Obsessive, lustful, devious- am I mental?!

[mariposas]

Please bear with me. I am trying to share enough info, so you can give me an informed opinion.

 

Little about me:

Dad left mom for another woman when I was a toddler, so I believe I had trust issues with men and held high standards as I entered the dating scene. My first kiss wasn't until I was 16 and he was gorgeous. He showed me what it meant to be "turned on". At that age, I was already looking for Mr Right, who by the way didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, curse and was taller and bigger than I was, who eventually needed to believe in God and have a job to provide for us. Unfortunately, for us, I found out that he smoke, drank & did drugs. Although, my stomached flipped for him, I broke up with him. When I realized I wanted to die without him, 'A' moved on and wouldn't take me back. Years later he purposed marriage to get me to sleep with him; that relationship in a nutshell.

 

Relationships to follow:

I ended up lowering my standards and dating anyone I felt remotely attracted to whether for looks or personality any height, weight, or social habits. Now, by dating, I mean dinner and a movie or hanging out maybe a little kissing, but I believed in abstinence until marriage. Some guys stopped dating me because of that and others fell in love with me. I never let my guard down. They met some of my criteria, but even then I just didn't identify anything in me that said I was in love with them and kept pushing them away - specifically 'M' & 'F'.

 

Recap on the Men of my past:

A - first kiss, puppy love & physical attraction, but not Mr Right?

F - loved me whom I became best friends - felt tingles when we touched, but not feeling it to the extent of wanting to kiss the guy. - emotional attraction

M - loved me - we could kiss for hours, body of Adonis, but seemed to lack initiative for anything, except for me and that included getting a job - we were naive and never really share conversation

 

FYI - all tall, good-looking and romantic men by anyone's standards

 

Jump to my early twenties:

I became lonely. No friends or family around and one of those men that loved me, 'M', was back in my life and needed a place to stay, but at that point he had given up on me and moved on. By that time I was ready to give him a chance. Timing!! He told me he was a taking a trip and dropped my key at my place of work without any contact info. I had no way to reach him and knew I lost him. Distraught by the loneliness, I starting thinking about another man that I truly cared for, 'F', and tried to reach out to him with no response. This all became too much for me. So, I quit my job and moved out of state.

 

Mid-twenties

Sitting alone in my home in a new state... still alone, I met a man... a wonderful man, great with kids & people in general, had a house and a nice vehicle along with a steady job and handsome. He was the package and stable... Had I stuck gold?! He said he prayed for me while we were apart. Really? Is this the man I had been praying for? We were inseparable. Comfortable, it was like we had known each other for years. Within a month he told me he loved me. AAh! That word! That feeling?! I still didn't identify it. I was SO happy to see him and missed him when we were apart, but what is love? I loved him like I loved my family and friends, but is that what being in love is?

 

Question #1 - How would you explain being in love?

 

Married my best friend:

Within months we were married. I was so naive!! We got pregnant right away and I already wanted counseling?! Maybe it was my hormones? Coming from the broken home, marriage and sticking to it was a huge thing for me. I couldn't quit, but felt like that chemistry and in love part really never showed up. I expected something magical to happen the moment we said I do.

 

My physical attraction for my husband & interest in intimacy wasn't present - ever really that I can recall. Intimacy was just something that married couples have. I made love because I cared about him and adored him, not because I was physically turned on by him. We discussed this issue during my first pregnancy because he didn't want to have sex. He was not attracted to my huge everchanging pregnant body. I thought maybe my lack of desire was a hormone imbalance, but unsure because I had been pregnant from the get go and sought help through a dr to drum up my "drive' after I had the baby, but nothing helped.

 

Fast forward to sexual frustration:

Several children and 6-7 years of marriage, I have a body better than when we got married and he wants it all the time. I shared my frustration with my lack of desire, yet again. It was beginning to wear on me. I was avoiding intimacy. Then a viscous cycle started. He didn't understand what I was going through and began to get sexually frustrated and become aggravated about everything. He had a tendency to yell and would take it out on me and the kids. Oh, now, I surely wasn't interested in doing him any favors and intimacy was first to go. Since I made love because I cared about him and adored him and his yelling was not endearing, I wouldn't want to be with him intimately. Eventually, I would give in and then the cycle started all over again. Unbeknownst to me I developed a resentment toward him for expecting me to continue to be with him even though he knew I had no desire. I started inadvertently jerking away from his touch and kisses.

