Break up story

[rocky33]

So I've been reading a lot of people's stories on here and thought I'd share mine. Together for 3 years and took a month break 6 months ago and now broke up again for the same reasons. Im 23 and she's 22.

 

She says she doesn't love me right now because she doesn't love herself and wasn't happy with where she was in her life. She has always said that I'm the love of her life and the best thing to ever happen to her. Her mom told her that she'll never find any guy better than me and she listens to everything her mom tells her. Anyways, 2 weeks before we break up I could tell somehting was wrong and I asked and she said nothing but cried and then said that she wants to grow old with me and raise a family someday. Yet, she breaks up with me two weeks later.

 

I still don't fully understand bc she says there is no other guy and if she wanted to be in a relationship anytime in the next year it would be with me. She said the thought of hooking up with anyone else makes her sick to her stomach. I love this girl with all my heart, as she is my first love, and I her 2nd, but as she will attest I am far above the last guy and that she never was in love with him, but was in love with me.

 

Anyways, I'm just confused as to what she is thinking. If she sees herself marrying me than why be apart, but she says that if we ever have a chance of being together again we need this time apart. Part of me agrees, but my heart doesn't want to accept that. It's been 3 weeks and I keep initiating contact every 4-5 days or so and at first the talks go really well she says she misses me and loves me very much but just needs to be alone to focus on herself and her career aspirations as if I was holding her back. Then by the end we are yelling and she tells me that I keep asking the same questions and I will never understand why she is doing this. I think I'm ruining my chances, but they make me feel better.

 

I just can't believe she goes from wanting to marry me in 3 years and I'm the love of her life or so to breaking up with me and saying if it is meant to be it will be. We are best friends too so this sucks a lot.

 

Any advice for men or woman especially who have said this to their partner and if so why? What happened?

[McGrupp]

go No Contact. my situation is very similar to yours. its been 2 months and i keep contacting and i believe she has fallen out of love with me because of this.

 

move on and dont give her the satisfaction of keeping you on the back burner.

 

(note to self, easier said then done)

[stace79]

I think it's hard to commit your life to anyone at the age you're at. I am almost 31 and still am discovering new things about myself and about life, and at 22 I had not one clue about what was important to me or where I wanted my life to go.

 

Maybe she just feels like she is committing herself to you too early in life. I firmly believe you need diverse experiences -- including in dating -- to really learn what you want.

 

I can't say that's exactly what you're thinking, but what I will say is if she is not sure about being with you, then you should just do your best to let her be and move on. It is hard, but you can't always read too much in to what people tell you -- you have to look at her actions. And her actions are that she broke it off and is not contacting you.

[McGrupp]

Then by the end we are yelling and she tells me that I keep asking the same questions and I will never understand why she is doing this. I think I'm ruining my chances, but they make me feel better.

 

wow. did you copy this from one of my posts? listen dude we are ****ed. lets move along.

[Ms. Joolie]

OMG. I use to be the female in this story. I can so relate! So sorry you are going through this. Will comment more later when I get the chance, but just, wow...

[Ms. Joolie]

Ok, I'm back. Was just leaving work, but didn't want to let go of this. Gosh, these last two weeks I've been all over Love Shack. It's is very helpful.... a wealth of input on here.

 

Anyway, yes, I relate to your girl very much. I will try and summarize briefly, but mostly I just want to share with you my experience as a female who played out the same role as your girl is doing now. I truly hope it is helpful to you.

****************************************************

 

I was 24 when I met T. I was going through a LOT. I was not happy with myself, I was not happy with my life. Not that I was depressive, but I was in just such a state that all I could concentrate on was my own little world. In short, my dad had died, I was going through an incredible spiritual crisis AND.... I was recovering from an eating disorder.

 

So when I met T, it was a complete surprise to me, because I fell in love with him, deeply in love. Yet, I knew I wasn't ready to be in love. My identity was shattered, my esteem was low, my whole world was a mess and I needed to take control of it all.... I needed to take control of myself.

 

I kept telling T that I wasn't ready for a relationship. And it was the truth! Looking back, I can see that truly I was not ready for a relationship.

