symbol Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 This weekend it will be exactly 4 years since my ex broke up with me. We were together for almost 8 years before then. And we were really young. We started dating when we were 17 and broke up at 25. We were each other’s first love. We have kept NC ever since and being in two different parts of the country helped with sticking to NC. I saw him briefly (maybe for a split second) at a conference last January. When we had eye contact I swiftly turned my head away but I could see that he was still looking at me. And for the past year he has been to my web page several times. His most recent visit was 2.5 weeks ago. Healing was very hard for me and I think I swept many feelings under the carpet but recently I started thinking about him again. I know, it’s been a long time…but some days it hurts like the first day of the break up. I am thinking about breaking NC and sending him a “hi, how are you?” email. I obviously don’t want to ignite more feelings in me but I can’t help but think “what if”…
Blindsidedagainalive Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Are you in therapy? Have you been reading and exploring ways to get past this? At 4 years you should be further along.
Lamak Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 You should just let the feelings die. It's been 4 years, it's most likely over.
Exit Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 The responses around here make me laugh sometimes. People can get back together after all sorts of things, regardless of months, years, whatever. Obviously he still thinks about you if he checks your webpage. There's two ways you can get hurt here, either you never contact him and live with the pain of wondering, or you contact him and risk that he has no real interest in being in your life again. Only you can decide which feels worse. Have you been with anyone else since then? Maybe you just need to meet someone new, the right person. It's hard to get over what you lost if you never experience anything better. The only thing that keeps me from crawling back to my ex is that I know in my heart and mind, there is someone out there who will treat me better than she did, someone who I can have a much better relationship with. It's hard, because I haven't found that person yet, and sometimes I start to doubt that they're out there, but I just try to believe it. My ex wasn't so amazing that I need to spend the rest of my life missing her.
Author symbol Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 There's two ways you can get hurt here, either you never contact him and live with the pain of wondering, or you contact him and risk that he has no real interest in being in your life again. Only you can decide which feels worse. You're so right...Unfortunately I still can't figure out which one is worse. I hate to have regrets in life and you know they say people usually regret things they haven't done more than things they have done... I have been with one other guy since the break up. It wasn't anything like what my ex and I had. My current feelings may have to do with the fact that I don't have someone in my life and quite honestly I don't see having one in the near future. I moved to a new place due to my job last August and it's a small town where it's hard to meet with anyone suitable...
Thebob Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 jeeze, its four years I mean come on! go have a girls night out, go meet some other guys, have fun girl. This guy is over and you know it, no point to re-ignite a dead flame. Hope this helps Thebob
LostInLA Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Are you in therapy? Have you been reading and exploring ways to get past this? At 4 years you should be further along. I would have to agree with this one. Personally, and this is hard to admit, I decided to see a therapist about 2 months ago, which was about 5 months after my split. It was all too overwhelming...and from what I've learned so far, it sounds like you didn't really deal with or process your feelings. There are some good books out there too, if you aren't keen on the therapy idea.
PinkToes Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Yeah apparently it's never occurred to you to just get over it. I feel for you, I know it's hard. Maybe sending him a brief message would help; sometimes it's the "what ifs" and unknowns that can take on a life of their own. Perhaps just try to work through all the possible scenarios in your head of what he might say or not say. Is there anything you couldn't handle? I have a feeling you'd be OK, maybe better off, just to know a bit more. Think of the worst possible 'what if', and give yourself a gut check on that one. If it makes your heart race with fear or twists your stomach in knots, don't do it. If it feels OK, it might be worth the risk. In either case, try to be as honest as possible with yourself about what's prompting your feeings right now, and whether it's been that way for awhile or whether it's mostly a reaction to your new environment. Whatever you decide, I'm sending good thoughts & hugs.
Author symbol Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Yeah apparently it's never occurred to you to just get over it. I feel for you, I know it's hard. Maybe sending him a brief message would help; sometimes it's the "what ifs" and unknowns that can take on a life of their own. Perhaps just try to work through all the possible scenarios in your head of what he might say or not say. Is there anything you couldn't handle? I have a feeling you'd be OK, maybe better off, just to know a bit more. Think of the worst possible 'what if', and give yourself a gut check on that one. If it makes your heart race with fear or twists your stomach in knots, don't do it. If it feels OK, it might be worth the risk. In either case, try to be as honest as possible with yourself about what's prompting your feeings right now, and whether it's been that way for awhile or whether it's mostly a reaction to your new environment. Whatever you decide, I'm sending good thoughts & hugs. Thank you for your kind words and hugs, PinkToes! I actually tried to do that mental exercise. I guess the worst possible "what if" is that he won't respond or respond and say "I don't want to be in contact with you". Given he's been googling my name for the past year and visiting my web page every few weeks in the last couple of months (and believe me, it's not a frequently changing web page, it's an all professional page), I guess he might be interested in hearing from me. Maybe it will just help him get over his guilt if he feels that way... I feel like I can't move on by keeping NC. I don't know if I can be friends with him in the long run but by not talking to him at all, I guess I'm making this situation more serious in my life that it actually is...
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