I dont even know???

[justwantlove]

He wrote me a letter saying that he know's for a fact that he wont be with his wife for the rest of his life. He needs about a year so she can finish school before they can financially split. He understands that i have a problem seeing him but he wants us to work together through this together even if its just through email.

Before he sent this letter i was trying to convince myself that he wouldnt be coming back. Started nc and was trying to put myself in a position that is mentally/emotionally healthy for me. I was starting to feel that i might be able to move on sooner then i though.

I plan not to datedate or to be sexual with anyone for the next year anyways. I just have too much on my plate and i dont need the distractions. Not to mention i cant date anyone knowing im still in love.

He asked me to take a leap of faith and believe in him.

weather i decide to keep contact with him or not i know ill still be holding on for the next year.

 

In your opinions Do you think its healthier keep in LC while im still holding on. Instead of going nc and be thinking about it constantly worrying if he really is keeping his end of the deal and all the other stresses NC would bring me.

 

For those of you how have read some of me previouse post. We really arnt in a typical A situation are we? i know its been said but as ive read through these forums ive taken the mentality that its just an A and thats all it will be in the future. Even though we had that 11 months of it not being an affair. Idk im lost.

[Spark1111]

Just want love, I can only speak to my situation as a fBS.

 

He loved her. He loved his family.

 

Our marriage had grown distant, though we were still "good" partners, still had "okay" sex, once a week.

 

He told her we rarely did.

 

He also told her he needed five years to reach his financial goals. Maybe because he really believed that, but it served to keep her...."hooked" on him, his alluding to a future with her.

 

After DDAy, he threw her under a bus.

 

And as a BS, I may be the rarity on this forum, because my heart broke for her.

 

He, in his confusion, lied to both of us, but mostly himself.

 

Be very, very cautious.

[jwi71]

Your life has been a real roller coaster of late.

 

My advice to you is to be a hermit until you figure out what YOU want and need.

 

Between your ex, the MM, the friendly guy at work...your head can only be spinning.

 

See no one, raise your kids, and center yourself.

 

And yes...you ARE in a typical A. He's married, he separated from his W and then went back. What else do you need to know? Because your MM, like many others, chooses his W...oh I know, he SAYS one thing...and promptly does the opposite.

 

I would respond with the following:

 

"I welcome the opportunity to develop a legitimate bond and future. And this can only begin when you are divorced. Until then, please do NOT contact me."

 

Now cry, heal and build a life for you (in the absence of any man for the time being)

[whichwayisup]

He hasn't given his marriage or his wife a chance yet, so for him to tell you this is stupid on his behalf! He's in NO position to ask you to 'wait' for him.

 

As of now, he has chosen his wife, his marriage, his family. Until he actually divorces, cut him OUT of your life. If/when he does divorce, then you can date him, that is IF you're available by then.

 

I mean, what if he calls you in 2 years? Or 4 years? Are you going to wait that long? Or get involved with someone else, fall for someone else, then MM calls you and you dump the guy you're with, to give MM a chance? How long do you want to hang onto this guy?

[Fallen Angel]

Justwantlove,

 

Don't wait for him.

 

Mine has never asked me to, and has never promised to leave his wife for me, but I think if he thought it would help him to hold onto me, he would. He just knows that I see through his bull*****, and that I have stayed this long by my own volition, not because of any lies he has fed me. And he knows that it is far too late in the game for him to try to feed me those lies now.

 

You deserve better than half a love. And as long as we keep ourselves connected to these men that is all we will ever get. How sad is half a love?

 

If I were to ask you this question, how would you answer me? If your best friend asked you, what would you say to her? If your daughter someday came to you, and was in this situation, what advice would you bestow upon her?

 

I am willing to bet, you would not suggest that any of us wait.

 

Why is it that we would not want these relationships for the women in our lives that we care about, but we abuse ourselves with them.

 

Follow the advice you would give your own daughter.... that will probably be the best advice you could ever take.

[fooled once]

Your life has been a real roller coaster of late.

 

My advice to you is to be a hermit until you figure out what YOU want and need.

 

Between your ex, the MM, the friendly guy at work...your head can only be spinning.

 

See no one, raise your kids, and center yourself.

 

And yes...you ARE in a typical A. He's married, he separated from his W and then went back. What else do you need to know? Because your MM, like many others, chooses his W...oh I know, he SAYS one thing...and promptly does the opposite.

 

I would respond with the following:

 

"I welcome the opportunity to develop a legitimate bond and future. And this can only begin when you are divorced. Until then, please do NOT contact me."

