Dexter Morgan Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 i dont know. im not one of those who believes the whole spiel that affairs are because somethings missing. but i guess if i was fulfilled there wouldnt have been any room for someone else. for some people, the "fulfillment" comes from having sex with different people. sometimes it has nothing to do with what the SO is doing or not doing. Some people just get bored with having sex with the same person for too awful long, no matter how good or abundant the sex is. (talking in general, not about you)
angie2443 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 im asking this question because i feel people will cheat regardless of a good or bad marriage and i just need some extra opinions to verify or disprove my own veiw about this topic. No one here can verify or disprove anything. There are too many variables in each situation. My husband had what I consider an EA. He was very intimant with the OW before I knew either of them. I didn't know this in the beginning. Anyways, somewhere along the line, he became controlling and I let him control me. When I grew a backbone and started to fight against this, he became closer to his female friend. I guess I could have stopped this by not standing up to him. Maybe not. Who knows? My point is, you never really do know. What I know in my case was that I could no longer let him step all over me. If that drove him to cheat, it would be something I had to accept. I think differant people have differant ways of handling problems. Some people handle problems in a marriage by working on the problems or divorcing. Others just cheat.
DiDi123 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 My H and I never ever talked about emotions or anything that was not related to the house or our son. Both of us were extremely guarded and we lived completely separate lives. I was lacking a HUGE emotional connection with another person - the person who was supposed to be with me the rest of my life, to love me unconditionally. He chose other things to keep him occupied. It's on both of us - the failure of our marriage. I do think that the MM I am with - his W could have prevented his affair. He was incredibly lonely - lonelier than I was. They never spent any time together - and still don't. They hardly talk at all. This tears me up at times - because I know that he does NOT want to even try to make his marriage work. I asked him more than once to try this - especially when I started feeling extremely guilty. Mizz Blue, What you describe is what has been going on for the last 10 years of my MM's marriage. He wanted out long before I came along. He tells me that it never dawned on him that he would ever met anyone else who would be compatible in so many ways. The last time they had sex was 3 years ago and before that it was 1-2 times a year for sevral years. They barely speak or communicate at all. He knows he has to do something soon or I'm out. I know he is stressed living 2 lives right now so I anticipate that they'll separate- but then again I don't know. We have been together for about 4 months and he is 58 and I am 43 and I have never been married or have any children. We golf, boat, talk long walks, go out to dinner and sometimes just sit on the couch and he holds me and we kiss for hours. The emotional needs of a man should NEVER be overlooked. He comes right out and tells me that is what is missing from his marriage. They go days without speaking and he refers to her as "the roommate". They have talked divorce several years ago and both basically just did nothing about it- which now he wishes he followed through with because he has absolutely no desire to be with her. He said he remembered the last few times they had sex, she asked if he was done yet and acted like it was a chore. He asked me- "would you want to be making love to someone who acted like that", of course I said no, but that's for him to address, not me. She shops like crazy (which he can't stand) and her closets are full - piles of clothes-just heaped on the floor 3-4-5 feet high- some with tags still on them and one closet he can't even get the door open. I told him she is probably as miserable as he is- because that kind of shopping is done to fill the hole of lonliness and sadness- like eating a lot is to others. As much as we adore each other and are very happy I have told him he has to leave his marriage because HE wants to - not because of me. He is the first man I have ever been involved with that I am completely upfront and honest with about my needs. I told him right off the bat that I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. I want to come home to someone, make dinner, spend quiet time and I want someone that shares my same interests in life. I have grown up a lot in the last few years and now know more about me and what I really want - as well as what I don't want. I have no explanation at all for how this is but we get along. I am laid-back, as is he, and live a simple life with few needs- except to be HAPPY. I had to have a total abdominal hysterictomy on September 9th due to my hemmoraging and fibroids and he was there every step of the way- even brought me to the hospital where we met my parents that morning (who could have easily came and got me). He helped me tremendously through the last 8 weeks of my recovery and was more into "us" emotionally than anything. I know this A is not about sex- he has told me this, but doing everything he has done for me and there being no possible way to have sex have made me believe him. Please remember- men have emotional needs that need to met just as much as women. We also give each other hugs and kisses no matter what we are doing. Even if I do something I am not supposes to do (like try and bend over to scoop the litter- which I wasn't supposed to do after the surgery) he will get a little pissed at me - but always follows it up with a kiss and a "It's because I care about you" to which I promptly stick my tongue out at him, which then we laugh about. Sorry- getting off topic. I do get frustrated at times like a lot of you and since finding this website I have found it extremely helpful. Fallen Angel- your thread "To Him" absolutely tore my heart apart.
ladydesigner Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) I think most people are capable of cheating for varieties of reasons. I do not think it is so black and white. People cheat in bad marriages/relationships, they cheat in good marriages/relationships. Some are vulnerable, some are sex addicts, others are looking for an escape. I never thought I would become a cheater, yet I am, so is my H. My H cheated because he was not getting the same attention from me after the kids were born. I cheated as a result of his cheating. People could talk themselves into circles on this. Edited October 30, 2009 by ladydesigner
Hawthorne Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 My husband could have paid attention when I begged for us to focus on getting our marriage back on track. I asked for counseling numerous times over a period of years, to deal with communication, intimacy and anger issues which had grown to dysfunctional proportions. For years we allowed ourselves to become selfish and take each other for granted. In a fit of anger I downright said "if you don't **** your wife, somebody will" - this was how desparate I was... I succombed to mental black mail. Ultimately, I chose to cheat rather than demand change and/or divorce. So could my husband have prevented the affair? I think it is fair to say that he could have participated in the preservation of our marriage. However to say that he could have prevented it somehow indicates that he had knowledge of the event beforehand and had a say in my decision to betray. My answer is therefore no. I am the only one responsible for my acts of infidelity.
jennie-jennie Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 I tried for decades to make my SO understand that I needed more. He was however not capable of giving me more. He did not have the capacity.
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