 

Yet T stuck around. He would try to understand. We truly loved each other. I mean, this was my first love! And I believe him when he said he'd never love a woman as he loved me. Granted, we were on and off for three years... and today it is still a difficult situation (what brought me to Love Shack actually...haha), but I'm a different person today. Three years have changed me. A lot of the problem had to do because I was only 24! 24 is so young. I'm 27 now, but am in a MUCH better place now.

 

MY POINT IS:

I truly believe that your girl is going through a lot. Has she shared with you anything? Do you know what she is going through... really? Find out what is causing her grief if you can. You may be the person to help her through. T was such a help to me. His persistence, his love and my love for him, changed my life. I needed T in my life.

 

SO...

 

Don't give up on your woman. She is trying to drive you away. But I know she loves you. I can understand why she cries and wants you to be THE man in her life, yet pushes you away. She is truly having a hard time with something.

 

For myself, a huge factor has been my fear of intimacy. So maybe research that a little bit and see if it helps you.

 

My heart goes out to you two... because I just KNOW you love each other. YOUR job is to be there for her in this time of need. The romance between you all can't be forced, but never get angry with her. Be her friend. She needs you, even if she doesn't know it. Even if she tries to deny it. What she needs most is someone who cares.

********************************************************

 

In short, she is telling you she is not ready to be in a relationship, and this is true. You must believe her. In the great scale of things, she is only 22. But be there as a friend. Love her as a friend. Don't expect to much romantically right away. Maybe you can work something out with her, but it will take lots of communication on both your parts.

 

Lastly, if you discover that she is truly going through something, I hope you will share it with us, too. I'm really interested in what her situation may be. Thank you.

[rocky33]

"I truly believe that your girl is going through a lot. Has she shared with you anything? Do you know what she is going through... really? Find out what is causing her grief if you can. You may be the person to help her through. T was such a help to me. His persistence, his love and my love for him, changed my life. I needed T in my life."

 

Thanks for your help. I hope everything has worked out for you. So about your questions. I don't really know what she is going through. I have asked questions but it is all about her trying to find herself and that she felt so comfortable in our relationship that if she didn't get out of that zone to truly see/find what she wants to do in life should would end up resenting me and probably be divorced. I know she loves me and I love her.

 

I think if she wanted my help she would contact me and ask me for my help, but who knows. I feel like not being friends is the easiest way for me to move on, but I love her too much to not talk to her and be there for her.

 

I know she wants to try to get her MAsters degree somewhere, and had talked about doing humanitarian work somewhere for 6 months. But she has always made grand plans and never followed through with them. I don't even think she knows what she wants in life, she just knew that it would be better to not have a relationship with me right now because it would ruin any chance of us ever being together in the end.

[McGrupp]

I don't really know what she is going through. I have asked questions but it is all about her trying to find herself and that she felt so comfortable in our relationship that if she didn't get out of that zone to truly see/find what she wants to do in life should would end up resenting me and probably be divorced. I know she loves me and I love her.

 

I think if she wanted my help she would contact me and ask me for my help, but who knows. I feel like not being friends is the easiest way for me to move on, but I love her too much to not talk to her and be there for her.

wow. my girl said the same ****. amazing its like they have a script. give her lots and lot of space. Edited October 29, 2009 by McGrupp

[GrayClouds]

Sorry man but at this point the best thing you can do is move on. It does not matter if what she says is accurate or not. Right now you need to focus on yourself and getting stronger. This means not waiting for her nor contacting her.

 

Read:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

 

Good Luck

Warning: when you read Ms Joolie's story notice that she did not get back together with the old BF. The moral of that story is not "keep hope alive" rather it is her the relationship was over when she needed to find herself.

 

 

 

 

.

Edited October 29, 2009 by GrayClouds

[Ms. Joolie]

Thanks for your help. I hope everything has worked out for you. So about your questions. I don't really know what she is going through. I have asked questions but it is all about her trying to find herself ..divorce

 

I think if she wanted my help she would contact me and ask me for my help, but who knows. I feel like not being friends is the easiest way for me to move on, but I love her too much to not talk to her and be there for her.