 

Now cry, heal and build a life for you (in the absence of any man for the time being)

 

Excellent advice.

 

I don't think justwantlove is going to hear you though. I don't think she realizes that he picked his wife and family. He WAS out, he was living on his own, but he decided to give HIS WIFE another chance and moved back in.

 

He easily could have stayed out. He could have chosen to continue to date you, be with you -- but he made the choice to go home.

 

I don't think justwantlove is ready to accept that yet.

Edited October 29, 2009 by fooled once

[Spoiled]

Your life has been a real roller coaster of late.

 

My advice to you is to be a hermit until you figure out what YOU want and need.

 

Between your ex, the MM, the friendly guy at work...your head can only be spinning.

 

See no one, raise your kids, and center yourself.

 

And yes...you ARE in a typical A. He's married, he separated from his W and then went back. What else do you need to know? Because your MM, like many others, chooses his W...oh I know, he SAYS one thing...and promptly does the opposite.

 

I would respond with the following:

 

"I welcome the opportunity to develop a legitimate bond and future. And this can only begin when you are divorced. Until then, please do NOT contact me."

Now cry, heal and build a life for you (in the absence of any man for the time being)

 

I agree. My xAP and I discussed our desires to have a life together but we NEVER asked the other to wait and never made promises to each other. We held on to the A because we loved each other. I ended the A(5 months after d-day) because I could no longer handle the stress or guilt. We discussed a wedding, where we would live, and how we would have loved having a baby together. But we never promised those things and I appreciate that. Our A ended on good terms.

[justwantlove]

Excellent advice.

 

I don't think justwantlove is going to hear you though. I don't think she realizes that he picked his wife and family. He WAS out, he was living on his own, but he decided to give HIS WIFE another chance and moved back in.

 

He easily could have stayed out. He could have chosen to continue to date you, be with you -- but he made the choice to go home.

 

I don't think justwantlove is ready to accept that yet.

 

Your right, i am having great difficulty accepting what you guys have to say. There has to be situations similar to mine where people have stuck in there and it works out.

If all he wanted was the best of both worlds wouldnt he still ask to see me, wouldnt it just be about the sex. Why would he tellme that he's not gonna gonna leave me hanging and ask for my support through this process. He knows that i wont see him, why keep an EA?

[Fallen Angel]

Your right, i am having great difficulty accepting what you guys have to say. There has to be situations similar to mine where people have stuck in there and it works out.

If all he wanted was the best of both worlds wouldnt he still ask to see me, wouldnt it just be about the sex. Why would he tellme that he's not gonna gonna leave me hanging and ask for my support through this process. He knows that i wont see him, why keep an EA?

 

For the same reason mine wants to maintain an EA even if I refuse PA, because he is getting something out of it..

 

There is something about you that he wants/needs.. and it has nothing to do with sex... he just knows he doesn't want to lose it..

 

(of course from I keep getting told by some of the men here, it is all just to get back in my pants eventually... *sigh* maybe they are right, and that is all there ever was to it for him... )

 

But I don't exactly buy that.. my goodies are no different than any other, not lined with gold.. not anything he couldn't get from 10 other women a day if he just put it out that he was available.. UGH.. confusing as hell, huh?

[fooled once]

FA - while I agree with you, I also disagree LOL

 

Your goodies he knows. He knows YOU. He would have to start all over with a new person. They would see the bad side, the ugly side, the whatever side.

 

With you, it is familiar, it is easy per say. It isn't like starting all over again.

 

Add to is, the knows you love him. He knows he has you around his pinky. He knows the 'right' words to say.

 

To start over is to start from scratch.

 

And maybe the next OW will be more demanding. Won't 'appreciate' all he has done. Won't understand his "rules" on contact, on seeing you, etc.

[MizzBlue72]

Oh - this is so hard.

My MM has also asked me to take a leap of faith and to wait while he works things out.

I love him - of course I WANT to wait, and NOT pressure. He doesn't want to work things out with the W, and he has said so much of what others have said on here. 'sleeping in separate rooms, staying for the house until it sells, they both know they are getting a divorce...etc. '

I know where you are - exactly.

[whichwayisup]

why keep an EA?

 

So he can still have abit of you in his life. Selfishly.

 

He has to let you go, he cannot have two women. He chose his wife, the HIS consquence for choosing his wife and family over you is, he LOSES you.

[moaningmyrtle]

He wrote me a letter saying that he know's for a fact that he wont be with his wife for the rest of his life. He needs about a year so she can finish school before they can financially split. He understands that i have a problem seeing him but he wants us to work together through this together even if its just through email.

