm very confident that if I can just get a chance to really talk with her she'll be a lot more receptive to me. If I do see her again, I'll make sure to get her phone number. It's actually posted on Facebook, but I thought it might be a little rude to call it without actually asking for her number.
ADF Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Here is my situation: I met this girl several months ago between classes. She was always very friendly toward me, would wave enthusiastically at me from a distance, would start a conversation with me, etc. We talked a little at school, I added her as a friend on Facebook. She had a boyfriend, so nothing really ever happened. We only exchanged the occasional message on Facebook (maybe 3-4 times in 4-5 months), always initiated by me. We're in college. Class schedules have changed, so we never see each other in person anymore, but I happened to run into her when I was shopping the other day. She recognized me, said hello, and started talking -- very friendly toward me as usual. She doesn't have a boyfriend anymore. Unfortunately, my mom was with me so things were a bit awkward that day. She worked at one of the stores there, and I needed to go back anyway so I sent her a message on Facebook essentially saying, "I hope I'll see you again." Her reply was a little encouraging, but not as encouraging as her actions in person. The following all happened on Facebook: She told me she wouldn't be working again until next week. I asked her what she would think if I waited to go back until she was working again, and she said I could if I wanted to, but she mentioned that we probably wouldn't be able to talk much there since she would be at work and also expressed a concern that if they were really busy she might not be able to talk at all and would then feel bad. At this point she had to leave... After some consideration I sent her a message that basically acknowledged that her workplace isn't really the ideal place to talk and that I would hate to make her feel bad if she didn't have time to talk to me after I waited. Then I suggested that rather than me waiting to meet her at work that we just meet at the student union on campus sometime in the next week as it would be a much better place to talk anyway. I apologized that the invitation was coming through Facebook, noting that, aside from meeting her at work, it was my only option. I've been told by a number of people on here that Facebook isn't a dating site and that it spells doom when it comes to dating. I don't feel like I was treating it that way (at least not this time). Keep in mind that I've known this girl for several months, and most of our interactions have been in the real world.... Do you think suggesting that we meet in the student union through Facebook was a bad idea? I eagerly await your input! Thanks in advance. I cannot imagine what could be so terrible about metting someone at the student union and chatting.
Tiz Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I cannot imagine what could be so terrible about metting someone at the student union and chatting. It's simple. She may not be in to the guy. He's actually coming out ahead for her to say "no" outright. Some girls will play games with guys for months having very little interest for a whole myriad of reasons.
Tiz Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) If her job is the only place to talk to her I guess that will have to do. If you have a little time to talk with her try to hint around about things that might be cool for you guys to do together. Like, "Have you ever been to so and so?" (somewhere cool in your city where she may not have been). Keep alluding to things like that. What I'm trying to do here is get her to ask you out or for her to give you her number without you even asking. I just don't like asking for the number while a girl is working though, but you make the call. You can try anyway, but if it were me and you know she has been on Facebook and she hasn't written you back after a week I would write this girl off. It's a pretty clear "no" if she won't even write you a response to an email. Never call her number that's posted on Facebook unless she gives it to you personally. You're gonna look like a stalker if you do that. Edited October 30, 2009 by Tiz
Author Khabarak Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Her job is the only place (other than Facebook) that I'll be able to talk to her. She hasn't written me back yet and I don't know that she will, but regardless I'm not going to give up just yet. After all, she was readily giving me information about when she is working (knowing why I was asking) which tells me she isn't disinterested, she just hasn't responded about meeting me at the PSU. I've been told persistence is good, so persistent I will be... at least for a while longer. Also, now that I think about it, I didn't exactly ask her a question. I just said lets meet at the student union sometime in the next week or so. Going in and asking her about a specific day couldn't hurt.
Tiz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I would still ask for her phone number in person. If you didn't actually ask her a question as in asking her out then maybe I could see why she doesn't respond to your message. But, no response is still a little suspect of low attraction. Personally, I wouldn't do this, but what you could do is ask her in another Facebook message if it would be okay if you called her phone number thats listed on her profile. One, it might be her cell number, and again, I'm a big advocate of getting the home number. Two, asking her in person shows that you have confidence, and as you probably know girls love this. This action alone is enough to raise her interest level. Assuming she is in fact interested and gives it to you, and you wait the 5-9 days to call her to have some coffee in the union this plays on that challenge factor I mentioned and could also raise her interest. Waiting that amount of time shows you're not needy and desperate. I also think it adds some suspense for girls about when and if you're even going to call. Let me know what happens. I would get the ball rolling on this. Don't wait too long.
Author Khabarak Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 I will definitely be asking her any further questions of that type in person. I just have to catch her at work again. I admit the lack of a response is a little discouraging, but there has been no publicly recorded activity on her Facebook page since I wrote that message either so it hurts a little less. Really what keeps me going is that I'm confident she'll be interested if I can just talk to her a little more. Hopefully that doesn't sound conceded, but she already seems to like me at least a little bit and my general experience is that people tend to think a lot of me if they just get to know me a little bit. I know she works this week, but I'm not sure when. I'm pretty sure she doesn't work very much as she is a full time student. Assuming I can manage to bump into her at work again, I'll take some action this week. Hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 3, 2009 Posted November 3, 2009 Why don't you message her, find a specific shift during which she'll be working, and then respond: "well, I'm thinking about stopping by the (store) on (that pre-arranged day), and maybe we can hang out a bit afterward" Stop by LATE during the window during which she'll be there, and enjoy the fact that you KNOW where she'll be, and then bide your time (an hour or less) until she's off, and you can go and hang out at a nearby eatery or the like. It will be good for you, and good for learning more...
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