 

I know she wants to try to get her MAsters degree somewhere, and had talked about doing humanitarian work somewhere for 6 months. But she has always made grand plans and never followed through with them. I don't even think she knows what she wants in life, she just knew that it would be better to not have a relationship with me right now because it would ruin any chance of us ever being together in the end.

 

She has grand plans, too, huh? Yep. Another signal to me that this could possibly be only an excuse of hers. Not that she doesn't have great ambitions! In fact, it's my belief that she has a very strong spirit but something is stopping her.

 

I'm curious about her life. Is it filled with friends and activity? Or is she alone much of the time? You see, she could not only be just pushing you away, but she could be pushing away friends as well, even family.

 

Take note of this. Because if you see that she isolates herself then this could be a very telling signal, a proof for me that I know what she's going through.

 

If her life is filled with activity and friends, she would be happy... she would be happy with herself. So I'm just given to believe that the situation she is all in the "not ready for a relationship" story she is giving you.

 

When we are happy, we want to share our lives. The fact that she loves you and is pushing you away is a sign that, yes, truly, she is not happy with herself or with her life. I wonder what she is going through. When a woman is unhappy with herself, it is because of something. Something happened to her and now she is in survivor mode, needing to take care of only herself. Find out what that something is if you can. But where she is at, it sounds like there is still a full journey ahead of her... a healing process, the discovery of herself. It's not a quick and easy journey. But only after she completes it, or at least has confidence that she is on the right road, will she be able to fully invest in a relationship.

 

She knows this. It is a credit to her for understanding this. I wish her the best.

 

Of course, I KNOW that I am totally applying my own experience to this... I could be off... but there are just so many signs there that I wanted to share my story in the hopes that this could possibly help you understand.

 

I know that this is all very hard for you... but since you love her, I would only wish that you might inquire after her at this time... see how she is doing, try and start a conversation. I think it would be good for both of you.

[Ms. Joolie]

Warning: when you read Ms Joolie's story notice that she did not get back together with the old BF. The moral of that story is not "keep hope alive" rather it is her the relationship was over when she needed to find herself.

 

T was very persistent... he never left me. He wanted me to move in with him, wanted me to be a part of his life, living with him and his kids. He said there was no one else he would rather see everyday.

 

His love meant... or it means... so much to me. I am very grateful for the role he has played in my life.

 

The reason that the situation is difficult is because T and I have different goals. He is 39 and I am 27.... he is divorced, with young kids. So for obvious reasons he doesn't want to get married at this time. I do love him, but it is hard for me to not want to marry the man I love. It's just something I believe should happen at the beginning... before the move in, for me personally that is. This is my preference. I told him I do not want to live with anyone but my husband.

 

But he still contacts me. Sigh. Anyway.... I just wanted to say that T was with me throughout all this time.... and now I have truly found myself. My past is over. I am beginning a new stage of my life that I love. I value who I am. Yada Yada....

 

It is up to rocky33 what he is going to do. It is his free choice. He can stay around and love her or break off this love and go. Either way will be an experience for him, either way will shape his life, whether he chooses to keep contact with her or not.

[stace79]

"I truly believe that your girl is going through a lot. Has she shared with you anything? Do you know what she is going through... really? Find out what is causing her grief if you can. You may be the person to help her through. T was such a help to me. His persistence, his love and my love for him, changed my life. I needed T in my life."

 

Thanks for your help. I hope everything has worked out for you. So about your questions. I don't really know what she is going through. I have asked questions but it is all about her trying to find herself and that she felt so comfortable in our relationship that if she didn't get out of that zone to truly see/find what she wants to do in life should would end up resenting me and probably be divorced. I know she loves me and I love her.

 

I think if she wanted my help she would contact me and ask me for my help, but who knows. I feel like not being friends is the easiest way for me to move on, but I love her too much to not talk to her and be there for her.

 

I know she wants to try to get her MAsters degree somewhere, and had talked about doing humanitarian work somewhere for 6 months. But she has always made grand plans and never followed through with them. I don't even think she knows what she wants in life, she just knew that it would be better to not have a relationship with me right now because it would ruin any chance of us ever being together in the end.

 

Ok while Ms. Joolie's story is nice, I have to disagree. It sounds to me like she is just young and knows that if she's tied down in a R, then she will not have ANY chance of pursuing a master's degree in another state or going overseas to do humanitarian work. It's just not something you do when you're tied to someone you love back home.

