Dynitee Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Will try to be clear and detailed so I am well understood. Here is my story. I have been with my husband for just over four years. Last August 8th was our one year wedding anniversary. He proposed to me after dating for six months and we had a very nice long engagement. He says it was love at first sight and it was for me as well. We moved in together about three months after our engagement. Living together from the beginning was bliss. I am 22 now and he will be turning 26 on November 1st, just a matter of days away. I am un-employed and stay at home. I am an artist but my medium of choice is fantasy art and there is little money to be made with that. He is a very successful software engineer working in flight simulation with his own business on the side. Some key points to consider. He is not overworked. He comes home and plays video games in his free time for fun and is the drummer for a band. I am also a gamer and a singer. We share so many of the same interests and seem to have a blast together. In the past I went through some emotional ups and downs due to childhood abuse I was never able to deal with and heal from properly but because of this wonderful man I married, I have made almost a full recovery. It has been ages since we've even had an insignificant disagreement or squabble. So why then, is this man I thought was so in love with me (and I with him) suddenly working later hours and avoiding home? I am trying sooo very hard not to nag or pry because he and I are both geeks at heart. Geeks sometimes need their solitude. It's just a "thing" we've always understood. While he does answer his cell phone the times I call when he is very late coming home, he sounds incredibly strange. He sometimes sounds out of breath, or will hang up abruptly without saying the usual "I love you" or "Be careful" if I'm not at home when I do call. Quite frankly, when he comes home, I smell something on him that is not his cologne, his deodorant, or his office smell. I have mentioned it but I get laughed at. He has only been with one other girl beside myself, his high school girlfriend. It was short lived and she is states away now happily married. I am not concerned about her. I'm trying to make the point that he has very little relationship/sexual experience. It is hard to believe he is capable of an affair at all, much less at hiding one. HOWEVER... he and I are both very computer savvy. He has dozens of email addresses. He knows I can be nosy and all of my attempts to snoop have turned up nothing. It's difficult to express the feeling that I have. The sudden gut instinct that something is not right. When things seem so nice and lovely and happy, and then all at once he just doesn't want to be home. From what I know of his job, the only female co-workers he has are his boss's wife (who handles the books) and the cleaning ladies that come in at night (his boss's two sisters). He isn't stupid enough to mess around with any of them. I was under the impression that home life here with me was extraordinarily happy and fun. This need to be working late and leaving on the weekends to "work" is very strange behavior for him. To delve into the sexual side of things, he and I are both young. My sex drive is on a once a day to every other day scale. I'm even happy with every two or three days. I don't always expect it to be done the same way and I am very adventurous and try new things often. I am fit, healthy, not bad looking, no children. But, for some reason, my husband's sex drive is very low. He cannot keep up with me, even when we fall into the every two or three days routine. He claims his legs get too tired (even when I am the one doing the work) and his erection starts to fail. I suddenly realized a pattern that I feel silly for not noticing before. He never kisses me on the mouth during sex anymore. I have tried to initiate "making out" during the sex but he does not seem to want to keep it going. If it was my breath, we are close enough that he would tell me. I'm very conscious of my hygiene so I honestly doubt that is the case. A million things are running through my mind at this point. What am I doing wrong? Am I not attractive to him? Am I not pleasing him good enough? Is he seeing someone else? Is he staying late at work to look at porn? (When he stays late, he claims he is the only one there.) Could he be gay? I have calmly and lightheartedly asked him about these things from time to time and always get the same response. He finds it funny and just laughs it off. Am I being paranoid or is there more to this that I need to be watching for? My feelings are hurt right now but I don't want to pressure him or be the "nagging wife" men complain about so often. I don't want to screw anything up if I'm just being silly somehow. Please advise. -Dyn
Blindsidedagainalive Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 IMHO- he is having an affair. All of the signs are there and some are not so subtle. Suddenly working more and coming home late Not saying I love you on the phone (another women within earshot) Less sex Not kissing you during sex Not taking calls Smells different Losing erections (i'm 45 and that doesn't EVER happen)- he is losing them over guilt. At that age, men can have sex over and over. Most of all....your gut DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TELL HIM YOU THINK HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. You will need to confirm on your own. Whether hiring an investigator, a GPS hidden in his car. A voice recorder (VAR) hidden in his car. He will NOT admit it if you confront him. Any of the above things point to an affair, and you have quite a list. Sorry, but it REALLY looks like he is having an affair. Find out smartly.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Red alert. Keep it quiet and get more info.
