kevinconner Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Curious for others out there questioning the love in their marriage. I am having a hard time pinpointing exactly when it vansihed, and I tend to think that it didn't just up one day and leave. If it occured over time, then it was slow, but now in my mind I can't even think of when it started and when I fully realized just how far away it had slipped. Proposed - kid 1, kid 2, parent died, parent died, career change...here I am. 100% certain I am not in love with my wife. 100% certain I love my children. For the members out there, was there a specific trigger that started the point in your life when you felt like you were drifting away from your spouse? Or was it a long drawn process? What are you doing about it now?
Spoiled Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 How long have you been married? Are you in counseling? I believe my H and drifted apart emotionally over several years. During the first several years of our M, we traveled often, dated often, and focused on preparing for our future. We had many social outlets, some mutual, some with same sex friends. We built our dream home and welcomed our first child shortly after. That is when it all began to change. He accepted a new position at work which brought more stress and required more traveling. We had less of a social life, less dating, less traveling, and more responsibilities. Baby #2 arrives and our lives are consumed with laundry, diapers, work, and more. We started spending less quality time together and stress and fatigue were forever present. We were emotionally disconnected. A year after baby#2 arrived, I began having an A with a long time friend and it lasted a year. Our spouses found out, now we are in MC trying to reconcile. We have increased our dating and quality time. Made changes like working less hours and hiring a cleaning service. I still love my H, but in counseling with hopes of creating and regaining excitement and intimacy.
quankanne Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 agreed – you don't mention how long you've been married or what steps y'all have taken to address those needs. DH and I haven't hit the kinds of crises y'all mention (kids, affairs), but after being together nearly 20 years, i can guarantee, it's not all smooth sailing! There are days we cannot stand each other, that we ... well, I ... question why I'm even there I don't feel anything for him, but then something comes along to help me reevaluate why I feel this way. One book that's recently made a HUGE impact on the way I view our relationship is "The Five Love Languages," which talks about partners' differing styles of expressing love to each other. Me and him are COMPLETELY different, and on the outset, seemingly incredibly incompatible. However, the book gives food for thought in how proactively approaching and loving your partner can bring about change, and ultimately, the results you want if the other person feels he/she has a vested interest in the relationship. look, life is gonna lob a whole lotta fast-balls at you, but there's no law that says you can't duck or even learn to respond differently. Right now, you're focused on what's making you miserable, and that's a natural reaction. But also remember you also have the option to DO something to bring about the change you want to see. The question is, how quickly are you willing to get past the misery and start proactively working on your marriage? you might not find the answers you want, but you will find what you seek ... what specifically worked for us was a marriage enrichment weekend, which gave us the tools to use when working on our marriage. Even my husband will tell you it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage, and he was dragging his feet the whole time we were going through the weekend!
Spark1111 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 OMG! These are the hardest years of your life right now! Please do not give up on the relationship yet! There is no job in the world more stressful than raising babies AND providing for them with a stressful job! As you learn and grow to be a family, BOTH of your personal needs get placed on a back burner, and unless it is talked about....LOVINGLY... the resentments that build can be huge! If you can't communicate without resentment, go see a MC. Without mutual respect and consideration for the hard work BOTH of you are doing now....love can die. We both go to IC and MC to learn how to identify what our unmet needs are and how to KINDLY communicate them and to listen, really listen to each other. The anger, distance and resentment grew so great, he had an affair and I threw him out. It was a huge and hurtful turning point. We have learned we never stopped loving each other, we just stopped respecting each other. We are more in love than ever now. Good Luck.