 

Question #2 - Does anyone force themselves to be with their spouse out of obligation?

 

Curiosity:

I found myself searching for the men of my past curious about their lives. Something my husband says he has no interest in.

 

Question #3 - Does anyone else wonder about the special someone's of their past?

 

Thanks to the world wide web, while searching for my first kiss 'A' and potentially the only person I may have been remotely in love with, I found my old best friend 'F'! So, cool!! ....That was until I saw a photo of him as a grown man, instant attraction and feelings inside of me I hadn't felt in years and it scared the heck out of me! I didn't feel this way when I looked at my husband! Oh, no! What have I done?! I had been emotionally attached to this person in the past and lack of physical is the only reason it didn't work with him. He had loved me for years. I confessed this to my husband right away. Now, my world was flipped upside down. I was crying at the drop of a hat. I wanted to be in love and wanted to "want" to have sex with my husband!

 

Question #4 - Anyone felt more attraction toward someone that wasn't their spouse?

 

The Break:

While away on vacation, with my children. I made the decision to move on. I told my husband I couldn't handle the vicious cycles and being away was the perfect opp to take a break from each other. While in my hometown, I began looking up old friends to catch up with. 'M' answered the phone. He literally just got married hours before my call. Timing was never on our side. We met for drinks and it was like I had stepped into a time machine. The feelings were there, the attraction was there.... so much time had passed yet we looked the same and although, neither of us did anything about it, there was a mutual feeling to want to reach out and hold hands, kiss, etc. You could cut the sexual tention with a knife! This was the man I had finally wanted to give a chance. We were now matured, with jobs and communicated quite well. However, we were both married, although, unhappily so. We were both in it for the spouse and children. Wild!

 

Question #5 - Has anyone ever experienced the reconnection of a special someone from their past? Someone wrote an article on it and how more marriages are breaking up now that the internet exists because the experience of reconnecting with old "loves" is like a drug high... an addiction.

 

Back to marriage:

My husband cried. I never heard him like that in all the years we'd been together. He apologized and said he would do whatever it takes to make it work because the kids and I are all he has. I went back to my husband. After all, the temper he could work on, but the attraction thing was my issue. In my mind I was being selfish looking to fill my desire after I made a promise to be his - forever.

 

Dreams...

I have found that over the course of our marriage I have dreamt about any guy I was remotely attracted to. Even grade school crushes! Why is this happening to me? Now, my dreams of 'M' & 'F' are very real. I wake up in such a state of mind that I want to act on it. This is torture!

 

Question #6 - Does anyone else do this or is it just me?

 

Things get Rough = Run!

I know I have an issue... when he gets upset or things aren't just right. I want to run... literally pack up and leave. I wanna get away from the uncomfortable or the hurt. I have told him that when he gets upset, I want to pack my things and get my own place. I actually divvy up our property, etc. and move on - in my head.

 

Question #7 - Why? Does anyone else do this?

 

Cheating & Flirting:

I have stayed in touch with 'M' & 'F' over the past year or so. I feel like I am emotionally cheating on my spouse. 'M' although married suggested we meet again, but this time for more than just conversation. The idea of this is arousing. A feeling I just don't feel toward my husband. In fact, I never felt this for 'M' because I hadn't experience sex when we were dating. Now, that I know what could happen, it has my wheels going and I feel lustful and adulterous. Again, something he and I will never act on. My lack of happiness, has me wishing my husband would leave me. I feel awful saying this because I love him and he is a wonderful man, I just don't want to have sex with him. I have even told him this! I told him of my thoughts... I explained that I have thought of who I could set him up with that would be all that he deserves and be there for him sexually because I know how very important that is for him.

 

Question #8 - Has anyone else been so unhappy they just wished their spouse wouldn't come home?

 

Obsessive & Devious:

I find myself checking emails & emailing behind my husbands back. This is not me! I am a very open and honest person. I tell my husband everything. But this is something I wouldn't dare share in fear of hurting him and it has helped me become devious and I feel obsessive about this lustful feeling.