Author Dynitee Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 A part of me was really hoping I'd be told I was just being silly about the whole thing. I guess if this is really happening, I need to be prepared for the worst just in case. Yesterday he worked an hour later than was necessary. He came home, was nice enough, I made dinner, and then he headed off to his computer. My computer is in the same room but facing a different direction. I put on a movie and a headset and appeared to be off in my own world.... but I was watching him. I couldn't read anything going on but he had an MMORPG (basically a game people all over the world can play together and talk to each other on) open and was switching between a game stats/combat screen and the chat screen. The chat screen was covered in pink text.. those are personal messages. There is no need to switch off of that chat screen unless you are hiding something. It really just makes no sense. I play the game too sometimes and you just don't need to do that... unless there is something to cover up. For a while I was looking back there straining my eyes and he turned around. So I said "Who are you talking to?" and he said "No one. What are you watching?" I rolled with it and just dropped it. On this game I have met lots of people and made friends to the point we took it outside the game. Took it to emails, MSN, yahoo, AIM. Once, a mutual friend my husband and I met on this game flew to our city and went to a concert with us. My husband now knows it is possible to meet these like minded geeks on this game and meet them in person. And how to take the friendship outside the game. For the type of man my husband is, an internet affair is seeming more and more plausible. And the possibility of phone sex and cyber he could be engaging in with her/him (I am not ruling out the possibility it's a male) during those late stays at his office could still explain his lack of enthusiasm in sex with me. And his inability to perform the same way he once could. Does anyone have any experience with LD affairs? If that turns out to be what this is, do I still need to be as worried? Thanks to you two for replying. While I await more replies I am going to try doing google searches of his name and his favorite online nicknames to see if I can turn up anything. So glad I have this place to write this stuff down. It really helps me keep calm. -Dyn
Author Dynitee Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 Well, nothing turned up in my searches. But something bad happened yesterday and I feel sick. When he came home from work last night (late again) he was being pretty nice. We went to lay on the couch together to talk about our days. I noticed he had his cell in his hand and while we were talking I casually reached for it. He stiffened and said "What are you doing?!" And I said "I was just going to set your phone on the table... geeze.. " And he was like "...no." And I said "Come on, just let me see it. What's the big deal?" And he absolutely refused, got up, and stormed off. I've grabbed this man's phone a million times in the past and NEVER incited this sort of reaction. I do not know how to spy on him. I think he is having an affair over the internet but he's not leaving any evidence of it on his computer here at home. He's using his computer at work for it (if that's even what it is). And his phone. I meant to get up last night and sneak off with his phone while he was sleeping but I was exhausted too and slept right through the night. I have been so good to this man. I would do anything for him and he knows it. I'm not ready to admit defeat yet but I need more advice or something. Telling me "He's guilty! Go spy on him!" just makes me sick. Is there some other forums someone knows of? Where there are people who know how to deal with affairs online? -Dyn
Malenfant Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Well, nothing turned up in my searches. But something bad happened yesterday and I feel sick. When he came home from work last night (late again) he was being pretty nice. We went to lay on the couch together to talk about our days. I noticed he had his cell in his hand and while we were talking I casually reached for it. He stiffened and said "What are you doing?!" And I said "I was just going to set your phone on the table... geeze.. " And he was like "...no." And I said "Come on, just let me see it. What's the big deal?" And he absolutely refused, got up, and stormed off. I've grabbed this man's phone a million times in the past and NEVER incited this sort of reaction. I do not know how to spy on him. I think he is having an affair over the internet but he's not leaving any evidence of it on his computer here at home. He's using his computer at work for it (if that's even what it is). And his phone. I meant to get up last night and sneak off with his phone while he was sleeping but I was exhausted too and slept right through the night. I have been so good to this man. I would do anything for him and he knows it. I'm not ready to admit defeat yet but I need more advice or something. Telling me "He's guilty! Go spy on him!" just makes me sick. Is there some other forums someone knows of? Where there are people who know how to deal with affairs online? -Dyn unfortunately the comments you have received are because people have read your comments and this is what they think. If you needed people to reassure you that everything is fine, everything is obviously not fine with you and your H. it comes down to the gut feeling you have, and TBH I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, but even I think that something is going on here. Originally, you said that you noticed a 'smell' on him, which would indicate a PA, not just an on-line A. do you think that this is something that you imagined? because of all the other stuff? If you're still sure you did, then you could be looking at something much more, and from your reactions to other user's comments, you dont seem ready to accept what they and your gut are telling you. As for finding evidence of online affairs, i would still suggest seeing a PI. I'm sure that their work now takes them into the virtual world, so they would be the people to ask. I dont know of any forums which specialise in advice for on-line affairs. i hope you get some closure, this situation is way dodgy i'm afraid.
No first names Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Boy can I relate. I feel the same way about spying…the thought of it just makes me sick. I shutter at the thought that I've turned into the nagging wife I promised myself I'd never be. And my H is also pretty sharp, so I don’t think I will ever find the proof that everyone on here is going to insist you get before you confront. You have to decide if proof is what YOU need to get passed this. In my situation, past behavior tells me my H will NEVER admit it…maybe if I was standing in the same room with him and the OW in bed together, but that’s MAYBE. So, I’m past questioning my sanity, and fear I’m quickly moving toward resentment. I’ve sought the help of a therapist to help me sort out my feelings because my situation is complicated by children. Doc echoed something that another poster, 2sure, said in a reply to a similar thread I started recently. They both said something along the lines of how confident and secure I am about every other area of my life, but this. For me, it was an eye opener. I think that’s why I’m beginning to feel resentful. You have to decide, do YOU need more proof? If so, you have to be willing to do what it’s going to take to get it. Just remember, with or without proof, less than 7% of cheating husbands ever admit to an affair. Pretty sad, huh? I mean what’s a girl to do? Maybe this website will help you decide how to deal with your H. Only you know how he’s likely to respond: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com ]Good luck!
Hawthorne Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 The phone protection is a dead give away. Can you get online to view his account and see the numbers he is talking/texting?
Recommended Posts