Before he sent this letter i was trying to convince myself that he wouldnt be coming back. Started nc and was trying to put myself in a position that is mentally/emotionally healthy for me. I was starting to feel that i might be able to move on sooner then i though.

I plan not to datedate or to be sexual with anyone for the next year anyways. I just have too much on my plate and i dont need the distractions. Not to mention i cant date anyone knowing im still in love.

He asked me to take a leap of faith and believe in him.

weather i decide to keep contact with him or not i know ill still be holding on for the next year.

 

In your opinions Do you think its healthier keep in LC while im still holding on. Instead of going nc and be thinking about it constantly worrying if he really is keeping his end of the deal and all the other stresses NC would bring me.

 

For those of you how have read some of me previouse post. We really arnt in a typical A situation are we? i know its been said but as ive read through these forums ive taken the mentality that its just an A and thats all it will be in the future. Even though we had that 11 months of it not being an affair. Idk im lost.

 

I will say again what I have said before. If his wife does not yet know of the affair and that you are still in the picture and that he is planning to leave her, then there is no point counting your chickens.

 

As a BW myself, I know that once I found out about my H's affair I had an almost primal reaction to "fight for my marriage and husband". Given I was in so much shock it felt like this reaction was beyond my control, almost shocking in its instinctiveness.

 

From reading the infidelity forum I think I'm probably not the only one to have this reaction. So my point is really that if his wife has not already gone through this then he is a long way from leaving her.

 

I'm truly sorry if this causes you more pain. Whatever I am I am a realist and there's no point sugar coating the reality of a d-day and its aftermath for all parties in the triangle.

[justwantlove]

I will say again what I have said before. If his wife does not yet know of the affair and that you are still in the picture and that he is planning to leave her, then there is no point counting your chickens.

 

As a BW myself, I know that once I found out about my H's affair I had an almost primal reaction to "fight for my marriage and husband". Given I was in so much shock it felt like this reaction was beyond my control, almost shocking in its instinctiveness.

 

From reading the infidelity forum I think I'm probably not the only one to have this reaction. So my point is really that if his wife has not already gone through this then he is a long way from leaving her.

 

I'm truly sorry if this causes you more pain. Whatever I am I am a realist and there's no point sugar coating the reality of a d-day and its aftermath for all parties in the triangle.

 

 

While she does know about me and the relationship that we had, she has even told me that he cares about me deeply. She doesnt know that we are still in contact after he moved in. She asked me what i thought she should do and i told her to fight for him with everything she had in her. So she does know that she really can loose him, especially if things remain the same around the home. He has said that shes making more effort than she ever has before, but he just isnt there for her anymore. He's asked me if he should tell her, but we both know its not the right time right yet because there so much we still have to do.

[someonesangel]

I will say again what I have said before. If his wife does not yet know of the affair and that you are still in the picture and that he is planning to leave her, then there is no point counting your chickens.

 

As a BW myself, I know that once I found out about my H's affair I had an almost primal reaction to "fight for my marriage and husband". Given I was in so much shock it felt like this reaction was beyond my control, almost shocking in its instinctiveness.

 

From reading the infidelity forum I think I'm probably not the only one to have this reaction. So my point is really that if his wife has not already gone through this then he is a long way from leaving her.

 

I'm truly sorry if this causes you more pain. Whatever I am I am a realist and there's no point sugar coating the reality of a d-day and its aftermath for all parties in the triangle.

 

 

Myrtle

 

 

How long has it been since DDay for you?

 

I am curious because I believe you are correct about the primal instinct following DDay, but I also believe that passes.

 

 

Initially everyone ( all three) are hanging on to whatever is left by a thread, and then as things start to settle, emotions are more controlled the true " What the hell just happened, do I really want him, can I trust him, etc comes out" and as you know many marriages do not end after the affair and usually take a 1-2 years to dissolve.

 

I believe it is primarily because of our initial instincts to "win" or "hold on".... human nature.

 

And I truly do not mean that directed to BS, I think it is for all 3 involved, just a natural instinct to want to hold on.

[moaningmyrtle]

Myrtle

 

 

How long has it been since DDay for you? One year

 

I am curious because I believe you are correct about the primal instinct following DDay, but I also believe that passes. I agree it passes

 

 

Initially everyone ( all three) are hanging on to whatever is left by a thread, and then as things start to settle, emotions are more controlled the true " What the hell just happened, do I really want him, can I trust him, etc comes out" and as you know many marriages do not end after the affair and usually take a 1-2 years to dissolve.