 

Therapy:

I have spoken to family and although very grounded in the same religious beliefs my mom wants me to do what makes me happy because she has been in unhappy marriages. Others said you are married and you need to honor that commitment. I have sought counseling through my church - very difficult because I felt like they may judge me and or him. I explained that I felt like I married my best friend and that I am not attracted to him and they said we were married and therefore, meant to be. I obviously don't want to hear that. I want to hear that I am excused from my commitment and that it won't damage my husband, his faith or our children. On the advise of a LS member, I contacted a local university for free counseling, but was advised that they don't offer it. I have contacted therapists and insurance and the min amount is $85 a visit. We are praying food on the table at this point and the electric company is threatening disconnect. I would think mental health / marriage counseling would be covered 100%. O'well.

 

Question #9 - How do you do it? How do you leave a marriage and keep your children's lives from falling apart and from destroying your partner?

 

In Love:

I wonder if I am broken. I wonder if I am capable of really being in love. I love everyone and am a very compationate person, but I feel like the love for my significant other should be a different type of love somehow.

 

Question #10 - Is there anyone out there that hasn't experienced love?

 

Lonely:

Though, I play the role of mommy in a family of five, I am so very lonely. I have a wonderful friend that I share a home, parental and financial responsibilites with. When I see movies... Nights in Rodanthe, You've Got Mail, My Best Friend's Wedding, Sliding Doors, Serendipity, etc. I can't help but to be overwhelmed with emotion. I know people cry at movies, but I am crying tears of sadness. I want to know what that is like. I want to know true love and have real passion. I feel like I just cheated myself by getting married to a man that should really be just a great friend! Please do not get me wrong. I know that I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful family and husband. I can think of a few people that are still unmarried and looking for mister right and may never experience the wonderful marriage that I have.

 

Question #11 & I quit numbering! - Am I being ridiculous? Do you think that having true love and chemistry are worth giving up a compatible relationship?

 

Respect & Consideration:

I wonder if I should get out now while my husband still has his good looks and time to start a new life. My compassion makes me stay. I don't think he will get out there and meet anyone and I would want to. What about the children? All under the age of 10. Do I wait until they are older to pursue my happiness or just stay put?

 

Sex & Chemistry:

With the above said, sex has left something to be desired. He always gets his and I can't say the same for myself. However, I continue to be there for him. He is not selfish in that area by any means, loves me whole-heartedly and does everything he can to please me. To add, now, he has been experiencing issues with his own body not responding like he wants it to when he wants it to and it has been a big blow to his ego. Therefore, he is a bit more understanding of my lack of sex drive.

 

Will the sex, chemistry & in love factor matter with age? Will it all fade when we get old, anyway? I have heard the sparks fade. Should I just stick it out? I want to cry! I do cry. I feel so selfish and so sad. I want passionate sex. I want a man that I can't keep my hands off of... that I fantisize about being intimate with.... I want butterflies when he walks into the room or I hear the sound of his voice and that in love look I see others have.

 

Do I just need meds? Am I a head case?

 

Behind closed doors:

I have cried after sex, in the shower and at the drop of a hat. How can I be so depressed when I have all that I have?! Am I just focussing on the something that isn't there?! Is it really as important as the emphasis I am puttin on it? I have no one to talk to anymore. I don't want to drag my husband through the mud.

 

Acting:

I have been acting happy for my family's sake and doing my wifely duties on a regular basis. I told my husband about the depression, again. He said that he didn't realize the sex thing was still an issue. I explained that I just don't bring it up to him because I don't want to see him unhappy.

 

Please HELP!!

Set me straight! The more the merrier! Recommend a technique, a mindset, a therapy - anything! I can take it!

 

Thank you!!

I am thankful for the anonymity that this site allows. Hopefully, someone can provide me with the insight I need to save my marriage of 10 years or just move on. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I really need your help!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Fast forward to sexual frustration:

Several children and 6-7 years of marriage, I have a body better than when we got married and he wants it all the time. I shared my frustration with my lack of desire, yet again. It was beginning to wear on me. I was avoiding intimacy. Then a viscous cycle started. He didn't understand what I was going through and began to get sexually frustrated and become aggravated about everything. He had a tendency to yell and would take it out on me and the kids. Oh, now, I surely wasn't interested in doing him any favors and intimacy was first to go. Since I made love because I cared about him and adored him and his yelling was not endearing, I wouldn't want to be with him intimately. Eventually, I would give in and then the cycle started all over again. Unbeknownst to me I developed a resentment toward him for expecting me to continue to be with him even though he knew I had no desire. I started inadvertently jerking away from his touch and kisses

 

You have an emotional barrier built up the size of the great wall of China.