 

I think she's telling you exactly the truth. Even I felt that way sometimes in my engagement -- if I wanted to take a whole different job somewhere else, I couldn't do it, because I was tied down here. Now at some age, you decide your R is more important than that freedom, but at your ages, I can see why she'd struggle deciding.

 

You guys have a TON of life left to live (God willing of course). I think the most healthy way you can view it is that you had the opportunity to love someone and be loved early in life. Try to focus on the good going forward, and learn from the negatives.

 

I do not think you should just wait around or follow her around like Lassie the dog.

[Ms. Joolie]

haha... yes, my story is nice. But please understand that I had to share because I saw so many similarities. It may be true that she is truly just an ambitious person. I'm sure rocky33 will decide this on his own... whether she is truly ambitious or he thinks something is truly up.

 

And also his choice on what he decides to do about it.

Edited October 29, 2009 by Ms. Joolie

[GrayClouds]

 

It is up to rocky33 what he is going to do. It is his free choice. He can stay around and love her or break off this love and go. Either way will be an experience for him, either way will shape his life, whether he chooses to keep contact with her or not.

 

Yes poking yoursef in the eye with a sharp stick is an experience too, but not all that helpful if your trying to be kind to yourself. Yes we all have free choice, The choice to heal and grow or the choice to stay in pain. Pining after someone when they ended the relationship adds limited quality to a life. Suggesting that it is a worthy option sould be view as unavailing.

 

T was very persistent... he never left me. He wanted me to move in with him, wanted me to be a part of his life, living with him and his kids. He said there was no one else he would rather see everyday.

 

His love meant... or it means... so much to me. I am very grateful for the role he has played in my life. But he still contacts me. Sigh.

 

We all like being chased. I am sure all that made and makes you feel special and wanted. But what is the cost for you feeling that, you never mentioned the pain you EX was and is during the process. I was good for you but have you thought about him...I suspect it did not create such warm feelings.

 

I restate my previous posit: The moral of the story is the relationship was over when she went to find herself no matter how hard the EX tried.

[Ms. Joolie]

Gray Clouds,

 

The experience has already happened... it's what he is going to do about the experience. He already loves her. Now what, right? That's what he's working at. What I'm hoping is that his understanding of the situation can be better, that way he can make a better decision.

 

Gosh... you bring up what T's feelings were throughout all this... I know it was hard. It was hard on both of us.

 

But getting back to rocky...

 

The moral of the story is: The relationship is not over. The relationship exists and it's up to you what you are going to do about it.

 

I couldn't help it that T was always there... he loved me as I loved him. It was a love thing... couldn't be helped, we were drawn to one another.

 

Anyway, rocky33 -

 

Don't feel like you have to be Lassie! lol. Do what you want to do, what you need to do... what you know is best.

[rocky33]

I think Joolie has made some really good points. Here is some more info about our story.

 

Anyways, my ex told me that she wants to go abroad to Europe for a little while. (See she still can't make up her mind. 2 weeks ago it was humanitarian work in Africa, now it is Europe) I think this is because some of her current friends are in abroad right now too but in another continent and my ex hates missing out on things and I think she feels like she is missing out.

 

She went abroad during college and we stayed together the whole time and when she got back after 4 months our relationship was even stronger. During and after her time abroad she would tell me how amazing it would be if we went back to Europe together for a year after graduating and learn a new language. I rejected the idea at 1st because I don't have the money she does and I need to get a job here in the states, but I am having seconds thoughts now that all my friends are doing the same thing and the fact that I don't want to take the chance of losing her.

 

Maybe my ex thought that since I have a job already that I wouldn't want her to go and would stop her and that I wouldn't want to go either. and that is why I think she had to break it off now rather than right before she was about to leave and so she could get out of her comfort zone without me their to change her mind/decisions. Just a thought bc I over analyze things.

 

As for her being happy, I've asked numerous times but just can't seem to get an answer besides her just wanting to get out of her comfort zone with me so she could decide what she wants to do with her life with or w/o me.