Sparty97 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 It absolutely kills me when someone says they still love their spouse after an affair...yeah, well apparently not that much. There is no circumstance under which I could forgive my wife for an affair. Bags on the porch...have a nice life. How long have you been married? Are you in counseling? I believe my H and drifted apart emotionally over several years. During the first several years of our M, we traveled often, dated often, and focused on preparing for our future. We had many social outlets, some mutual, some with same sex friends. We built our dream home and welcomed our first child shortly after. That is when it all began to change. He accepted a new position at work which brought more stress and required more traveling. We had less of a social life, less dating, less traveling, and more responsibilities. Baby #2 arrives and our lives are consumed with laundry, diapers, work, and more. We started spending less quality time together and stress and fatigue were forever present. We were emotionally disconnected. A year after baby#2 arrived, I began having an A with a long time friend and it lasted a year. Our spouses found out, now we are in MC trying to reconcile. We have increased our dating and quality time. Made changes like working less hours and hiring a cleaning service. I still love my H, but in counseling with hopes of creating and regaining excitement and intimacy.
mem11363 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Is the reason you feel that way because your wife is already denying you love? I would also struggle with the idea that she would give love to a stranger when she denies it to her husband. If on the other hand your wife loves you and loved you sexually and for some crazy reason she strayed. I don't know - my wife is religious. I would mainly feel sad for her - she would feel guilty the rest of her life. I would forgive her though. I love her too much to end it over one mistake. Even a big one. And no - I have never cheated and no plans to. It absolutely kills me when someone says they still love their spouse after an affair...yeah, well apparently not that much. There is no circumstance under which I could forgive my wife for an affair. Bags on the porch...have a nice life.
giotto Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 when my wife told she didn't love me like she used to (you know, at the beginning)... maybe a couple of years ago? I was shocked - been together nearly 25 years - and I've been slowly falling out of love with her, as a consequence...
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I'm big into relationship books and stumbled upon a book about this very thing that I'm knee-deep into right now called "Why Men Fall Out of Love." There are all kinds of reasons. I find the reading absolutely fascinating and it's interesting to see the male POV about a relationship that's falling apart. It's a male author that has interviewed men about failed relationships and compiled the stories together in groups based on the reasons for falling out of love. Then at the end of those "groups," he gives ways to combat that particular downfall. I'm not sure if it's something that can be reversed after it has already happened. I can't remember if I read it on here, or in the book - some man saying that men CAN fall back in love, but once a woman turns that off to you - it's over. But I would also be curious to know if you've been in MC with your wife or if you two have at least talked about it.
giotto Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I don't want to highjack the discussion , but for us MC was the nail in the coffin... all the resentment, the ugliness came to surface and after that there was no way back...
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I don't want to highjack the discussion , but for us MC was the nail in the coffin... all the resentment, the ugliness came to surface and after that there was no way back... Do you think maybe if you had done MC sooner - before all that crap got shoved under the rug - that you could have weathered the storm better? Ignoring the issues under the surface obviously doesn't make them go away...as you clearly experienced. But your story does make me sad, Giotto. There are far too many unhappy marriage stories in the world. *sigh*
giotto Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Do you think maybe if you had done MC sooner - before all that crap got shoved under the rug - that you could have weathered the storm better? Absolutely! But my wife - also called "the fridge" - would not talk about it. And when finally things got really bad, she suggested it... I knew it was too late, then, because I knew what the problem was and she would never fix that without IC... after MC failed and we separated, she said she would seek IC... guess what? She didn't... my only thread on LS is about this... Sad? Hell, yes, but I played my part in it, for sure... but I still believed that she loved me... how wrong I was! I don't think I will ever recover from this...
Author kevinconner Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Sounds like a great book. I'll have to pick that up. "Why men fall out of love" I'll read that at the gym while I'm getting my body ripped and back into shape. that will send off some warning flags! Also, to the poster about MC / nail in the coffin. Exactly. If we did go, it would be a total all out war as things I've never said to her would come out and she doesn't handle rejection very well. I'm actually afraid of her rage and anger. Married for 11 years. First 4 were pretty good. I've been holding on, a slow downward spiral ever since. The main issue I have now is that for some reason my wife is coming back around. She quit working about 6 months ago and I changed careers for a higher paying job. She's nicer, she does a little more around the house, but I'm like looking at her thinking, "....honey....too late....too little. I was there three years ago and I don't think I can come back. I have no desire to touch you. I don't care if you if come to bed at all." I look at her body, and her face at night and just stare at it. Trying to see if anything is there. It's like living with a complete stranger. Thinking to myself, "my God....how did I get here? Who is this woman?" I feel nothing towards her even though we have been through a great deal. Like something is blocking me and not allowing me to remember the good things she has done.....only the rotten ones.