 

You have trust and intimacy issues. You constantly chase after and romanticize these Douchebags you used to date, because it allows you to emotionally disconnect from your husband.

 

Your stuck in a marriage cycle where you treat your husband like crap... he gets frustrated and treats you like crap in return... and you both sit back and watch the marriage spiral down the toilet bowl.

 

Why can't you let your husband in on an emotional level?

 

Your attraction to other men probably has nothing to do with their physical state. They seem attractive because you can fantasize some form of emotional connection with them, even though they could probably care less about you. Though they may be interested in getting in your pants....

 

Here is my rule of thumb. Love the people who love you. Trust the people who trust you. Commit to the people who commit to you... ect.

 

What are your fears?

[lkjh]

you try to rationalize everything way to much. Everyone that gets married will have periods where they are not head over heels in love with their SO but you need to work through these periods. You are emotionally cheating and it is impossible to reconnect with your H while you are investing feelings in other men. Be honest, you know that M wants an affair with you, and provided the wrong settings it can happen

 

You need to cut the other men out of your life and focus on reconnecting with your H. Talk to him and let him know what is bothering you. He is not a mind reader and even if he was you have way too much going on up there for anyone to figure out. Start dating him again, make your marriage exciting.

 

But most important cut out the OM and stop looking for them and learn to communicate

[Space Ritual]

What it boils down to is a lack of emotional maturity on your part.

 

Marriages just like any relationship takes work. You seem to think that everything is some dramatic production. Nothing in this world is perfect and from what I read you have a very unhealthy sense of what reality is.

 

Sadly your whimsical attitude affects everything you touch. I do have one small but of advice...GROW UP

[stace79]

I don't think you have any problems being in love -- the problem is you are so much in love with yourself. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

 

Frankly, if I could talk to your H, I would definitely tell him to leave you. You don't deserve his love. I feel sorry for your children, as they're definitely going to be Fd up.

 

1. Stop talking to other men. Delete your facebook, change your email, do whatever to cut them out completely.

 

2. Love is not a noun. It's not some butterflies feeling or head over heels attraction. It's something you choose to do every day-- a verb, an action. After sticking with someone for three years for "lusty" love like you're looking for, I'd kill for a man I loved like family. Those are the Rs that will last, IMO.

 

3. Start worrying about other people more than yourself. You are selfish, wishing you could try to make yourself happy even though it would wreck your children's lives and crush your H. It is plainly obvious that you always think the grass is greener on the other side. I wonder if you will EVER be happy. I'm quite sure if you left your H for this "M" guy, you'd be unhappy with him in several years, too.

[MikeKelly]

I would like to take the time to answer all of your questions, however, the matter of a more obvious concern and one of utmost importance is the issue of sexual compatibility. This is very important in most marriages. When a couple's sexual relationship begins to suffer, the marriage is usually suffering. That is what has happened to you.

 

I have to disagree with prior replies posted by others. My dear, you must remember that the comments made may be from hurting people. You sound like you are hurting and confused enough. Remember to take only the constructive criticism given and leave the rest.

 

You have done a very selfless thing by trying to make the marriage work for as long as you have and you are, obviously, still looking for ways to save it. I commend you. On rare occasion, I find a couple happily married without any sex whatsoever, but in most cases, the quality of sex determines the quality of marriage as does meeting each other's emotional needs.

 

In most marriages, husbands and wives don't have the same emotional needs, or at least they are not prioritized the same. Your marriage is that way, too. Sex has probably always been a very low priority for you, and a very high priority for your husband. And you may have emotional needs that don't mean much to your husband, either. But when you were in the state of intimacy, you were willing to make love to him as often as he wanted, just to make him happy, even though sex wasn't what you needed. Your husband may also have been willing to meet your needs, even though it may not have done that much for him.

 

You'd probably still be making love with him today, and cheerfully, if you could have remained in the state of intimacy for the past seven plus years. But there's no marriage in existence that can achieve that kind of record, and sooner or later your husband was bound to make a mistake that drove you from the state of intimacy into conflict. He withdrew just enough for you to fall out of love, and at that moment, he wanted to make love.

 

Now, my child, you need to stop living in the past with these fellows. Your problem is not beyond repair. It simply sounds like a sexual aversion and your selflessness has actually help create the predicament you are in. Understand that what you are going through is very common and repairable.

