taylor13 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Me and the boy haven't been having sex that often - maybe once a week or once every two weeks despite that we are together all the time. Finally we talk about it last night and...oh gosh. He says that he's really confused cause he feels like we lost that spark but he really cares for me and doesn't just want to be friends. He goes on to say things like he has a great time on our dates every time we are together, he misses me when we're not, he loves holding me, kissing me, etc. I could tell he was genuinely confused the entire time (as was I). In attempt to explain how he was feeling, he said that maybe it's because I am different than every other girl he's been in a relationship with. He was like, "as ridiculous as it sounds i've always had this type of short, blonde, and high-maintenance and you're the exact opposite....but that's not a bad thing, and there's a reason I'm still in this. you know i'm a very picky person and wouldn't be otherwise" ...ps I'm tall, thin, brunette and very laid back He goes on to say "and you know what gets me most? I've never had as much fun with any of those girls as I have with you" It's been over 7 months and I feel like after all this he should KNOW that he wants me has his girlfriend and should WANT to be intimate. I tell him that I understand he is confused but also that I can't stay in this situation - I won't. He starts to get emotional and says he doesn't want to lose me and wants to 'find a way through this' but that the path we're on now 'isn't the right one' We sat there quietly for a while. He kept holding me, stroking my hair, kissing my head and finally I got up and said (almost in tears) that I needed to go home and think about things. So now it's morning. I'm sitting here and don't know what to do. Is it possible to be have all these emotions and still be 'unsure'?
Author taylor13 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 I wanted to add something. I wouldn't be in this I didn't feel like he was REALLY trying to make things work. I get a feeling that in his past two serious relationships, the girls 'high-maintenance' kept him on his toes. I talked to my brother about this because he too has been into high-maintenance girls and he said something interesting 'you're not a high-maintenance girl and can't change who you are, but every relationship requires SOME maintenance. You may need to consider if you've been low-maintenance or no-maintenance....'
ADF Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 There is a whole lot he's not telling you. His description of himself as a "verk picky person" is troubling. It sounds like a backdoor way of saying he is very particular when it comes to looks, and you're not his ideal. He likes the blondies. Not being with a blonde is tormenting him. Frankly, he sounds kind of shallow. I don't know. But I think you need to have another talk. Less emtion this time and more specifics.
TaraMaiden Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 ....are you telling me you've been together and having sex for 7 months, but he still doesn't consider you his GF....? "Picky"... as in "I won't commit to anything that doesn't come up to a high standard, and I don't think you do..."....? You're kidding, right...? My only question and bewilderment is why you didn't walk away 6 and a half months ago.....
Author taylor13 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 I think he mean't picky about the 'whole package'. I could tell right after he said the short blond thing that he kind of regretted it and was just thinking aloud. I can tell you in all honesty, despite his faults, that he is a nice guy and is at least trying to do what's right.
BCCA Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Just so I'm clear, you have been sleeping with him for 7 months, and he's still not sure he wants you to be his official girlfriend?
Author taylor13 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Please don't try and negate the entire relationship. We've known each other for 7 months but we haven't dated since day one. We haven't seen anyone else since we got more serious. I guess technically we have been bf/gf considering we are together 5/6 times a week but I've never pushed the label on it. What's making me not feel like his girlfriend right now is the lack of physical intimacy - even though the emotions are still there.
TaraMaiden Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Listen. You came on here in a confused state, and you say he's as confused as you are. I think you're both wrong. I think you want something, and I'm equally sure he doesn't want what you want. If you both wanted the same thing, there would be no confusion. So, nobody is 'negating the entire relationship' because there is no relationship to negate. This is a FWB situation, which has emotional involvement. I feel pretty sure that if he were to say "I want you to be my official GF and spend your time with me, and make our relationship grow" you'd be a whole lot happier. But he hasn't. The sex is the stumbling block. Not the issue. Because lack of sex means platonic. Not romantic. And that's not the way you want it. But he does.....
torranceshipman Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 He was generally fine with the unlabeled status I think, but then took the 'talk' as sign of you asking for some kind of label or definition of coupledom...he wants the fun and Intimacy without the commitment which is why he kind of ended it in this talk. He is commitment phobic so can only have a high maintenance nightmare as a girlfriend as he knows deep down that a lyr will always be impossible with that kind of girl anyway. He is still immature and is not being a gentlemen in his actions towards you-by being so vague it leaves the door potentially open for him, with you, and means he doesn't need to man up and admit he just isn't looking for commitment. I am sure that in many ways he is a nice guy but is a R nightmare...and to be fair why wouldn't you lay the 'label' on him after a few months? A guy ready for a R who finds you attractive will be v.happy for that conversation to happen.
stace79 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I could be wrong, but maybe the fact that you're sleeping with him without demanding a label of "gf" is what's turning him off. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free kind of mentality... I guess the older I get, the less patience I have for this kind of idiocy from guys. If he doesn't know he wants to be with you, then that's your answer. There's no confusion. He doesn't want to be in the R with you. (But he's okay sleeping with you up to this point.)
ADF Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) I could be wrong, but maybe the fact that you're sleeping with him without demanding a label of "gf" is what's turning him off. I have a different theory. I think he's maneuvered you into a de facto FWB situation. Huge mistake, if this is a man you really care about. You need to be aware that for many men, FWB is the ultimate win-win, have-my-cake-and-eat-it-too situation. They get freuqent sex with a woman they like, but don't have to shoulder any of the responsibilities of a real relationship. Men in FWB relationships have no incentive to let the relationship go any further. In fact, if their FWB wants it to go further, they will usually ditch her. I'm sorry to sound cynical, but your presence in his bed may be the leverage you have in this situation. Use it. His apparent lack of interest in sex may reflect his ambivelance about having you as a GF. Make him explain what his intentions really are. Edited October 28, 2009 by ADF
back2gether Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I think you might want to take a few days off and think about the situation. If you see someone everyday then you don't always get a chance to think for yourself. If you tell him you want to take a few days off from the relationship it will let him know that you are seriously thinking about what to do. I think ADF is right. He might just consider you a FWB. Sometimes guys don't really listen to what you say. If you show him that you are ending this if he doesn't commit, then you will find out what his true intentions are. If he leaves you, it is probably better that he does it now before you get more involved. On the other hand, it may give he the space he needs to realize that he does want to commit.
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