laurag Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Hi, this is my first time posting here. I'm 28, I've been dating this guy for around 2 months (he's 27). I haven't had a relationship in a long time before him, and neither has he. I will not say everything has been perfect, we've had our ups and downs but everything has been really good, we get along great, we have a lot in common and we're always there for each other. I'll admit I have some insecurity issues, I get all paranoid if I don't hear from him for a few hours, even though when I call him he's always there, but I start thinking maybe he'll change his mind about me and dump me and I get all anxious, I can't help it. We've been seeing each other practically everyday for the past 2 months, we've been spending a LOT of time together, we haven't had sex yet (we both agree it's a little too soon) but things were going way too fast in the beginning, he said that he was starting to fall for me, that I was on his mind all the time (and I guess I was, he was always chasing me, I rarely chased him in the beginning) and at first I got a little scared, but then I relaxed and told him I was falling for him too, and you know, became more comfortable around him, started to trust him more. As soon as I started to get comfortable, I started overanalyzing everything even more than before, like if he did something differently than he did it before (not calling at a certain time, not returning a text message, not saying "how are you today", stuff like that). Even when he looked or sounded a little pissed off I would immediately start to ask him if I had done or said something to piss him off. You could say I began to come across as very needy. Still, he kept treating me the same and saying his feelings for me hadn't changed. So last weekend he stayed at his friend's house from Friday to Sunday, I didn't see him all weekend but he called every single day. At some point he didn't answer my text messages for like 5 hours, and I made a huge mistake, I got all desperate and texted him that I understood if he was tired of me and didn't want me in his life anymore, he called me an hour later and said he went out and had left his phone at the house. So we talked for a while, and then he went back to doing his thing. A few hours later I texted him again (I didn't wanna call him in front of his friends) and told him that I was going to bed, have a good time, etc, and when I didn't see a reply an hour later, I texted him again and said the same thing I had said before, some 2 hours later he called and said he was drinking with his buddies and hadn't looked at the phone for a while. At this point you guys must think I'm some kind of psycho, but I just got very scared, I'm really falling for him and when something didn't go like I expected it to go, I got very scared and, well, worst part is I let him know that. On Sunday he said he was sorry about everything, that he should've carried his phone with him all the time but that he was just relaxing with his friends, and sorry for making me feel bad. Next day he was acting a little strange, like, quiet and stuff, and I asked him what's up, and we started talking and he said maybe we should take things slow, because everything went too fast and that's why we were having problems now. So I said okay, because I actually agreed with him, things went too fast and I was never relaxed after he started saying things and being sweet to me, and it shouldn't be like that. I asked him if he still felt the same and he said yes, that he loves me, doesn't wanna be with anyone else, but he's scared of what's gonna happen in the future if we're just starting out and having so many problems because of little things, that we should sort of "start over" and get to know each other better and see what we like and don't like about each other so that everything will work out. And he also said that he knows that he loves me but doesn't wanna hurt me again like he did on the weekend (I know I overreacted, and I told him I'm aware of that), that he needs to think about his feelings because everything went too fast and he doesn't wanna make more mistakes or **** things up even more. Basically everything's been the same since Monday, we've gone out, we've talked online and on the phone, except that he's sort of keeping his distance, we're not making out like before, just a little kiss or two, he's not being super sweet like before. He did say he loved me last night on the phone before he went to bed but I don't know what to do or think. Part of me knows it's better like this, because I was starting to get too anxious about the whole thing ending suddenly or whatever, but I'm just so confused, could it be that he wants to end it and he doesn't wanna hurt me by saying "it's over I never wanna see you again", just sort of wants to let me down easily? I told him if that's the case he can tell me, but he said that's not the case, that he wants us to get to know each other better so that we can have a good relationship and have less misunderstandings and problems. I'll be glad to read any input you guys have, thanks for reading.
salmagundi Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 ...if you want this relationship, and every other relationship you get into, to end then all you need to do is keep doing what you're doing. All this anxiety and insecurity kinda seems to indicate that you have a little self-esteem problem and that you maybe get a little too attached in a relationship because the relationship...i dunno...defines you? validates you? gives you an identity? Things that maybe you have trouble doing when you're alone. I'm totally speculating, I realize but you need to become a more secure person. You need to be cool about being alone so that you don't get so anxiety ridden in a relationship. In other words you need to be more self-sufficient and independent. At least thats what I think. Maybe give this guy some room and whatever you do dont do that crazy dance where the more you feel him withdraw the more you chase after him. That never works. Do the opposite. If he warms up again it will be because you have allayed his (probable) fears that you are too clingy and codependent. If he goes away well, so it goes. Go back to working on yourself.
Author laurag Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Yes, I know you're both right, I act clingy and have a bit of a self-esteem problem that I should've already fixed at this point in my life. But I really don't wanna keep screwing things up with this guy, I feel very different about him, compared with other relationships when I would just stop caring whenever I started "seeing things". The thing is, I don't know how to act around him now, like I wanna be sweet and tell him things I used to like before but I can't, because he's not doing that and of course I'm not gonna do it either. Plus I'm having a problem with that, I hate seeing him act different than before, he says it's hard for him not being like that at the moment but that it's for the best. Should I just keep my distance too? Like let him chase me only, dissappear for a few days.. this is very confusing.
boogieboy Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Keep your distance, let him call you when HE wants to talk to you. You were waaaay too clingy, and now he thinks he has to keep his phone by his side because you need contstant re-assurance. Now you need to prove to him that he doesnt need to have his phone with him at all times because of your neediness. He wants to be able to put his phone down, and have fun with his friends. You need to be able to feel like you dont need to hear from him for hours at a time. You dont need to be in touch with him constantly. Get used to keeping your distance so you will eventually not need to pester him because you need attention. Keep in mind, you might have already ruined it, because now he has in his mind that you are high maintenance and fell too quickly. Backing off is your only chance.
amirpc Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Holy ****, girl. You're acting like my clingy ex except WAY more so. Okay so you're never going to be able to turn off your clinginess if you're sitting at home doing nothing. You need to get out and hang out with friends, something so that you don't have the free time to obsess over every little movement he makes. Generally, you need to get a life outside of him. If he's at all like most guys he'll tolerate this for a while, then it'll get older and older until eventually he's just sick of it and then you really will have reason to be worried about him not answering your text. Here's a tip, next time he's going to be busy all weekend, you should make a point to be as well.
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