 

Yes initially it is such a shock to all parties but things do settle down as they work out what is going on. You may be right that it takes a year or 2 and this is why I often advise OW, that if the BW doesn't yet know then to just assume that she will be told and then the marriage is over is probably not realistic.

 

I believe it is primarily because of our initial instincts to "win" or "hold on".... human nature.

 

And I truly do not mean that directed to BS, I think it is for all 3 involved, just a natural instinct to want to hold on.

 

I think, as you say, it applies to all 3 - change is difficult and if the BW has been existing in what she thinks is an OK marriage for years, and the MM has been juggling 2 women for years - then if they both want to

"hold on" then that means staying together at least for the time being. This may not help any OW who has also been holding on in the hope that the MM will leave his W for her.

 

If there is a d-day and that has been gone through and the MM is still asking for "extra time" then there may well be a chance for the OW; but not if he is pretending to the BW that he is not leaving her and the A is over. This simply represents a return to the status quo.

[tami-chan]

Myrtle, may I ask why you seem to always use bolded letters? Is it just me or it appears as though you are typing this words like you are upset or something....or like you are pounding on your keyboard....sorry t/j. Just asking.

[someonesangel]

I think, as you say, it applies to all 3 - change is difficult and if the BW has been existing in what she thinks is an OK marriage for years, and the MM has been juggling 2 women for years - then if they both want to

"hold on" then that means staying together at least for the time being. This may not help any OW who has also been holding on in the hope that the MM will leave his W for her.

 

If there is a d-day and that has been gone through and the MM is still asking for "extra time" then there may well be a chance for the OW; but not if he is pretending to the BW that he is not leaving her and the A is over. This simply represents a return to the status quo.

 

 

I think that is a matter of choice for the OW, and ultimately the one who has to decide.

 

What I disagree with is IF MM is telling the OW to hang around in LC or Contact then he is by no means serious about his own Marriage or the recovery of that marriage. Again, unfortunate for all 3.

 

As well, knowing that very few marriages actually survive serial infidelities or a long term PA/EA affair and most - don't recall the actual number but it is high actually dissolve - would the OW not be taking a less "risky" bet on actually being with the MM down the road.

 

Again, no sides here but I know there are several here that only left after the 1st year, and I also know their are many WS that have actually lost both the BS and the OW/OM.

 

 

** I also think the delay in leaving is not only the initial shock but most MC will advise not to make any irrational decisions at least for six months to a year, and I agree whole heartily, but again another reason for an OW to not really know the true outcome on the initial DDay and the early months to follow.

 

And I apologize but I don't know your story/history. You said it has been one year. Are your committed to staying and recovering or do you still battle with that final decision?

Edited October 29, 2009 by someonesangel

[moaningmyrtle]

Myrtle, may I ask why you seem to always use bolded letters? Is it just me or it appears as though you are typing this words like you are upset or something....or like you are pounding on your keyboard....sorry t/j. Just asking.

 

I'm just trying to distinguish my answer from the original. I'll try something else as I don't want to bother you with it. I'll probably still sometimes use them but just for emphasis rather than capitals.

[tami-chan]

I'm just trying to distinguish my answer from the original. I'll try something else as I don't want to bother you with it. I'll probably still sometimes use them but just for emphasis rather than capitals.

 

oh not a bother...but I think maybe , just maybe, it "softens" the delivery if the whole paragraph is not bolded, you know? but thank you!

[moaningmyrtle]

I think that is a matter of choice for the OW, and ultimately the one who has to decide.

 

What I disagree with is IF MM is telling the OW to hang around in LC or Contact then he is by no means serious about his own Marriage or the recovery of that marriage. Again, unfortunate for all 3.

 

As well, knowing that very few marriages actually survive serial infidelities or a long term PA/EA affair and most - don't recall the actual number but it is high actually dissolve - would the OW not be taking a less "risky" bet on actually being with the MM down the road.

 

Again, no sides here but I know there are several here that only left after the 1st year, and I also know their are many WS that have actually lost both the BS and the OW/OM.

 

 

** I also think the delay in leaving is not only the initial shock but most MC will advise not to make any irrational decisions at least for six months to a year, and I agree whole heartily, but again another reason for an OW to not really know the true outcome on the initial DDay and the early months to follow.

 

And I apologize but I don't know your story/history. You said it has been one year. Are your committed to staying and recovering or do you still battle with that final decision?

 

My concern is with a MM asking the OW to wait if he is still lying to his wife about it. I believe this shows he's not at all serious about his marriage. {it''s just my opinion though}

 

If the OW wants to wait knowing all this, that is up to her but some OW are so obviously (at least it's obvious to me) being played by their MM. These are the ones for whom we all feel sad.