 

An aversion is a negative emotional reaction that's been conditioned to a behavior. In other words, if you have bad experiences doing something, you will learn to associate those bad experiences with the task. The very thought of it will eventually create anxiety and unhappiness, and then doing it will make matters even worse.

 

You probably began your marriage not knowing how to enjoy sex, and made love to your husband out of a spirit of generosity. You may not have known how to become sexually aroused or how to climax. But as long as you were in the state of intimacy, the experience was somewhat pleasant for you, because the sex act made you feel more emotionally connected to him.

 

Eventually your husband did something that made you feel less than generous. He hurt your feelings. It may have been something like the yelling mentioned, but you made love to him anyway, out of obligation. That experience was downright unpleasant, because you had absolutely no interest in being emotionally connected to him at the time. You probably wanted him to get it over as quickly as possible. Your husband may have had no way of knowing that you were suffering, because you didn't want to confront your husband with your resentment.

 

From that point on, your sexual experiences became predictably unpleasant. You made love because he expected it, not because you were willing, and you did whatever you could to avoid it or to make it brief. Whenever he would reach over an touch you at night, you knew that the nightmare was about to begin again. You eventually hated his touch. You may have told him how much it bothered you, but he would do it anyway. There was no way to stop him. Eventually, you developed an aversion to sex.

 

At this point, you have probably reached a great state of depression, but know, my dear, your situation is not hopeless.

 

Now, stop reading the opinions of others via the internet and head to the library to read up on what the professionals have to say on sexual aversion and how to reverse the effects.

 

You are going to be okay. Hang in there, kid.

[imagine]

This is not an uncommon problem.

 

The quick answer is to consult a sexologist. The cheaper answer is to check that your EN's (emotional needs) are being met. Clearly he does not meet your physical need. You have built up a resistance to him that needs to be addressed.

 

He needs to understand the situation. he needs to learn that it takes 24 hours to get a woman sexually aroused. He has to learn how to back off. He needs to learn how to kiss, massage, cuddle and talk to his wife.

 

I'm afraid that this requires education.

 

On the good side he is a solid family man (according to your words). To quote other posters "The grass is always greener at the place you water"

 

So, where you going to water?

[TenaciousWoman]

I too married "my best friend", I never had the butterflies in the beginning-that lustful passionate feeling -- can't get enough of each other thing going on, I did not feel that for my husband, not for many many years accually. (He did feel that way for me, but he suffered in silence instead of pushing me) BUt I can't say he ever repulsed me in any way, when we had sex, he always got me excited-even if it took hours to arose me , even falling asleep on him while he tried (Poor man was desperate at times), but he also always took the time to make sure I "got mine" before he got his. Which, by the way, is vitally important if your husband wants you to enjoy the act & not resent it or feel like crying afterwards from not being satisfied. (1st thing that needs addressed in your marraige above anything else IF you are still having sex on a regular basis).

We, too, waited till marriage to have sex, so I have never been with another man. But I have wondered sometimes what I might have missed. I can relate to some of your issues- but not to your extreme. Just that, for me, I KNOW I am more in love with my husband today than I was when we married, but it took some effort on my part to "stir the passions". I am sooo passionate about him now, I sometimes have "Meltdowns" cause I think I desire him MORE than he desires me! I do not feel you are being selfish, just brutally honest about where you are at and how you need for it to change in order to find real lasting happiness. I wanted to private message you & probably will when I have that capability on here. I can share many ideas with you. There are other women who can relate to what you are saying, most of them are bored in their marraiges/ feeling the Grass is greener type of thing/ or are not being satisfied in bed and OH how important a satisfying sex life is. It can not be underestimated!

I am reading a wonderful book called "Kosher Adultery" which is about seducing your Spouse, how to bring back PASSION in your marraige. I just LOVE it, it is written by a Jewish Rabbi but it is NOT religious in any way, he fully understands and sees everyday couples who have LOST all passion for each other, and ways to address it. Hang in there, this is a great place to share.

[Javelin]

I want to know true love and have real passion.

 

You're too closed off to know what real love is and those people in the movies that you referenced were very open with their personalities. They knew what they wanted and they fought long and hard to get it. However, based on fantasy, you seem to think that love happens insantly, when infact it could be any number of variables that can cause it.