slamina Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Hey, this probably sounds pretty similar to a lot of other threads out here, but I really appreciate respsonses and advice on my personal case. Well, my ex broke up with me about a month ago. Since then, I've had a lot of attitudes when it came to her...some days I've been angry and blanked her completely and some days I've tried to be really warm. Note that we do the same course so complete NC is not really an option. Heres whats going on...i think...the days I've been angry are the days when I remind myself about the break up (her reason was that she was 'overwhelmed by the commitment and scared about how serious it was getting'- a **** reason if you ask me; never once did I cheat, lie or do anything remotely bad...all I did was try my best to make her happy) and tell myself that she's playing me around and I deserve someone better. When I give her the relative NC, shes all 'why do you never say hi to me anymore...I thought we were friends...I thought you were gonna always be there for me...etc...' This cuts through me like butter. I suspect that its all to do with false hope and that I want to think that she wants me back. And so when this happens, the next day is usually when Im nice to her...all the way until she reminds me/something else reminds me that we're not actually a couple anymore...which then makes me angry again. So it goes in cycles like this until now. Everyones like...MOVE THE **** ON...but I just can't...I can deny it all I want, but in my heart I LOVE HER AND MY WORLD STILL REVOLVES AROUND HER and given the chance, I'd crawl right back up to her. WHAT SHOULD I DO?? Please help this poor sould and shed some light on this for me. Thankyou ever so much.
deux ex machina Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 It is very tough, and you are wise when you thought it was false hope that is keeping this thing going. You must know that carrying on like this isn't going to help you. Right now, you must take care of you - and I do know that the focus is on her now - I understand, but you must shift it. I could write to you until my fingers fall off but in the end I know you'll do what you have to do when the timing is right for you. Be careful about wearing your friends down with this, they are your support system, and going out with them will be great - take you out of your head somewhat. Then when they need you, return the favor. Really, just realize that the past is the past, detaching from her is important right now because it is hurting you. If you are truly meant to be friends, surely she would understand that. If she doesn't, then you have your answer - it was never about friendship, it was some selfish thing on her end. I know it really hurts. Take care.
Odyssey Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 How long were you together for? Did you both agree to stay friends after the breakup?
Author slamina Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 We were together for a whole year. But she was my first love and I was hers and it was really really special. It just feels I have nothing left but a supermassive blackhole where she was. We did agree to both be friends after. But now I'm realising that I didnt want to be friends truly for the sake of genuinely wanting to be friends, but rather false hope being at play (me thinking, well if I see her regularly and keep her in my life she might realise once again realise how much she likes me) and also me trying to ease of pain of the break up and suddenly going to not seeing her at all. Yh, I'm not sure I want to be friends for the right reasons right now, I just not being honest with myself. I would do absolutely anything short of killing a man with wife and kids to get back with her. But I know that thats not something that lies within my control. I cant do anything about it and its hurting me. But I just cant let go.
Author slamina Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 any more advice/ words of comfort guys? please? thanks
Odyssey Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 (edited) Slamina, i totally agree, being friends straight after a breakup is too painful (like you i'd tried many times in the past, like i was settling for any kind of relationship, anything just to be with my ex). In fact it confuses and hurts both of you. Thinking back, i was deluding myself, to buy more time for another chance - lesson learned . This is what you're doing too and it's never really a true friendship anyway. You may be able to be friends with her at some point, but not now. Breaking up usually works best when the break is clean. Focus on your own plans. For now, don't try to be friends with your ex. Let the healing begin, move on, and see how you feel about a friendship with her after 6 months or so. It's quite simple, tell her what you've posted here. She would respect that...your biggest challenge is keeping contact to a minimum (fighting that urge everyday). Your worst battle is between; what you know & what you feel. Hope this helps. Good luck. Edited October 29, 2009 by Odyssey
RoMeIx Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I dont see how people can be "just friends" after a break up. Once you see someone in a romantic relationship, I dont see how there can be any going back from that. You are always going to have feelings for her as more than just a friend. Are you going to be her friend while she dates other guys? That would be torture. It is going to hurt either way, but I think that the best thing to do for yourself would be to tell her no to being friends and then going NC. Again, it will be hard, but will give you the least heartache in the long run.
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