someonesangel Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 In relation to staying through several d-days - that is really the $64,000 question for me. I have had only the one d-day despite my H technically being a serial cheater, so I too had a Mt Evert to climb (hopefully we are not talking Greg Norman here - joke in case anyone wonders). Ending my marriage due to another d-day will be one of the hardest things I ever do because believe it or not my H is a very nice person and I love him. It would be very toxic to stay with him after another d-day - yet I can see why it might be tempting to say we have a great life, great family, get on very well (well we do now after a year of working at our relationship) and just turn a blind eye (he knows I'm on LS so I hope he doesn't actually read this). But in my view I would be demonstrating a total lack of respect for myself and allowing him to do the same. I guess I cannot understand why an OW (and I'm now talking more generally) in a relationship with a MM who is doing what I fear my H might do, just wouldn't "walk" before she gets in any deeper. I at least have the excuse that we are very closely linked by children, family, house, life together, history, finances, you name it. Believe me I know how hard it is to contemplate ending a relationship when you don't want to. I would never have started with my H if I'd known this would happen so I guess it's a mystery to me why an OW would even want such a man (as my H is) after knowing what he is like. I actually told his OW about the OOW in his life (I can safely say they were meaningless to him). She was horrified and asked him about it and was probably deterred by his answer. I understand and understand why you would wonder about an OW. I can only speak for myself, I love him and I also was aware of the secrets and hidden world he kept for years. The honesty we had in terms of who we were was something that created the intimacy and love that we shared. Now, funny because this will totally throw you off. He was also a serial cheater for many many years with only one Affair ( me). I knew this and always told him if he ever went out of our relationship ( I was not silly to believe they didn't have sex, but also did not believe I had any right to judge that and it was something I accepted early on), but any other extra activities and I would be gone. So while you ask about the OW staying, I am still baffled ( in general as well) by BS primarily those that have had multiple DDays or by those that stay after a long term Affair or multiple years of cheating. Again, only my experience in the boards, my own etc..... Serial cheaters or those that have for lack of a better word disrespected their SO for years, imo it is only a matter of time before the itch is back. I personally could never trust fully again and knowing all I do now about A and Infidelity I also know WS truly do get better at the game after a DDay and make it difficult to be found out. I am certainly not judging those that choose to stay and I understand the reasons and the history but I guess I struggle with the How. I honestly don't think I could do it. I could potentially handle a One Night Stand but anything of an emotional connection or any longevity in the pattern and I truly don't think I could do it.
moaningmyrtle Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I understand and understand why you would wonder about an OW. I can only speak for myself, I love him and I also was aware of the secrets and hidden world he kept for years. The honesty we had in terms of who we were was something that created the intimacy and love that we shared. Now, funny because this will totally throw you off. He was also a serial cheater for many many years with only one Affair ( me). I knew this and always told him if he ever went out of our relationship ( I was not silly to believe they didn't have sex, but also did not believe I had any right to judge that and it was something I accepted early on), but any other extra activities and I would be gone. So while you ask about the OW staying, I am still baffled ( in general as well) by BS primarily those that have had multiple DDays or by those that stay after a long term Affair or multiple years of cheating. Again, only my experience in the boards, my own etc..... Serial cheaters or those that have for lack of a better word disrespected their SO for years, imo it is only a matter of time before the itch is back. I personally could never trust fully again and knowing all I do now about A and Infidelity I also know WS truly do get better at the game after a DDay and make it difficult to be found out. I am certainly not judging those that choose to stay and I understand the reasons and the history but I guess I struggle with the How. I honestly don't think I could do it. I could potentially handle a One Night Stand but anything of an emotional connection or any longevity in the pattern and I truly don't think I could do it. I am worried we are TJing so will start a new one.
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