 

She has said many times that the relationship wasn't the problem and that her feelings for me haven't changed. She may be trying to let me down easy, but I asked for the truth and she said that was. She still sees herself marrying me and what not. Like I said before, she said she wanted to grow old with me and raise a family 2 weeks before breaking up with me.

 

Im just so confused. What do I do? Fight for the one i truly love and can see myself with? OR Go NC and get over her? This is what I'm fighting in my own heart right now and I just don't know which way to go and it's all I think about and it keeps me from doing my work.

[rocky33]

Joolie: "I'm curious about her life. Is it filled with friends and activity? Or is she alone much of the time? You see, she could not only be just pushing you away, but she could be pushing away friends as well, even family.

 

Take note of this. Because if you see that she isolates herself then this could be a very telling signal, a proof for me that I know what she's going through.

 

If her life is filled with activity and friends, she would be happy... she would be happy with herself. So I'm just given to believe that the situation she is all in the "not ready for a relationship" story she is giving you."

 

Oh yea another thing. She had to do another semester of school while all of her friends are done. So she got an single bedroom apartment near our college, but she still has some friends near her in another city about 30 minutes away that she hangs out with only on weekends. Her family is also in another state.

 

So for the most part she tells me she just hangs out by herself watching tv, doing homework, and going to yoga. She said she actually likes being alone right now and enjoys it. She said she is very anti-guy right now and when she does go out she just talks to girls, and no she is not gay. I'm the only person she would be with if she wanted to be with anyone.

 

But it is weird, she isn't as sexually active with me as we first were and she thinks she is asexual and just doesn't like intimacy too much anymore. As much as I try, so just hasn't felt it for 6 months and she swears she is SOO attracted to me, but she just doesn't know what's wrong with her. We both think it may be her birth control. I mean it sucks for us to not have sex very often, especially at young ages, but I told her that I was fine with it because I truly love her and sex all the time isn't a huge deal.

 

Another thing I know is that she wasn't happy with her body image. She doesn't have bad acne, but she likes to think she does and gets really upset when she breaks out because of stress. Also, she isn't happy with her weight, especially the last 6 months.

 

I think we are on to something here Joolie. Your help and info. could be what I need to hear to either help or just let me ex figure it out for herself.

[McGrupp]

your story is exactly like mine. my girl said the same things. she doesnt have another guy. she sits alone in her apt.

 

she also has body image problems and works out until she is sick. she also has family that lives some distance.

 

let me ask you this, is her dad a strong willed person? kinda of an *******? i think what we did wrong is we treated them too good. they needed an ******* in there life like their daddy.

 

also the sex thing. "i just dont feel like", or its forced. at the time we were 23 and 22. so gimme a break/ at one point we didnt have sex for 3 weeks. i mean a 22 and 23 years olds living together not having sex. crazy.

 

your ex is exactly like mine. your in the early stages so maybe NC will get her back. i contacted every week and eventually I turned angry and the whole situation turned toxic.

 

 

my ex also left for about a month (i know you said 6) b4 she came back. think about what you did then that made her comeback.

 

just trust me and walk away now. trust LS and everyone who has been through something similar. it will hurt and it will hurt a lot. post here, start a new thread everyday if u want.

 

trust greyclouds. read the 2nd chances thread. do nothing for her but everything for you.

[rocky33]

I mean she loves her dad (her parents are divorced), but yes sometimes she says he can be an ******* and not care about her feelings. Or she gets pissed because he won't give her money to spend on dumb stuff. That I'll agree with on her dad's side. Her family loves me and her dad says he would be honored if one day I took his daughter's hand. Anyways, the sex is the same as you McGrupp.

 

As for the 1st time, it was only a month, and to get her back I just kept reminding her about all the good times we had and how she is making the biggest mistake of her life. She even told me the other day that she wakes up thinking she's making the biggest mistake of her life letting me go.

 

I don't think she wants me to treat her like her dad does. She says I'm the best thing to ever happen to her and all that and that no other guy has treated her this well and that she is so lucky to have me. I don't think anyone wants to put up with their partners crap, even though I am right now, but I couldn't imagine her being with someone who treats her like crap when she could have me who treats her well.

[Ms. Joolie]

So this is what you've shared with us so far:

 

1) She said she doesn't love herself.