angie2443 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I fell out of love a couple of times during my marriage. This happened early on when things were rocky. I know why it happened. One reason is the relationship started bieng taken for granted. There were other reasons also, but I don't have the time to write much now. Anyways, I kept track of my feelings when I was falling out of love and was able to understand why it was happening. I think I was able to get the love back because I told my husband right when it happened as opposed to ignoring the feeling for months or years. My husband was shocked when I told him I didn't love him anymore, but it allowed us to take care of the problems before they did damage that couldn't be repaired.
mem11363 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Of your marriage fade/die and why? Did the physical part die due to rejection, due to loss of attractiveness, or to conflict in the marriage? Curious for others out there questioning the love in their marriage. I am having a hard time pinpointing exactly when it vansihed, and I tend to think that it didn't just up one day and leave. If it occured over time, then it was slow, but now in my mind I can't even think of when it started and when I fully realized just how far away it had slipped. Proposed - kid 1, kid 2, parent died, parent died, career change...here I am. 100% certain I am not in love with my wife. 100% certain I love my children. For the members out there, was there a specific trigger that started the point in your life when you felt like you were drifting away from your spouse? Or was it a long drawn process? What are you doing about it now?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Is the reason you feel that way because your wife is already denying you love? I would also struggle with the idea that she would give love to a stranger when she denies it to her husband. If on the other hand your wife loves you and loved you sexually and for some crazy reason she strayed. I don't know - my wife is religious. I would mainly feel sad for her - she would feel guilty the rest of her life. I would forgive her though. I love her too much to end it over one mistake. Even a big one. And no - I have never cheated and no plans to. I struggle to understand the guys that stick with their wives after an affair. They really seem like spineless wimps to me. I think that these guys get cheated on because their wives know that they are spineless losers. It's hard for them not to take advantage of a guy like that.
mem11363 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I would write off 21 years together, 3 kids, way more good times then bad for one giant mistake. I just don't think so. I guess part of it has to do with patterns. There is no pattern of me feeling taken advantage of, no pattern of me feeling ill treated and lied to. So I would actually see this as a total outlier if it happened. I struggle to understand the guys that stick with their wives after an affair. They really seem like spineless wimps to me. I think that these guys get cheated on because their wives know that they are spineless losers. It's hard for them not to take advantage of a guy like that.
BG1985 Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 An affair is not a mistake. It involves a spouse knowingly betraying their so-called lover. The cheater knows he/she is doing the wrong thing but decide to go through with it anyway due to selfishness.
frustrated_one Posted November 4, 2009 Posted November 4, 2009 Our pastor reminds us of this routinely. I highly recommend the book Five Love Languages. The author lays out the phases of love really nicely - my husband found it "right on" and we sent it to a friend of his who was going thru his second divorce. Being "In Love" with our spouse is the first "phase" of love, if you will, but it is not love itself. It doesn't last but should develop into a deeper, mature bond. The author explains how when those feelings fade (I think between 3-7 years) that's when people often have problems. You have gone thru a lot in the last few years. Many changes which make it hard to tend to the work of marriage. Often what we are doing for our relationship isn't what our spouses needs - it's what we need. So we get frustrated. That's why I think the Love Languages book is so cool, it helps you figure out what you/your spouses love languages are. Yesterday someone on the boards recommended "His Needs Her Needs" to me. I've ordered it and am looking forward to reading it. Apparently the author has taken a lot of the concepts from the 5 Love Languages book. The author says he helps people fall back in love with their spouses - even when it seems impossible! There's hope.
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