 

My H and I are still together. We are still working on our marriage and doing OK. I hope he's not lying to me and pretending to "work on his marriage". If he is he's a very good actor.

[someonesangel]

My concern is with a MM asking the OW to wait if he is still lying to his wife about it. I believe this shows he's not at all serious about his marriage. {it''s just my opinion though}

 

If the OW wants to wait knowing all this, that is up to her but some OW are so obviously (at least it's obvious to me) being played by their MM. These are the ones for whom we all feel sad.

 

My H and I are still together. We are still working on our marriage and doing OK. I hope he's not lying to me and pretending to "work on his marriage". If he is he's a very good actor.

 

 

And it wasn't to suggest your husband was, so please don't think that.

 

But you are right, if he is lying and asking the OW to stay( chances are he is not telling his W), he is not working on his marriage. One of two things will happen, he will not do the true work to save the marriage or the W will once again find out, and may very well end the marriage herself. My point was or question -if that is the case, is it not MORE likely that marriage will in fact dissolve?

[moaningmyrtle]

And it wasn't to suggest your husband was, so please don't think that.

 

But you are right, if he is lying and asking the OW to stay( chances are he is not telling his W), he is not working on his marriage. One of two things will happen, he will not do the true work to save the marriage or the W will once again find out, and may very well end the marriage herself. My point was or question -if that is the case, is it not MORE likely that marriage will in fact dissolve?

 

Well yes, if he still lies to his W, and asks the OW to wait then I think it is more likely the marriage will end if there is another d-day. I only know that is what will happen in my own case. After all our marriage has received a major battering already and that will really be delivering the death blow to it.

 

But what happens to the OW if there is no d-day? If the OW senses that the MM does not want another d-day then what then? There is an inconsistency because the MM seems only serious about continuing the status quo (2 women) and not "working on the marriage", nor leaving his W for the OW.

 

I understand the point you are making - but what sort of a man is this we are talking about? If there is another d-day then I definitely don't want him. Maybe the OW will.

 

As a BW it is a concern but I've now had a year to think about what I would do in that situation and I don't think "staying" would be it.

[someonesangel]

Well yes, if he still lies to his W, and asks the OW to wait then I think it is more likely the marriage will end if there is another d-day. I only know that is what will happen in my own case. After all our marriage has received a major battering already and that will really be delivering the death blow to it.

 

But what happens to the OW if there is no d-day? If the OW senses that the MM does not want another d-day then what then? There is an inconsistency because the MM seems only serious about continuing the status quo (2 women) and not "working on the marriage", nor leaving his W for the OW.

 

I understand the point you are making - but what sort of a man is this we are talking about? If there is another d-day then I definitely don't want him. Maybe the OW will.

 

As a BW it is a concern but I've now had a year to think about what I would do in that situation and I don't think "staying" would be it.

 

We are in total agreement. But as you know, many BS and OW stay through several DDays. The one thing I have learned from the Affair ( as I would "never" have thought I would be involved in one) is never say never.

Edited October 29, 2009 by someonesangel

[moaningmyrtle]

... But as you know, many BS and OW stay through several DDays. ...

So I believe unless he truly chooses, he is positioned to lose us both - by his own doing or lack of...

 

In relation to staying through several d-days - that is really the $64,000 question for me. I have had only the one d-day despite my H technically being a serial cheater, so I too had a Mt Evert to climb (hopefully we are not talking Greg Norman here - joke in case anyone wonders).

 

Ending my marriage due to another d-day will be one of the hardest things I ever do because believe it or not my H is a very nice person and I love him. It would be very toxic to stay with him after another d-day - yet I can see why it might be tempting to say we have a great life, great family, get on very well (well we do now after a year of working at our relationship) and just turn a blind eye (he knows I'm on LS so I hope he doesn't actually read this). But in my view I would be demonstrating a total lack of respect for myself and allowing him to do the same.

 

I guess I cannot understand why an OW (and I'm now talking more generally) in a relationship with a MM who is doing what I fear my H might do, just wouldn't "walk" before she gets in any deeper. I at least have the excuse that we are very closely linked by children, family, house, life together, history, finances, you name it.

 

Believe me I know how hard it is to contemplate ending a relationship when you don't want to. I would never have started with my H if I'd known this would happen so I guess it's a mystery to me why an OW would even want such a man (as my H is) after knowing what he is like. I actually told his OW about the OOW in his life (I can safely say they were meaningless to him). She was horrified and asked him about it and was probably deterred by his answer.