2) She said she wasn't happy with where she was in her life.

3) She wants to grow old with you, sees herself only being with you, even marrying you... yet cries and breaks up with you, and feels like she is making the biggest mistake of her life. Read: This is conflict with herself.

4) Said "you will never understand why she is doing this." Read: This is something she is going through.

5) She wants to get a Masters, do humanitarian work, go oversees. Read: These goals, or dreams, will make her feel better about herself or prover herself, or give her a value/happiness that she doesn't feel she has now.

6) She said she wants to get out of her comfort zone. Read: She wants to get out of her little world that she's creating for herself, one she is not happy with.

7) She said the relationship isn't the problem. Read: Something else is the problem.

8) Her sexual drive has declined.

9) She is not happy with her body.

10) You noted that she gets upset when she breaks out over stress and that she thinks she has bad acne. It sounds to me like she gets too upset about it. It could be another "not happy with herself or her body" sign.

11) She said she likes to be alone. (Then why is she unhappy?)

 

 

So with all these things going on with her... do you understand now? I don't want to say that she has an eating disorder, as was my situation. But I do think it's obvious that she is going through something. I can only assume, with what you shared with us, what it is.

 

From my perspective, she is trying desperately to find herself.* It is a self-esteem thing. Maybe it has to do with something from her past, maybe it has to do with being 22, or maybe it has to do with the pressures of college. It's okay that she is going through this. What she may need though is help getting through this.

 

I hope you understand a little more what she may be going through. As a young woman who did the same thing to a man she loved, I can tell you that this is not easy AT ALL. It's heartbreaking to push the man you love away.

 

You said that you love her, do you feel any differently now? It might be easier for you to let go. Or you may find that your love wants to help her, still be there for her. Do what is best.

 

I personally believe that you should care enough for what she is going through to keep contact with her. T kept contact with me, and we would date on and off. There is no doubt that his presence in my life helped me to help myself.

 

Keep us posted if you will! Wishing you the best. And I hope the distress over this is somewhat lessened. This is just a challenge in your life, something for you to overcome and grow with.

 

 

 

*my best summary for the moment. But it really is complex.

Edited October 30, 2009 by Ms. Joolie

[Fluffsticle]

I have to agree with Ms. Joolie. I am the female in the above post too!

 

I am going through this at the moment. I still love my ex, and I miss him every day. But I will never be happy with myself if I don't get out and be independant and find myself, and find what makes me happy on my own.

 

I wish it could have been different with my ex. But I couldn't do this with him by my side.

 

Sorry you are going through this OP.

 

I was the dumpee by the way. I wasn't happy, and made him unhappy eventually, and the only way it could be fixed was to go our seperate ways.

 

Good luck, and thanks for posting.

[rocky33]

Thanks Ladies I really appreciate it. I'm finding out that I just need to go No Contact with her and give her her space to figure this out on her own. If she wanted me to help her we would be together, but she wants/needs to do it on her own, so that's what she is going to get.

 

She says I'll never understand, but it's just so hard to comprehend how for 3 years she can be so happy with me and constantly tell me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, yes we are young, but I know she meant what she said every time, and she still does.

 

The only way for us to be together in the future is for us to be apart now so that I doesn't happen in the future. I just have a feeling that I know this isn't the end between us, but I can't keep holding on. I have to let go and if she returns and we work hard and slowly back together than that's what happens.

 

Another big info. that I had left out was that she had found out she had gotten herpes this summer, but did tests to find out that it was from over 6 months ago. We did research and they say some people have it for years before they have their first break out. She thinks she got it from her first b/f around age 17. I trust her and that she didn't cheat on me, but I'm just so pissed because I said I was ok with it, because I knew we would stay together. We continued to have sex and then she breaks up with me. So now I'm worried about myself and pissed that I was there for her, bc she was having a REALLLLLLY HARD TIME when she found out, and then she just dumps me like I mean nothing to her.

 

I really think Joolie has made some good points and she is just so confused with her life and what she needs/wants to do and that she didn't want to hurt me/ruin any chances of ever being together again. That's why she had to do this now, even though both of us are hurting very much.

 

Thanks for letting me vent!